Superpowers101 Episode 1 The Basics

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Transcripts

hello everybody my name is Jessica

Porter and welcome to the first episode

of superpowers 101 where I'll be showing

you how to get the most out of your

superpowers without breaking the bank

today we will be covering the basic

steps on your journey to becoming the

ultimate killing machine so if you're

ready to truly start enjoying your

newfound superpowers you've come to the

right place the skill level of today's

lesson is beginner once you realize that

you have superpowers you will

undoubtedly be overwhelmed by all the

possibilities in front of you should be

good will I be evil should I just start

killing people right away should I focus

on getting rich this is the point where

you're gonna want to take a step back

and remember these five simple rules

rule number one don't get caught I'll be

the first to admit but I didn't follow

this rule in the beginning I remember

thinking things like go ahead call the

police I'll kill them too

or I don't care how many witnesses I

leave behind I want everybody to know

about me I cannot stress this enough you

do not want to be famous

please not right away once everybody

knows about you you'll be dealing with

police FBI SWAT teams military sure you

get to kill scores of people put your

future options they're gonna be severely

limited you'll have to start thinking

about a name a costume and agenda

catchphrases you get my point

chop me when I tell you you're better

off evolving at your own pace so don't

get caught

rule number 2

plan ahead one of the first things

you'll notice when you have superpowers

is how unbelievably easy it is to kill

people there was this one time when I

killed 314 people in six minutes now for

as much fun as that was and it was fun I

spent weeks cleaning up the mess

Palestine I could have spent killing you

torturing more people so what'd you do

decide to kill somebody take a few

moments to think about what you're doing

so if you decide to kill someone in a

crowded location always make sure to

know where the exits are that way you

can make an easy escape if there's going

to be a lot of witnesses it goes without

saying you're gonna have to tell them to

decide ahead of time if you're gonna go

ahead and kill them all in the scene or

wait til a later date and then kill them

all individually if you decide to kill

them later

make sure you gather all the relevant

contact information from every witness

so it's easy to find them when the time

comes

names addresses phone numbers emails you

may even want a friend of on Facebook

just remember a well-prepared killing

machine is a happy killing machine rule

number three dress appropriately

seeing as how superpowers are only ever

granted to attractive women this rule

should come naturally you don't have to

put together some ridiculous costume or

anything stupid like that

just remember to wear clothes that

instill confidence in yourself tops

should always accentuate the twins

remember super heroines

I never flat-chested pants should always

be form-fitting but nuts uncomfortably

tight baggy pants on the other hand we

run the risk of getting caught on things

tights and stockings well they tear much

too easily and

should only be more if you plan on

seducing your victim first always wear

high heels they not only make your legs

look longer but high heels automatically

give you a sexy and somewhat evil stride

fingerless gloves are a nice touch they

let your victims know that you mean

business not only are they fashionable

but they also keep your adorable little

hands clean from brains blood and

various other bodily fluids providing

your victims with pleasant imagery

before killing them is a thoughtful

gesture

so always dress accordingly rule number

four you decide who lives and who dies

there are over seven billion people on

the planet and the only reason they

exist is either a use side and let the

live or be you simply have gotten around

to killing them yet

killing random people is always great

fun there's nothing like hearing your

anonymous victims say things like why me

here what did I do to deserve this but

for as much fun as destroying a stranger

can be it's always much more satisfying

when you're killing someone that you've

decided needs to die that next-door

neighbor of yours who's nasty adds

Frankenstein vanity dogs never stop

Sparky elected officials cause don't

believe it pot is more dangerous than

alcohol

countless actors who started terribly

written mommy porn movies about sparkly

vampires even worthless famous for

nothing brain-dead bearded reality TV

stars who do nothing but complain about

stupid [ __ ] talking about you

Kardashians

nobody is beyond your reach you're

thousands of times stronger than anybody

on the planet so never sell yourself

short rule number five have fun

somebody once said with great power

comes great responsibility

well I'm here to tell you [ __ ] that

[ __ ] seriously the world is yours

now you can do whatever you want

you can kill whoever you want anything

you want is yours for the taking

there are an infinite number of ways to

kill and torture people so don't be

afraid to get creative

you can use everyday household objects

or cars for skyscrapers remember take

the time to toy with your victims tell

them that you're gonna kill their

families when you're done with them make

them watch you kill their spouses defame

your victims on Twitter before killing

them remember creativity is your friend

I promise you the following is five

basic rules will revive you with a solid

foundation for your future as a

super-powered sociopathic killing

machine be sure to tune in next time

when I'll be discussing the essential

techniques for destroying your victims

both mentally and physically

and if you have any questions comments

or ideas for future tutorials go ahead

and leave them in the comment box below

if you'd like to learn even more about

getting the most out of your superpowers

go ahead and visit me on Facebook

Twitter and Tumblr you can find the

links in the description below until

next time I'm Jessica Porter reminding

you that knowledge is power and power is

fun thanks for watching please subscribe

and we'll see you next time