NEVER EVER do this in your marriage! | Advice For Muslim Couples | Islamic Psychology | Haleh Banani

Summary

In this video, Hala Badani emphasizes the detrimental impact of addressing marital disputes through text messages. She explains that texting grievances can escalate conflicts and create negative associations with communication. Instead, Hala advocates for resolving issues face-to-face, where tone and context are clearer. She advises using text messages for positive affirmations or practical needs, not for airing complaints. Hala also offers a free PDF on her website with seven tips to improve marriages, encouraging couples to invest in learning effective communication and conflict resolution skills to enhance their relationship.

Takeaways

• 💔 Never address disputes or frustrations in your marriage through text messages.
• 📱 Texting complaints can create a negative association with your spouse's messages.
• 😞 Misinterpreting tone in text messages can escalate conflicts.
• 🚫 Avoid texting when angry; it often leads to more frustration and unresolved issues.
• ❤️ Use text messages to express love, miss someone, or request small tasks like picking up groceries.
• 🗣️ Resolve conflicts face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings and negative assumptions.
• 💡 Taking responsibility for your contributions to conflicts can improve your marriage.
• 👫 Improving your mood and effort in the relationship can lead to better interactions with your spouse.
• 🛠️ Learning conflict resolution and marriage skills is crucial for a healthy relationship.
• 📘 Download the free 'Seven Gems to Save Your Marriage' PDF for guidance and practical tips.

Q & A

What is the main message Hala Badani is conveying in this video?

Hala Badani advises against resolving marital conflicts through text messages, emphasizing that face-to-face communication is essential for effective conflict resolution.

Why does Hala Badani discourage resolving conflicts via text messages?

She discourages it because text messages often lead to misinterpretation of tone, escalation of conflicts, and a negative association with communication from one's spouse.

What are the three appropriate uses for text messaging in a marriage, according to Hala Badani?

Text messages should be used to express love, express that you miss your spouse, and ask them to pick up items from the grocery store.

What potential negative outcomes does Hala Badani mention about using text messages for conflict resolution?

Negative outcomes include escalated arguments, misinterpretation of messages, emotional disconnection, and avoidance of communication.

What alternative does Hala Badani suggest for resolving conflicts?

She suggests resolving conflicts face-to-face, emphasizing the need to learn proper conflict resolution skills.

What are some benefits of face-to-face communication in conflict resolution, as mentioned in the video?

Face-to-face communication allows for better understanding of tone, immediate clarification of misunderstandings, and a more personal connection.

What does Hala Badani say about the anticipation of communication from a spouse?

She mentions that anticipation of communication should be positive and exciting, not dreaded due to constant negative messages.

How does Hala Badani recommend handling feelings of frustration in a marriage?

She recommends addressing frustrations in person rather than through text messages, ensuring a constructive and calm discussion.

What does Hala Badani say about taking responsibility in a marriage?

She advises individuals to take responsibility for their contributions to issues and not to punish their spouse through coldness or distance.

What resources does Hala Badani offer for improving marriage communication skills?

She offers a free PDF titled 'Seven Gems to Save Your Marriage' available on her website, which includes tips and strategies for improving marital communication.

Outlines

00:00

📱 Avoid Texting Disputes in Marriage

Hala Badani emphasizes the importance of not addressing marital conflicts via text messages. She explains that texting during disputes can lead to misunderstandings, negativity, and even avoidance behaviors between spouses. Text messages should be reserved for positive communication, such as expressing love or coordinating daily tasks. Addressing issues face-to-face is crucial to prevent escalation and foster better communication.

05:01

💬 Face-to-Face Conflict Resolution

Hala Badani advises against using text messages for resolving conflicts, as it often leads to negative associations and escalations. She shares insights from her experience, noting that in-person discussions are more effective for resolving issues. Badani encourages couples to invest in learning conflict resolution skills and to use text messaging for positive interactions. She promotes her 'Seven Gems to Save Your Marriage' PDF as a resource for improving marital communication and harmony.

Keywords

💡Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution refers to the methods and processes involved in facilitating the peaceful ending of conflict and retribution. In the video, Hala Badani emphasizes the importance of addressing marital disputes face-to-face rather than through text messages. This approach helps avoid misunderstandings and miscommunications that often arise from reading tone and intent into written messages.

💡Text Messaging

Text messaging is the act of composing and sending electronic messages between two or more users of mobile devices, tablets, desktops/laptops, or other types of compatible computers. Hala Badani advises against using text messages to resolve marital conflicts because it can lead to misinterpretations and escalate disputes. Instead, she recommends using text messages for positive communication, like expressing love, missing the spouse, or practical requests.

💡Negative Association

Negative association refers to the connection or link formed in the mind between a stimulus and an unpleasant experience. In the video, Badani warns that constant negative text messages can create a negative association with one's spouse, making them dread communication. This association undermines the positive connection that should be present in a marriage.

💡Face-to-Face Communication

Face-to-face communication is an interaction between people in which they can see and talk to each other in person. Hala Badani stresses the importance of resolving conflicts through face-to-face communication, where body language, tone, and immediate feedback can help clarify misunderstandings and foster a more productive dialogue.

💡Assumptions

Assumptions are things that are accepted as true or certain to happen, without proof. Badani points out that in text messaging, people often make assumptions about the tone and intent of the message, which can lead to unnecessary conflict. She emphasizes the need to check and clarify assumptions to prevent misunderstandings.

💡Emotional Triggers

Emotional triggers are responses to certain stimuli that cause a strong emotional reaction. In the context of the video, receiving negative text messages can trigger emotions such as anger or frustration, which can escalate marital disputes. Badani advises avoiding emotionally charged text communications to prevent triggering negative reactions.

💡Affectionate Communication

Affectionate communication involves expressing love, care, and positive feelings towards one's partner. Badani recommends using text messages for affectionate communication, such as telling your spouse you love or miss them, to foster a positive and loving relationship.

💡Conflict Escalation

Conflict escalation is the process by which conflicts grow in severity over time. Badani notes that texting about conflicts can escalate the situation, as written words can be easily misinterpreted and lead to further anger and frustration. Face-to-face discussions are recommended to manage and resolve conflicts more effectively.

💡Miscommunication

Miscommunication is the failure to convey or understand information accurately. In the video, Badani highlights that text messaging can lead to miscommunication because it lacks the non-verbal cues and immediate feedback present in face-to-face conversations. This can cause misunderstandings and exacerbate conflicts.

💡Conflict Avoidance

Conflict avoidance is the practice of steering clear of confrontation and disagreements. Badani addresses the issue of spouses avoiding direct communication by resorting to text messages. She argues that this avoidance does not resolve the underlying issues and instead advises confronting and resolving conflicts directly and in person.

Highlights

Never resolve conflicts with your spouse through text messages.

Texting during disputes often escalates the situation and leads to more frustration.

Messages should be used for expressing love, missing each other, or practical reminders like picking up groceries.

Receiving negative texts creates a negative association with your spouse's messages.

Negative text exchanges can result in spouses avoiding each other's messages or calls.

Tone and intent are often misinterpreted in text messages, leading to misunderstandings.

Face-to-face communication is essential for resolving conflicts effectively.

Using text for constant complaints leads to a cycle of negativity and resentment.

Some couples block each other due to continuous negative text exchanges.

It's important to have a positive and affectionate tone in messages to maintain a healthy relationship.

Taking responsibility for one's contribution to an issue can improve the relationship.

Punishing your spouse by being cold or distant actually punishes yourself.

Effective conflict resolution requires learning specific skills, which can transform marital issues.

Investing time in learning and applying conflict resolution skills can significantly improve marital satisfaction.

Hala Badani offers a free PDF with seven gems to save your marriage, available on her website.

Transcripts

never ever

do this in your marriage

my name is hala badani empowering you

with psychological tips and spiritual

support bismillah was salat

so what is it that people do in their

marriage and it destroys it i hear this

all the time from my clients they

have a dispute there's something they're

frustrated about they are

wanting to address the issue but how do

they do it they do it in a text and they

start sending messages back and forth

sometimes the spouse is at work and then

the wife is really frustrated in sending

text sometimes the woman is at work and

she's getting texts or she's at home

with the kids and she's very frustrated

and this back and forth it is the worst

thing that you can do in your marriage

why is it so terrible first of all that

with the tech you should look forward to

receiving a message from your spouse i

don't know of those of you who may have

met earlier on and there was this

anticipation whether it was with a phone

call whether it was a text or whatever

it was there needs to be this like oh my

gosh okay i'm hearing from my spouse

there should be some excitement but if

you're constantly sending nasty messages

to each other it's going to make the

person not even want to answer your

phone calls they're not even going to

want to you know text back because i

know what this is going to be about

they're just going to chew me out they

are frustrated and there's like a long

list of criticism you don't want to have

that negative association

your name pops up that should light up

their world and if it doesn't then and

they think oh god here we go again he's

gonna he's gonna complain about a whole

bunch of things she's gonna go whining

about things and then people take it as

far as blocking each other because the

constant messaging

and some people will tell me some of my

clients will tell me that it's because

we never get a chance to talk and i'm

mad and i gotta get it out of my system

that is really

that is never an option do not text

nasty messages to your spouse or trying

to resolve a conflict when you are not

in the same place you have to do this

face face you guys it's hard enough when

you are doing it face-to-face what if

you're sitting there and texting when

you're texting to one another you don't

hear the tone a lot of times you read

into the tone okay and i have

experienced this not with my spouse

alhamdulillah we don't do that but when

it comes to if there is someone that you

have a tense relationship with and you

get a message you can easily read a tone

into it and the person may not have that

intention but you read into it so that's

the first thing is that you don't hear

the tone and a lot of times you need

follow-up you need clarification and all

you need is to check an assumption when

you check that assumption then you know

it just dispels anything but when you

don't and you're just reading into it

you have sued then you're assuming the

worst you have those negative you have

the negative narrative you're reading a

tone into it and it cannot it cannot do

you any good it's actually a disastrous

thing what i have seen clients do is

that they constantly text back and forth

and it escalates i have never seen a

situation where a husband and wife

they're texting back and forth fighting

complaining and then it ends peacefully

they will usually end up in my office

more frustrated than ever and i keep

telling them we had an agreement do not

text when you're angry you know what

text messages need to be for they need

to be for several things one you tell

the person how much you love them okay

that would be a nice text you tell them

how much you miss them and you tell them

they go pick you you need them to pick

up milk or bread or meat from the

grocery store okay so those are the

three things you need the text messaging

for is you either tell them you love

them you miss them or please grab some

grab some chicken on your way home all

right if it's other than that your

spouse is going to start having a very

negative association

they're not going to want to take your

calls and this is one of the biggest

complaints i get is that my husband

never responds to my text or my wife i

call her and she doesn't pick up and i

tell them what has

what have your messages been like and

they say i chew out my spouse and i go

how do you expect them to be excited to

pick up your phone call or respond to

your text when you have this negative

this na you're just pouring negativity

on the on your spouse so it really makes

a difference i'm sure all of you have

had one individual in your life that

their text is always something annoying

some a complaint a criticism and you

don't even want to read it you really

don't even want to click and read it

because it's going to just open up or

trigger your emotions or put you in a

bad mood or whatever it is so don't be

that person for your spouse whatever you

do

try to do it in person learn the skills

so it's marriage mending monday and my

message to you do not solve your

problems don't ever

never ever

text the problems your complaints or

whatever it is because what ends up

happening is that it just escalates and

it gets much worse what you need to do

instead is leave those text messages for

a way to connect it needs to be

some form of affection kindness and you

may say why should i be why should i be

affectionate when they're being so

annoyed you can sit there and play

chicken with your spouse who's going to

give in first who's going to apologize

first but that's it's very juvenile to

do that and i have seen individuals that

when they take responsibility for their

contribution to the issue now i'm not

talking about abuse i'm not talking

about infidelity i'm just talking about

people who have issues with each other

okay and there is no it's not

necessarily any kind of abuse i just

have to get that out there so you don't

um

you don't think i'm telling you to just

overlook the abuse all right but when

there's just some issues and you're

waiting for your spouse to take that

initiative and they don't and you're

just holding your breath i had a client

that i told her

you think you're punishing your spouse

by being cold and being distant and

shutting down you're actually you're

punishing yourself because how hard is

it when you do that and then she said

you know what i took your advice

i decided i'm gonna be easy going i'm

gonna put in my effort and it's just so

we had a wonderful weekend because i was

in a better mood and and i wasn't

punishing him because i was actually

punishing myself so this is very

important for you to keep in mind that

don't punish your spouse by being angry

right and these are all the steps that i

teach on my fine pillars of marriage

program it is a program that is

comprehensive it is all within the

islamic framework and it is based on 24

years of personal experience being

masha'allah happily married and based on

20 years experience helping

thousands of people all over the world

save their marriage and help them to see

things differently and have a whole new

experience in their life so i want to be

able to help you as well

if you'd like to benefit from the seven

gems to save your marriage this is a

free pdf you can download on my website

halabinadi.com and and learn and apply

and see the difference that it makes so

no more text messaging mean things and

trying to solve your problems do it in

person and when you do it in person you

got to know how to do the skills because

most people don't know conflict

resolution they do all the wrong things

and i just tell them my goodness you

just need to learn the skills the

marriage skills the conflict resolution

skills and once you have it yours your

problems will be solved really sometimes

all it takes is 10 minutes maximum 30

minutes and most people are willing to

sit through a 30 minute discussion to

resolve their conflict so i hope that

you take the time and invest in your

marriage invest in yourself with um the

seven gems to save your marriage just a

free pdf and i hope you benefit from it

and may allah shower all of your

marriages with so much barakat

so many blessings and may you always see

the best in each other and choose to be

the one to take that and they should

have inshallah take care thank you for

tuning in salaam alaikum