6 reasons it’s hard to ask for what you want…
Summary
TLDRThis video script delves into the common challenges of expressing personal needs, stemming from six key factors rooted in childhood experiences. It explores emotional invalidation, manipulation, unavailability, misattunement, poor communication patterns, and conditional love, and how these can hinder open communication as adults. The script encourages introspection and offers guidance on developing healthier communication to foster authentic relationships.
Takeaways
- 🤔 The script discusses the challenges many people face in expressing their needs due to various factors from their upbringing.
- 😔 Invalidation of emotions during childhood can lead to a belief that one's feelings are not valid, causing hesitation in asking for personal needs.
- 😖 Emotional manipulation can make individuals feel responsible for managing others' emotions, leading to guilt and a reluctance to express their own needs.
- 😶 A lack of emotional availability from caregivers can result in self-reliance and an inability to express vulnerability or ask for support.
- 😕 Misattunement in childhood, where caregivers fail to recognize or respond to a child's emotional needs, can lead to difficulty in identifying and articulating one's own needs as an adult.
- 😡 Witnessing poor communication patterns in the family can shape one's style of communication, making it hard to express needs directly for fear of being perceived as rude.
- 😨 Conditional love, where affection is tied to meeting certain expectations, can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, leading to indirect communication to avoid conflict.
- 🧐 The script encourages introspection and understanding the impact of family experiences to break free from unhealthy patterns and foster more authentic relationships.
- 👨👩👧👦 Family dynamics play a significant role in shaping an individual's ability to communicate their needs, with various scenarios like emotional invalidation and manipulation affecting this ability.
- 💡 Developing healthier communication patterns and coping strategies is key to overcoming the obstacles that prevent individuals from asking for what they need.
- 📚 The video suggests that further learning and workshops can aid in understanding and addressing these issues, promoting personal growth and better relationships.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed in the video script?
-The main topic discussed in the video script is the challenge of asking for what we need and the reasons why many people find it difficult to communicate their needs openly and honestly.
What are the six common reasons explored in the video for the difficulty in expressing our needs?
-The six common reasons are: 1) invalidation of emotions, 2) emotional manipulation, 3) lack of emotional availability, 4) misattunement, 5) poor communication patterns, and 6) conditional love.
How does invalidation of emotions affect a person's ability to ask for what they need?
-Invalidation of emotions can lead to a person believing their feelings are not valid, causing them to doubt their desires and hesitate to express their needs, as they may think their needs are somehow needy, weird, or wrong.
Can you provide an example of emotional invalidation from the script?
-An example of emotional invalidation from the script is a parent dismissing a child's excitement about their future dreams by rolling their eyes or telling someone nearby about it in a way that implies the child is being naive.
What is emotional manipulation and how does it impact a child's development?
-Emotional manipulation is when a caregiver responds to a child's emotions with emotional reactivity, making the child feel responsible for managing the caregiver's emotions. This can lead to feelings of guilt, obligation, and emotional confusion, and can hinder the child's ability to express their own needs or feelings.
Why might someone struggle with asking for what they need due to emotional unavailability?
-Someone might struggle with asking for what they need if they grew up with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable because they may have learned to prioritize their own needs, suppress emotions, and rely on self-reliance, believing they cannot count on others for support.
What is misattunement and how does it affect a person's ability to identify and articulate their needs?
-Misattunement refers to a lack of emotional attunement or responsiveness from caregivers, which can cause a person to struggle with identifying and articulating their own needs as they may have become disconnected from their inner experiences and uncertain about what they truly want or need.
How do poor communication patterns in a family influence an individual's ability to express their needs?
-Poor communication patterns, such as conflict avoidance or passive aggressiveness, can shape an individual's communication style, making it difficult for them to express their needs directly, as they may perceive such expressions as rude or unkind.
What is conditional love and how does it create a fear of rejection or abandonment?
-Conditional love is a family dynamic where love and approval are given based on meeting certain expectations or behaviors. This can create a fear of rejection or abandonment if an individual's needs or desires do not align with those expectations, leading them to avoid expressing their needs to prevent conflict or disapproval.
What advice does the video script offer for addressing the underlying factors that make it difficult to ask for what we need?
-The video script suggests introspection, therapy, and a conscious effort to develop healthier communication patterns and coping strategies. By acknowledging and understanding the impact of family of origin experiences, individuals can work towards breaking free from these patterns and fostering more authentic and fulfilling relationships.
How can someone identify if they have grown up with any of the six dynamics discussed in the script?
-The script encourages individuals to reflect on their experiences and symptoms such as struggling to believe their emotions are valid, worrying about how asking for needs might affect others, feeling they should handle things on their own, being unable to identify or articulate what they need, and fearing rejection or abandonment. These reflections can indicate which dynamics they may have grown up with.
Outlines
🤔 Emotional Invalidation and Its Impact
The first paragraph discusses the struggle many people face when trying to communicate their needs due to emotional invalidation experienced in their upbringing. It suggests that if one's emotions were dismissed as a child, they may grow up believing their feelings are not valid, leading to hesitancy in expressing desires and needs. The script uses scenarios to illustrate how parents' reactions to a child's excitement or sadness can teach the child that their emotions are not acknowledged, which can affect their ability to ask for what they need as adults.
😣 Emotional Manipulation and the Burden of Responsibility
This paragraph delves into the effects of emotional manipulation on children, where they are made to feel responsible for managing their parents' emotions. It describes how this can lead to guilt, obligation, and emotional confusion, preventing children from expressing their needs openly. The summary explains how these dynamics can carry over into adulthood, causing individuals to suppress their emotions and needs, potentially resulting in passive-aggressive behavior or self-reliance to avoid relying on others.
😕 Lack of Emotional Availability and Self-Reliance
The third paragraph examines the impact of having caregivers who were emotionally unavailable during childhood. It suggests that children may internalize the idea that their emotions or needs are too much, leading to self-reliance and suppression of emotions. The summary highlights how this upbringing can result in adults who are unable to express vulnerability or ask for support, instead taking on excessive responsibilities and developing patterns of toxic independence.
😯 Misattunement and the Struggle to Identify Needs
The fourth paragraph explores childhood misattunement, where caregivers fail to recognize or respond appropriately to a child's emotional needs. It explains that this lack of emotional attunement can lead to adults who struggle to identify and articulate their own needs. The summary points out that growing up with misattunement can result in disconnection from one's inner experiences and a lack of understanding of personal desires and preferences.
🙄 Poor Communication Patterns and Their Legacy
This paragraph discusses the influence of poor communication patterns, such as conflict avoidance and passive-aggressiveness, observed in family environments. It suggests that witnessing these patterns can shape an individual's communication style, making it difficult to express needs directly. The summary explains how children may learn that expressing needs is considered rude or unkind, leading to frustration and indirect attempts to have their needs met.
😞 Conditional Love and the Fear of Rejection
The final paragraph addresses the issue of conditional love, where a child's sense of worth and acceptance is tied to meeting specific expectations. It describes how this dynamic can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, causing individuals to avoid expressing their needs directly. The summary highlights the struggle of adults who may suppress their desires to avoid conflict or disapproval, stemming from their upbringing with conditional love.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Emotional Validation
💡Emotional Manipulation
💡Emotional Availability
💡Parentification
💡Emotional Attunement
💡Conditional Love
💡Communication Patterns
💡Self-Reliance
💡Toxic Independence
💡Passive-Aggressive Behavior
💡Introspection
Highlights
The challenge of asking for what we need is a common issue influenced by various factors.
Six common reasons are explored for the difficulty in communicating our needs openly and honestly.
Emotional invalidation from childhood can lead to a belief that one's emotions are not valid.
Dismissal of a child's excitement or sadness can teach them that their feelings are not important.
Emotional manipulation can make children feel responsible for managing others' emotions, leading to guilt and obligation.
Lack of emotional availability from caregivers can result in self-reliance and suppression of emotions.
Emotional unavailability in childhood can create patterns of not expressing needs or relying on others.
Misattunement in childhood can lead to difficulties in identifying and articulating one's own needs as an adult.
Poor communication patterns in the family can shape how we express our needs and make it difficult to do so directly.
Conditional love can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, leading to indirect communication to avoid conflict.
The impact of family of origin experiences can be broken by understanding and developing healthier communication patterns.
Introspection and therapy can help in addressing the underlying factors that hinder asking for what we need.
Authentic and fulfilling relationships can be fostered by breaking free from unhealthy patterns learned in childhood.
The video encourages viewers to pay attention to their automatic thoughts and feelings as they relate to asking for needs.
Examples are provided to illustrate how childhood experiences with parents can shape our ability to express needs.
The transcript discusses the concept of 'toxic independence' and its origins in emotionally unavailable upbringing.
A check-in is suggested for viewers to reflect on whether their fear of asking for needs is due to concerns about others' feelings.
Transcripts
let me ask you about these symptoms
which of these is the obstacle to asking
for what you need is it that you
struggle to believe your emotions are
valid do you have a hard time asking for
what you need because you worry about
how it might make the other person feel
today we're diving into a topic that
many of us can relate to the challenge
of asking for what we need have you ever
found yourself hesitating or struggling
to express your desires whether it's in
your personal relationships at work or
even in simple day-to-day situations
well you're not alone asking for what we
need can be a complex process influenced
by a variety of factors in this video
we'll explore six of the most common
reasons why many of us find it difficult
to communicate our needs openly and
honestly as we go through them notice
what comes up for you are there memories
that come to mind automatic
thoughts stories
pay attention to that as we make our way
through number one invalidation of
emotions if we grew up in a home where
our feelings were dismissed or
disregarded on a basic level we learn
that our feelings aren't valid we think
we're overreacting or making things up
we can even assume that the emotion is
coming from a place inside that doesn't
make sense so when we have a need
instead of asking for what we want we
assume that what we want is somehow
needy or weird or wrong emotional
invalidation does not have to be super
intense but it can be it might be as
Extreme as a parent yelling at their
child that their emotions are stupid or
way over the top but also it can play
out in ways that we tend to
normalize like picture yourself as a
child and now imagine that you're having
a really big feeling let's start with
the feeling of
excitement maybe you're excited about
what you want to be when you grow up now
let's Envision that you run into the
room to tell your parents you're so
excited you're going to be an astronaut
or maybe you want to be a singer or a
president how do you think your parents
would have responded in that moment
would they lean in and listen to your
excitement would they meet you in that
moment validating the joy and excitement
that comes with dreaming big
dreams would they ignore you like that's
great honey and then move on
or would they feel it's important to let
you know that that dream probably won't
happen do you picture them rolling their
eyes like you're silly or acting funny
or telling someone nearby about it like
you're being so cute and naive now let's
imagine a different scenario can you
picture yourself as a child being sad
about something feeling disappointed
maybe we didn't get that role in the
play we wanted or didn't make the
varsity team picture going to your
parents about it how do they react do
they stop what they're doing and sit
with you in that feeling listening and
leaning in taking your feeling seriously
or did they minimize the thing that
you're upset about oh you're just being
so silly or even get frustrated with
your tears like stop crying maybe they
even use toxic positivity to try to get
you to snap out of it like think look on
the bright side you have so many good
things going for you I know it might be
hard to see how that kind of moment
connects to asking for what we need but
what happens in both of those situations
is that we learn our feelings aren't
valid kids don't have the ability to
interpret that as uh you know Mom had a
rough day so she's a little bit more
impatient or dad has a hard time with
sadness because of his own issues
instead we internalize it as my feelings
must be an overreaction or even a wrong
response to whatever it is that happened
fast forward and we're in a friendship
where our friend has a pattern of making
fun of us in public we hate that but
instead of speaking up we assume that
the problem is with us maybe we're being
too
sensitive maybe we're
overreacting instead of speaking up we
continue to feel hurt in that Dynamic
and sometimes it spills out in passive
aggressive comments because we don't
know how to address it number two
emotional
manipulation picture this you are 14
years old you've been struggling with
anxiety and stress due to school
pressure and some drama in your friend
group you come home and vent about how
stressed you are instead of offering
empathy and understanding your mom
responds by becoming emotionally
reactive and playing the victim like I
can't believe you're putting this all on
me don't you know how stressed I am how
do you think it feels for me to hear all
of this emotional manipulation creates a
dynamic where children feel responsible
for managing their parents emotions and
prioritizing their needs over their own
leading to feelings of guilt obligation
and emotional confusion these kinds of
interactions create a space where a
child begins to internalize the idea
that expressing their needs or feelings
is hurtful and that they're fully
responsible for how someone responds to
their expression of
emotion and just a quick check-in is
your fear of asking for what you need
fueled by your concerns about how it
could make someone else
feel that you might be hurting their
feelings are adding to their
stress those worries can keep us from
asking for what we need and as a result
our attempts to get our needs met might
come out kind of sideways we might find
ourselves trying to get our needs met
without having to communicate our
feelings sort of like the silent
screaming that I talked about in my
other video number three lack of
emotional availability anyone have
caregivers that were emotionally
unavailable or preoccupied with their
own needs maybe you had a parent who had
a chronic illness and that meant that
they were unable for some reason to
provide attention or affection
consistently perhaps you had a parent
who had their own trauma or childhood
attachment wounds that made them able to
provide for you physically or
logistically but not emotionally or it's
possible that your parents just avoided
any kind of personal or sensitive topic
because it was just too much for them
which could have also meant that you had
to provide your parents with emotional
support as well the hard thing about
being a kid is that whether our parents
were unwilling or unable for some
legitimate reason to provide emotional
availability for us our brain still
internalizes the experience the same way
we assume that our emotions or our needs
are too much or that it's not okay to
express them in fact we might not even
know how to our brain might not even
think of sharing emotional needs as an
option cuz it's never been one in that
process we may have learned to
prioritize meeting our own needs like
ourself doing it all ourself and
suppressing emotions to avoid relying on
anyone else for support we may have
developed a pattern of self-reliance and
Independence or what I like to call
toxic Independence where we don't think
we can count on anyone else so we have
to do everything on our own were your
caregivers emotionally unavailable in
some
way if you're not sure here's what that
may have looked like imagine Sarah who
lost her father at a young age her
mother had a hard time coping with the
loss she loved Sarah but didn't have the
capacity to provide consistent emotional
support to her or her siblings for a
period of their
childhood as a result of this upbringing
Sarah took on additional
responsibilities around the house and in
caring for her younger siblings she took
on the role of caretaker for her mom and
her siblings she was parentified or as I
recently talked about she had eldest
daughter syndrome and ended up caring
for her mom more than her mom ended up
caring for her Sarah now in her late 20s
finds herself in a romantic relationship
with John a caring and supportive
partner however Sarah's upbringing of
emotional unavailability has left her
with deeply ingrained patterns of
self-sufficiency and difficulty
expressing
vulnerability Sarah is feeling
overwhelmed with work and personal
stressors but she doesn't even think to
communicate her struggles to John
instead she becomes increasingly
frustrated and bitter that expects her
to do everything almost resenting the
role that she put herself in it could be
frustrating and painful not to mention
difficult for those we are in
relationships with to even understand
frankly because we didn't give them an
opportunity to number four
misattunement childhood misattunement
refers to a lack of emotional Attunement
or responsiveness from caregivers during
a child's formative years it occurs when
caregivers fail to accurately recognize
understand and appropriately respond to
the child's emotional needs and cues
atunement is not just about emotional
validation or
availability it's also a huge key in
emotional
identification we learn how to identify
our emotions through this process of
Attunement like think of a newborn baby
they feel Panic or pain but they don't
know whether they're hungry thirsty sick
or tired
a parent figures that out by attuning to
their cries and then helps them learn to
identify that feeling right they come in
they swoop in they help and they fix it
when we grow up in a house with
emotional lack of Attunement our parents
don't notice our internal States or
misattunement like they misidentify our
internal States we can struggle as
adults to identify and articulate our
own
needs we may have become disconnected
from our inner experiences and uncertain
about what we truly want want or need
consider this during challenging times
you might sense that a relationship
isn't functioning as it should taking a
proactive approach ask yourself when
reflecting on your relationships do you
have a clear understanding of your
needs can you identify what you desire
within that
Dynamic let's go even deeper do you know
what you want in
life do you know what you want to be
like or do our emotions are the ways we
get in touch with our preferences and
wants when we didn't have healthy
Attunement from our parents we may not
have learned how to identify them and if
we don't know what we
need it's really hard to ask for it
right let's think about you for a second
now picture yourself as a child you may
not remember much about your childhood
so just imagine this imagine you go to
your parents and you're feeling anxious
or afraid of something that they've
asked you to do is it possible they
might misinterpret that behavior
thinking that maybe you're being defiant
or disobedient is there a time you can
imagine that you might have gone to them
for comfort and instead received
punishment this kind of misattunement
can feel so scary that we often
disconnect from our emotional
experiences all together thinking that
they're dangerous or bad we felt sad and
we got in trouble so sad must be bad we
felt confused or afraid we got yelled at
so confused or afraid must be
shameful if you identify with any of
that you might find that as an adult you
struggle to identify and articulate your
own needs you may have disconnected from
your needs in order to protect yourself
from being you know bad or you might
just feel a sense of Shame around the
thought of bringing emotions like that
to someone else does any of that ring
true for you do you identify with that
number five poor communic Comm unication
patterns witnessing unhealthy
communication patterns such as conflict
avoidance passive aggressiveness or a
sense of obligation within our family
can shape our communication style and
make it difficult to express our needs
directly what do I mean by that well
think about a home where your parents
are always polite to each other or
friends but then they also vent it about
other people around you you might have
learned that expressing needs to the
other person in a relationship is rude
or thought of as unkind and you can feel
frustrated but you can't express that to
them directly or you're being rude let
me give you an example let's say Your
Neighbor comes over to ask your parents
to watch her dog while she goes on
vacation your mom says yes and smiles
and even offers your neighbor some
coffee and a snack when The Neighbor
leaves your mom's like G why did she
stay so long I can never get rid of her
and it's a little rude of them to ask me
to watch their dog don't you think as a
kid you watch all of this
unfold from our parents we learn how the
world works so your little child brain
doesn't think Weir that my mom invited
them in and then didn't want them to
stay and weird of them to say yes if
they wanted to say
no we don't think like that instead our
brain learns this is how the world works
it must be rude to ask someone to do
that because my mom said it's rude and
also it must be rude to ask someone to
leave when you want them to because
otherwise my mom would have done that
through this one example you've learned
that number one it's rude to ask for
help and number two it's rude to express
your own
preferences in fact it's actually your
job to anticipate the other person's
preferences and cater to
them do you relate to that at all do you
find yourself irritated when people ask
you to do something because you feel
like the ask itself is a request one you
can't say no to you find yourself
frustrated when people don't anticipate
your needs like when they don't pick up
on your direct signals for example
you're out with friends and you
keep sighing but no one asks you what's
wrong or you're complaining about not
having a ride to the airport and no one
jumps in and offers to take
you that might be because if the
situation was reversed you would
absolutely offer or lean in because in
your mind that's how the world Works no
one ask for what they need because
that's rude and everyone anticipates
what the other person needs because
that's how you get your needs
number six conditional
love last but not least let's talk about
Dynamics in a family where there is
conditional love family environments
where love and approval are contingent
upon meeting certain expectations or
behaviors can create a fear of rejection
or abandonment we may resort to indirect
communication to avoid risking
disapproval or withdrawal of affection
let's think of an example Emily grows up
in a family where her parents have
strict EXP expectations for behavior and
achievement they only show affection and
approval when Emily meets these
expectations such as getting good grades
or following their rules however when
Emily expresses her own needs or
desires that don't align with their
expectations her parents react by
withdrawing their affection as an adult
Emily struggles to assert her needs or
desires openly fearing rejection or
abandonment if they don't align with
someone else's expectations
she may even hesitate to ask for what
she needs directly preferring to
suppress her desires to avoid conflict
or potential disapproval so question for
those of you who struggle to ask for
what you need which one of these
Dynamics do you identify with most you
may not even know but let me ask you
about these symptoms which of these is
the obstacle to asking for what you need
is it that you struggle to believe your
emotions are
valid do you think they might be foolish
or silly or an overreaction that may
indicate you grew up in a home without
healthy emotional validation do you have
a hard time asking for what you need
because you worry about how it might
make the other person
feel you may have grown up around
emotional manipulation where you took on
too much responsibility for other
people's emotions maybe you struggle
because you feel you should be able to
handle things on your own this might
indicate you grew up in a home without
emotional availability do you feel
unable to even even identify or
articulate what you need that could mean
that you grew up without Attunement or
is the thing that's in the way just this
sense that it's inappropriate or rude
that can be an indicator that you grew
up with a family culture that had poor
direct communication
patterns lastly is the thing that's in
the way a fear of rejection or
abandonment maybe you experienced
conditional love or approval as a kid so
what do you do addressing these
underlying factors often requires
introspection you know that being a
detective about it also therapy and a
conscious effort to develop healthier
communication patterns and coping
strategies by acknowledging and
understanding the impact of family of
origin
experiences we can work towards Breaking
Free from patterns like this and Foster
more authentic and fulfilling
relationships if you want to know more
about that you can check out my
workshops at Katie morton. thank you so
much for watching have a wonderful rest
of your week and I will see you next
time
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