On Feeling Obliged
Summary
TLDRThe script explores the burden of never wanting to let others down, leading to a life of constant compliance despite personal discomfort. It delves into the origins of this excessive sense of obligation, often rooted in childhood experiences where one's needs were overlooked. The narrative suggests a path to liberation through learning to be honest and setting boundaries, emphasizing the importance of self-kindness over the fear of disappointing others. It proposes a middle ground between blind obedience and aggressive reactions, advocating for a polite yet firm approach to saying 'no'.
Takeaways
- š The script discusses the struggle of people who feel compelled to never let others down, even at the expense of their own desires and comfort.
- š¤ It highlights the internal conflict of disliking certain social engagements but participating in them due to a sense of obligation.
- š The text suggests that this pattern of behavior may stem from a lack of attention to one's own needs in the past, often due to the inconsideration of others.
- š It emphasizes the importance of learning to be honest with oneself and others, including the ability to say 'no' without guilt.
- š« The script encourages breaking free from the 'illness' of constant compliance and the need to please everyone.
- š£ļø It suggests that learning to express one's true feelings and desires, even if it means disappointing others, is a crucial step towards personal well-being.
- š¤ The author proposes that there is a middle ground between being overly accommodating and aggressively assertive: one can be polite yet firm in setting boundaries.
- š It points out that the fear of disappointing others is often exaggerated and that most people can handle rejection or a refusal better than we think.
- š« The script calls for education in setting boundaries and expressing oneself honestly, as these skills may not have been learned in childhood.
- ā¤ļø The ultimate goal is to prioritize self-kindness and self-care over the fear of momentarily frustrating others, even if they are not people we particularly like.
Q & A
What is the main challenge faced by individuals described in the script?
-The main challenge is an overwhelming sense of obligation to never let people down, leading to agreeing to requests and commitments they might not genuinely want to fulfill.
Why do these individuals feel compelled to fulfill others' requests even when they don't like them?
-They fear the consequences of saying no and struggle with the emotional discomfort that comes from disappointing others, often due to a history of being taught to prioritize others' needs over their own.
How does the script suggest that the kindness of others can exacerbate this problem?
-The kindness of others can make individuals feel even more obliged to reciprocate and not let them down, leading to a cycle of agreeing to things they don't want to do.
What is the root cause of this excessive sense of obligation according to the script?
-The root cause is often a history of key people in their lives not showing obligation towards their needs, leading them to develop a manic sense of obligation as a coping mechanism.
What is the suggested solution to break free from this pattern of behavior?
-The solution is to start taking their own needs seriously, learning the language of honesty, and setting boundaries by saying no when necessary.
How does the script propose to handle the fear of disappointing others?
-By realizing that most adults can handle a 'no' and may even appreciate the setting of boundaries, and by practicing being civil, firm, polite, and definitive when declining.
What is the significance of learning to say no in the context of the script?
-Learning to say no is significant as it allows individuals to assert their autonomy, maintain their well-being, and establish healthy relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
How does the script describe the potential reactions of others when one starts to set boundaries?
-The script suggests that the consequences of disappointing people are often not as severe as feared, and that most can accept a refusal with grace, possibly even appreciating the honesty.
What is the ultimate goal for individuals struggling with this sense of obligation, as per the script?
-The ultimate goal is to love and be kind to themselves more than they fear momentarily frustrating others, leading to a healthier and more self-respecting lifestyle.
Why does the script suggest that learning these skills should be part of education?
-The script implies that learning to set boundaries and say no is a crucial life skill that some people might not have learned at home, and thus should be taught in schools to help them navigate social situations with confidence.
How does the script address the fear of negative reactions when one decides to be honest about their feelings?
-The script addresses this fear by encouraging individuals to be civil and firm in their communication, suggesting that most people can accept a polite refusal and that it is healthier to prioritize one's own well-being.
Outlines
š¤ The Burden of People-Pleasing
This paragraph discusses the overwhelming sense of obligation some people feel to never let others down, which leads to constant compliance with others' requests despite personal discomfort. It highlights how this behavior can manifest in various social situations, such as attending parties, giving money, or even going on vacations with people they don't particularly like. The text suggests that this tendency is often rooted in a history of neglect or lack of emotional reciprocity in early relationships, where the individual's needs were often overshadowed by those of others. The paragraph concludes with the idea that learning to be honest and assertive is crucial for overcoming this pattern, emphasizing the importance of self-kindness over the fear of disappointing others.
Mindmap
Keywords
š”obligation
š”emotional relationship
š”self-pitying explosion
š”historical lack of obligation
š”honesty
š”backbone
š”boundaries
š”compliance
š”volcanic fury
š”self-kindness
Highlights
The struggle of not wanting to let people down, even when it's at the expense of one's own desires.
The tendency to continue pleasing others despite personal discomfort.
The fear of disappointing others, leading to participation in unwanted activities.
The internal conflict between personal feelings and the pressure to meet others' expectations.
The historical background of feeling obligated, often rooted in childhood experiences.
The impact of early life experiences where personal needs were not prioritized.
The development of a sense of obligation as a reaction to others' lack of obligation towards us.
The importance of learning to take one's own feelings and needs seriously.
The necessity of adopting the language of honesty to express personal boundaries.
The realization that it's possible to be both kind and firm in setting boundaries.
The potential for shock and self-discovery when recognizing one's own backbone.
The understanding that most adults can handle rejection and may appreciate clear boundaries.
The concept of being civil yet definitive in communicating one's limitations.
The idea that there is a middle ground between compliance and anger in managing relationships.
The suggestion that schools should teach the skills of setting boundaries and expressing needs.
The progress comes from prioritizing self-kindness over the fear of disappointing others.
Transcripts
For some of us, our lives are guided - andĀ hemmed in - by one overwhelming imperative:Ā Ā
we must never let people down. NotĀ just a few friends and family members,Ā Ā
but pretty much anyone who wants anything ofĀ us. Perhaps someone wants to see us again forĀ Ā
supper. We kept them entertained and now theyĀ want more. The problem is that we really donātĀ Ā
much like them - but we go anyway, because howĀ could we not, next time and probably the twentyĀ Ā
times after that. We give money to people we donātĀ trust, we stay up too late at parties we hate,Ā Ā
we wind up on holiday with characters we haveĀ little in common with. We would feel a sense ofĀ Ā
obligation to someone weād just met on a tramĀ or to a dog that wanted us to keep throwing aĀ Ā
ball. On our gravestone it might as well say: gotĀ here a lot earlier out of an inability to say no.
It gets worse the kinder a person happens to beĀ to us - and the more emotional the relationship.Ā Ā
If we develop reservations about a partner,Ā weāll smile bravely when they speak of meetingĀ Ā
up with their parents, moving in - orĀ getting married. Who are we to have aĀ Ā
contrary view? What gives us the right toĀ turn away enthusiasm, simply because weĀ Ā
happen to feel a little uncomfortableĀ and intermittently somewhat nauseous?
There tends to be a history behind our feelingsĀ of obligation. Way back, people around us wereĀ Ā
likely not to have been overly interested inĀ our sincere needs. What did it matter how weĀ Ā
were feeling about school or a friend orĀ the strange pain in our tummy - when they,Ā Ā
the big important person, had somethingĀ properly vital going on in their world? WeĀ Ā
might have needed to tread extremely carefullyĀ lest we encourage yet another bout of rage orĀ Ā
self-pitying explosion. Probably best notĀ to mention that we needed the bathroom orĀ Ā
werenāt having fun in the museum or would reallyĀ have liked another slice of cake. A manic senseĀ Ā
of obligation is the logical consequence of keyĀ peopleās historic lack of obligation towards us.
The way out of our knots is to start to take themĀ seriously. This isnāt just part of what everyoneĀ Ā
has to do. At this pitch, itās an illness. WeĀ need to learn the foreign language of honesty:Ā Ā
I donāt want to be with this person any moreĀ - even though we had some nice times. I donātĀ Ā
want to see this friend any more - evenĀ though they have some good qualities. IĀ Ā
donāt need to give them what they wantĀ - even if they tell me they adore me.
We can be shocked by the discovery of ourĀ backbone. We had believed we were āniceā; nowĀ Ā
we sense an obligation to someone beyond the firstĀ person who believes we can be useful to them.
Along the way, we learn that the consequenceĀ of disappointing people is almost never what weĀ Ā
fear. Not everyone is like our fragile fatherĀ or irate mother. Most adults can take a ānoā,Ā Ā
and may even be grateful to us forĀ putting boundaries on their demands.
There is an option beyond the dichotomyĀ of meek compliance on the one hand andĀ Ā
volcanic fury on the other: weĀ can be at once civil and firm,Ā Ā
polite and definitive. āI would have loved to seeĀ you, but my health isnāt so good at the moment,Ā Ā
so let me be the one to get back in touchĀ when Iām up for itā¦ā āThank you for your kindĀ Ā
offer. Iād have loved to take you up on this,Ā but circumstances make it sadly impossible,Ā Ā
forgive meā¦ā āYouāre an exceptional person,Ā and Iāve so enjoyed our time together, butĀ Ā
having thought deeply, Iām not ready to continueā¦āĀ There should be this sort of stuff at school forĀ Ā
those of us who never got it at home - and remainĀ awkward about asking where the bathroom might be.
Weāll have made progress whenĀ we learn to love being kind toĀ Ā
ourselves more than we fear momentarilyĀ frustrating those we may not even like.
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