How to Figure Out What You Really Want | Ashley Stahl | TEDxLeidenUniversity

Summary

In a heart-wrenching narrative, a father receives a fake kidnapping call threatening his last daughter, leading to a tense ransom ordeal. The daughter, unaware and safe, later reflects on the incident, drawing parallels between her father's fear-driven response and her own life choices. She encourages self-auditing, following inner joy, and taking action to 'you-turn' away from fear and towards one's true desires, advocating for self-liberation from life's false imprisonments.

Takeaways

• 📞 A father receives a distressing call claiming his daughter has been kidnapped, leading to an emotional and tense situation.
• 💔 The family had recently suffered the loss of another daughter, making the threat feel even more personal and devastating.
• 🔒 The father, in fear for his only remaining daughter, complies with the kidnappers' demands without verifying the truth of the situation.
• 👥 The mother plays a crucial role by quietly alerting the police and coordinating with them, demonstrating the importance of calm action in a crisis.
• 🏦 The kidnappers instruct the father to go to the bank to wire money, a common tactic in such scams, while keeping them on the line to monitor his actions.
• 🚓 The police's involvement and their ability to quickly discern the situation as a scam saves the father from losing his life savings.
• 📱 The daughter, unaware of the situation, is contacted by the police and plays a key role in confirming the scam to her father.
• 😢 The emotional toll on the father is profound, highlighting the psychological impact of such a scam on victims and their families.
• 🤔 The daughter reflects on the incident, questioning why intelligent people can fall for such scams and the power of fear in decision-making.
• 🔑 The concept of 'self-kidnapping' is introduced, where individuals limit their own potential out of fear or a perceived need for survival.
• 🛤️ The speaker encourages a 'you-turn', a personal pivot towards self-truth, following one's joy, and taking action to live the life one truly desires.

Q & A

What was the initial event that triggered the series of events in the script?

The initial event was a phone call received by the father from an unknown number, where he heard a woman crying and screaming, followed by a man's voice claiming to have kidnapped his daughter.

How did the father respond to the kidnappers' demands?

The father, in a state of fear and desperation, complied with the kidnappers' demands, agreeing to pay a ransom and follow their instructions.

What action did the mother take after receiving the note from the father?

The mother quietly went outside, with trembling hands, and managed to call 911 for help.

What was the protagonist doing during the time of the alleged kidnapping?

The protagonist was conducting a podcast interview in her Beverly Hills office, unaware of the situation.

How did the protagonist find out about the situation involving her family?

She found out through a text message from the police after her podcast interview ended, which prompted her to call the officer.

What was the protagonist's professional background that influenced her perspective on the situation?

The protagonist had worked in counter-terrorism at the Pentagon, which gave her a heightened sense of the potential severity of the situation.

What was the turning point that revealed the kidnapping to be a scam?

The turning point was when Officer Johnson confirmed with the protagonist over the phone that she was safe and revealed the call to her father was a scam.

How did the protagonist's father react when he realized it was a scam?

The father was extremely emotional, breaking down and sobbing, showing a level of vulnerability he had not displayed even during other tragic events in his life.

What personal realization did the protagonist have after the incident?

The protagonist realized that she had been 'kidnapping' herself from the life she truly wanted by making choices out of fear and necessity, rather than following her true desires.

What advice does the protagonist offer to others to avoid 'kidnapping' themselves?

The protagonist advises others to conduct a self-audit, follow what feels good, and take action to make a 'you-turn' towards a life that aligns with their true desires.

What is the significance of the 'joy journal' mentioned in the script?

The 'joy journal' is a tool to help individuals identify moments of inspiration and joy, which can reveal patterns and insights about their true passions and skills.

Outlines

00:00

📞 Harrowing Phone Call and Kidnapping Hoax

The script begins with a dramatic scene set in Los Angeles where the narrator's father receives a distressing phone call from kidnappers claiming to have his daughter. The father, having recently lost another daughter, is emotionally vulnerable and quickly falls for the scam, agreeing to the kidnappers' demands. He instructs his wife to call the police while he is manipulated into going to the bank to pay a ransom. Meanwhile, the narrator is oblivious to the situation, conducting a podcast interview in Beverly Hills. Upon realizing the missed calls and a text message from the police, she contacts them and helps expose the kidnapping as a cruel scam.

05:01

😢 Emotional Aftermath and Reflection on Fear

Following the revelation of the kidnapping hoax, the father is overwhelmed with emotion, breaking down in a way the narrator has never seen before. The family's shared grief over the loss of the narrator's sister is revisited, highlighting the father's vulnerability. The narrator ponders how her intelligent father could be deceived so easily and reflects on the power of fear and the human tendency to give in to it when cornered. She empathizes with the kidnappers, considering their possible lack of options and the potential influence of their upbringing, drawing a parallel to how people often 'kidnap' themselves from their true desires out of fear.

10:02

🤔 The Self-Audit and the Journey to Self-Freedom

The narrator transitions from personal experience to a broader discussion on fear and its impact on life choices. She introduces the concept of a 'self audit' as a means of identifying areas where one feels trapped or unfulfilled. Drawing from her background in counter-terrorism and career coaching, she encourages individuals to confront their fears, recognize their innate desires, and make a 'you-turn' towards self-discovery. The narrator emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, honesty, and the courage to make changes in one's life direction.

15:03

🌟 Embracing Joy and Taking Action for Personal Liberation

In the final paragraph, the narrator focuses on actionable steps towards personal liberation. She suggests maintaining a 'joy journal' to identify activities that bring happiness and align with one's true self. The narrator also addresses the common enemy of perfectionism, which often paralyzes action through fear of failure. She encourages taking steps towards one's aspirations, being open to feedback, and being willing to make adjustments along the way. The script concludes with a powerful message of self-empowerment, urging everyone to seize the opportunity to make a 'you-turn' and live a life true to their own desires and passions.

Keywords

💡Kidnapping

Kidnapping refers to the unlawful act of taking someone away by force or deception, typically to hold them in false imprisonment. In the video's theme, it is a central plot device that instills fear and urgency, as the protagonist's father is threatened with the supposed kidnapping of his daughter. The script vividly describes the father's reaction and the high-stakes scenario that unfolds, illustrating the emotional turmoil kidnapping can cause.

💡Fear

Fear is an emotional response to perceived threats or danger. The video uses fear as a catalyst for the father's actions, compelling him to comply with the kidnappers' demands. It is also explored as a broader theme, discussing how fear can lead individuals to make decisions that may not align with their true desires or well-being, as seen in the protagonist's reflection on her own life choices.

💡Empowerment

Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life. The video contrasts the father's initial disempowerment with the protagonist's journey toward self-empowerment. The term is exemplified when the protagonist decides to take control of her life, making a 'you-turn' to pursue her true desires rather than being held captive by fear or societal expectations.

💡Compassion

Compassion is a feeling of empathy and concern for others, often leading to the desire to alleviate their suffering. The video script introduces an unexpected twist where the protagonist feels compassion for the kidnappers, pondering their motivations and lack of better options. This reflects a deeper message about understanding the human condition and the choices people make when they feel cornered by life.

💡Self-Audit

A self-audit in the context of the video refers to a personal introspection and evaluation of one's life, identifying areas of satisfaction and dissatisfaction. The protagonist uses this concept to encourage viewers to honestly assess their own lives, as a first step towards making positive changes and breaking free from self-imposed limitations.

💡Freedom

Freedom, in the video, symbolizes liberation from constraints, both physical and psychological. It is tied to the idea of following one's inner guidance and desires, rather than external pressures. The protagonist's advice to 'follow your freedom' is an encouragement to listen to one's gut feelings and pursue what genuinely brings joy and fulfillment.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the pursuit of flawlessness and setting extremely high standards for oneself, often leading to stress and inaction. The video identifies perfectionism as a barrier to taking action and making changes. It suggests that embracing imperfection and being willing to make mistakes is crucial for personal growth and achieving one's goals.

💡Action

Action, in the script, is the act of taking steps towards one's goals or desires. It is presented as a necessary component of change, with the protagonist emphasizing that without action, even the best intentions or plans remain unfulfilled. The video encourages viewers to move beyond thought and engage with the world to realize their dreams.

💡Joy Journal

A joy journal, as mentioned in the video, is a tool for recording moments of happiness and inspiration. It serves as a means to identify patterns and activities that bring genuine joy, helping individuals to understand what truly excites and motivates them. The protagonist recommends this practice as a way to reconnect with one's passions and aspirations.

💡You-Turn

A 'you-turn' in the video is a metaphor for making a significant change in one's life direction, particularly when moving away from a path dictated by fear or obligation and towards one guided by authenticity and joy. The protagonist describes it as a conscious decision to realign one's life with personal desires and values.

Highlights

A father receives a distressing call claiming his daughter has been kidnapped, leading to a tense situation.

The daughter, unaware of the situation, is conducting a podcast interview in Beverly Hills.

A traumatic family history is revealed, including the recent loss of the father's other daughter.

The father's fear and desperation are palpable as he attempts to comply with the kidnappers' demands.

The mother's quick thinking and silent communication with her husband to call the police.

The kidnappers' manipulative tactics, including threats and emotional blackmail.

The daughter's realization of the situation after seeing multiple missed calls and a text message from the police.

The daughter's background in counter-terrorism and her ability to remain composed under pressure.

The emotional reunion between the daughter and her father, highlighting the relief and lingering fear.

The daughter's introspection on fear and its impact on decision-making.

A profound moment of compassion for the kidnappers, pondering their motivations and lack of options.

The concept of self-kidnapping, where individuals limit their own potential out of fear.

Three key steps to making a 'you-turn' and reclaiming one's life: self-audit, following freedom, and engaging in action.

The importance of acknowledging and confronting one's fears and the role of self-awareness in personal growth.

The idea that pain can serve as a catalyst for change and personal development.

The speaker's personal journey from a career in counter-terrorism to becoming a career coach and author.

The encouragement to see one's career as an experiment and to use self-expression as a guide.

The practical advice of keeping a 'joy journal' to identify moments of inspiration and align with one's true desires.

The final message of empowerment, urging individuals to take control of their lives and make a 'you-turn'.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Marina Aalten Reviewer: Tanya Cushman

It was 2:45 PM

on a rainy Friday in Los Angeles.

My dad was just brewing a cup of coffee in the kitchen

when he answered a call from an unknown number.

He froze as he heard a woman violently crying and screaming

on the other side of the line.

Next, a strong masculine voice came on.

And he said to my dad,

"We have your daughter,

and if you don't listen to every single word that we say,

we're going to kill her."

My dad paused,

he lost his breath for a moment,

and he managed to ask,

"Can I talk to her?"

"Do you want us to break her arm?"

They taunted him.

Now, you have to understand I am one of two daughters.

And sadly,

just six months before this phone call came in,

we took my big sister off of life support.

I'll never forget the day that she died.

My dad looked at me with this grief, with this heartbreak,

bigger than the entire sky,

and he kept repeating to me, saying,

"Now I only have one daughter left."

So, as anyone would when they're in fear, he gave his power away,

and he desperately said to the kidnappers,

"This is my only daughter; I'll do whatever you want."

"Are you alone?" the kidnappers asked him.

And in that moment, he locked eyes with my mom across the kitchen,

pressed his fingers to his lips, silently begging her to remain quiet.

And he said to them, "Yep, I'm alone," as he scribbled on a napkin.

He wrote,

"Go outside, quiet, call 911. Ashley's been kidnapped"

My sweet mom, she hurried outside with her hands trembling,

and she managed to call 911.

Meanwhile,

my dad was being commanded by the kidnappers.

"Get in your car," they said to him.

"You're going to the bank,

you're keeping us on the phone,

and you're going to pay a ransom.

And if you don't cooperate,

we'll be sending you her body parts in the mail."

My mom let the police know to meet her at the bank,

and she tiptoed in the car so that they wouldn't hear her.

The conversation in the car to the bank was all over the place.

In one minute, they were asking my dad how his day was.

In the next minute, they were threatening to rape me.

They pulled up at the bank,

and my mom went to meet the police officer,

and meanwhile, my dad stiffly walked into the bank

with his phone on in his pocket as promised

so that the kidnapper could hear him wiring the funds.

Meanwhile, as all of this was unfolding,

I was actually sitting in my quaint, little Beverly Hills office,

conducting a podcast interview.

I remember throughout the conversation with my guest

kind of seeing my phone light up across my desk

and not thinking much of it.

No, it wasn't until my guest left that I saw a slew of missed calls.

And most importantly,

I saw one text message that I'll never forget.

It said, "This is the police.

I'm with your family. Please call."

Now, in my early 20s,

I worked in counter-terrorism at the Pentagon, in Washington, D.C.,

so believe me when I tell you that my imagination of what could go wrong

is so colorful.

But in that moment - I've never gotten a message like that,

thinking that maybe whatever was on the other side of that text message

was going to ruin my life.

So I sat there, and I mustered the courage to finally call.

He said, "This is Officer Johnson. Is this Ashley?" "Yes"

He said, "Please confirm your name."

I said, "This is Ashley Michelle Stahl. Is my family okay?"

Next thing I knew, I heard commotion.

He yelled across the bank to my dad,

"Mister Stahl, hang up the phone!

She's on the line; it's a scam!"

I heard a ton of commotion,

and then my dad grabbed the phone from the police officer.

And he came onto the phone with me

with a voice sounding more fragile than I've ever heard him before.

And all he said to me was "Is it you?"

I said, "Yeah, it's me."

And for the first time ever, I heard my dad break down and sob.

He didn't sob like that when I was a little girl.

I remember one of his businesses went under,

and our family went through an incredibly hard time,

and he didn't sob like that.

When I was in middle school, I came home one day,

and he told me he had stage III cancer.

And he didn't sob like that the day my big sister passed away.

Never.

He kept asking me if it was me,

as in I felt like I had to prove that it was,

so I said, "Yeah, Dad, it's me.

We dressed up as hotdogs together for Halloween.

You love cheesecake.

I just signed my book deal.

It's me, Dad."

And he met me with one question.

He said, "Can you please just come home?"

So I was on my way.

I remember walking in the front door of my parents' house,

my dad rushed over to me, and we hugged heart to heart,

and I felt his pain in a way that I've never felt on another person.

It was in that moment that I also realized

that parents aren't superhumans,

that they're just people - like you, like me -

doing the best that they can.

He walked me through the phone call from start to finish,

and I couldn't believe

that for two entire hours he was living one reality

while I was living a completely separate one.

But knowing that the truth always leaves clues,

I couldn't help but wonder,

how did my supersmart dad get so duped?

And did the crying woman even sound like me?

And how did he manage to give his power away so quickly

to a bunch of strangers?

So, eventually, I managed to ask him,

"Did you ever doubt that this was real?"

And he gave an answer that we all tend to give

when life corners us and we buy into fear.

He said to me,

"I didn't think that there was another option."

Thinking about that, he went on,

about how we get so scared,

and how somebody was screaming on the line,

and you don't have time to think about that.

And that totally made sense to me.

But throughout the rest of the night,

I sat there in so much sadness and some anger,

looking at how traumatized -

I'd never seen my 75-year old dad

so traumatized -

wondering how could somebody do this to another person?

And it was in that moment

that something completely unexpected washed over me.

And it was compassion.

Not just for my dad, but for the fake kidnappers.

I wondered,

why would somebody choose a career path of scaring people like that

and robbing them of their life savings?

The only answer I could come up with

was maybe they didn't think they had a better option,

or, you know, maybe this is what their parents taught them,

just like my parents taught me what was possible for me in my career,

or maybe they don't have the awareness that there's another way.

Put simply, maybe this was the best that they thought they could do

to get by, survive, and meet their needs in the world,

and pay their bills.

Often, we kidnap ourselves from the lives that we actually want

because we think a different path

is going to help us survive, get by, pay our bills,

or meet our needs in the world.

I pulled out my journal, and I wrote at the top of it,

"I'm my own kidnapper."

I listed all of the ways over the years

that I silenced the truth of what I actually want,

all of the times that I took myself captive

on soul-crushing journeys that I didn't even want to be on.

I thought about how so many of us choose majors in college or career paths

that we don't even want to be on,

because we think it will help us

survive, get by, or meet our needs in the world.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

I encourage you to ask yourself,

"Where am I kidnapping myself from the life that I really want?"

"How am I giving away my power, getting into fear,

just to meet my needs in the world?"

When we go into fear, we give away our power

and we disconnect from who we really are and what we really want.

But as a career coach, I've learned

that there are three key steps that you can take right now

to make what I love to call a "you-turn,"

which is the decision to get out of fear and come home to yourself.

So the first step is to do a self audit.

Really ask yourself,

"Where am I holding myself captive?"

This means being honest with yourself

about where you are, what's working for you, and what isn't.

If you think about it, we come into the world,

our natural state is with so much love, creativity -

think about kids; they have inspiration -

and yet over time we're taught to fear.

And fear is a necessary inner alarm system

that we all need to survive in the physical world.

Think about it.

We learn to look both ways before we cross the street.

We learn not to touch the stove when it's hot.

We learn not to talk to strangers.

But over time, we get hurt.

Life throws us curveballs.

We learn to stop taking risks and start being afraid.

We get afraid to put ourselves out there.

We start calling ourselves "practical" or "realistic"

for making choices that seem "responsible"

when really we're just so scared of criticism.

And if we're being really honest with ourselves,

people who call themselves realists are often just dreamers

who got their hearts broken somewhere along the way.

So how do you make a you-turn?

You do a self audit.

You come home to yourself.

And that's why one of my favorite questions to ask people is

"What do you know that you wish you didn't know?"

What do you know that you wish you didn't know?

Maybe some of you know that you're hiding from the truth.

Deep down, you know you're hiding from the truth.

Maybe you're hiding from the fact that you hate your job,

but you won't admit it because you're scared

and you don't know where to go next.

Or maybe you're hiding from the fact that you married the wrong person,

but you're scared to admit it because it's going to unravel your life

to get a divorce.

Or maybe you know that something is going on with your health,

but you're scared to go to the doctor

because you don't want to hear the diagnosis.

Whatever it is, tap into what's deeply true for you,

seeing things as they are -

not worse than they are, not better than they are,

but as they actually are.

In order to figure out what you really want,

you need to see the truth of where you are.

And maybe right now you feel pain bubbling up inside of you

as you look at what's true for you.

But know this:

pain is often a trampoline

that will launch us into our next stage of life

if we're willing to let it.

The second step is to follow your freedom.

Follow your freedom.

This means paying attention to what feels good to you

so that you can finally set yourself free.

So you're probably wondering right now,

"Okay, Ashley,

how do I feel what feels good?"

Very fair question.

We live in a world right now

of Internet trolls and tweets and text messages,

and the data is officially in:

we are so connected

that we're somehow, according to research,

more disconnected than ever.

In fact, in the United States alone, 71% of the workforce is on the job hunt.

And I believe, as a career expert,

that that is because people don't like where they are.

More than 70% of the United States is taking prescription drugs,

and more than half of marriages are ending in divorce.

We've heard it all before.

"Do what you love, and the money will follow."

Or my least favourite piece of advice,

"Follow your passion."

These short expressions are often a fast track to nowhere.

But when you learn to really follow what feels good to you,

your purpose is often either right in front of you

or on the periphery of that.

So maybe you're wondering,

"Well, how do I really connect to my body?

How do I feel what feels good?"

You're still being with this question.

And that totally makes sense to me.

Right now,

scientists are calling our gut "our second brain,"

and you've probably heard the research

that suggests that there's more than 200 million neurons in our gut,

which is equivalent to the size of a cat or dog's brain.

So what does that mean to you?

That means if in your nervous system

you're feeling some sort of anxiety or disconnect,

some nerves, something feels off,

to trust it because your body is a messenger

and it is constantly giving you feedback.

In my early 20s,

when I moved to Washington, D.C., to work in counter-terrorism,

I didn't know if that was going to be my ultimate career path.

But something about it felt good to me.

And guess what happened on the periphery?

I succeeded in my career.

I learned how to master the job hunt.

And I became a career expert.

And guess what happened on the periphery of that?

I became a published author, my biggest dream.

In a world of climbing the corporate ladder,

five-year plans, and unnecessary degrees,

we are all striving for something that is so unrealistic.

And it's perfection.

But who you are at age 25 isn't going to be who you are at age 30,

and it certainly isn't going to be who you are at age 40.

And that's why I invite you to see your career as an experiment

that really meets you where you are -

a vehicle for your own self-expression.

You can start with writing down all of your ideas

and checking in with your body, seeing how they feel to you.

Do you feel joy? Or do you feel fear?

Do you feel expansion? Or do you feel contraction?

Do you feel liberation? Or do you feel suffocation?

That's why one of my favourite tools to recommend people that they use

is called a "joy journal."

When you're feeling disconnected,

for 30 days, take the time to write down

every single moment - that moment that lit you up the most -

every single day.

And I don't care

if it's the woman you talk to in the bathroom line at the club

or the meeting you led at work.

Pay attention.

And at the end of the 30 days,

take note of if there's any patterns in your inspiration.

Really ask yourself,

"What skill set am I using when I'm the most inspired?"

Because when you're in your inspiration,

you're not being run or kidnapped by your fear.

And the third step is to engage.

So needless to say, your cute little joy journal

isn't going to get you that love interest that you've been pining over

or that dream job that you really want.

Action will.

But perfectionism is the enemy of action.

And often, I found that perfectionism is a mask that we all wear

when we're afraid of failure.

So ask yourself, "Am I a perfectionist?"

Because here's the truth of the matter.

Clarity comes from engagement; it does not come from thought.

Limbo is powerless.

So if you want to be powerful, look at your list,

pick something that feels good.

Show up, see what feedback the universe gives you,

make a commitment,

and know that you can course-correct

along the way.

You know, looking back and thinking about the fake kidnapping incident,

I think a lot about my dad

and all of the trauma that he experienced that day,

nearly wiring his entire life savings to some strangers on the phone.

I think about how the truth always really does leave clues.

How he thought to ask if it was me or if he could talk to me

because early on in the kidnapper conversation,

he wanted to talk to me for proof.

Some part of him knew.

I think about how he gave away his power in desperation and in fear,

as we all do.

And most of all,

I thought about my compassion for the kidnappers,

and all of the lessons that I really learned.

We all have the opportunity to free ourselves.

And it starts with really taking a look

at who you are.

Doing a self audit.

Following what feels good.

And taking action.

No matter where you are in your life right now,

you have the opportunity to make a you-turn.

That means connecting to the truth.

Connecting to your body.

Connecting to your joy.

Most of all, that means making your you-turn.

Thank you.

(Applause)