How to Love Your Complicated Family (W/ Ashley C. Ford) | How to Be a Better Human | TED

Summary

In this episode of 'How to be a Better Human,' host Chris Duffy sits down with memoirist and podcast host Ashley C. Ford to discuss the power of writing, memory, and self-reflection. Ford shares her personal journey of writing her best-selling memoir 'Somebody's Daughter,' which explores her complex relationship with her incarcerated father and the challenges of growing up amidst abuse and violence. Together, they dive into the role of memory in shaping identity, the interplay of humor and pain, and the importance of telling your truth in writing, while navigating the intricacies of love, forgiveness, and self-acceptance.

Takeaways

• 😀 Writing is a powerful tool for self-discovery and processing life experiences. Ashley C. Ford uses memoir writing to reflect on her past and uncover the truth about herself.
• 😀 Writing about personal experiences helps clarify complex emotions and bring memories into sharper focus, as seen in Ashley's vivid recollection of her childhood.
• 😀 The act of journaling, even if it seems mundane, can be a valuable exercise for figuring out what you think and processing emotions.
• 😀 Memoir writing is not just about the events themselves but about how those events are remembered and interpreted by the individual, with Ashley noting how memory can be both a blessing and a curse.
• 😀 Humor and laughter play a crucial role in coping with trauma and difficult situations. Ashley reflects on how laughter often coexists with fear and anger in her upbringing.
• 😀 Ashley’s poor eyesight, which caused her to memorize details, significantly shaped how she remembers and writes about her past.
• 😀 The concept of 'creating memories' is emphasized as a way to shape one's future identity, especially during childhood. Ashley recalls making memories intentionally to preserve her sense of self.
• 😀 As adults, we may no longer need to intentionally create memories but can trust our core values to guide us, though unexpected memories may still emerge.
• 😀 Love and forgiveness are complex and nuanced. Ashley explains that loving someone doesn’t require forgetting their wrongs, and her forgiveness is about allowing space for the relationship to evolve.
• 😀 For aspiring writers, Ashley advises that writing and publishing are not the same thing. Writing can be personal and private, and sharing or publishing comes later when you're ready.

Q & A

Why does Ashley C. Ford believe memory is both a blessing and a curse in memoir writing?

Ashley views memory as a powerful tool for capturing vivid details but also a complex one. Her terrible eyesight forced her to memorize details about her environment, which made her memories sharp in color, voice, and emotion. However, she also recognizes the challenge of relying on such memories to tell a truthful narrative, as they can be distorted by time and perspective.

How does Ashley's childhood experience with memory affect her approach to writing memoir?

Ashley’s childhood experience of having limited eyesight led her to focus intensely on memorizing her surroundings. This personal history shapes her writing by enabling her to recall vivid, detailed memories, often presented through a sensory lens. Her memoir writing becomes a way to explore how memory and perception intersect, allowing her to reflect on how the past has been shaped by the lens through which she viewed it.

What role does humor play in Ashley C. Ford's writing, despite her difficult life experiences?

Humor has always been a significant part of Ashley's identity, from being the class clown to using comedy as a tool to form relationships. Despite the tough experiences she writes about, such as her father’s incarceration and her childhood trauma, humor allows her to cope with complexity and make deeper connections with others. She describes the blend of humor and hardship as a reflection of the messy, multifaceted nature of life.

What advice does Ashley C. Ford give to people interested in writing about their own lives?

Ashley advises that writing and publishing are distinct processes. Writing should be seen as a personal journey where you can express your truth without the pressure of sharing it with others immediately. She also emphasizes that silence is not an acceptable exchange for love; people should not be silenced to protect others’ feelings, especially when it comes to recounting personal hurt.

How does Ashley view the relationship between honesty, creativity, and perseverance in her writing?

Ashley sees these three elements as interconnected and essential for her creative process. Honesty fuels creativity by allowing her to express her truth fully, and creativity, in turn, empowers her to be more honest in her storytelling. Perseverance comes from the honesty and creativity that drive her to keep writing, even when it feels difficult, helping her overcome stagnation and move forward.

What is the significance of the 'complicated laugh' that Ashley C. Ford describes?

The 'complicated laugh' Ashley refers to represents moments of absurdity or discomfort where humor and fear coexist. In her experience, particularly in her childhood, laughter was both a coping mechanism for trauma and a way to deal with the complexity of emotions. She suggests that in black households, absurd humor often provides relief in otherwise tense situations, and the laugh becomes a way to manage conflicting emotions.

Why does Ashley say that writing is a means of 'making memory' as a child?

Ashley explains that, as a child, she intentionally created memories by focusing on moments that would help shape who she wanted to be as an adult. By making a conscious effort to remember certain events, she believed it would protect her from becoming someone she didn’t want to be, offering her a sense of agency over her future self.

What does Ashley mean when she says her memoir is 'my story, and it’s worthy of being told'?

Ashley asserts that her life story, including the painful and challenging moments, is valid and worthy of expression, regardless of how others may react. She emphasizes that her voice as a child, and her ability to speak her truth, is a form of self-respect. Her memoir allows her to reclaim ownership of her narrative, offering her the freedom to share her experience without concern for how others may interpret it.

How does Ashley differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation in her personal life?

Ashley explains that forgiveness, in her view, doesn’t mean excusing or forgetting someone’s actions, but rather allowing space for that person to be part of her life moving forward. She acknowledges that she doesn't need to forgive her father for his past actions to continue loving him, but instead, the focus is on accepting the relationship as it evolves. Reconciliation, for Ashley, is about being open to change and healing without demanding absolution for past mistakes.

What does Ashley mean by 'silence is not an equitable trade for love'?

Ashley argues that when people ask you to remain silent about your pain or experiences, they are essentially asking you to diminish your own truth to protect their feelings. In her view, real love involves understanding, empathy, and allowing others the space to speak their truth without fear of judgment or silence.