How to stop feeling anxious about anxiety | Tim Box | TEDxFolkestone
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful talk, Tim Box candidly shares his journey with anxiety, moving from suffering to understanding it as a natural emotion rather than an illness. He emphasizes the importance of listening to one's inner 'crew', or subconscious, and treating anxiety with kindness and acceptance. By reframing anxiety as a helpful signal rather than an enemy, Box encourages embracing this emotion as part of the human experience, ultimately leading to a healthier relationship with our own minds.
Takeaways
- 😔 Tim Box admits to feeling anxious, particularly about his ability to communicate effectively and being understood by his audience.
- 🔄 Tim used to suffer from severe anxiety but has since learned to experience anxiety without suffering from it, by changing his perspective and approach.
- 🙅♂️ He emphasizes that trying to get rid of anxiety is a mistake and that it's not something that can or should be eliminated.
- 🌐 Tim's work involves helping others understand and overcome anxiety, often by addressing the common desire to eliminate it completely.
- 🏥 He critiques the medical approach to treating anxiety, pointing out the limitations of time, knowledge, and resources doctors have in dealing with anxiety.
- 💊 Tim is not a fan of medicating anxiety due to potential side effects and the risk of dependency, suggesting that a medical solution is not the answer to a non-medical problem.
- 💭 He argues that anxiety is an emotion, not an illness, and that it serves a purpose in alerting us to things that require our attention.
- 🚢 Tim uses the analogy of a ship with a captain and crew to explain how our minds work, with the crew representing our subconscious and emotions.
- 🗣️ Listening to and understanding the messages from our 'crew' is crucial for managing anxiety and turning it from an enemy into a friend.
- 🤗 Being kind to oneself and one's 'crew' is essential for building self-esteem and reducing anxiety, as self-criticism can demoralize and exacerbate anxiety.
- 🌟 Tim concludes by encouraging the acceptance of anxiety as a natural part of life and suggests that recognizing its value can lead to less suffering from it.
Q & A
What is Tim Box's initial feeling at the beginning of his talk?
-Tim Box feels anxious, particularly about remembering what he came to say, whether the audience will agree with him, and the possibility of tripping up on the way out.
How does Tim Box describe his past experience with anxiety?
-In the past, Tim Box experienced such intense anxiety that it made it difficult for him to even walk into a room with many people, let alone stand at the front and give a talk.
What is the main change Tim Box has experienced regarding his anxiety?
-The main change Tim Box has experienced is that while he still experiences anxiety, he no longer suffers with it, indicating a shift in his relationship with the emotion.
What was Tim Box's initial approach to dealing with anxiety?
-Initially, Tim Box tried to avoid anxiety-inducing situations, ran away when he felt anxiety starting, and used distraction techniques to take his mind off the uncomfortable feeling.
How does Tim Box view the common desire to get rid of anxiety completely?
-Tim Box suggests that the desire to completely get rid of anxiety is misguided, as anxiety serves an important purpose and is a natural part of the human experience.
What are the two groups of people who don't feel anxiety according to Tim Box?
-According to Tim Box, the two groups of people who don't feel anxiety are dead people and psychopaths, who lack concern for the consequences of their actions.
Why does Tim Box believe that anxiety is not an illness?
-Tim Box believes that anxiety is not an illness because it is a natural emotion with a purpose, and every emotion is a vital part of our human experience.
What is the analogy Tim Box uses to explain our emotional responses?
-Tim Box uses the analogy of a ship with a captain and crew to explain emotional responses. The captain represents the logical, rational part of our thinking, while the crew represents the subconscious, which is in charge of automatic responses, including emotions.
What is the main principle that Tim Box suggests the subconscious operates on?
-The main principle that the subconscious operates on, according to Tim Box, is trying to find the best strategy for the most happiness, which includes safety as a component of happiness.
What are the three main things Tim Box did to change his relationship with anxiety?
-The three main things Tim Box did were: 1) Refusing to believe he was ill and recognizing that anxiety is triggered by situations or thoughts; 2) Listening to his subconscious 'crew' and understanding what it was trying to achieve with the feelings of anxiety; 3) Being kind to himself and building up his self-esteem.
How does Tim Box feel about medication as a solution for anxiety?
-Tim Box is not a fan of medicating anxiety due to the unpredictable and unpleasant side-effects and the potential for dependency, which can itself become another source of anxiety.
What is Tim Box's view on the role of doctors in treating anxiety?
-Tim Box acknowledges the limitations of doctors in treating anxiety, including time constraints, lack of specialized knowledge, and limited resources, but also expresses sympathy for the challenges they face in addressing anxiety issues.
What does Tim Box suggest is the first step towards changing one's experience with anxiety?
-The first step towards changing one's experience with anxiety, according to Tim Box, is to accept it as a natural part of the human experience and treat it not as an enemy but as a trusted friend.
Outlines
😨 Overcoming Anxiety: A Personal Journey
Tim Box introduces himself and candidly discusses his personal struggle with anxiety. He admits to feeling anxious about public speaking and sharing his message, but also reflects on how his perspective on anxiety has evolved. Tim used to avoid anxiety-inducing situations and tried to suppress his feelings, but he now understands that anxiety is not something to be eliminated. Instead of suffering from anxiety, he has learned to coexist with it. He shares his current profession, working with others to overcome anxiety, and challenges the audience to reconsider their views on anxiety, suggesting that a world without it would be devoid of motivation and care.
🤔 Rethinking Anxiety: The Doctor's Dilemma
The speaker delves into the complexities of treating anxiety within the medical field, expressing empathy for doctors who are not mental health specialists. He outlines the limitations doctors face, including time constraints, lack of specialized knowledge, and limited resources for treatment. Tim criticizes the reliance on medication to treat anxiety, highlighting the potential side effects and the risk of dependency. He argues that a medical solution is not the answer to a problem that is fundamentally emotional and psychological in nature. He also discusses the societal misconception that anxiety is an illness, which can exacerbate the condition and lead to unnecessary labeling and stigmatization.
🚢 The Mind as a Ship: Navigating Anxiety
Tim Box presents an analogy of the mind as a ship, with the conscious part as the captain and the subconscious as the crew. He explains that emotions, including anxiety, are triggered by the subconscious to guide behavior towards what it perceives as beneficial for the individual's happiness and safety. He emphasizes that anxiety is a signal that something is important and requires attention. Tim suggests that understanding and listening to the subconscious messages can help in managing anxiety. He also discusses the common misconception of viewing anxiety as an enemy, and instead encourages a more compassionate approach towards one's own emotions and subconscious mind.
🤝 Cultivating Kindness: Transforming Anxiety
In the final paragraph, Tim shares his three-step approach to managing anxiety. First, he refused to view himself as ill and recognized that anxiety is a natural response to certain triggers. Second, he began to listen to his subconscious, understanding its intentions behind the feelings of anxiety. Lastly, he emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and positivity in building self-esteem and reducing anxiety. Tim concludes by encouraging the audience to accept anxiety as a normal part of life and to treat it as a friend rather than an enemy, which can lead to a significant reduction in anxiety levels.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Anxiety
💡Suffering
💡Emotions
💡Subconscious
💡Self-esteem
💡Anxiety Disorders
💡Coping Strategies
💡Empowerment
💡Dependency
💡Self-talk
💡Acceptance
Highlights
Tim Box discusses his personal experience with anxiety and how it has changed over time.
Anxiety is not an illness but a natural emotion with a purpose.
The importance of understanding that anxiety can be a signal for something worth paying attention to.
The analogy of the mind as a ship, with the conscious part as the captain and the subconscious as the crew.
Anxiety as the emotion that indicates when something is too important to lose focus on.
The common desire among anxiety sufferers to eliminate anxiety completely.
The ineffectiveness of trying to get rid of anxiety through avoidance and distraction.
The challenges doctors face in treating anxiety due to time constraints, knowledge limitations, and lack of resources.
The potential downsides of medicating anxiety, including dependency and side effects.
The idea that anxiety is not a mental illness but an emotion that can be managed and understood.
The importance of listening to and understanding the subconscious mind's messages through anxiety.
The role of self-compassion and positivity in managing anxiety and building self-esteem.
The transformation of anxiety from an enemy to a trusted friend through acceptance and understanding.
The impact of societal views on anxiety and the need to challenge the notion that it's either an illness or 'all in your head'.
Tim Box's personal strategy for dealing with anxiety, including not seeing it as an illness, listening to his subconscious, and being kind to himself.
Transcripts
[Music]
hello my name is Tim box and I feel
anxious I feel anxious about whether or
not I'm gonna remember what I came here
to say I feel anxious about whether or
not you guys are going to agree with
what I came here to say and if I'm
completely honest up until about 30
seconds ago I felt a little bit anxious
about the possibility of tripping up
this rug on the way out but I think
feeling anxious about these things while
seemingly unhelpful is perhaps
understandable
after all it's important to me that I
say exactly what I came here to say that
my message gets heard and I achieved
this without falling flat on my face
yeah right now anxiety makes sense but
there was a time in my life when I
anxiety really didn't make sense I used
to feel the kind of anxiety that meant I
would struggle to even walk into a room
with this many people in it let alone
stand at the front and give a talk now
obviously something has changed since
then otherwise I wouldn't be standing
here now and I think the main thing
that's changed is that whilst I still
experience anxiety I no longer suffer
with it but I didn't achieve this shift
by trying to get rid of it now don't get
me wrong back in the day that's exactly
what I was trying to do I would do all I
could to avoid any anxiety inducing
situation I would arrange my daily
movements specifically avoiding social
situations if I felt anxiety starting to
flare up I'd run away I do all I could
to retreat to safety and then employ
various distraction techniques to take
my mind away from the horribly
uncomfortable feeling that something bad
was about to happen it turns out that
was my big mistake you see you don't get
rid of anxiety by trying to get rid of
it truth is you don't get rid of anxiety
at all now by some twist of fate or
perhaps as a direct result of what I
went through back then
I now work with anxiety sufferers to
help them understand and ultimately
overcome those feelings I spent a large
part of the last ten years talking to
anxiety sufferers about their anxiety
and whilst all those I spoke to had
their own individual story their own
personal journey with anxiety every
single one of them at some point
expressed exactly the same desire that I
used to have the desire to get rid of
anxiety completely can you imagine if we
all achieved that a world without
anxiety what would they even look like
well for example this room would
probably look empty anxiety is the
feeling that tells us when something is
worth demanding our attention so in some
small way it was anxiety that reminded
you you had somewhere to be today
without it none of us would have turned
up and those that accidentally did will
be watching an empty stage none of us
would have businesses careers because we
wouldn't have regarded studying gaining
qualifications as worth bothering with
and none of us would have boyfriends
girlfriends husbands or wives either
here or at home because we just wouldn't
have seen the value of washing and
dressing up to make a good impression on
that all-important first date that we
probably forgot to turn up to so it
seems anxiety is important but of course
there are those that don't feel anxiety
there are two very distinct groups the
first group dead people
dead people don't feel anxious you know
and I think that's okay
they're dead they've got enough to not
worry about the second group would be
those we might refer to as Psychopaths
those people that for whatever reason
lack the ability to have any concern for
the consequences of theirs or anyone
else's actions now I don't know how you
were brought up but when I was a kid I
was given the distinct impression that
being part of either of these two groups
would be undesirable so if being free of
anxiety would be such a bad idea why do
we regard feeling anxious so negatively
now I think the very obvious answer that
question is that it feels horrible when
we suffer high levels of anxiety over a
long period of time it can very quickly
start to dominate our life even go on to
define our existence of course we're
gonna try and get rid of it but what if
we can't what if all of our attempts to
control our anxiety response ultimately
fail and where do we go I think most
people go along to their local doctor
and I should say at this point I'm a big
fan of doctors they've saved my life on
more than one occasion and I feel a
tremendous amount of sympathy for them
when it comes to treating anxiety issues
because it's really not what they signed
up for and it's certainly not what
they're trained for when it comes to
anxiety doctors are restricted in three
important ways firstly time you get
somewhere between 8 and 11 minutes for
an appointment with your local GP which
is nowhere near enough time to
effectively diagnose and treat an
anxiety issue secondly knowledge doctors
are taught that anxiety is a mental
health condition and yet they're not
mental health specialists if a doctor
wishes to become one of those they have
to train for a further five or six more
years to become a psychiatrist and
thirdly resources doctors are given
precious little support when it comes to
actually treating anxiety I can put you
on a 12 to 16 week waiting list for some
form of counselling but by the time we
got to the doctor we're probably in such
desperate need of assistance that being
told we now have to wait three or four
months to talk to some
is not helpful that leaves the only
other option medication I'm not a fan of
medicating anxiety now whilst I'm well
aware that taking drugs can change the
way we feel back in the 90s I witnessed
many of my friends on a Saturday night
discovering that very simple truth but
with medication comes all sorts of
unpredictable and unpleasant
side-effects and in the unlikely event
we do find the drug that agrees with you
that calms your anxiety response without
any side effects then of course it's all
too easy to now regard ourselves as
dependent on that drug and then the
possibility of developing a dependency
on our anti-anxiety medication just
becomes something else to feel anxious
about the truth is a medical solution to
a non-medical problem will not solve
that problem it will at best just patch
over it for a short while now the irony
here is that most of the people I've
spoken to they already know all of this
they know the doctor is not a great
option for our anxiety which then begs
the very obvious question so why do we
go there I believe we go there because
these days we are told anxiety is an
illness and this is perhaps the one
certain result of going to the doctor
for your anxiety you will come away from
there labelled with an anxiety issue
maybe even diagnosed with an anxiety
disorder and now you have a brand new
thing to feel anxious about during the
thousands of conversations I've had with
anxiety sufferers there was a common
thread when asked what they felt most
anxious about the answer was generally
how anxious they felt and if it would
ever stop this concern is almost
entirely created and fueled by the idea
that anxiety is an illness anxiety is
not an illness anxiety is an emotion
every emotion is important every emotion
has a purpose
every emotion is a natural and vital
part of our human experience in that
respect anxiety is no more sinister than
any other feeling we might have if we
didn't feel anxiety would be one emotion
short of the full set that really would
be a disorder I want to share with you
now an analogy that might go some way
towards helping us understand our
emotional responses I want you to think
of your mind like a ship every ship has
a captain and a crew in this analogy the
captain is your logical rational
conscious part of your thinking it's the
part that knows where you want to go why
you want to go there and has a fair idea
of how you think you gonna get there
unfortunately the part of our mind that
has its hands and all the things that
steer and sail our ship that's the crew
that's your subconscious your
subconscious is in charge of all of your
automatic responses so your patterns of
thought and behavior your belief systems
and perhaps most importantly your
emotions your crew sail your ship by
triggering the appropriate emotional
responses so for example if we regard
something is dangerous
our crew might trigger the feeling of
fear we've become uncomfortable and this
feeling will encourage us to move away
from the danger to return to comfort if
we believe we've been wronged a member
of our crew might trigger anger will
energize and our focus will be drawn
towards taking whatever action is
necessary to right the wrong so what
about anxiety why do our crew trigger
that particular emotion now no doubt
every single one of us will have our own
idea about what anxiety means to us but
put simply anxiety is the emotion that
tells us when something is too important
to simply lose focus of it's the voice
of concern about an upcoming event or
situation that refuses to be ignored
it's the crew saying to the captain you
need to pay attention to this now here's
the important part your crew are
operating on one very simple principle
they're trying to find the best strategy
for the most happiness
yes safety is important after all safety
is a huge component part of happiness we
can't feel happy if we don't feel safe
but ultimately at all times your crew
are trying to steer you in the direction
of happiness as the American author Jon
shed once wrote a ship in Harbor is safe
but that is not what ships are built for
so even when your crew are making you
feel awful telling you things about
yourself you really don't want to hear
those seemingly self-destructive
thoughts I'm not good enough I'll never
succeed unlovable even these harsh words
are simply designed to steer you away
from any situation that might lead to an
unhappy experience they're not trying to
sink the ship
they just tryna sail it away from the
stormy seas that we fear we might not be
able to cope with but every decision
your crew makes is based upon the things
you've learned throughout your life and
because many of these things will learn
when you were very young some of them no
longer apply some of them were just
wrong in the first place
what this means is that as far as
anxiety is concerned your crew will very
often make mistakes but just because
they get things wrong doesn't make them
the enemy and yet this is a sentiment I
hear all the time
anxiety is the enemy people want to
throw those crewmembers overboard and I
can understand that after all if we
regard a part of our mind as now
actively trying to destroy us then of
course it would be easy to view it as
the enemy if we then believe our mind
has actually turned against us it'll be
easy to conclude our mind is broken it
would be easy to believe that person
that told us the way you feel means you
are ill I started this talk by telling
you I used to suffer debilitating levels
of social anxiety so how did I get
control of that what did I actually do
to reduce it there are three main things
I did that I think helped me change the
first thing I did I refused to believe I
was ill of all the things I felt anxious
about
I decided not to feel anxious about
feeling anxious I recognize that every
time I felt anxiety it wasn't random
it was always triggered by a situation
or a thought process once I understood
this I could do the second thing that's
to listen to my crew I spent too long
pushing them away trying to ignore what
they were telling me when you ignore
someone with an important message
they might just start to speak louder to
get heard if you continue to ignore them
they might start to shout the only way I
was going to stop anxiety from shouting
at me to listen to it
to hear what it was saying to me I
sought to understand what my crew were
trying to achieve with these feelings
and to turn my enemies into my friends
and the funny thing is when you start
listening listening to what your minds
trying to tell you you can stop shouting
when the crew stop shouting
the captain can be heard that's the
point where you're more logical thinking
gets to have some info you get to decide
is this feeling appropriate or
inappropriate is it helpful or unhelpful
once you have the ear of your crew and
you know what you would want from them
the third thing maybe the most important
thing is to always always be kind to
them if you're anything like me you
spent a large part of your life beating
yourself up over the things you did
wrong or the things you didn't quite do
right or just about the way you feel for
all the criticism and negativity you've
received from others throughout your
life the person has given you the most
it's probably you this has the
cumulative effect of destroying morale
aboard your ship a demoralized crew
equals low self-esteem and low
self-esteem means nail the slightest
challenge will create anxiety but the
good news is you can repair the damage
that's been done very easily simply by
deciding from now on to always talk to
your crew to yourself with kindness and
positivity
people do their best work when they feel
empowered to achieve your crew are no
different put simply if you beat
yourself up you just end up beating if
you build yourself up who knows how far
we can reach this is why I think it's
okay maybe even important to feel
anxiety every single day of our lives
it means the crew are still sailing the
ship and still trying to get it in the
right direction it's a part of you that
makes you reread the important email
before you send it it's the part that
makes sure you check your keys or in
your pocket before you send the front
door on your way out in the morning and
it's the part that makes your heart skip
a little bit when you think about giving
that important presentation at work or
in a theater truth is I still feel
anxious all the time for example every
Friday morning I wake feeling anxious
because Friday is dustbin day
my crew wake me with the thought I need
to go and take the bins out now it's not
debilitating anxiety it's barely a
whisper it's just loud enough to get
heard and then when I've taken the bins
out it's gone
and this might seem like a really
trivial example but this is exactly the
sort of thing that will trouble us if we
believe the way we feel is not normal
I wonder if back in the day when I'd
suffered high levels of anxiety if I've
been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder
would I now dread Friday mornings would
I feel anxious about the prospect of my
anxiety flaring up again would I curse
myself for still not being free of
anxiety there tend to be too popular
positions on high anxiety the first
states it's a mental illness it's the
way you're wired there's little we can
do about it the second states is not
real it's all in your head you just need
to get over it
neither of these positions are helpful
and both are wrong the last 10 years
have taught me the truth lies somewhere
in the middle of course it's real
we don't ask to feel this way and yet we
do even though we feel this way now
doesn't mean we can't change it the
first step towards changing is to accept
it once we accept anxiety as a natural
part of our human experience and treat
it not as our enemy but as a trusted
friend you'll be surprised how quickly
the crew just get back to sailing the
ship and we start to feel a lot less
anxious about anxiety so how do you feel
today do you feel anxious about
something good I mean you're alive
it means as a part of you trying to tell
you something that regards is important
have a listen it's here to help my name
is Tim box and now 18 minutes later I
feel a lot less anxious thank you very
much
[Applause]
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