Therapist Explains Why You Don't Feel Anything Anymore... (Alexithymia 101)

Summary

The video script delves into alexithymia, a personality trait characterized by an inability to identify and describe one's own emotions. It discusses how this emotional 'color blindness' can lead to issues in motivation, finding purpose, addiction, and relationship problems. The script highlights the importance of emotional awareness and suggests that while alexithymia is often associated with men, it is increasingly affecting women due to societal changes and technology's impact on emotional circuitry. It concludes with the hopeful message that emotional awareness can be improved, offering a potential solution to the problems caused by alexithymia.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Alexithymia is a personality trait characterized by difficulty in recognizing, understanding, and describing one's own emotions, often leading to problems in motivation, addiction, and relationships.
• 👶 The development of emotional awareness begins early in life and is influenced by how caregivers respond to a child's emotional expressions, which can predispose individuals to alexithymia if not properly addressed.
• 🌟 Lack of emotional awareness, such as in alexithymia, can lead to a lack of direction and purpose in life, as well as an inability to find intrinsic motivation.
• 🔄 Alexithymia has been associated with exacerbating psychological problems like addiction, where individuals may not recognize the emotional stressors leading to relapse.
• 💔 Difficulty in relationships is common among alexithymic individuals due to challenges in expressing emotions and understanding the emotional needs of others, leading to miscommunication and conflict.
• 🚹 There is a concept called 'normative male alexithymia,' suggesting that societal norms may influence men to suppress certain emotions, particularly those perceived as signs of weakness.
• 📉 Technology use, particularly social media and video games, has been linked to increased alexithymia by suppressing emotional circuitry in the brain, affecting emotional development and awareness.
• 🧘‍♂️ There is evidence that alexithymia can be improved through practices that enhance emotional awareness, such as meditation, which can lead to better mental health outcomes.
• 🤝 Communication in relationships is a critical area where alexithymia can cause issues, as individuals may struggle to articulate their feelings and needs, leading to misunderstandings and resentment.
• 💡 The script emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing alexithymia to improve various aspects of life, including personal motivation, overcoming addiction, and fostering healthier relationships.

Q & A

What is alexithymia and how does it relate to a child's early emotional learning?

Alexithymia is the inability to experience and identify one's internal emotional state, often described as emotional color blindness. In children, it can manifest when they are unable to interpret their feelings correctly, such as not knowing whether to laugh or cry after falling down, depending on the adults' reactions around them.

How is alexithymia associated with problems in motivation and finding purpose in life?

Alexithymia has been linked to motivational problems because individuals with this condition often lack awareness of their internal emotional state, which is crucial for finding direction and purpose in life. They may feel a lack of meaning or struggle to understand why they are on Earth, unlike others who seem motivated and driven.

In what ways can alexithymia contribute to addiction and relapse?

Alexithymia can exacerbate addiction issues because those with this condition may not be aware of the emotional stressors that lead to substance use. They might not recognize the gradual build-up of negative emotions and, without this awareness, they are more likely to relapse when these emotions become overwhelming.

How does alexithymia manifest in relationship problems?

Alexithymia can lead to relationship issues due to the difficulty in understanding and communicating one's emotions. This can result in mixed signals, resentment, and confusion, as individuals may not be able to express their feelings effectively or understand the emotional needs of their partners.

What is the 'Right in the Fields' event and how does it aim to help participants?

The 'Right in the Fields' event is a challenge designed to help participants build emotional awareness over six weeks. It focuses on identifying simple and complex emotions, recognizing intensity, participating in emotional regulation, and reflecting on emotions, with a particular focus on six emotions: shame, fear, boredom, anger, sadness, and happiness.

What are the four main features of alexithymia?

The four main features of alexithymia are: 1) difficulty identifying feelings, 2) difficulty describing feelings to others, 3) an externally oriented thinking style that is stimulus-bound, meaning motivation relies on external factors, and 4) a constricted imagination, which can result in less emotive dreams and difficulty envisioning the future.

How does 'normative male alexithymia' affect the emotional expression and understanding of men?

Normative male alexithymia refers to the cultural expectation that men should express limited emotions, primarily anger or frustration. This can lead to men being less in touch with their full range of emotions and more prone to alexithymia, which in turn affects their emotional understanding and expression.

What is the impact of technology use on emotional development and alexithymia?

Increased technology use, including social media and video games, has been shown to suppress emotional circuitry in the brain. This suppression can hinder emotional development, particularly during critical periods, and contribute to the development of alexithymia by reducing emotional awareness and understanding.

How does alexithymia relate to purpose and motivation in one's life?

Alexithymia can hinder an individual's ability to find purpose and motivation because it involves a lack of connection with one's internal emotional state, which is essential for inspiration and drive. Without the ability to tap into these emotions, individuals may struggle to find meaning and direction in their lives.

What are some strategies to overcome alexithymia and its associated problems?

Overcoming alexithymia involves increasing emotional awareness and literacy. Strategies can include therapy, meditation, journaling, and other practices that help individuals identify, understand, and express their emotions. Developing healthy coping mechanisms and learning to communicate emotions effectively are also key components.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 Understanding Emotions and Alexithymia

The speaker discusses how attachment in early childhood shapes our understanding of emotions. They introduce alexithymia as a condition characterized by an inability to recognize and describe one's own emotions, likening it to emotional color blindness. Alexithymia is associated with a lack of motivation, difficulty finding purpose in life, and exacerbates psychological issues such as addiction. The talk aims to explore alexithymia and its manifestations in our lives, including its impact on relationships and emotional well-being.

05:02

🌱 Emotional Awareness and Personal Growth

This paragraph delves into the concept of emotional availability and the challenges of becoming more emotionally aware. The speaker references a Psychology Today article about men struggling with dating and the need for emotional availability. They introduce a program called 'Right in the Fields,' which aims to improve emotional awareness and regulation over six weeks. The program focuses on identifying and understanding various emotions, including happiness, which is revealed as the most common emotion felt within the community. The speaker suggests that engaging in activities that enhance emotional awareness can lead to increased happiness.

10:03

🧐 The Science Behind Alexithymia

The speaker provides a detailed explanation of alexithymia, discussing its association with motivational problems, addictions, and mental health issues. They explain the components of alexithymia, including difficulty identifying and describing feelings, an externally oriented thinking style, and a constricted imagination. The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding these components to address the problems associated with alexithymia and improve emotional intelligence.

15:04

🚹 Normative Male Alexithymia and Cultural Influences

This section explores the concept of normative male alexithymia, suggesting that societal norms and cultural upbringing play a significant role in the development of alexithymia, particularly in men. The speaker discusses how men are often raised to express limited emotions, such as anger, and how this can lead to alexithymia. They also touch on the changing dynamics, with women increasingly showing alexithymic traits, possibly due to the rise of technology and its impact on emotional development.

20:06

🔍 The Impact of Alexithymia on Purpose and Motivation

The speaker examines how alexithymia can hinder an individual's ability to find purpose and motivation in life. They discuss the internal voice and how it can be suppressed by controlling parents or negative childhood experiences, leading to alexithymia. The speaker also explains the relationship between emotions and motivation, suggesting that emotional awareness is crucial for driving motivation and finding one's purpose.

25:08

💔 Alexithymia and Its Link to Addiction

In this paragraph, the speaker discusses the connection between alexithymia and addiction, highlighting that individuals with alexithymia are more prone to relapse due to their inability to recognize and manage their emotions. They mention the importance of emotional awareness in developing healthy coping mechanisms and the role of emotional suppression in the development of addiction.

30:09

🗣️ Communication Challenges in Relationships

The speaker addresses the communication difficulties that arise from alexithymia, particularly in relationships. They describe how individuals with alexithymia may come across as cold and distant, struggle with assertive communication, and may exhibit beta mindset behaviors. The speaker also touches on the reluctance of men to engage in couples therapy due to their perceived inability to express emotions effectively.

35:11

🔄 The Cycle of Insecurity and Control in Relationships

This section delves into the specific dynamics of relationships affected by alexithymia, illustrating how a lack of emotional awareness can lead to insecurity, paranoia, and controlling behavior. The speaker uses an example of a man who feels threatened by his partner's male colleagues and explains how his inability to express his true feelings of insecurity and fear can lead to conflict and the breakdown of the relationship.

40:12

🌐 The Broader Implications of Alexithymia

The speaker discusses the broader implications of alexithymia, noting its correlations with various mental health diagnoses and addictive behaviors. They emphasize the importance of emotional awareness in addressing issues related to purpose, motivation, and relationships. The speaker concludes by highlighting the potential for change, suggesting that while alexithymia may have been considered a personality trait, it can be managed and improved through increased emotional awareness.

Keywords

💡Alexithymia

Alexithymia is a personality construct characterized by the inability to identify and describe one's own emotions. In the video, it is highlighted as a significant obstacle to understanding one's internal state, which can lead to issues in motivation, addiction, and relationships. The script mentions that alexithymia is often associated with men due to societal norms that limit emotional expression, but it also points out that it is becoming more prevalent among women due to increasing technology use and changing cultural dynamics.

💡Emotional Awareness

Emotional awareness refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions. The video emphasizes its importance as a countermeasure to alexithymia, showing that increased emotional awareness can lead to better mental health outcomes, such as reduced relapses in addiction and improved relationship dynamics. The script provides examples of how a lack of emotional awareness can result in misunderstandings and conflicts in personal relationships.

💡Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological framework that describes the dynamics of long-term interpersonal relationships. In the context of the video, it is mentioned as the process through which children learn to understand their emotions by observing the reactions of caregivers. The script illustrates how early childhood experiences with attachment can significantly impact the development of emotional awareness and contribute to alexithymia.

💡Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to modify and control one's emotions to achieve a desired emotional state. The video discusses a six-week program aimed at building emotional awareness and regulation, which includes recognizing different types of emotions and their intensities. The script suggests that improving emotional regulation can enhance emotional intelligence (EQ) and overall well-being.

💡Internal Motivation

Internal motivation refers to the drive to perform actions that come from within an individual, rather than being prompted by external factors. The video script explains that individuals with alexithymia often lack internal motivation due to their inability to connect with their internal emotional states. This can result in a lack of direction and purpose in life, as well as a tendency to rely on external stimuli to initiate action.

💡Externally Oriented Thinking

Externally oriented thinking is a cognitive style where individuals are influenced primarily by external stimuli rather than internal thoughts or feelings. The script describes this as a characteristic of alexithymia, where individuals may struggle to find purpose or motivation without external pressures or deadlines, leading to potential issues in various life domains.

💡Constricted Imagination

Constricted imagination, as discussed in the video, refers to the limited ability to envision or fantasize about one's future or emotions. It is a feature of alexithymia where individuals struggle to imagine different scenarios or emotional experiences, which can hinder goal-setting and the ability to find purpose and direction in life. The script gives an example of how this can affect someone's ability to plan for the future or find meaning in their current situation.

💡Emotional Color Blindness

Emotional color blindness is a metaphor used in the video to describe the experience of alexithymia, where individuals are unable to perceive or understand their own emotions. The script uses this term to illustrate the challenges faced by individuals with alexithymia in recognizing and responding to their emotional states, which can lead to problems in motivation, addiction, and relationships.

💡Relapse

Relapse, in the context of the video, refers to the recurrence of a behavior or condition that a person was trying to change, often associated with addiction. The script discusses how alexithymia can contribute to relapse rates because individuals may not be aware of the emotional stressors that lead to the return of addictive behaviors. It suggests that by improving emotional awareness, individuals can better manage these stressors and reduce the likelihood of relapse.

💡Social Non-Assertive Communication

Social non-assertive communication is a communication style characterized by passivity and difficulty in expressing one's needs or desires. The video script associates this style with alexithymia, where individuals struggle to articulate their feelings and assert themselves in social situations. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships, as well as feelings of isolation or resentment.

Highlights

Attachment is crucial for learning to identify and respond to our internal emotions.

Alexithymia is the inability to experience one's internal emotional state, often likened to emotional color blindness.

Alexithymia is associated with motivational problems, a lack of direction and purpose in life.

Individuals with alexithymia may appear unmotivated and struggle with understanding their existence's meaning.

Alexithymia can exacerbate psychological issues such as addiction by masking emotional stressors that lead to relapse.

People with alexithymia often send mixed signals in relationships due to their difficulty in recognizing and expressing emotions.

Right in the Fields is a program designed to enhance emotional awareness and potentially boost emotional intelligence (EQ).

The most common emotion felt in the community is happiness, suggesting a positive impact from engaging in emotional awareness activities.

Alexithymia is characterized by difficulty identifying feelings, describing them to others, and having an externally oriented thinking style.

Individuals with alexithymia may have constricted imaginations, affecting their ability to envision and plan for the future.

Normative male alexithymia refers to the cultural expectation for men to suppress emotions other than anger or frustration.

Anorexia nervosa and major depressive disorder have been linked with higher rates of alexithymia.

Technology use, particularly social media and video games, can contribute to alexithymia by suppressing emotional circuitry.

Alexithymia can lead to purpose and motivation issues as individuals struggle to find internal inspiration and direction.

Emotional awareness is key to overcoming alexithymia, with potential benefits seen in reduced addiction relapses and improved mental health.

The speaker developed a meditation program focusing on emotional awareness that showed positive outcomes in addiction recovery.

Transcripts

attachment is how we learn what we feel

on the inside so a child early on

doesn't know what they're feeling right

so if I'm an 18 month old and I'm

walking around and I Stumble and fall do

I feel hurt should I panic or should I

laugh and if the adults in the room are

terrified oh my God little Timmy fell

down then the child starts crying he's

like oh crap today what we're going to

talk about is Alexa thymia so Alexa

thyme is the inability to experience

your internal emotional state and what I

kind of view this as is almost like an

emotional color blindness so a lot of

times what we don't really realize but a

lot of our problems actually come from

an inability to experience our internal

emotional state we're not really aware

of what we're feeling on the inside and

there's actually a lot of science that

shows that being unaware of what you're

feeling can lead to all kinds of

problems so alexithymia has been

associated with problems with motivation

and finding direction and purpose in

life so so if you're someone who kind of

like is going through life but you're

not really sure you know what's the

point like you don't know why you're on

this Earth You don't really like you

look around at other people and you see

like oh these people are so motivated

like they get up every day and they're

striving for something but I get up

every day and it's just kind of like a

haze right I don't know really why I'm

here I'm just sort of existing instead

of living and that's actually been tied

to alexithymia we also find that Alexa

thymia is a common culprit in a lot of

psychological problems so leads to

problems or not leads to but exacerbates

problems like addiction so people who

are Lexa thymic are more prone to

addiction will even dive into a lot of

my clinical experience with working with

people with addiction which I don't know

if you all have struggled with this

yourself or maybe you have a friend who

will say yeah I was doing great I was

like sober for six months and then I

don't know what happened I just relapsed

one day and it was out of the blue but

what you'll really discover when you

work with those people is it really

wasn't out of the blue and what was

actually going on is that there were

slight emotional stressors that were

building up over time building up over

time building up over time this really

good Neuroscience to support this and

then when those stressors got

overwhelming the person ended up

relapsing and remember that these people

are colorblind to this which is why they

don't really they're not aware of it

they think everything is fine even

though problems are building in the

background and Alexa thyme is also a

culprit for problems in relationships so

what we tend to find is that when we

don't understand what we're feeling it

creates all kinds of stresses in

relationships we start to send mixed

signals because someone asks us hey is

it okay if I you know go to this party

without you and you're like yeah it's

fine like whatever and then you kind of

feel resentful but you don't know how to

vocalize that resentment you feel

ashamed for feeling that resentment and

so as a result it kind of sabotages your

relationship because you said it was

okay but now you're punishing this

person for something that you gave them

permission for so lexithiamia has been

associated with all these kinds of

things and what I'd love to do is dive

into really what alexithymia is today as

well as a little bit about how it

manifests in different dimensions and in

our lives okay so something else cool to

show y'all so a couple months maybe a

month ago we looked at a very popular

Psychology today article where there was

a psychologist who was talking about how

men are struggling and dating and what

they need to do is become more

emotionally available I think the

article is really useful in a lot of way

made a lot of good points

but I think the challenge is you can say

like okay like people need to be more

emotionally available my question is how

how do you learn to be emotionally

available can you go sign up for

emotional availability class everyone is

saying the world needs to be a

particular place or gen Z needs to stop

being so entitled or this quiet quitting

is a problem or men need to be

emotionally available and so as the

emphasis on emotional awareness

increases we've got events like right in

the fields right in the fields is all

about helping you understand your

emotions grazing awareness of emotions

hopefully helping you regulate your

emotions so that you can kind of boost

your EQ a little bit so I'd love to

share with you all what we've discovered

so far so here is our right in the

fields of motion tracking I just wanted

to share this with you all today so the

most common emotion that we feel in our

community is actually happiness which is

something that you sometimes wouldn't

get you look sometimes at our community

and it's like oh man like people are

like struggling so much but actually

this is what's cool is like a lot of

people are happy a lot of people are

building their lives and starting to be

happy it's like awesome that happiness

is actually the number one winner now

there may be some kind of selection bias

here and this is something I encourage

you all to think about for people who

are participating in the event I think

there's a greater likelihood that those

people will be happy now we have to be

careful here because are they if I'm

happy does that mean I'm more more

likely to participate in stuff maybe but

I think there's another subtle

Association here which is it's people

who participate in stuff like this that

actually improve their emotions the

likelihood to participate in activities

that help you understand your emotional

awareness the kind of people who will

sign up for this are the kinds of people

who have done other stuff because

they're more likely to sign up and as

you do more stuff you will become more

happy so out of the first 4 000 people

how many of them did touch grass there's

probably a really high overlap in fact

it's probably the people who did touch

grass and really improved from it that

are signing up for this too because

they're like wow that was so awesome and

so the key thing here is that I don't

think that happiness necessarily makes

you sign up but the more likely you are

to sign up for something and engage with

something the more likely you are to

actually wind up being more happy so

other stuff so what is right in the

fields so it's a challenge to help you

identify the emotions you struggle with

and build emotional awareness over six

weeks so we're going to start by

identifying simple emotions identifying

complex emotions identifying obscure

emotions recognizing intensity

participate in emotional regulation and

do emotional reflection and we're going

to focus on six emotions over six weeks

shame fear boredom anger sadness and

happiness hold on a second are you

saying that boredom is an emotion and of

course in order to encourage

participation we're gonna bribe y'all

because that's what we have to do is

there are rewards Discord events

um that we're going to be talking about

and so check it out so let's take a look

so let's talk about alexithymia okay

so alexithymia is the inability

to detect

internal emotional state

alexithymia has been associated with

motivational problems

we've already said

purpose has been associated with

addictions and other mental health

problems right and these are not just

um diagnosed addictions but also like

digital addictions like YouTube and Tick

Tock and stuff like that and then lastly

relationship problems

now here's why talking about Alexa thyme

is important

a lot of people who struggle with these

three things

will go looking for answers for these

three things right does that make sense

we're looking for answers so they'll say

how do I find purpose in life and what

people will do is give them answers

about purpose so we'll say like oh like

go read inspiring things or like go out

and volunteer and go do this and go do

this and go do this and go do this and

they don't realize that the prop that

what's really in the way is actually

emotional color blindness because when

when you ask someone like if I Google

like how do I find purpose in life

you're not going to see alexithymia or

emotional colorblindness come up how do

I overcome addictions you're not going

to see Alexa timeia come up I have

problems in my relationship I I

encourage y'all go look at like you know

any kind of relationship advice

situation like go look at like a

subreddit or a forum or whatever no one

is going to say hey the problem with

this relationship is that you're

emotionally colorblind right what

they're going to do is they're gonna say

oh like this person doesn't respect your

boundaries break up with them and as it

turns out there's actually good

scientific evidence that all of these

things are influenced by alexithymia so

let's take a look look at what are the

components of alexithymia okay

so number one is difficulty

identifying feelings

okay and now we're going to see so

number two is difficulty

describing feelings to others

right

you'll see maybe how this can relate to

relationship problems if I can't

describe what I'm feeling number three

is y'all ready for this this is going to

be a KO okay

stimulus bound

externally

oriented

thinking Style

now you may say what does this mean Dr K

this means that in order for you to be

motivated to do something there must be

a stimulus from the outside that causes

your motivation an externally oriented

thinking style means that you need

external deadlines

pressure

these are both stimuli right do you all

get that in order to act

now that's kind of interesting because

this seems like a huge problem right I

can't bring myself to do something until

there's some kind of consequence or

deadline I'm like externally motivated

and it turns out that being externally

motivated is correlated and is one of

the features of being internally

colorblind which sort of makes sense

right because if I'm blind to my

internal drivers I'm going to need to

rely on external deadlines and pressures

and things like that in order to act the

last thing that's kind of interesting is

a constricted

imagination

and you may say well wait a second what

does imagination have to do with

internal colorblindness so there are

studies that show that literally people

who have alexithymia will have more

logical and like less emotive dreams so

they'll have dreams that are like really

kind of run-of-the-mill kind of like

emotionally Bland kind of stuff and what

I've seen when I work with people who

are Alexa thymic is I'll ask them one

really important question I'll ask them

where do you want to be in five years

and when I ask this you know where do

you want to be in five years question

people who are lexithymic are like I

have no idea I can't even imagine it

they can very much vocalize I don't like

that I'm living at home I don't like

that I'm alone I don't like and they'll

use these words like like

or don't like right they won't say I'm

ashamed of living at home I feel

pathetic about myself they'll say yeah I

don't want this this needs to change

needs to change

and then the problem that we get into is

that remember they're stimulus bound so

even though it needs to change if your

parents aren't kicking you out of their

basement then you're never going to

leave and so they have difficulty

Imagining the future and by the way

difficulty Imagining the future leads to

a lack of purpose because if we think

about those people that we want to be

like right who have purpose and are

driven for something can devote 20 years

of their life to create a dream but if

you can't even imagine what the future

would be like how are you supposed to

have visions to go towards how are you

supposed to find goals and what we end

up doing when we're alexathymic is since

we don't we're not in touch with

ourselves what we end up doing is just

looking at external

sources

for inspiration

so we end up with this kind of bland

materialism where we look around and

we're like I don't really want this but

I guess it would be nice I should move

out of the house I should get in shape I

should start eating healthy I should

start making more money because we like

look at all these things but we don't

have this internal driver we're stimulus

bound and so we just kind of like look

outside of ourselves and we're like okay

I guess I should do that because that

looks good okay so these are the four

features of Alexa timeia and as we'll

see we're going to break down how these

already how these lead to these three

common problems so let's talk a little

bit about the origins of alexithymia

so how does someone become Alexa thymic

so the first thing to understand is that

there's alexithymia is more often found

in men than in women so there's even

something called

um

I forget the exact uh yeah normative

male

alexithymia

so let's talk about normative male

alexithymia for a second

so what do we mean by normative male

alexithymia what we mean is that

researchers have sort of found that a

certain amount of alexithymia is normal

in men and why is this so if you look at

how men are sort of culturally raised

we're really raised to express one

emotion so frustration or anger that's

really the only thing that you're

allowed to feel as a man growing up this

is sort of changing now thankfully but I

just saw a social media clip about you

know how men shouldn't cry from a

conservative commentator but so this is

kind of normal where we're sort of

taught like you know if you think about

like you know a 13 year old kid who's

playing sports and they they feel afraid

to go to the big match and when they

feel fear what are they taught or is

that an acceptable emotion no fear is

something that needs to be conquered

fear is for the weak and heaven forbid

you feel ashamed right because like

crying and feeling shame like those

aren't acceptable emotions those are

also emotions of weakness what are the

emotions that a strong man feels a

strong man feels anger righteousness

right and what I really find is that for

a lot of men that I've worked with and

we'll get to women in a second because

things are changing very rapidly is that

anger sort of forms an umbrella emotion

so I'll give you all kind of a simple

example okay

so let's say I get rejected by someone

that I'm interested in let's assume a

heteronormative relationship between a

man and a woman so when I feel rejected

by someone there are all kinds of things

that normally come with rejection right

so there could be fear that I'll be

alone forever shame at myself for being

rejected feelings of low self-worth but

is that what I say do I go to my friends

and I say hey this per I asked this

person out they turn me down and now I'm

afraid that I don't have the basic

qualities necessary for being in a

relationship I'm afraid of being alone

for the rest of my life you know like

I'm just really scared about what this

means for my future that's not how we

talk right instead what you tend to see

is what what it's a lot of considered

toxic uh masculinity which is like oh

yeah like she dumped me like screw her

and then my friends will also say yeah

like you deserve better right and that

what they'll kind of do is they'll like

they'll kind of ramp me up and this is

just true of man this absolutely happens

with women as well where people will say

yeah you dodged a bullet oh yeah that

person doesn't deserve you and they'll

take all those fears and shames and

loneliness and what they'll do is

they'll like replace them with anger

screw screw that person they'll get mad

at this person for hurting you and so

it's very easy for anger to become the

umbrella emotion that's the thing that

we're kind of normalized to feel

a couple of other uh considerations here

is that in my opinion this is changing

rapidly and I've seen more women who are

Alexa thymic in the last you know if we

look at like when I started med school

in 2010 I'd say the nature of

alexithymia and the discrepancy between

men and women is shrinking so there's

good evidence that a lot of women are

alexithymic as well so for example if we

look at anorexia nervosa so this is a

diagnosis that predominantly affects

women 63 percent of people with anorexia

nervosa will be Alexa thymic okay 50 of

people

with major depressive disorder will be

alexithymic about probably less than 10

percent of the population is severely

alexithymic which is pretty big and then

like probably you know up to 30 to 50

percent of the population is moderately

or mildly electronic I'm not entirely

sure about that number and so what we're

seeing is that this is probably changing

rapidly why is it changing rapidly so

the first is that there's some good news

which is that men are getting more in

touch with our their emotions that's

something that you know we try to do

here and other people are trying to do

as well I think um women especially are

starting to recognize that men have

difficulty with emotions so thank you

you for your support the other thing

that's happening with Alexa thyme is

increasing technology use and this isn't

gender specific and what we see with

increasing technology use is that using

any kind of social media

or video game

suppresses our emotional circuitry like

the limbic system so this is like the

amygdala to a certain degree the

hippocampus couple of other areas and so

what happens is if we spend eight hours

a day using technology those are eight

hours of the day where our emotional

circuitry is being suppressed and as our

emotional circuitry enters this chronic

state of suppression and more

importantly as it gets suppressed during

periods of critical development so if

I'm a teenager and I feel really bad

about myself normally like so a lot of

teenagers feel bad about themselves and

to a certain degree we can't escape

those feelings so we are by definition

forced to deal with them right so I'm

moping around the house my parents

notice something is wrong they try to

talk to him about it I reject them I go

hang out with my friends this is kind of

when I was growing up when I was a

teenager like back in the 90s right and

there was a certain amount of like

emotions I couldn't escape from I

started falling into a video game

addiction because that's when I started

to escape from my emotions and now what

we're seeing is a generation of kids

kids who have a very very very easy

escape from their emotions and as we

have escapes from our emotions we don't

develop them we don't develop our

internal understanding of them so as

technology use is increasing we're

seeing that normative male lexithymia is

starting to actually get balanced out

and I think a lot of women I'd say women

now are more alexithymic compared to Men

I'm not saying they're more than men but

the Gap seems to be shrinking with

technology use okay so the internet is

essentially dulling our emotions so as

our emotions get dulled what kind of

problems does this create so the first

is let's talk about purpose

and motivation hey chat subscribing to

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ask you all a question how do you find

purpose in life so like how do you find

it do you go outside walking down the

street and then you find it do you

Google your way to an answer do you

randomly go and volunteer until you

discover purpose in your life that's not

that doesn't really work right so I

don't know how to say this but purpose

comes from inspiration and what do we

what do we mean by purpose comes from

inspiration it's kind of like if you

find my purpose my purpose doesn't come

from outside of me it comes from within

me and what I've seen more and more in

our society is that we've got

when people have difficulty finding

purpose what I tend to see is that their

internal voice has been squashed so I'll

see this a lot with controlling parents

for example so parents who will say like

I don't care what you want you need to

do what I tell you to do we see a lot of

gifted kids who struggle with finding

purpose and I think one of the middle

connecting pieces is actually

alexithymia because these are kids whose

potential was realized right that or

noticed by their parents and their

parents were like oh you're too smart to

do ABC forget what your internal voice

is I don't want you to spend time in art

class I want you to go you know be an

entrepreneur Tech genius at the age of

19. and so a lot of times what we're

seeing is that people have difficulty

finding purpose because those internal

voices were squashed by controlling

parents we also tend to find that people

who have difficulty finding purpose were

also neglected or dealt with some a kind

of abuse or had Early Childhood

experiences

or poor attachment formation so remember

that attachment is how we form human

relationships and the attachment Theory

also teaches us or attachment is how we

learn what we feel on the inside so a

child early on doesn't know what they're

feeling right so if I'm an 18 month old

and I'm walking around and I Stumble and

fall do I feel hurt should I panic or

should I laugh and if you look at an 18

year old who stumbles and Falls the

first thing that they're going to do is

look to the adults in the room and if

the adults in the room are terrified oh

my God little Timmy fell down then the

child starts crying he's like oh crap I

should be worried right now everyone

else is worried and so then a child

learns to that they learn to recognize

their feelings by looking at the faces

of others similarly if that same child

turns to everyone else and everyone else

starts laughing then the child will

start laughing too and they'll be like

oh this is funny and so what ends up

happening is if we grow up in neglectful

households so we're not talking

necessarily about abuse but even if you

you have a parent single parent

household who works two jobs and they're

not around to reflect your emotions back

to you what we discover is that these

kids grow up to be Alexa time and as

they grow to be Alexa thymic they

struggle because they don't know how to

look into themselves and as they don't

as they don't know how to look into

themselves they can't find purpose and

what they end up doing is looking

outside of themselves for some kind of

compass or goal to move towards I have

no idea what I want in my life if you

ask me so now we can kind of go back to

some of our data right so if we kind of

go back to this if you ask me what I

want I have constricted imagination I

have no idea what I want what I want is

to have purpose what I want is to no

longer live this life I want this life

to change that's what they want this is

also where you see people who are

externally motivated and why are they

externally motivated because they're

colorblind to themselves because

remember what is the relationship

between emotion

and motivation

if we want to understand this

go watch a movie any movie doesn't

matter what the movie is when there's a

protagonist hero or heroine what

motivates them to overcome to Triumph

against adversity dig really deep and

beat that final boss is it logic when

the hero is losing or heroin is losing

in that critical period comes do they go

to the library and do the next four

hours of the movie show them doing

exhaustive research in logical

mathematical proofs to discover the

solution and then they hand or Treatise

about how the villain is being a bad

person to them that is logically perfect

and then the then they show that the the

villain is flipping through the pages

and then realizes logically I'm defeated

and then the movie ends no you never see

people furiously reading things on

Wikipedia and listening to podcasts in

order to triumph over adversity and find

motivation to keep going right what do

you see emotions and if you think about

the periods of your life where you've

been the most motivated chances are

emotions have something to do with it

all those moments of life where you're

like never again I'm never gonna be in

this situation again or you feel

inspired to create right is that like

logically you're like oh I guess I

should do this no you feel inspiration

and how are you supposed to feel

inspiration if you're emotionally

colorblind there's a lot of good

evidence to support this as well so we

know that the amygdala

which is our fear Center is really good

at putting the brakes on our frontal

lobes it can just shut them straight off

so our frontal lobes are responsible for

our executive function which is planning

and executing tasks so we can wake up

this morning and say okay I've got this

to-do list and I've got 14 things to do

and our amygdala is like yeah we're

afraid to leave in the house we're not

going to do that today and you're like

all right well I guess I'm not going to

do anything today but you don't realize

it because now the problem with Alexa

thyme is you're blind to this component

so what do these people actually

experience they experience a motivation

I'm just not motivated to do anything

they don't see the emotions holding them

back because what keeps us from acting

negative emotions fear of Shame fear of

rejection fear so purpose and motivation

are absolutely tied to alexithymia next

up let's talk about addictions so

there's evidence that shows people who

relapse are emotionally unaware so if

you look at when people use the more

that someone is able to identify what

they are feeling in the moment the less

likely they are to use a substance so

for example this is why a uses call your

sponsor if you're struggling right let's

think about that why should you call

your sponsor if you're struggling when

you call your sponsor first of all let's

understand what struggling means what is

the experience of struggling feeling

negative emotions

why don't we say call your sponsor if

you're feeling negative emotions why do

we use the word struggling because we're

Alexa thymic and we don't even know what

these are so all we experience is the

struggle do you all see that our

experience of it is just that life is

hard because we don't even know that

struggling struggling is not a real

thing it's an umbrella term what a

struggle like what does it mean to

strong things are hard well what does

that mean it's hard for me to do

something well okay what makes it hard

well I'm terrified of asking my boss for

a raise because I don't want to be

perceived as greedy okay now we see that

there's potential for shame now we see

that there's fear now we see that

there's anxiety but what we do when

we're alexithymic is we just say I'm

struggling bro I'm struggling and I've

seen this clinically a lot where I'll

like work with people and I'll ask them

I'll be like hey so like you know you

were sober for six months what happened

they'll say I don't know what happened I

just relapsed I was good one day and

then suddenly I wasn't good it just

happened and the more that I tunnel down

out with those people I don't know if

you all have friends who have struggled

with addiction or you yourself have

struggled with addiction and I don't

know how to say this but like if RNG is

responsible for whether you you stay

sober or not like that's not a winning

strategy right because when someone says

it just happened that's RNG there's

nothing you can do like if it just

happened what can you do to overcome it

you can't do anything oh I guess just in

the future just make sure it doesn't

happen again well how so the more that I

work with those people what we actually

tunnel down into is it didn't just

happen there was a slow burn of negative

emotion that reached a certain Tipping

Point was overwhelming and you didn't

know how to cope because here's the

common element of all addictions what is

the one thing that unifies all

addictions emotional coping the one

thing right so whether I'm shooting up

heroin or I'm addicted to shopping what

they do is manipulate my emotions so any

substance will kind of mellow you out or

maybe activate you right make help you

feel good sometimes that's Euphoria but

other kinds of Behavioral addictions

like technology addictions they dull our

emotional circuitry and so as we dull

our emotional circuitry this is really

important to understand it doesn't make

the emotions go away we just lose sight

of it and as we lose sight of it it

starts to act in other dimensions of our

life it always seeps out that emotional

energy is there in the brain it just

affects different parts of our brain in

different ways just because I'm unaware

of the activity of amygdala does not

mean that the amygdala does not

interfere with my frontal lobes doesn't

mean that I don't feel fear and it keeps

me trapped at home right so the effects

on the brain are absolutely there we

just aren't aware of them so we see with

alexithymia is that people who are

addicted there's actually excellent

research on this by Dr volkau volkau I

don't know how to pronounce it but she's

awesome neuroscientist who talks about

the neurobiology of addiction and she

actually has isolated that they're like

particular emotional circuits in the

brain that as we raise awareness of our

emotions or we look at people who are

how are the brains of people who are

addicted different from the brains of

people who aren't and there's one of the

major benefits sorry one of the major

differences is that people who are

vulnerable to addiction have a lower

level of emotional awareness and

literally their brains are wired in a

different way so what we tend to find is

that people who are not aware of their

emotions can't manage them so this is

where like here's the tricky thing so if

I'm not aware that my negative emotions

are building up how am I supposed to

healthily cope with them right because

the goal of overcoming an addiction is

you have to develop healthy coping

mechanisms fantastic let's develop

healthy coping let's meditate but if I'm

not even aware that I'm feeling anxious

like I'm not even going to bother to

meditate does that make sense so in

order to develop healthy coping

mechanisms we have to know when we need

to cope in a healthy Manner and if we're

laxatimic we don't even realize it so

let's move on now we get into some real

problems okay so here's what we tend to

find in people who are Lexa thymic and

what their relationships look like

oftentimes they are cold and distant

when it comes to communication so in

their relationships they like feel

distant so this is what we would call

emotional

unavailability I'm looking for someone

who's emotionally available that's

someone who is not cold and distant

let's think about what the opposite is

right so warm

and present

this equals emotional availability and I

want you all to think a little bit about

okay if you're cold and distant in a

relationship think about your parents

right where your parents warm and

present or were they cold and distant a

second feature if you look at the

science of alexithymia and look at if

you take people who are Lexa thymic and

look at what else what other

communication patterns do you see the

other thing

y'all are gonna love this

social non-assertive

communication so sometimes this is

social anxiety

or we call this social anxiety I'm not

saying that they have a social anxiety

disorder what I'm saying is that people

who are socially non-assertive with

communication have difficulty walking up

to someone and initiating conversation

they have difficulty advocating for

themselves right they're non-assertive

in their communication style so they're

passive so this is the person who will

go to a party and will stand there in

the corner and wait for someone to talk

to them and we call that social anxiety

but this is actually associated with

alexithymia

okay next thing this is the beta mindset

right so I'm going to draw a pretty

broad correlation here I'm not saying

that this is real but what I'm saying is

if you listen to people who talk about

being betas or get called betas they're

non-assertive communicators right so

that they're people who will like have

lots of feelings but then like won't go

and ask someone out so I I think I know

it sounds kind of weird but I think a

lot of like people like this you don't

have to go and take the red pill and

become an ultra chat or things like that

what you actually just need to do is be

aware of what your what Your internal

emotional state is and as you become

more aware of your internal emotional

state you can start to be more assertive

in communication and this is where if

you look at some of like this community

right they're all about assertive

communication I think sometimes their

assertiveness crosses the the you know

the bridge into toxicity and being

harmful but I think that like this is

the kind of interesting thing about that

communities I think they've stumbled on

a lot of good stuff but I think they're

they're underlying mechanisms are not

scientifically based because what you

actually discover is that as you become

come less alexithymic we're not saying

that you need to be a better person you

just need to be aware of what you're

feeling on on the inside and as you

become aware of what you're feeling on

the inside you can start to communicate

more assertively so this is also there's

some really interesting data here to

understand about relationships which is

that if you look at men men will

oftentimes be reluctant to engage in

couples counseling there's research on

this and if you ask men why why don't

you want to go to couples therapy or why

are men resistant to couples therapy

what it actually comes down to is that

men feel like they are at a disadvantage

in terms of participating in couples

therapy and why is that it's because

they don't know how to describe they

can't describe their feelings to other

people and so what happens is they go

into couples therapy and then they have

a partner who's very emotionally

descriptive

and then they feel like their partner

does such a better job at explaining

themselves that the therapist

takes their side

and then when the therapist asks okay

what's your experience of this the dude

is like I don't know right so Men

actually feel like they're at a

disadvantage when it comes to therapy

now I'm not saying that men are at a

disadvantage that's a really really

important thing to consider so when I

work with men for example in couples

therapy what I oftentimes find is that

if I have an Alexa thymic patient man or

a woman right because a lot of women can

be alexithymic too it's my job as the

couple's therapist to translate this

into I'm afraid I'm ashamed

so I don't think that men are actually

at a disadvantage in couples therapy for

the record they just feel that way which

leads to their reluctance to engage and

then let's try to think through so if

you can't communicate your emotions if

you don't know what you feel and you

can't communicate emotions

what is that what happens in a

relationship

when you can't communicate your emotions

well this is where things get hard

because what happens is we get into

arguments and we get into arguments that

are very confusing because the stated

reasons that we have don't actually

match what we feel so I'll give you all

an example so I was once working with a

young man who got into a conflict with

their significant other and he was

concerned because she had a couple of

conferences and business trips lined up

where there were male colleagues that

she would go with right so it was like a

group of people from their job so it

wasn't just like one one woman and one

man but this guy was really really

concerned and he was like yeah like you

know

uh men just want one thing and the the

or his partner would say like oh you

know these are just my Prof like they're

friends of mine from work I'm not

romantically interested in them at all

they're not romantically interested in

me at all we're just friends there's

nothing for you to worry about and then

the man responds with well like that's

just not true all men just want one

thing you know they're just biting their

time like I I don't want you to go like

you know like I don't think it's good

you don't understand them and so there's

this kind of paranoia that started to

come out and sometimes would really

result in controlling Behavior right so

there's paranoia and controlling

Behavior because they're like you don't

understand men right I understand men

you're in danger I don't want you

hanging out with them I don't want you

hanging out with them when really what's

underneath is fear right so the man

isn't able to articulate I feel insecure

I'm afraid that I love you so much and I

think you're such an amazing person and

I have self-esteem problems I don't

think I deserve you I think you deserve

someone way better than me and so what

I'm afraid of is that at some point if

you spend time with other men who are

better than I am because I have

self-esteem issues eventually you will

realize that you can do better than me

and since I love you and since I care

about this relationship I don't ever

want that to happen I don't ever want to

lose you do you deserve better yes but

do I want to hang on to you absolutely

and so now what happens is unless the

man is able to vocalize that because by

the way what kind of shameful crap is

that like who says like you like who

says that kind of thing how is that chat

at all like that's the most beta stuff

you could say by the way right which is

why we suppress those kinds of thoughts

growing up and then we don't know how to

articulate them and now we see how this

leads to conflict in a relationship

because now the discussion is are all

men trying to get into your pants no

they're not and you guys are arguing up

here and then there's no resolution

because y'all are each trying to

convince each other where the real

problem is I feel insecure I'm afraid

that you're going to leave me and then

the worst part of the situation is

because that's the root problem that

leads to the paranoia and the

controlling Behavior eventually what

ends up happening to this person's

previous girlfriends they end up leaving

because he's so controlling right and

you take that to the internet and people

like oh my God that guy is so

controlling dump him and move on and

then like now what's happened now the

person has been further traumatized oh

my God my self-esteem is so much I

deserve I really didn't deserve that

people have been leaving me over and

over and over again now I really like

any decent person deserves better than

me and so then the whole cycle repeats

and what does it come down to Alexa time

you it comes down to inability to

understand what you're feeling inability

to admit to yourself that you're

insecure and sure as hell ain't gonna

communicate that to this person that I'm

afraid of leaving and so I sabotage

myself I shoot myself in the foot and we

result in a situation where there you

can't communicate with your partner and

you end up driving them away because the

actual problem in the relationship

cannot be discussed or addressed and

instead you all end up having 9 rounds

on whether all men are trying to get

into your pants or not so a lot of what

we see is controlling Behavior actually

comes from inability to understand and

articulate your own feelings now in this

example we sort of use the situation of

a mandating woman I've absolutely seen

it the other way as well right where a

lot of controlling Behavior actually

comes out of insecurity and so it's not

necessarily

men to women just just in that direction

so what we end up seeing is that

alexithymia causes all kinds of problems

and when you go look at relationship

advice stuff they're not going to say oh

yeah the problem here is that you're you

know you're emotionally colorblind what

people will say is communicate

communicate communicate but communicate

what right people say communication is

the foundation of a healthy relationship

but what to communicate what should I

say in communication what you should say

is be aware of your feelings and

communicate your feelings your drives

your desires to your partner and so I

think that Alexa thymia is a really

really common and growing problem we

know that less than 10 percent of the

population up to 10 of the population

has severe alexithymia but we also see

that there are high correlations of

alexithymia with all kinds of other

problems 63 of people with anorexia

nervosa have alexithymia we also know

that to a certain degree there is

normative male alexithymia so there's a

certain amount of the way that all men

are raised which leads to a certain

degree of alexithymia which is sort of

really allowing us to feel only one

emotion and as we feel predominantly

anger we lose sight and don't know how

to detect these other emotions as we

lose sight of those emotions which by

the way technology is increasing is

making Alexa thymia worse across the

board because the universal effect of

technology is to numb our emotional

circuitry and especially our negative

emotional circuitry so as we have a

generation of people who are becoming

more internally numb it creates all

kinds of problems that we see front and

center the first is purpose and

motivation I'm so burnt out at work well

why are you burnt out at work well I

took this job well why did you take the

job it's because I had a quiet voice

deep inside me that told me that I

really want to do this and that voice

was first squashed by my parents and

then I internalized that dialogue and

took all of my hopes and dreams and

throttled them and then I ended up

picking a job for Prestige and now I

call it quiet quitting it starts with

Alexa timing so we struggle to find

purpose we also know from lots of

research that people who are lexithymic

have difficulty with their imagination

especially around the future we also see

a lot of problems that we see with

motivation which is that a lot of people

will say oh I'm externally motivated I

can't do anything unless there's a

deadline and this is literally

associated with Alexa time it's one of

the key four features of alexithymia is

to be externally to be externally

oriented thinking and stimulus bound

which means that you don't act unless

there's an external thing that is

pushing you to act and let's think about

that for a second well why is that well

duh it's because you spent the first 20

years of your life turning down the

volume on the internal stuff which

results in alexithymia I don't know what

I'm feeling on the inside and so what

are the only things that I'm left to

motivate myself with are things from the

outside we also see other consequences

of this such as a vulnerability towards

addiction or worsening of Addicting

behaviors there are high correlations

between Alexa thymine and all kinds of

mental diagnoses so very high

correlation with autism spectrum

disorders 63 of anorexia which we talked

about about 45 percent of binge eating

disorders a lot of addictive behaviors

up to maybe 50 of people with major

depressive disorder will have will be

alexithymic as well and so what we're

starting to see is that when people get

addicted what is what is the purpose of

an addiction the purpose of an addiction

is emotional coping that's the one

uniform thing between all addictions

they help us manage our emotions and if

I'm colorblind to what I am feeling I

cannot develop a healthy coping

mechanism because I don't even know that

my my trash can is 50 full the only time

I notice it is when it's overflowing

because that's when it starts to create

problems in my life and that's when I

end up relapsing the third big Dimension

that alexithymia causes problems is

within relationships because remember

the second core feature of Alexa thyme

is difficulty describing your emotional

state to others and when I can't

articulate how I feel in a relationship

I'm sort of at a disadvantage in terms

of communication and then I don't know

how to tell my partner how I how I feel

or even and friends right where like

your friends didn't invite you to a

party and then like just imagine this

for a second like they didn't invite you

to a party and you feel hurt and left

out do you actually go to them and say

hey it was really hurtful to me that

y'all left me out I feel neglected and I

feel undervalued compared to other

friends in our friend group does anyone

talk like that maybe increasingly but

generally speaking what people will say

is there'll be some kind of like weird

passive aggressive exchange right I'll

be mad at you and be like hey by the way

I'm around in the future you don't know

how to say that to people or when you do

say it because the other person is Alexa

that I make and you say hey I feel

undervalued compared to other people

that makes your friend feel ashamed but

they don't realize that they feel

ashamed and so what they end up doing is

getting mad at you right because they

are Alexa thymic too and all they know

how to feel is anger so that shame turns

into anger and they're like all right

bro whatever you're a loser I'm out and

that's what the first person is afraid

of that they're gonna have a negative

reaction so now I can't even articulate

my feelings because you've got two

alexithymic people which explains so

many online relationships where we can't

communicate our needs to other people

right when you say hey you I feel

neglected and undervalued as part of the

group and if your friend is not

alexithymic they'll recognize oh I feel

bad I'm sorry about that it's really

hard for me to hear that especially

because I've tried to invite you three

or four times and I feel like I actually

value you more than other people in the

relationship here's my perspective that

the last three times I've invited you

you've declined or you haven't shown up

and the reason that I didn't invite you

isn't because I value you less it's

because I feel rejected when I invite

you to things and you don't show up I

start to wonder is there something wrong

with me that this person doesn't want to

hang out with me and then you all like

have a conversation about it but if

we're alexatheimic on either side let

alone both it's going to sabotage our

relationship so we tend to see that

Alexa thymia causes problems in all

three of these dimensions and the real

challenge is that unless we're aware

that Alexa thyme is even a thing we go

on Google searching answers for each of

these problems how do I get my friends

to invite me to think

that's a very common problem no one is

out there saying become more emotionally

aware

right when there's actually strong data

that suggests that Alexa time is

associated with all this so hopefully

this quick foray into like kind of

alexithymia 101 is illustrative helps

you all understand a little bit about

what's going on the good news is that

Alexa thymia is not set in stone is

there some evidence that it kind of gets

classified as a personality trait but

I've seen overwhelming clinical success

in terms of like teaching people about

their emotions so even when it comes to

addiction I developed a meditation

program for people who had addictions at

McLean Hospital where the goal the focus

of the meditation program was internal

emotional awareness because I saw this

sort of neuroscientific deficit and we

picked all of the meditations that will

help people become emotionally aware and

what did we see as we started teaching

people emotional awareness meditations

they started relapsing less but for a

brief period of time they started

feeling worse they started acknowledging

their negative emotions earlier but then

they could reach out for help so made

them feel a little bit emotionally worse

in the short term reduced relapses over

the long term and overall improved their

mental health one year out so the good

news is that there is stuff that you can

do about this you just have to really

understand that emotional awareness is a

really really key component because it's

like it's like literally chunks of our

brain are all devoted to our emotions

and if we don't really understand what

those are how to regulate them it's

going to cause all kinds of problems in

our life if you found this video helpful

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help people understand their mind so

that they can build the lives that they

want so check out the link in the

description below

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