When The Fearful Avoidant Realizes They Lost You: Emotional Reactions & Breakup Coping

Summary

The video explains how individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style handle breakups, often oscillating between anxious and avoidant tendencies. Initially, they may distance themselves, numb their emotions, and self-soothe, but after a few weeks of no contact, they typically experience regret, curiosity, and anxiety. The video highlights the importance of working through core wounds before reconnecting with an ex to avoid repeating negative patterns. It also provides insights into the timeline of emotional shifts and suggests open communication, better boundaries, and personal growth for successful reconnection.

Takeaways

• 🔀 **Fearful Avoidants (FAs) have both anxious and avoidant sides**: Their behavior in relationships can switch depending on external factors and internal core wounds.
• ⚖️ **Balance between Anxious and Avoidant Sides**: Their responses to partners vary—if they feel suffocated, they lean into their avoidant side, and if they feel neglected, they become more anxious.
• 😵 **Initial Response to Breakups**: After a breakup, FAs typically move into their avoidant side, convincing themselves that the relationship was not right for them.
• 🚫 **Numbing Out**: FAs often numb their emotions using external distractions (e.g., partying, drinking, or other habits) as a way to self-soothe.
• 🔄 **3-6 Week Deactivation Period**: In the first 3 to 6 weeks post-breakup, FAs usually shut down emotionally and disconnect from their feelings.
• 💔 **Transition to Anxiety**: After the deactivation phase, if there’s no contact, they may swing to their anxious side, experiencing regret, curiosity, and self-blame.
• 🕰️ **Activation Phase (6 Weeks to 4 Months)**: FAs enter a period where they might become more open to reconnection, but this is dependent on whether the ex reaches out or not.
• 📅 **Total Post-Breakup Timeline**: It usually takes FAs around 5 months post-breakup to start healing and gaining closure if no reconnection happens.
• ⚠️ **Intermittent Reinforcement Issues**: Their inconsistent behaviors (loving one moment, distant the next) can create unhealthy dynamics for both parties.
• 🔧 **Reconnection Requires Change**: For successful reconnection, both parties must address past issues, establish better communication, and set healthy boundaries.

Q & A

What are the two sides of a Fearful Avoidant attachment style?

Fearful Avoidants have both an anxious side and an avoidant side. These sides are triggered by external factors and core wounds, and they determine how a Fearful Avoidant behaves in a relationship.

What causes a Fearful Avoidant to lean more into their avoidant side?

A Fearful Avoidant may lean into their avoidant side when they feel someone is becoming too codependent or enmeshed. This triggers core wounds related to feeling trapped, helpless, or betrayed, leading them to withdraw.

How does a Fearful Avoidant typically react after a breakup?

After a breakup, a Fearful Avoidant usually enters their avoidant side, convincing themselves they don't need the person and using distractions like drinking or partying to numb their emotions. This phase typically lasts 3-6 weeks.

What happens to a Fearful Avoidant after the initial 3-6 week period of deactivation?

After the 3-6 week deactivation period, if there’s no contact from their ex, the Fearful Avoidant often shifts into their anxious side, where they may feel regret, curiosity, self-blame, and wonder if they made a mistake.

What can prevent a Fearful Avoidant from reaching out during the anxious phase after a breakup?

Even during the anxious phase, Fearful Avoidants may still avoid reaching out due to their fear of vulnerability and their tendency to not express their emotions outwardly.

How long does the anxious phase typically last for a Fearful Avoidant?

The anxious phase usually lasts between 6 weeks and 3-4 months, during which a Fearful Avoidant may start missing their ex and feeling conflicted about the breakup.

What is the ideal time to reconnect with a Fearful Avoidant after a breakup?

The best time to reconnect with a Fearful Avoidant is after about 6 weeks of no contact. During this time, both individuals should work on themselves and reprogram their core wounds to prepare for a healthier dynamic.

What should be discussed if reconnecting with a Fearful Avoidant after a breakup?

If reconnecting, it's important to have open conversations about what went wrong, set new boundaries, and ensure that both parties have worked on their issues to avoid repeating the same patterns.

What does a Fearful Avoidant typically want during the reconnection phase?

During the reconnection phase, a Fearful Avoidant may want to act like they are in a relationship without committing to it. They may avoid commitment discussions to prevent feeling overwhelmed and returning to their avoidant side.

How does a Fearful Avoidant process the loss of a relationship long-term?

After 5 months or so, if no reconnection happens, Fearful Avoidants typically move on and find closure. They work through their feelings and eventually transition into different relationships or friendships.