You Need To Stop Taking Things Personally

Summary

This video explores the concept of taking things personally and its connection to narcissism. It highlights how personalizing external criticism or rejection can lead to negative feelings and prevent personal growth. Using examples like breakups and job rejections, the speaker explains how shifting focus from internal identity flaws to external behaviors allows for actionable change. By adopting empathy and externalizing the problem, we can improve our relationships and mental well-being. The video also touches on coaching, offering solutions for those struggling to see things from others' perspectives.

Takeaways

• 😀 Taking things personally creates negative emotions and bad outcomes, making it essential to learn how to avoid doing so.
• 🤔 Taking things personally is linked to narcissism, where the individual feels attacked and fails to address the real issue.
• 😕 Narcissists tend to internalize problems and play the victim instead of recognizing their own behavior as the cause of issues.
• 💔 In relationships, internalizing statements like 'it's not you, it's me' leads to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, even when the problem isn't within you.
• 💡 The key to stopping taking things personally is accepting responsibility for specific behaviors without seeing it as an identity flaw.
• 🛠 Externalizing the problem from yourself allows you to focus on actionable areas of improvement, rather than seeing it as a defect in your character.
• 🎯 By identifying concrete areas of growth, like insufficient skills after an interview rejection, you can take corrective actions and feel empowered.
• 👁 Practicing empathy and understanding others' perspectives helps reduce the likelihood of taking things personally and can improve relationships.
• 🚫 Narcissists fail to change because they place the blame on themselves without addressing the specific behaviors causing the problems.
• 🌱 Accepting responsibility for behaviors, rather than identity, leads to positive outcomes in both personal growth and relationships.

Q & A

What is the primary issue the speaker addresses in the video?

The speaker focuses on how to stop taking things personally and explains the negative consequences of doing so.

How does the speaker connect taking things personally with narcissism?

The speaker explains that taking things personally is a trait of narcissism, as narcissists tend to view criticism as a personal attack, making it difficult for them to change their behavior.

What are some of the negative consequences of taking things personally, according to the speaker?

Taking things personally leads to bad feelings, unproductive behaviors, low self-esteem, and an inability to take corrective action because the person focuses on themselves rather than the actual issue.

How does the speaker suggest people can stop taking things personally?

The speaker suggests practicing empathy by looking at things from another person’s perspective and externalizing the problem, focusing on behavior rather than personal identity.

What example does the speaker give to illustrate how narcissists deflect responsibility?

The speaker uses an example of a narcissist who shows up drunk repeatedly. When confronted about the behavior, instead of addressing the issue, the narcissist plays the victim, saying they can't make anyone happy.

How does taking responsibility relate to not taking things personally?

Taking responsibility involves acknowledging the specific behaviors that need improvement rather than internalizing the issue as a personal defect, which leads to better outcomes and growth.

What role does empathy play in resolving the issue of taking things personally?

Empathy helps by encouraging individuals to view situations from another person’s perspective, which allows them to focus on actionable behaviors instead of internalizing the problem.

Why is externalizing the problem important in changing behavior?

Externalizing the problem shifts the focus away from seeing oneself as inherently flawed and helps identify specific behaviors that can be addressed, leading to more effective changes.

What does the speaker suggest you do if you're unsure about the specific behaviors you need to change?

The speaker recommends asking the other person what behaviors they observe that bother them and analyzing what actions could improve the situation, even if you're unsure.

How does the speaker relate the process of not taking things personally to improving relationships and self-esteem?

By focusing on specific behaviors rather than personal identity, individuals can take corrective action, which improves their relationships and self-esteem, leading to more positive outcomes.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 How to Stop Taking Things Personally

The speaker introduces the topic of how to stop taking things personally, explaining that it often creates negative feelings and outcomes. They discuss how people tend to internalize remarks and take them to heart, leading to frustration, especially in situations like breakups. The speaker highlights that one of the most transformative concepts they've taught their patients is to stop personalizing things, which involves accepting responsibility and will lead to better emotional outcomes.

05:01

🔍 Narcissism and Taking Things Personally

The speaker draws a connection between narcissism and taking things personally. They explain that narcissists often deflect criticism by playing the victim and not addressing the root problem. Instead of fixing behaviors, they internalize everything as a personal attack, which perpetuates a cycle of victimhood. This is compared to how people, in general, may misinterpret feedback and feel guilt instead of addressing external issues.

10:02

💔 Breakups and Internalizing Blame

The speaker explores how individuals often misinterpret breakups by blaming themselves, leading to feelings of guilt and low self-esteem. They explain that when someone says, 'It's not you, it's me,' it may be true, but the person being rejected might still feel at fault. This prevents them from identifying actionable solutions, creating a cycle of self-blame with no path to improvement.

15:04

👥 Responsibility in Job Rejections and Relationships

The speaker uses job rejections to explain how internalizing failure can be harmful. Instead of blaming themselves, individuals should focus on the actionable reasons for their rejection, such as lacking a skill. This mirrors the experience in relationships where someone may feel inadequate but needs to address specific behaviors rather than self-worth. By externalizing the problem and taking responsibility for behavior changes, personal growth and improvement are possible.

🔄 Understanding External Behaviors for Personal Growth

The speaker emphasizes the importance of externalizing problems rather than taking them personally. By focusing on behaviors instead of internal flaws, individuals can identify specific actions to improve, leading to better outcomes in relationships and careers. They stress that this approach helps separate self-worth from external situations, which is key to taking responsibility and fostering growth.

🔍 Self-Reflection Through Empathy

The speaker advises practicing empathy and seeing situations from others' perspectives to better understand behaviors that might be causing issues. They suggest asking questions to gain clarity on how one's actions are perceived, as this helps separate identity from behavior. By focusing on tangible actions rather than internal feelings, individuals can take steps toward improvement.

🛠️ Actionable Steps to Address Criticism

The speaker encourages focusing on concrete manifestations of criticism, such as specific behaviors, and addressing them instead of getting hung up on emotions or ego. They explain that even if the perceived problem may not be the actual issue, improving related behaviors can still lead to positive outcomes. This is part of taking responsibility and separating ego from action.

🚀 Improving Life by Changing Behavior

The speaker concludes by explaining that changing behavior, rather than internalizing problems, leads to improved relationships and overall happiness. By externalizing issues and focusing on actionable changes, individuals can break the cycle of taking things personally and start seeing better results in both their personal and professional lives.

🧘 Ego, Narcissism, and Coaching Support

The speaker touches on the relationship between ego and narcissism, offering resources such as meditation guides and coaching programs to help people externalize their issues and gain a fresh perspective. Coaching, in particular, is highlighted as an effective tool for seeing situations from a new lens, which can aid in personal growth and overcoming challenges.

🎯 Final Thoughts and Coaching Support

The speaker wraps up the video by reiterating the value of externalizing problems and how coaching can provide actionable insights into personal behavior. They invite viewers to check out additional resources and to reflect on the lessons shared, encouraging feedback on whether the approach resonates.

Keywords

💡Taking things personally

This refers to the tendency to interpret actions, behaviors, or comments as direct reflections of one's self-worth or identity. In the video, the speaker emphasizes that taking things personally often results in negative emotions and outcomes, and it can prevent individuals from addressing the real issue at hand. For example, during a breakup, one may feel that they are the cause of the problem even when the other person states, 'It's not you, it's me.'

💡Narcissism

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by excessive self-focus, self-importance, and lack of empathy for others. In the video, narcissism is discussed as a state where people often take things personally and play the victim, deflecting responsibility for their behavior. The speaker uses the example of a narcissist who, when confronted about their excessive drinking, makes it about their personal inadequacy instead of addressing the actual behavior.

💡Victim mentality

Victim mentality is the tendency to see oneself as the victim in situations, often deflecting responsibility and avoiding change. In the video, this concept is linked to narcissism, where individuals focus on how they are being wronged rather than addressing the behaviors that caused the issue. For example, a narcissist might respond to criticism by claiming they've 'tried everything' and can't make anyone happy, rather than working to change their behavior.

💡Externalizing the problem

This concept involves shifting the focus away from seeing oneself as the problem and instead recognizing external factors that can be changed. In the video, the speaker encourages people to 'externalize' the issue rather than internalize it as a personal failure. For instance, instead of believing that not getting a job means you're inadequate, externalizing the problem would mean recognizing a need to improve skills for the interview.

💡Accepting responsibility

Accepting responsibility involves acknowledging one’s role in a situation and taking actionable steps to improve. The speaker highlights that, paradoxically, not taking things personally allows people to accept responsibility for their actions. For example, in a breakup scenario, one might accept responsibility for being emotionally unavailable without internalizing it as a reflection of their entire worth.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. The speaker recommends practicing empathy as a way to stop taking things personally, by putting oneself in the other person’s shoes. For example, asking what behaviors or actions the other person sees rather than assuming their comments are attacks on one's character can provide clarity and foster better relationships.

💡Narcissistic defense mechanism

A narcissistic defense mechanism is a way of protecting one's ego by deflecting responsibility or avoiding the need to change. The video describes how narcissists take things personally to avoid addressing their behavior. For example, when confronted with criticism, a narcissist might focus on how they are the victim instead of recognizing the need to change their behavior.

💡Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem refers to a negative perception of one's own worth. The speaker links taking things personally to a cycle of low self-esteem, where individuals blame themselves for situations they cannot control, such as a breakup. This self-blame can lead to negative thoughts and further diminish self-worth, as individuals focus on what they believe is wrong with them rather than external factors.

💡Corrective action

Corrective action is the process of identifying and addressing specific behaviors or skills that can be improved. In the video, the speaker argues that when people stop taking things personally, they can take corrective action to improve their lives. For example, if someone didn’t get a job, instead of blaming themselves, they can recognize that their interview skills need work and focus on improving them.

💡Mentalization-based therapy

Mentalization-based therapy is a treatment method designed to help individuals understand and reflect on their own mental state and that of others. The speaker mentions this form of therapy as an effective approach for treating narcissism, as it teaches individuals to see things from others' perspectives. This is a critical skill for reducing the tendency to take things personally, as it helps individuals focus on behaviors rather than perceived personal attacks.

Highlights

The speaker introduces the concept of not taking things personally and explains its importance in life.

Taking things personally leads to bad feelings and poor outcomes, which can be avoided by understanding the issue properly.

The speaker addresses the difficulty of teaching people how to stop taking things personally and the transformation it can bring.

Narcissism is linked to taking things personally, where narcissists often play the victim instead of addressing their behaviors.

Narcissists deflect responsibility by focusing on themselves as victims rather than solving the actual issue.

In relationships, people often take things personally, even when the problem may not lie with them.

Taking things personally prevents people from identifying the real issue, leading to self-blame and low self-esteem.

Not taking things personally allows one to externalize the problem, accept responsibility, and take corrective actions.

When we externalize the issue, it becomes clear what can be worked on or improved, rather than blaming oneself.

The speaker explains how narcissists often fail to change their behaviors because they don’t focus on the actual problem.

When you stop taking things personally, it helps improve relationships and performance by focusing on actionable behaviors.

Looking at situations through the lens of others allows you to better understand how your behavior affects them.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of asking for feedback and examining manifestations of one’s behavior to make improvements.

Improving behaviors by taking responsibility rather than internalizing blame can lead to better outcomes and emotional well-being.

Coaching programs can be valuable by providing an external perspective and helping individuals see things from a clearer, unbiased view.

Transcripts

today I want to talk to you all about

how to stop taking things

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personally so as we go through life

often times people will tell us things

that we don't want to hear and we take

it incredibly personally they'll say

things like oh bro like don't take it so

personally man like it's not really you

or if we're going through a breakup like

oh my God it's not you it's me and it's

infuriating and when I work with my

patients one of the most important

things that has trans formed their lives

is to teach them how to stop taking

things personally when you take things

personally it creates bad feelings and

bad outcomes and if we can learn how to

stop taking things personally which

ironically means accepting

responsibility those two are at opposite

ends of the spectrum as I hope to show

you what we'll discover is that it will

help you feel better and do better now I

was even debating making this video and

I talked to about it about my team

because I think while this concept is so

transformation

it is also really really hard to explain

so when I work with my patients it's

like at some point they get this like

light bulb that goes off above their

head like a a flip a switch flips in

their mind and then suddenly they get it

and it's really awesome but it's really

hard for me to try to explain this so I

I think it's really stressing my

abilities as a teacher so please try to

stay with me please try to get what I'm

saying because I think it'll really help

a lot and if that doesn't work out

remember it's not you it's me

so let's start by actually looking at

narcissism which if we really stop and

think about it for a second taking

things personally is a feature of

narcissism right so I want youall to

think about the people in your life that

you know who are narcissistic thankfully

one of the interesting positive sides

for the skyrocketing rate of narcissism

that we see due to things like the

internet is now at least everyone has

seen a narcissist and maybe you are a

little bit narcissistic it's what the

internet and social media is doing to us

we all watch videos on the internet

because we want to change the problem is

that even though we keep watching them

we don't necessarily change I want to

talk to you all about our coaching

program and if you're not interested

just jump forward 20 seconds and get

straight to the video but if you're

someone who is ready to actually make

change if you want to see outcomes in 6

8 12 weeks if you guys are struggling

with problems like career stuff burnout

stuff social skills low self-esteem if

you're trying to struggle to motivate

yourself to actually act that's what we

built a coaching program for check out

the link in the description below to see

how coaching can help you and now on to

the video so here is a narcissist I

guess they are green and what happens is

let's say that you are over here and you

say to the narcissist hey I don't like

this thing that you do right so let's

say that you have a narcissist who

always shows up drunk they are drinking

all the time this is a bottle of beer I

it looks like lipstick I look look y'all

don't watch me for the art okay so let's

say they they always show up drunk and

you tell the narcissistic person hey I

don't like this thing that you are doing

and how does the narcissistic person

respond the narcissistic person is like

oh my God I don't know what I can do to

make you happy I've tried everything I

do everything they take it so personally

right they're like I've tried everything

I don't know how to make you happy like

this is a relationship that I can't win

in they play the victim card and instead

of focusing on this problem over here

they take things personally this is a

defect of them as a person and if it

becomes a defect of them as a person

they don't actually fix this right

that's like what happens with the

narcissistic defense mechanism is that

they start playing the victim and then

they never actually have to create their

behavior they start saying all this crap

they make you feel guilty and they like

they never actually change because they

don't understand that the problem is

over here and instead you know they sort

of make the problem over here and this

is exactly the problem with taking

things personally now let's flip things

around so let's say that you are going

through a breakup with someone and the

person says it's not you it's me and if

they say the problem isn't you it's me

and you take that personally where do

you think the problem is the problem is

over here right and you're like oh my

God like what did I do wrong like I knew

I'm pathetic I I know that you're seeing

someone else like whatever kinds of

negative thoughts happen but you

internalize the problem that's what it

means to take something person

personally now this creates a huge

problem because sometimes you're

actually right and there is a problem

within you but even in this case you

don't know what that problem is right

because they're not saying this is the

reason I'm breaking up with you that

there's an external reason over here

they're actually saying that the problem

is not you at all so even in the event

that they the problem does lie with you

you still don't know what it is and you

can't really take corrective action

there's another

devastating possibility which is that

this person is actually being honest

that they are going through some stuff

in their life right now where they're

not ready for a relationship there

really is nothing wrong with you and

then what happens is you feel bad and

the other problem is that there is no

corrective action to take see if you're

dating someone and they no longer want

to be with you because of they're

that they're going through there's

nothing you can do to actually fix that

so there's no corrective action so

there's no improvement that you can make

but you feel bad and then you will

further rack your

brain thinking what is wrong what is

wrong what is wrong what do I need to

fix what do I need to fix what do I need

to fix and this in turn leads to low

self-esteem which in turn leads to more

narcissistic defense mechanisms right

there's not actually anything to fix

because the problem isn't within you but

the moment that you take it personally

you beat yourself up the problem is you

you don't really know what to fix and

this becomes a huge problem so what is

the alternative so this is what I work

with with my patients which is is what

we actually want to do is accept the

appropriate responsibility let's say

that I go for an interview at Google and

there is some kind of Le code interview

okay so the skill is lead code and then

here is some prospective employer I go

to the interview and they say sorry you

don't get the job now in this situation

I have two choices I can take things

personally oh my God I knew I wasn't C

cut out for this I really suck at this

like oh my God like you take it

personally right the defect is within

you it is a part of your identity it is

an identity defect and this is exactly

how narcissists feel by the way right so

they feel like there isn't oh no it's

not you just don't like me it's not that

you don't like how I always steal your

or I'm always drunk or I have no

compassion for you or I don't listen to

what you say or how I prioritize all my

needs above yours it's none of that

stuff you just dislike me I can't win

right because what they see is they see

the problem is over here and I want

youall to think about this if you were a

shitty human what is the solution to

that if the problem is in your identity

you cannot change your identity it is

not actionable information so

interestingly enough if you go through

an interview and you don't get hired and

some people will take this personally

the defect is in here but this is not

actionable so when I work with my

patients what I try to help them do is

see what the actual defect effect is

right what we actually want to do is

externalize the problem from ourselves

when we externalize the problem from

ourselves we open ourselves up to

accepting

responsibility and we also create a path

of action the reason I didn't get hired

is not because I am a screwed up human

being the reason I did not get hired I

know this is shocking is because there

is a insufficiency of the skills that I

presented and I want youall to think

about that right that's literally what

not taking things personally is it is

not the problem isn't me it is there's

this thing that I need to work on even

in the case of a breakup right if

someone says I need someone who's more

emotionally available and if you're not

careful you will take that personally

and you'll be like oh my God how am I

ever like there's nothing I can do about

that this is who I am right this is who

I am it's deterministic it's fatalistic

and it's exactly how narcissists talk

they never actually address their

problem s which is why so going back to

the narcissist right if I have a problem

Behavior over here right like drinking

and someone says this is the problem but

the narcissist places the blame over

here they take things personally then

what that means is they never actually

correct this this continues again and

again and again the behavior continues

forever so the more that they take

things personally the less they actually

fix things in their life which

propagates the cycle and is what creates

the life of a narcissist which is that

no one ever likes me I don't know what I

can do differently I've tried so hard

everyone hates me and then they ignore

their behaviors over and over and over

again so now what we can do with some

something super cool we can use the

blindness of a narcissism to shed light

on our own lives and when we take things

personally we are literally doing the

same thing here is you and here is your

behavior and if you see the problem over

here instead of see the problem over

here because we as human beings are not

good at seeing problems in two places we

tend to look at just one problem right

oh yeah it's not you it's me or I'm the

problem in the relationship or you're

the problem in the relationship shared

responsibility is scary and way more

complicated so what this does is when we

see th things over here we do not see

what is in here and then we can't take

corrective action so instead what we

want to do and this is what's

revolutionary for my patients is when I

help them see that you are actually

totally fine as a human being it is this

behavior that you need to change and

what I tend to find with my patients is

when they start to realize this not only

do they feel better right because now

I'm not a poos over here and they can

take corrective action and this is what

taking responsibility means so you can

take corrective action and then as these

problems start getting better their

relationships start improving their

performance starts improving everything

gets better and they feel better because

they don't feel like a POS because they

recognize that the problem is outside of

myself if the problem is outside of

myself there is a clearer way to fix it

so how do we go about doing that so

literally what I want you all to do is

to anytime you take something personally

I want you to try to remove yourself

from the equation so in try to practice

a little bit of empathy put yourself in

the other person's shoes and ask

yourself what do they actually see what

is the behavior what are the words what

what is the visible expression it is not

identity right cuz they have no sense of

like who your identity is like that's

not a thing that they can see there are

going to be certain things that you are

doing saying certain ways that you're

acting that the other person is going to

perceive so the first thing that you

need to do is look through the eyes of

the other person which by the way is the

exact deficit that narcissists have

right so even if we look at

evidence-based treatment for narcissism

one of the treatments is something

called mentalization based therapy and

in mentalization based therapy literally

what we're training these people to do

is see things through other people eyes

so ask yourself if you get something

that makes you feel bad and you're

taking it personally you feel like a POS

look at the other person's perspective

and ask what are they seeing now the

other thing that you can do is literally

ask them what are you seeing that I'm

doing what are the behaviors that bother

you what are the words that bother you

like help me understand so what we want

to do is try to externalize our

perception and look at ourselves or look

at what they see the next thing that we

want to do is try to focus on when when

when you say I am a p o s and you take

things personally that is going to

result in once again certain

manifestations so what are the

manifestations is it that I don't text

people back fast enough is it that what

is what are the manifestations of being

a POS and as you examine the

manifestations you're going to start to

discover things over here and then comes

the most important step is once you

start to isolate these things and this

is the beautiful thing they don't even

need to be right right so a lot of my

patients will get hung up what if what

if I'm wrong about this right what if

I'm wrong about let's say this person

says I'm not invested in the friendship

and I ask them okay what what does this

person see well they text me and I don't

text them back and then my patients will

ask well what if I'm wrong what if

that's the wrong thing and that's not

really the problem that that is in the

relationship this is where I say I don't

care what what do you how do you feel

about texting people back more

frequently like do you think that would

improve your life in some way do you

think that that could help may help your

other relationships as well so as you

take this as you take this approach

you're going to start to isolate these

kinds of things and then you're going to

start working on them this is what we

mean by accepting responsibility you're

going to start to fix those actions and

the Beautiful Thing is as you start to

fix those actions you separate things

from your ego as you separate things

from your ego and you start to take the

right action you remove bad feelings and

bad outcomes and if you stop and really

think about it right so we're going to

end by talking about the narcissists

what is it that the narcissist never

does they never change their

Behavior they never change what

they say they keep on insisting that the

problem is within them but the whole

reason that it's so infuriating is

because they do not focus on the things

that are outside of them and so if you

want to take things less personally it

will help you so much practice a little

bit of empathy look at what other people

are seeing and you don't get to answer

with they're seeing a loser that is not

something you can see right even in the

case of a loser what is a loser maybe

it's someone who's overweight maybe it's

someone who doesn't wear properly

fitting clothing maybe it's someone who

doesn't it doesn't groom themselves

properly boom action item number one

action item number two action item

number three so literally look at things

through other people's eyes look at

things look at the manifestations of

what you feel makes you take things

personally and then focus on those

things it'll improve your life and it'll

proove the way that you feel last thing

is that there are a couple of other

things involved with this things like

ego and stuff like that we have other

sources that we talk about the

relationship of what activates the ego

because taking things personally is a

narcissist defense mechanism there's

certain meditation techniques and things

like that check out our videos on ego we

actually have a resource pack that's all

about ego and confidence and then we

also have things in in stuff like Dr K's

guide to meditation um the trauma guide

and then the last thing that is very

very

helpful is when we have trouble seeing

things the way that they are this is

really what our coaching program excels

at so the reason that their outcomes are

so good is because they are they're very

good at being an external lens for you

right so if you're having trouble

putting yourself in someone else's shoes

or seeing what they see that's exactly

what a coach is for they're there to

look at things from the outside and

share that information with you in an

actionable way so depending on what

y'all are interested check out more

stuff thanks for making it to the end of

the video and let us know if this

actually makes sense to you or not so is

it you or is it me or does it work out

or let us know

oh

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