THIS Is What Happens When You Stop Talking To A Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

Summary

This video explores what happens when you stop talking to someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style, particularly after a breakup. It explains the common emotional patterns they go through, such as becoming more avoidant, repressing emotions, and relying on creature comforts. Over time, they may shift to their anxious side and possibly reach out indirectly. The video also offers advice on how to reconnect with them while avoiding overwhelming their avoidant tendencies. Additionally, it introduces resources for healing from breakups and managing attachment dynamics in relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 Fearful avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized or anxious-avoidant, is marked by a push-pull dynamic in relationships, where individuals desire closeness but fear it when it occurs.
• 😥 After a breakup, fearful avoidants often become more avoidant and may rationalize that they are fine, while repressing their emotions.
• 📺 Fearful avoidants may cope with their emotions by indulging in creature comforts like binge-watching TV, drinking, or other forms of detachment from the external world.
• 📉 Over time, the avoidant tendencies start to fade, and they struggle to continue repressing their emotions, leading them to eventually feel their suppressed feelings.
• 📱 As they begin to acknowledge their emotions, they may shift into a more anxious attachment phase and attempt indirect contact, such as liking social media posts or sending accidental messages.
• 📴 If the fearful avoidant’s outreach is met with rejection or no response, they are likely to revert to avoidant behavior again, becoming cold and distant.
• 🚦 It's important to navigate a relationship with a fearful avoidant by moving at a measured pace to avoid overwhelming them, which could trigger their avoidant side.
• 💬 Healing from a breakup requires grieving and understanding emotional patterns, allowing both partners to address core wounds, establish boundaries, and avoid repeating negative relationship dynamics.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Taking time after a breakup to reflect on what went wrong can empower both partners to grow and prevent falling into old patterns of attachment.
• 🏫 The speaker offers a course to help individuals heal from breakups, navigate attachment styles, and reprogram their relationships in a healthy way.

Q & A

What is a fearful avoidant attachment style?

Fearful avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized or anxious avoidant, is characterized by a tendency to want closeness but also fear intimacy. This results in a push-pull dynamic where the individual becomes both anxious and avoidant in relationships.

How does a fearful avoidant react after a breakup?

After a breakup, fearful avoidants typically become more avoidant. They tend to push people away, repress their emotions, and rely on creature comforts like binge-watching TV, drinking, or smoking to cope.

Why do fearful avoidants initially become avoidant after a breakup?

Fearful avoidants become avoidant as a defense mechanism. When faced with intense emotions, such as those triggered by a breakup, they repress their feelings and distance themselves from others to avoid confronting their pain.

What are 'creature comforts' in the context of a fearful avoidant's coping mechanisms?

Creature comforts refer to habits or activities that fearful avoidants use to self-soothe when avoiding emotional distress. This can include activities like drinking, smoking, binge-watching TV, or withdrawing from the external world.

What happens when you go no contact with a fearful avoidant after a breakup?

When you go no contact with a fearful avoidant, they initially become more avoidant. Over time, they struggle to rationalize their feelings and begin to feel their emotions, leading them to possibly miss the person and become more anxious.

How do fearful avoidants express their emotions once they start feeling them after a breakup?

Fearful avoidants may start to reach out indirectly, such as liking a social media post, sending an old memory or picture, or pretending to contact someone by accident. This shows a shift from avoidance to anxiety, although they still try to maintain emotional distance.

What should you be mindful of when reconnecting with a fearful avoidant?

When reconnecting with a fearful avoidant, it’s important not to move too fast or pressure them. They need time to rebuild trust and feel safe. Rushing can cause them to retreat into their avoidant side again.

How long does it typically take for a fearful avoidant to move from avoidance to anxiety after a breakup?

It usually takes about three to six weeks for a fearful avoidant to shift from their avoidant side to their anxious side after a breakup.

What is the 'Goldilocks' zone when reconnecting with a fearful avoidant?

The 'Goldilocks' zone refers to finding a balance when reconnecting with a fearful avoidant. You need to go slow enough that the avoidant doesn’t feel overwhelmed, but also ensure there’s enough communication to avoid slipping back into old patterns.

What are some key strategies for healing after a breakup with a fearful avoidant?

Key strategies include taking time to process emotions, avoiding emotionally driven decisions, and engaging in healthy communication to address core wounds, boundaries, and unmet needs. It’s also important to heal from the breakup before considering rekindling the relationship.

Outlines

00:00

🔄 Understanding Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

This paragraph introduces the video topic, focusing on what happens when someone stops talking to a person with a fearful avoidant attachment style, particularly after a breakup. It explains that fearful avoidant attachment is one of four attachment styles, marked by a push-pull dynamic where individuals crave closeness but become distant when others get too close. This creates a cycle of both anxious and avoidant behaviors, affecting relationships deeply. Fearful avoidants tend to become more avoidant following a breakup.

05:02

❄️ Fearful Avoidants: Emotional Withdrawal and Avoidance

Here, the video explores how fearful avoidants cope with emotional pain, especially after significant stressors like breakups or betrayals. It highlights that these individuals often become more avoidant, withdrawing into their comfort zones (e.g., binge-watching, drinking) to soothe themselves. The avoidance response is stronger when the emotional pain is more intense, and they often suppress their feelings during this phase.

10:03

🌀 The Anxious Phase and Reaching Out

This paragraph explains the third phase where the fearful avoidant attachment style shifts from avoidance to anxiety over time, typically within three to six weeks. As their rationalizations weaken and suppressed emotions resurface, they may start missing the person they distanced themselves from. This often leads them to reach out indirectly, for example, through social media posts or 'accidental' phone calls. However, if they feel rejected after reaching out, they may revert to their avoidant behavior.

⏳ Rekindling Relationships: Finding Balance

The video then discusses how fearful avoidants may navigate re-engagement in relationships. They often oscillate between anxious and avoidant behavior, which is why it’s important not to rush the process of reconnection. Fearful avoidants need time to re-evaluate the relationship and ensure it doesn't repeat previous patterns. The key is to balance reconnection without overwhelming them to avoid triggering their avoidance tendencies again.

🎓 Healing Resources and Support

This section introduces a personal development school offering lifetime memberships with resources for understanding and healing from attachment styles. It includes access to over 60 courses, daily social support groups, and webinars led by counselors. The school focuses on emotional connection, relationships, and personal growth, providing a structured path for participants to work on themselves in various areas of their lives.

💡 Final Thoughts on Fearful Avoidants and Breakups

The video concludes by emphasizing the importance of healing from breakups with a balanced emotional approach. It encourages viewers to avoid making decisions from a place of emotional vulnerability and instead work through their feelings to reach a healthier state. The video invites comments and questions and encourages viewers to subscribe for more content on emotional health and personal growth.

Keywords

💡Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style, also referred to as disorganized or anxious avoidant, is a way people relate to others in relationships. Individuals with this attachment style experience a push-pull dynamic where they crave closeness but also fear intimacy. In the video, this is discussed in the context of how fearful avoidants handle breakups, often becoming more avoidant and emotionally detached initially.

💡Push-Pull Dynamic

The push-pull dynamic refers to the behavior where someone alternates between seeking closeness (push) and distancing themselves (pull) from others. In the video, the fearful avoidant exhibits this behavior by wanting connection but pulling away when things become too intimate or overwhelming, particularly after a breakup.

💡Creature Comforts

Creature comforts are simple physical comforts or habits that people use to soothe themselves, such as binge-watching TV or indulging in unhealthy habits like drinking or smoking. In the video, fearful avoidants are said to rely on these comforts when they feel overwhelmed after a breakup, using them to avoid dealing with their emotions.

💡Repression

Repression is the unconscious act of pushing away thoughts, emotions, or memories that are too painful or difficult to deal with. The video explains that fearful avoidants often repress their emotions after a breakup, going cold and distant to avoid feeling hurt.

💡No Contact

No contact refers to the decision to stop all forms of communication with someone, often used after a breakup as a method to heal. The video explores how a fearful avoidant initially copes with no contact by rationalizing that they are fine, but over time, they may struggle to maintain emotional detachment and eventually start to feel their emotions.

💡Anxious Side

The anxious side refers to the part of a fearful avoidant’s attachment style where they feel insecure and crave reassurance or connection. In the video, it’s mentioned that after a period of avoidance, fearful avoidants may transition to this anxious state and attempt indirect forms of contact, like posting on social media or reaching out with excuses.

💡Rationalization

Rationalization is a defense mechanism where people create logical explanations for behaviors or feelings that may be rooted in deeper emotions they want to avoid. In the video, fearful avoidants rationalize their feelings post-breakup, convincing themselves that they don't miss the person or are better off alone as a way to cope with the emotional discomfort.

💡Avoidance Side

The avoidance side refers to the tendency of fearful avoidants to emotionally withdraw and distance themselves from others when things become too overwhelming. In the video, after a breakup, a fearful avoidant will first lean into their avoidance side, pushing others away and repressing their emotions to protect themselves from hurt.

💡Indirect Reaching Out

Indirect reaching out is a subtle or less direct form of communication used by fearful avoidants when they miss someone but are afraid of being vulnerable. Examples in the video include liking social media posts, sending old photos, or 'accidentally' calling the person as a way to test the waters without fully committing to reaching out.

💡Rekindling

Rekindling refers to the process of reconnecting and possibly rebuilding a relationship that has ended. In the video, rekindling is discussed as something that needs to be approached carefully with a fearful avoidant, ensuring that old patterns aren't repeated and that both parties take time to address issues before resuming the relationship.

Highlights

Fearful avoidant attachment style is one of four attachment styles, also referred to as disorganized or anxious avoidant.

Fearful avoidants experience a push-pull dynamic, wanting closeness but pushing others away when they get too close.

After a breakup, fearful avoidants become more avoidant, coping by pushing people away and repressing emotions.

With small issues, fearful avoidants may lean on others for support, but with more significant emotional events, they withdraw completely.

Fearful avoidants often rely on creature comforts like binge-watching, drinking, or smoking to soothe their emotions post-breakup.

Eventually, they struggle to maintain emotional repression and begin to acknowledge their feelings after a few weeks of no contact.

Fearful avoidants may shift to their anxious side, engaging in indirect attempts to reconnect, such as liking posts on social media or accidental calls.

If fearful avoidants face rejection during their anxious phase, they revert to avoidant behavior, shutting down again.

If reconnection is handled carefully, fearful avoidants may become more anxiously attached and rebuild the relationship cautiously.

It’s crucial not to pressure fearful avoidants into reconnecting too quickly, as they may shut down if they feel overwhelmed.

For long-term relationship success, both parties must discuss boundaries, core wounds, and changes needed to avoid repeating past patterns.

Rebuilding a relationship with a fearful avoidant requires patience, careful communication, and vetting the relationship over several weeks.

Fearful avoidants may need four to six weeks to process their feelings and reach a balanced emotional state.

Personal development strategies, such as understanding grief and attachment styles, help both fearful avoidants and their partners heal and improve relationships.

The personal development school offers a variety of courses, social support groups, and webinars to assist individuals in navigating attachment issues and relationships.

Transcripts

so in today's video we are going to talk

about what happens when you stop talking

to a fearful avoidant we'll cover

particularly after a breakup but we'll

also talk about this in the context of

friends family relationships

Etc so first and foremost if you're not

familiar with fearful avoid and

attachment style it's one of four

attachment Styles or love Styles and you

can think of your attachment Styles

essentially being the subconscious set

of rules you have about how to give and

receive love with others fearful

avoidance are also sometimes referred to

as disorganized attachment Styles or

anxious avoidant attachment Styles but

we really call them fearful avoidance

the most on this channel and they

essentially have you know every person

has an attachment Style by the way but

the fearful avoidant has this sort of

capacity to be both hot and cold both

anxious and avoidant they they um you

know want closeness but then when people

get too close they're like get back so

they're in this constant Push Pull

within the relationship to themselves

which obviously translates into the

relationships with others so after a

breakup this sort of hot and cold

attachment style usually goes through

some really interesting things the first

thing we'll often see for fearful

avoidant attachment Styles is that after

a breakup they become more avoidant so

after a breakup initially happens they

usually cope by pushing people away this

is a really interesting Dynamic of

fearful wooden attachment style as a

whole which is that fearful avoidance

with small things like small things that

are bothering them will try to soo

through others so things where like

they're in an argument with a co-worker

or they're frustrated with their boss at

work they'll often become more in their

anxious side and try to suo through

others around those things not always

but oftentimes but with the really big

things the really really painful things

a really bad breakup a big betrayal a

lot of fear about something usually with

those things that are kind of clocking

like a nine or 10 out of 10 on the

emotional um intensity scale I'll see

the fearful wood become very avoidant

really go into their much more avoidant

side clam up shut down push people away

become ice cold and so you know if the

breakup is something that's happening

where you've been dating somebody for

you know a week or two and it's sort of

like an ending the the chatting

situation you have going on though we

might see the the fearful Point lean in

more anxious but generally with like an

actual breakup if there's a lot of care

in the relationship if there's a decent

relationship history the first thing of

of three or four major things we'll see

here um is that the fearful W will

become extra avoidant and the fearful

avoidant in this space May rationalize

quite well to themselves like okay this

is over I'm fine it's not a big deal for

me I'm more free and fearful avoidance

in this case they also tend to repress

their emotions so when they go kind of

more cold and they go more into their

avoidance side they may rely heavily on

Creature Comforts they may go out and

drink more they may smoke they may um

you know really avoid you know binge

watch television sort of detach from the

external world and really rely on their

Creature Comforts to soothe when they're

in that really avoidant side and that's

a the second major thing that we'll see

here they they kind of go more avoidant

than they go into their Creature

Comforts now eventually if you

completely stop talking to the fful

wooden and they go you go no contact

with them

eventually they have a difficult time

sort of rationalizing that okay I don't

miss the person at all I'm not impacted

by the situation at all I don't care

these sorts of things that they'll tell

themselves really is a mechanism to

soothe right really is a mechanism to

try to like make themselves feel okay

about a situation that feels really

uncomfortable and so you know if you are

the fearful avoidant listening to this

too by the way um it's beneficial to

recognize yourself in these patterns so

that you can then Soo in a healthier way

which will also help you heal faster

through anything that you're you're

going through so in a romantic

relationship friendship these types of

things a breakup a going no contact with

a family member we'll often see again

the same patterns follow suit like go

really into the avoidance side and then

start relying on the Creature Comforts

now the third thing that then happens in

all of these different Dynamics is then

eventually enough time passes where

number one they they can't rationalize

forever um and and so they start sort of

and and number two they have a hard time

like not repressing their feelings I'm

still on number three in total but it's

like 3A and 3B so they have a hard time

not repressing ing their feelings for

that long so eventually they'll start to

kind of feel their feelings a little bit

and then they will get into their

feelings and they'll start to kind of

recognize that they do miss somebody and

this brings us to number four where they

may even move to their anxious side they

may do things to reach out indirectly to

a person like something that they post

on social media send something that's um

you know an old memory or a picture um

call somebody and say they bought dial

them like you know we we'll see these

types of Dynamics with a fearful wom

they'll go into their anxious side but

they'll still it's like their anxious

side passing through the fact that they

still have an voidance side as well and

they don't want to be too vulnerable

they don't want to open up too much and

so when you stop talking to them they'll

ultim ultimately move into that anxious

side but usually it takes about you know

three to six weeks we're generally

seeing in a romantic relationship but

the same types of things apply like post

um friendship breakup um post you know

uh family members going no contact with

one another we'll tend to see these

sorts of Dynamics and from there then we

have like this sort of different path

that opens up by the way I will just say

one thing here too which is that if you

are going through breakup or you're

moving through like a no contact with a

friendship a romantic relationship

family relationship you can check out

are how to heal from a breakup course it

applies to all types of breakups or sort

of distance and relationships it's based

on principles of grief and the whole

course is designed to help you literally

heal as quickly as possible like

literally understand the principles of

grief why we grieve people and exactly

the subconscious things you can do

there's four main steps to take a lot of

that sting out of your grieving process

by like 30 40 maybe even 50% in the time

it takes to complete the course it's

only a couple hours so it really will

help you FASTT track The Grieving by

understanding it and then applying

principles to root cause so um going

back to this though is eventually when

we see the the fearful wooden go into a

space of becoming

um anxious either they will reach out

indirectly and if they feel rejected

when they reach out they'll return to

their avoidant side so if they do reach

out to you and you don't answer their

call or you don't text them back they

will become very avoidant and back into

that really cold side or um if you do

connect they may become more anxiously

attached and sort of Leaning into their

anxious side and start to sort of pick

up seam in the connection but if you

move too fast to getting things back on

track to the way that they were the

fearful void will shut back down again

so we talk a lot about like kind of this

Goldilocks like this middle Zone that

you want to stay in where if you are

reconnecting and potentially rekindling

with a fearful ofo you don't want to go

too much too soon and if you are the

fearful ofoen thinking of rekindling you

don't want to do that to yourself either

you want to take the time to vet

somebody to make sure you're not

repeating the same old patterns or just

jumping back into the same type of

relationship from the getg go so by

vetting somebody and taking your time

over the next four to six weeks to have

different discussions about what wasn't

working what you can do better what

boundaries you need to have what core

wounds you each need to be accountable

of on your side of the relationship you

actually Empower yourself to get back on

track in a more effective Manner and

that will be really important for the

relationship to actually work whether

it's a friendship a romantic

relationship a family relationship but

you also want to make sure if you're the

loved one up a fearful of w you're not

pressuring them too much to move too

quickly or they will go back to that

avoidance side because they'll fear

things being repeated and then you'll

you'll see that whole cycle kind of

rehash from the start so I just wanted

to stop by here and let you know a

really exciting announcement and is that

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number three we have daily webinars

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you can come in on camera we can chat

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hope you check it out we also have all

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well and there's a tremendous amount of

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so I would love to see you on the other

side I hope you join me and now we'll go

back to the video so I hope this gave

you a lot of insight into what happens

when you stop talking to a fearful

avoidance if you want to do that deeper

dive into healing from a breakup moving

through some of the different pain

points and challenges um it can be very

beneficial to even prepare you for maybe

getting back into the relationship

because you're not grieving and making

decisions from that really emotionally

based place but more from a a more

balanced emotional place as well so

that's it for today let me know

questions you have down below comments

more content you want to see like this

let me know thank you so much for

watching and I look forward to seeing

you in the future videos and I hope you

become a subscriber to this Channel and

join our community thank

you