3 Things To Never Say To Your Toddler (And What to Say Instead)
Summary
TLDRThis script discusses the impact of common phrases used with toddlers and suggests alternatives for fostering their development. It explains why saying 'Be careful' can be counterproductive, as it creates fear without teaching risk assessment. Instead, specific instructions and reassurances are recommended. The script also advises against using 'I'm leaving without you' to enforce obedience, as it can breed insecurity. It suggests acknowledging feelings and setting clear boundaries. Lastly, it warns against negative attention from saying 'Don't do this,' proposing positive directives instead. The video aims to empower parents to guide toddlers effectively, promoting safety, confidence, and independence.
Takeaways
- 👶 Saying 'Be careful' to toddlers can create fear without teaching them to identify danger, potentially hindering their willingness to explore and learn.
- 🛑 Using vague warnings like 'Be careful' is less effective than providing specific instructions to guide children's behavior.
- 🚼 Encouraging toddlers to take manageable risks is crucial for fostering self-confidence, independence, and overall development.
- 🤔 Asking questions like 'Do you feel safe?' can prompt toddlers to consider their safety instead of instilling fear.
- 👋 The phrase 'Bye, I'm leaving now!' can make toddlers feel insecure and anxious as they take such statements literally.
- 🏡 When leaving a fun activity, acknowledging the child's feelings and offering positive reasons to leave can make the transition smoother.
- 🚫 Instead of saying 'Don't throw your food,' instruct toddlers positively with what they should do, which is easier for them to understand.
- 🎉 Praising toddlers with generic terms like 'clever' or 'smart' may not be as effective as more specific and genuine praise.
- 🌟 To build self-esteem, it's important to praise toddlers in a way that encourages exploration and acknowledges their efforts.
- ❌ Avoid using phrases that can inadvertently teach toddlers to disregard your warnings by not following through on threats.
Q & A
Why is telling your toddler to 'Be careful' potentially problematic?
-Telling your toddler to 'Be careful' signals danger without explaining what that danger is or how to avoid it. Over time, this can make them fearful of trying new things, reducing their ability to explore and grow confidently.
What are the unintended negative impacts of frequently using the phrase 'Be careful'?
-Using 'Be careful' can cause toddlers to become fearful of new experiences, limiting their willingness to take manageable risks, which are crucial for their development. This can also lead to reduced self-confidence and a reliance on seeking parental approval before attempting anything new.
What are some alternatives to saying 'Be careful'?
-Instead of saying 'Be careful', offer specific instructions like 'Put the stick down, you might hurt someone.' Or, ask them to assess their safety with questions like 'Do you feel safe?' or provide reassurance by saying 'I'm right here if you need me.'
How can parents balance their own fears while encouraging their child to take risks?
-Parents can support their child by staying close enough to intervene if needed, offering reassurance like 'I'm right here if you need me' without giving the impression that the activity is dangerous.
What should you do if your toddler resists leaving a fun activity?
-Acknowledge their feelings by saying, 'You're having so much fun, it's hard to leave.' Set boundaries, 'But it's time to go home now,' and make leaving enticing by mentioning fun things awaiting them at home. Offer choices, like 'Would you like to walk or should I carry you?'
Why is saying 'I'm leaving now!' a bad strategy to get a toddler to leave?
-Toddlers take things literally, and saying 'I'm leaving now!' may make them anxious, believing they could be abandoned. Over time, this can damage trust and make them feel insecure about their parents' love and presence.
How can parents discourage unwanted behaviors like food throwing?
-Instead of saying 'Stop throwing your food!', tell the toddler what they should do instead, like 'Food stays on the table or goes in your mouth.' This makes it easier for them to understand and reduces the temptation to repeat the unwanted behavior for attention.
What is the problem with saying 'Don't throw your food' to a toddler?
-When parents say 'Don't throw your food,' toddlers may get confused about what they should do instead. The negative reaction also gives them attention, which can encourage the behavior. Clear instructions on what to do are more effective.
How can using clear instructions instead of 'no', 'don't', or 'stop' benefit your toddler?
-Clear instructions help toddlers understand exactly what is expected of them, reducing frustration and boosting their confidence. They feel more capable when they know what to do, which supports their emotional development.
Why is giving genuine praise like 'You're so smart!' potentially harmful?
-Phrases like 'You're so smart!' may unintentionally create pressure to always be seen as smart, leading toddlers to avoid challenges. Instead, parents should focus on praising specific actions or efforts, which encourages a growth mindset and builds resilience.
Outlines
👶 The Pitfalls of 'Be Careful'
This paragraph discusses the common yet ineffective practice of telling toddlers to 'Be careful' without providing specific guidance. It explains that such a vague warning can instill fear without teaching children how to identify or avoid danger. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of encouraging toddlers to take manageable risks for their development, which helps in building self-confidence and independence. It suggests alternative phrases and actions that parents can use to guide their children more effectively, such as providing clear instructions or asking questions that prompt the child to consider their safety.
🚫 Avoid Using 'I'm Leaving Without You'
The second paragraph addresses the negative impact of using threats like 'I'm leaving without you' to manipulate a toddler's behavior. It points out that toddlers take such statements literally, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and anxiety. The paragraph advises against using empty threats and instead recommends a more empathetic approach that acknowledges the child's feelings, sets boundaries, and offers choices to make leaving less stressful. This method is said to reinforce trust and the child's sense of being loved unconditionally.
🍽 Redirecting Unwanted Behaviors
The third paragraph tackles the common issue of toddlers engaging in undesirable behaviors and the typical parental response of telling them what not to do. It argues that such a negative approach can actually reinforce the undesired action due to the attention it receives. Instead, the paragraph suggests instructing toddlers on what they should do, which is clearer and more effective for them to follow. This approach is said to reduce frustration and boost the child's confidence and self-esteem by focusing on positive guidance rather than constant prohibitions.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Be careful
💡Development
💡Fear response
💡Manageable risks
💡Specific instructions
💡Self-confidence
💡Independence
💡Empty threats
💡Trust
💡Alternative phrases
Highlights
Reminding children to 'Be careful' frequently can have unintended negative impacts on their development.
The phrase 'Be careful' does not teach children how to identify dangerous situations.
Using 'Be careful' can create a sense of fear without teaching children how to avoid danger.
Encouraging toddlers to take manageable risks is vital for their development.
Fear of the unknown can lead to a reluctance to explore and try new things.
Toddlers need to learn how to navigate challenges to foster self-confidence and independence.
Instead of 'Be careful', provide specific instructions to guide children's actions.
Asking questions like 'Do you feel safe?' can encourage children to consider their safety.
Reassurance such as 'I'm right here if you need me' can provide safety without instilling fear.
Using phrases like 'Bye, I'm leaving now!' can make toddlers feel insecure and anxious.
Toddlers take threats of being left behind literally, which can erode trust.
Instead of threatening to leave, acknowledge the child's feelings and set boundaries.
Creating positive reasons for leaving can make the transition easier for both parent and child.
Offering choices can help toddlers feel in control and part of the decision-making process.
Saying 'Don't throw your food' can encourage the undesired behavior by giving attention.
Instead of telling toddlers what not to do, tell them what to do to guide their behavior effectively.
Using praise like 'You're so clever!' might not be the most effective way to boost a toddler's self-esteem.
Research suggests that the way praise is given can significantly impact a child's development.
Transcripts
Whether your toddler is getting ready to go down the slide at the playground,
trying to climb a rock or piece of play equipment, climbing furniture at home,
or one of the million other potentially dangerous things toddlers get up to on a daily basis,
reminding them to "Be careful" is something you might often do without even thinking.
Of course, we all want to keep our children safe, and so with that in mind,
reminding them to be cautious seems to make perfect sense.
But telling them to "Be careful" doesn't teach your child how to identify dangerous situations
or keep themselves safe. In fact, using this phrase frequently can have unintended negative
impacts on all aspects of their development, and it's not the only one. There are two other phrases
that I'm also going to share in this video that seem effective in the short term but aren't great
for medium to long term development. And don't worry, you'll also learn some phrases to use
instead that are much more effective. Now you're probably wondering how saying a simple phrase can
impact development. And I know it sounds strange, but here's how. When you tell your toddler to be
careful, you signal to them that there is danger, but they have no idea what that danger is or how
to avoid it. They just know that this person I trust is telling me that I'm in danger and I
should be scared. Now this may be effective at preventing them in doing whatever they're doing
in that moment by creating an immediate sense of fear. But over the long term, it can have
unintended negative impacts on all aspects of their development. The problem is they feel that
sense of fear, but they don't know what exactly they should be fearful of or what is creating the
danger that you're warning them about. Over time, this leads them to be less willing to explore and
try new things as they start to worry that everything new is potentially dangerous.
And this is where the problem lies. Encouraging your toddler to take manageable risks is vital
for their development. These experiences allow them to test their limits, learn about themselves
and navigate challenges. And this helps to foster self-confidence and independence. But if they're
always fearful of going outside their comfort zone, their ability to push their limits and
extend their skills is reduced. And as a result, this reduces the number of developmental
opportunities they experience on a daily basis. This isn't just limited to their fine and gross
motor development. The reluctance to go outside their comfort zone can also have a flow-on effect
in regards to their social and cognitive development. This sense of fear can also foster
dependence as they begin seeking your approval before attempting anything new. Now, as with
anything, there are varying degrees to this. I'm not saying you should never tell your toddler to
"Be careful." However, there are other phrases that you can use that are more effective. So next time
you're about to say "Be careful" as they're about to do something adventurous, here are a couple of
options that you could consider using instead. Let's say your child is swinging a stick around
in the middle of a crowded playground. In this case, you want them to stop what they're doing.
But rather than saying "Be careful", you want to provide specific instructions. For example,
you might say "Put the stick on the ground. You might hurt someone." In this case, they know
exactly what you want them to do. Whereas "Be careful" is vague. This means you're more likely
to get an immediate positive result. By also saying you might hurt someone, you're avoiding
that fear response. Rather than feeling like they're in danger, they understand why you want
them to put the stick down. Now, there may be situations where you don't want them to stop what
they're doing, but you do want them to consider their safety. In these cases, you can encourage
them to consider their safety by asking questions like "Do you feel safe?" Or offering reassurance with
"You can do this, just take your time." And sometimes it's us as parents who are fearful, which let's
face it, it's quite often the case if you've got a toddler. Now that's perfectly normal. And if and
when this happens, you want to think about how you can support them in order to help alleviate your
fears. For example, if they're climbing a tree or the monkey bars, instead of saying be careful,
stand close by so that you can catch them if needed and casually say "I'm right here if you
need me." That way you're not giving a sense of what you're doing is dangerous, but you get
reassurance knowing they are safe with you there. And they also get that feeling of confidence and
reassurance by having you there if they ever need it. Because some toddlers like my son have no
sense of fear whatsoever. By reframing our responses in these ways, we're empowering our
toddlers to explore safely while fostering their independence, confidence and allowing them to be
exposed to as many developmentally beneficial experiences as possible. This next phrase is
something you might find yourself saying whenever you take your toddler anywhere fun. For example,
you're at the playground and you've had a great time, but now it's time to leave. And this is
where the real fun begins. You're trying to persuade your toddler it's time to leave, but
they're not budging. In a moment of desperation, you say "Bye, I'm leaving now!" And start walking
away without them. After a moment of defiance, suddenly they're running towards you tears in
their eyes pleading "Don't leave me!". This reaction with them running after you feels like a win in
the moment. You've managed to get them to leave. But telling your toddler you're leaving without
them as a way to get them moving isn't a great idea. And that's because toddlers take things
very literally. If you say you're leaving, they don't see it as a bluff or a strategy to get them
to act quickly. They believe it could really happen. The message it sends is that your love
and presence are conditional. They start to believe that if I don't listen right away or behave just
right, my parents might leave me or stop loving me. These thoughts can make your toddler feel
insecure and anxious. Moreover, if you keep saying you'll leave without them, but never actually do
it because truthfully, you'll never really leave them. They start to believe that your warnings are
just empty threats. This erodes trust because they learn that you don't mean what you say.
It also teaches them that they might not have to take what you say seriously, which isn't a lesson
you want your toddler to learn. With this in mind, next time you're at the point of needing to leave
instead of scaring them into leaving by saying"Bye, I'm leaving now." Give this a try instead.
First, start by acknowledging how they feel with something like "You're having so much fun,
it's hard to leave." Then set the boundaries by stating, "But it's time to go home now."
Next, you want to try and make leaving a bit more enticing by talking about the exciting things
waiting for them at home or the next destination. For example, you might say "At home, we're going to
play with your favorite cars." This creates a positive reason for them to want to leave.
Then you want to help them feel in control and part of the decision making process by
offering them two choices. So you might say, "Would you like to walk or should I carry you?"
After doing these steps, if they continue to find it difficult to leave, you want to acknowledge
their emotions and then help them leave. So you might say "Leaving is so hard. I'm going to help
you now." At which point you would pick them up and leave. Adopting this approach not only makes
leaving less stressful for both of you, but it also reinforces your toddler's trust in you
and their understanding that they're supported and loved regardless of the situation.
Oh, by the way, before I move on to the next phrase, if you'd like a list of even more phrases
to avoid and alternatives to use with your toddler instead, I've included a link to that down in the
description below. So go ahead and grab that if you're interested. Next up is a really common
phrase that's often used when toddlers are doing something they shouldn't. But the thing is,
saying this can actually encourage them to do it more. To show you what I mean, I want you to
imagine your toddler is at the dining table and they start throwing their food on the ground.
Immediately, you rush over arms waving and loudly say, "Stop throwing your food!" But instead of
stopping, they just do it again. Saying "Don't throw your food" or "No throwing food" would lead
to the same outcome. The reason this makes them do it more is because they get something that they
absolutely love from you. A big animated reaction, which, although not funny to us, is often quite
funny to them, as well as your undivided attention. It's cause and effect. I drop food, mom or dad
come running and look really funny and fuss over me for a couple of minutes. This is a win for your
toddler. If you want to effectively guide your toddler away from undesirable behaviors, whether
it's food throwing, playing with power points, touching other things in the house they shouldn't,
throwing toys, climbing furniture or anything else you can think of. Try this alternative.
Instead of telling them what NOT to do, tell them what TO do. Just telling your toddler what not to
do is complex for them because it requires them to firstly understand and comprehend that you're
telling them not to do that, despite your animated actions and attention being rewarding and
motivating for them. And then they need to be able to figure out what you want them to do instead,
which is challenging for a toddler if you haven't given specific instructions.
Sticking with the food throwing example, next time this happens, here's what you can try. First,
tell them what to do. In this case, it would be "Food stays on the table or goes in your mouth."
This is much easier for them to understand as you're removing the guesswork and just telling
them straight up what they should do. This clear way of communicating makes it easier for your
toddler to follow your instructions, and it also reduces their frustration because they aren't
constantly hearing no, don't or stop. This in turn can help boost their confidence and self-esteem
because they don't always feel like they're in trouble or doing something wrong. Another way you
might try to boost your little one's self-esteem and confidence to explore and develop is by
showering them with genuine praise. You might say things like, "You're so clever!" "You're amazing!",
or you're so smart. While these phrases might seem encouraging, research suggests that they might not
be the most effective way to praise your toddler. In fact, this kind of praise can sometimes have
unintended negative effects. Watch this video next to learn about the different types of praise and
how they impact your child. More importantly, I'll share one simple tweak you can make in the way you
give praise, which will encourage your toddler to explore and develop as well as build their
self-esteem.
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