Classics Summarized: The Odyssey

Summary

This humorous retelling of 'The Odyssey' explores Odysseus' long, torturous journey home after the Trojan War. The gods frequently interfere, some helping and others hindering, as he faces cyclopses, sirens, and sorceresses. Meanwhile, in Ithaca, his son Telemachus searches for him, while his wife Penelope fends off suitors. With a mix of wit and irreverence, the summary highlights Odysseus' perseverance through various trials, culminating in a bloody showdown at home where he reclaims his throne. The story balances humor with the epic’s key events and characters, making ancient myth feel accessible and entertaining.

Takeaways

• 🏺 The Odyssey is a sequel to the Iliad, focusing on the homeward journey of Odysseus.
• 🌊 Odysseus faces numerous trials and tribulations, symbolizing the universe's seeming hatred for him.
• 🏝️ Odysseus is stranded on Calypso's island for seven years before being allowed to leave.
• 👸 Penelope, Odysseus' wife, is besieged by suitors as everyone believes Odysseus is dead.
• 👦 Telemachus, Odysseus' son, seeks news of his father with the help of Athena disguised as a man.
• 🗺️ Telemachus' journey leads him to Pylos and Sparta, where he learns about his father's fate from Nestor and Menelaus.
• 🌪️ Poseidon, angered by Odysseus, creates a storm to try to drown him, but Odysseus survives.
• 🧙‍♀️ The goddess Athena repeatedly aids Odysseus throughout his journey.
• 🐉 Odysseus encounters various mythical creatures such as Cyclops, sirens, and monsters Scylla and Charybdis.
• 🏹 A key moment in the story is when Odysseus, disguised as a beggar, strings his bow and kills the suitors.
• 🏡 In the end, Odysseus is reunited with Penelope, and Athena ensures peace in Ithaca.

Q & A

What is the Odyssey primarily about?

The Odyssey is primarily about the journey of Odysseus, a Greek hero, as he faces numerous challenges and hardships on his way back home to Ithaca after the Trojan War.

Why does the universe seem to hate Odysseus according to the script?

In the script, it is mentioned that the universe seems to hate Odysseus because he suffers greatly and faces more challenges than one could imagine during his 10-year journey home.

Who is Calypso and what is her role in Odysseus' journey?

Calypso is an immortal goddess who keeps Odysseus stranded on an island for seven years. She provides him with company but cannot fulfill his desire to return home to his family.

Why does Telemachus set out to sea?

Telemachus sets out to sea to find news of his father, Odysseus, after Athena, disguised as a man, tells him that his father is alive and suggests that he should try to find him.

What is the situation in Ithaca with regards to Penelope and the suitors?

In Ithaca, Penelope is besieged by over a hundred suitors who wish to marry her and become the new king, as it is believed that Odysseus is dead. Her son Telemachus is unhappy about this situation.

Why does Poseidon hold a grudge against Odysseus?

The script hints that Poseidon holds a grudge against Odysseus but does not specify the reason. In Greek mythology, this grudge often stems from Odysseus blinding Poseidon's son, the Cyclops Polyphemus.

What does Athena do to help Telemachus and Odysseus?

Athena disguises herself as a man to encourage Telemachus to search for his father. Later, she helps Odysseus by guiding him to the Phaeacians and eventually assists in his reunion with Telemachus.

What is the significance of the Cyclops Polyphemus in the Odyssey?

Polyphemus is a Cyclops who Odysseus encounters and outwits. The encounter leads to Odysseus revealing his name, which results in Poseidon, Polyphemus' father, seeking revenge and causing further troubles for Odysseus.

Why does Odysseus' crew face so many trials and disasters?

Odysseus' crew faces numerous trials and disasters due to a combination of their own poor decisions, such as opening the bag of winds or eating the cattle of Helios, and the wrath of gods like Poseidon.

What is the significance of the bow and the axe heads contest in the Odyssey?

The bow and the axe heads contest is a pivotal moment where Odysseus, disguised as a beggar, proves his identity by being the only one able to string the bow and shoot an arrow through twelve axe heads, signaling his return and setting the stage for the defeat of the suitors.

How does the Odyssey conclude?

The Odyssey concludes with Odysseus revealing himself, defeating the suitors with the help of Telemachus, reuniting with Penelope, and eventually living happily ever after with his family, as Athena persuades the people of Ithaca not to seek revenge.

Outlines

00:00

🏺 The Odyssey Begins

The script humorously introduces 'The Odyssey' as a sequel to 'The Iliad', focusing on the trials of Odysseus. It details his ten-year struggle to return home to Ithaca from Troy, including his seven-year entrapment on Calypso's island. The narrative also introduces Penelope and Telemachus, Odysseus' wife and son, who are dealing with a horde of suitors in Ithaca. Athena, disguised as a man, inspires Telemachus to search for his father. Telemachus' journey to gather information about Odysseus includes stops at Pylos and Sparta, where he learns about his father's past adventures and current predicament from Nestor and Menelaus, respectively.

05:00

🌊 Odysseus' Perilous Journey

This section recounts Odysseus' harrowing adventures after leaving Troy. His crew faces the lotus-eaters, the cyclops Polyphemus, and the wrath of Poseidon due to Odysseus' actions. They also encounter the enchantress Circe, who turns some of the crew into pigs before being persuaded to help Odysseus. A visit to the underworld to consult Tiresias is highlighted, where Odysseus learns of the dangers ahead, particularly the threat posed by Helios's cattle on Thrinacia. The summary ends with a tragic event where Odysseus' crew, against his orders, slaughters the sacred cattle, leading to Zeus's destruction of their ship and the death of the crew, leaving Odysseus alone to continue his journey.

10:02

🛡️ The Return and Reunion

In the final paragraph, Odysseus, having survived his trials, returns to Ithaca disguised as an old man. Athena brings Telemachus back to Ithaca, and together with Odysseus, they devise a plan to eliminate the suitors. The narrative describes the clever ruse of a bow-stringing contest devised by Penelope to identify a worthy suitor, which is actually a trap for the suitors. Odysseus, still in disguise, strings the bow and kills the suitors. The paragraph concludes with the reunion of Odysseus and Penelope, and Athena's intervention to prevent further bloodshed, leading to a peaceful resolution and a 'happily ever after' ending.

Keywords

💡Odyssey

The Odyssey is one of ancient Greece's major epic poems, attributed to the poet Homer. It is a sequel to the Iliad and is foundational to the modern Western canon. In the context of the video, it tells the story of the Greek hero Odysseus and his ten-year journey home from the Trojan War. The video humorously refers to it as 'Troy Story II' and focuses on the trials and tribulations Odysseus faces, emphasizing the epic's theme of homecoming and the hero's struggle against various obstacles.

💡Calypso

Calypso is a nymph in Greek mythology and a character in the Odyssey. She is an immortal goddess who detains Odysseus on her island, Ogygia, for seven years. In the video, she is portrayed as a 'gorgeous, lonely, immortal goddess' who keeps Odysseus company, but he longs to return to his wife and son, illustrating the theme of longing for home and the conflict between the allure of immortality and the bonds of mortal love.

💡Penelope

Penelope is the wife of Odysseus and a central character in the Odyssey. Known for her loyalty, she is depicted as waiting for her husband's return despite the advances of numerous suitors. In the video, she is described as 'Ithaca's most eligible Bachelorette' with 'more than a hundred potential suitors', highlighting her unwavering fidelity and the social complications arising from Odysseus's prolonged absence.

💡Telemachus

Telemachus is the son of Odysseus and Penelope. In the Odyssey, he plays a significant role in the search for his father. The video script describes him as 'a pretty smart kid' who sets out to find news of his father after Athena, in disguise, prompts him to do so. His journey symbolizes the coming-of-age theme and the search for identity and purpose.

💡Athena

Athena is the Greek goddess of wisdom, courage, and inspiration. In the Odyssey, she often aids Odysseus in his quests. The video portrays her as a protector of Odysseus, disguising herself to guide Telemachus and later helping Odysseus return home. Athena's interventions underscore the role of divine intervention in the epic's narrative and the hero's reliance on both his own cunning and the gods' favor.

💡Poseidon

Poseidon is the Greek god of the sea, earthquakes, and horses. He plays a significant role in the Odyssey as the antagonist to Odysseus, causing many of the hero's troubles due to a prior slight. The video mentions Poseidon's grudge and his creation of a storm to try to drown Odysseus, illustrating the theme of divine retribution and the perils faced by mortals who incur the wrath of the gods.

💡Polyphemus

Polyphemus is the Cyclops, a one-eyed giant encountered by Odysseus and his crew in the Odyssey. The video recounts the tale of how Odysseus and his men escape from Polyphemus by blinding him with a stake. This episode highlights Odysseus's cunning and resourcefulness, as well as the theme of man versus monster and the use of trickery to overcome overwhelming odds.

💡Circe

Circe is a sorceress and daughter of Helios, the sun god, who appears in the Odyssey. She is known for turning Odysseus's crew into pigs. In the video, she offers Odysseus enchanted wine and is eventually forced to turn his crew back into humans. Circe represents the theme of temptation and the struggle against magical forces that seek to divert the hero from his quest.

💡Tiresias

Tiresias is a blind prophet from Greek mythology whom Odysseus consults in the underworld for guidance on his journey home. The video mentions his prophecy that if Odysseus's crew does not harm the cattle of the sun god Helios, they may return home, but if they do, disaster will ensue. Tiresias's role emphasizes the importance of prophecy and fate in guiding the actions of the characters within the epic.

💡Sirens

Sirens are mythological creatures who lure sailors with their enchanting music to crash upon the rocks surrounding their island. In the video, Odysseus hears their song but is tied to the mast to resist their allure. The Sirens symbolize the temptation and danger that can divert one from their path and the theme of resisting temptation to achieve one's goals.

💡Penelope's Suitors

Penelope's suitors are a group of men who vie for Penelope's hand in marriage while Odysseus is away. The video describes them as causing trouble in Odysseus's home, which becomes a central conflict in the latter part of the Odyssey. They represent the theme of loyalty and betrayal, as well as the disruption of order in the hero's absence.

Highlights

The Odyssey is a sequel to the Iliad, focusing on the post-war adventures of Greek heroes.

Odysseus faces numerous trials and tribulations during his 10-year journey home from Troy.

Odysseus is stranded on Calypso's island for seven years, yearning to return to his family.

Penelope is besieged by suitors as it is believed Odysseus is dead.

Athena disguises herself to encourage Telemachus to search for his father.

Telemachus seeks counsel from King Nestor and Menelaus about his father's whereabouts.

Menelaus recounts his own trials, including being marooned and receiving advice from a goddess.

Poseidon holds a grudge against Odysseus, causing storms and shipwrecks.

Odysseus receives a magic anti-drowning scarf from a goddess and survives a shipwreck.

Odysseus is found by Nausicaa and brought to her parents in Phaeacia.

The story of Odysseus' crew's encounter with the lotus-eaters and their eventual escape.

Odysseus and his crew's dangerous encounter with the Cyclops Polyphemus.

Odysseus' taunt to Polyphemus, revealing his true identity, which incurs Poseidon's wrath.

The crew's misfortune after opening a magic bag of wind, causing them to be blown off course.

The crew's harrowing escape from the Laestrygonian island of cannibal giants.

Circe, the sorceress, turns part of Odysseus' crew into pigs before being outwitted by him.

Odysseus consults the dead Tiresias in Hades for guidance on how to return home.

The prophecy that Odysseus must not harm Helios's sacred cows to ensure a safe return.

The tragic consequence of Odysseus' crew disobeying Tiresias' prophecy, leading to their deaths.

Odysseus' reunion with Penelope is delayed as he must first deal with the suitors in Ithaca.

Athena's plan to disguise Odysseus as an old man and bring Telemachus home.

The contest of the bow and axe heads, devised by Penelope to choose a new husband.

Odysseus' victory in the contest, proving his identity and setting the stage for his revenge.

The climactic battle where Odysseus and Telemachus defeat the suitors.

The final reunion of Odysseus and Penelope, and Athena's intervention to prevent further bloodshed.

Transcripts

So the Odyssey, or as I like to identify it, 

Troy Story II, is something  of a sequel to the Iliad,

chronicling the various happily ever afters, (or otherwise), of our favorite Greek heroes.

But really what it's mostly about is how much the universe hates Odysseus,

and wants him to suffer for as long as humanly possible.

Seriously, in the 10 years it takes him to get from Troy to Ithaca, this guy gets put

through more crap than a 20-pound bag of 

industrial-strength Huggies,  sized for incontinent bulls.

So the Odyssey begins with our hero, who's  been stranded on an island for seven years

with no company other than a gorgeous, lonely, immortal goddess by the name of Calypso.

Terrible, right?

Well actually it does kind of suck for him,  

because what he wants more than  anything is to get back home

to Ithaca - specifically back to his lovely  wife Penelope, and his now adult son Telemachus,

who Odysseus hasn't seen since he was a baby - and  in fact the story initially focuses on these two.

See, since almost everyone  thinks Odysseus is dead, 

Penelope is now widely considered to be

Ithaca's most eligible Bachelorette,  

and as a result she's got more than a  hundred potential suitors queuing up

in her castle, demanding that she pick one  of them to marry her and become the new king.

Her son Telemachus is none  too pleased about the suitors  

throwing a never-ending frat party in his house.

Now by the time our story begins,  

most of the gods have decided that poor  Odysseus has suffered enough at this

point, so Athena disguises herself as a dude,  drops down into Ithaca, and then tells Telemachus,

"Hey, your dad's alive! Maybe you should go try and find out where he is."

So Telemachus, who's a pretty smart kid,  

immediately figures out that  this dude is actually a god,

and thus takes her at her word.

But before he leaves, Telemachus tries, and fails, to kick the suitors out of his house.

And they're like, "Ooo...is wittle baby Telemachus gonna fight us?"

And Telemachus is like "Shut up! I'm gonna find my dad, and he's gonna beat you up."

So Telemachus secretly assembles a small,  

loyal crew, acquires a ship,  and sets off in search of news.

The first place he goes is Pylos, home to King Nestor. So Telemachus is like,

"Hey, do you have any idea where my father is?" and Nestor's like,

"Well, let me think back to when I last saw him.  

Oh right! It was nine years  ago during the Trojan War.

Agamemnon and Menelaus were arguing, which had split the army down the middle,

so Odysseus, Diomedes, Menelaus, and I took our  armies and left. Although, Odysseus did turn back

to head off Agamemnon, and  that's the last time I saw  

him. I don't know what happened after that though.

Maybe you should go talk to Menelaus, see what he has to say about the matter."

So Telemachus goes off to Sparta and meets with Menelaus and Helen, now happily remarried,

and Telemachus is like "Yeah, can you tell me where my dad is?" and Menelaus is like,

"First let me tell you MY  story. Ok, so I was marooned 

on this tiny island off the coast of Egypt, right?

When this goddess shows up, and she's like

"Hey, you should talk to my dad Proteus. He'll tell you how to get out of here."

So I went off and tackled the guy,  

but he starts shape shifting, right?  But he can't shake me that easily!

So he got tired of that pretty quick and he was  like "Screw it, what do you want?" and I was like,

"Do your thing, oh god of  telling me stuff." And he's like

"Fine, you're stranded here because you forgot to sacrifice to Zeus before you left.

Also, Ajax the Lesser drowned, Agamemnon's dead,  and Odysseus is stranded on Calypso's Island."

And Telemachus is like "That's literally all I needed to hear."

But back in Ithaca, the suitors have learned that Telemachus left to find news of Odysseus,

and they find this very offensive for some reason,  

so they start plotting to kill  him as soon as he gets back.

Man, Penelope sure knows how to pick 'em.

Now, on Zeus's orders, Calypso finally lets Odysseus go, so he heads off homeward on a raft.

But Poseidon, who's holding a grudge against him for reasons that'll be explained later,

notices that he's trying to escape and whips up a huge storm in an effort to drown him.

But Odysseus is far too badass to let a little thing like drowning get him down,

and he's doing pretty well for himself when yet another goddess shows up,

gives him a magic anti-drowning scarf, and then vanishes. And Odysseus is like,

"Huh, why would I need this when I have a  perfectly serviceable raft?" *CRUNCH* "Okay then."

So Odysseus swims all the way to nearby Phaeacia,  drags himself into the forest, and passes out.

So Athena, always looking out for Odysseus, zips over to the city and tells the princess Nausicaa

"Hey, you should go down to the  forest." and she's like "Great idea!"

So she heads over to the forest and finds Odysseus, just like Athena planned.

So Nausicaa brings him back to her parents, the  king and queen, and Odysseus tells them the story

of how he came to be stranded on Calypso's island.

*Transition noise*

So it's just after the Greeks have sacked Troy,  

and Odysseus advises the others  to quit while they're ahead

and sail back to Greece. But of course they don't listen to him,

and by next morning they're overrun by a retaliatory force.

Odysseus and some of the others take the ships to escape, but Zeus is angry at the Greeks

for their poor sportsmanship, and sends a huge storm to blow them off course.

Odysseus and his crew are swept far out to sea,  and that's when the weird stuff starts happening.

So first, they wash up at  the land of the lotus-eaters,  

which is populated by these really mellow dudes

who eat lotuses. Anyone who eats a lotus mellows out and wants to stay there forever,

so of course most of his shipmates eat them,

and Odysseus has to drag his idiot crew back the ships by force.

So they set out again, only to wash  up on the island of the cyclopses,  

where they see a nice-looking cave

surrounded by delicious-looking flocks of sheep.

Unfortunately, the cave is home to a large hungry Cyclops by the name of Polyphemus,

who seals them in with an enormous rock, kills two of the crew, and then falls asleep.

Since they can't kill him without  trapping themselves in the cave,  

they bide their time until the next night,

when Odysseus gets Polyphemus drunk, introduces himself as Nobody,

and then when Polyphemus passes out, they take  a large wooden stake and stab out his eye.

So Polyphemus is like "Aaah, help, Nobody  blinded me!" and all his Cyclops friends are like

"Yeah, yeah, you're hilarious. Polyphemus, is nobody stealing your flocks too?"

So Polyphemus opens the cave to check, and Odysseus and remaining crew bolt for the ships.

Then Odysseus- remember, the WISEST of the Greeks  - takes it into his head to taunt the Cyclops.

So he's like, "Hey, guess what dumbass? My name's not nobody; it's Odysseus!"

And Polyphemus is like "Dad, Odysseus gouged out my eye."

So funny story: all cyclopses  are children of Poseidon,  

so Poseidon hears about this and he's like

"Oh really? Time for some  disproportionate retribution."

So after that point, he starts trying to  

make Odysseus's journey home just  as difficult as godly possible.

So after that little adventure,  they land on the Aeolian island,  

where the King very nicely gives them

a magic leather pouch full of wind to speed them on their way home.

But we can't give Odysseus  a break just yet - they're  

maybe 10 feet off the coast of Ithaca when his

idiot crew decides that the  magic bag has gold in it, and  

bust it open. The resulting HURRICANE sweeps them

all the way back to the Aeolian  island. So Odysseus is like,  

"Hey, got another one of those magic wind bags?"

But the King's like, "Not for you dude,  

you've got to be super cursed to have  that bad luck, get off my island."

So next they arrive on the Laestrygonian  island, populated entirely by cannibal giants.

When they start eating the  majority of Odysseus's crew,

Odysseus and the other survivors get out of there as fast as humanly possible.

Next on this mythological island world tour, they come to the Aeaean island,

where Circe, the daughter of Helios lives.

Circe is a sorceress, and some wicked hankering  for bacon makes her take it into her head to turn

Odysseus's rapidly dwindling crew into pigs.

Odysseus learns of their tragic swineification and resolves to rescue them.

So Hermes gives Odysseus some anti-magic drugs so that Circe won't be able to enchant him.

Y'know, for someone who the gods supposedly hate,  

Odysseus sure does seem to  get a lot of help from them.

So Circe's like, "Here, have some enchanted  booze!" and Odysseus is like "Awesome", drinks it,

fails to turn into a pig, and then  draws a sword on her. So she's like

"Wait, wait, I'm a mage, I  have like two hit points!"

And he's like "Then I suggest you turn them back  

before I have to whittle  that number down to zero."

So she does, and then they all chillax on the island for like a year.

So then Odysseus is like, "Yeah, we should  probably be getting back." And Circe's like,

"Well, fine with me, but first you  gotta go talk to Tiresias. I mean,  

he's the one who knows how to get you home."

"Oh yeah? Where can I find him?" "He's dead."

So Odysseus and crew sail down  to Hades. They do this wacky  

ghost summoning ritual, which ends up attracting

a few other ghosts they weren't looking for, and then Tiresias shows up.

He's like, "What's up Odysseus? Poseidon's  

determined to screw you over,  but you all might make it back

as long as you don't harm Helios's pet cows that can be found on Thrinacia.

If you do, though, your entire crew will  die and you'll be home, like, super late."

And Odysseus is like, "Cool! You heard the man folks, no hurting the cows."

Then Odysseus has a little touching reunion with  the ghosts of all his now dead Greek war buddies.

Like Agamemnon, very grumpy at being dead,

Achilles and Patroclus, now hetero-death partners,

*Romantic Music*

and Great Ajax.

Then Odysseus sails out of  Hades, and back to Aeaea,  

where Circe maps out the route back to Ithaca.

Which for some reason is extremely  densely populated by monsters. So first,  

they find the island of the sirens,

who sing so beautifully that anyone who hears them will be entranced, jump off the boat,

and swim to their deaths.

So the crew block their ears with beeswax and  keep rowing, but Odysseus is really determined

to hear their song, so he has  them tie him to the mast so  

he can listen without doing anything stupid.

The sirens are like ♪Turn the beat around♪

and Odysseus is like "Release me, I  must hear their dulcet tones up close!"

and his crew is like "What?"

So they get out of earshot of the sirens, only  to encounter the monsters Scylla and Charybdis.

So Scylla is one ugly piece of work: she's a six-headed monster at the top of

a giant craggy cliff whose heads reach all the way down to the ocean to devour

any unfortunates who happen to drift too close.  Charybdis is like a combination garbage disposal

and malfunctioning garbage disposal, 

that sucks in the ocean and  then spits it back out again.

So as they're trying to find a way to sail between  

the two without running into  either the cliff or Charybdis,

Scylla eats six of his crew members. On the bright side, this means her mouths are full

so she can't eat any more of them. So Odysseus and  crew take the opportunity to gun it between them.

They finally come across Thrinacia, more  easily pronounced as the Island of the Sun,

where despite Odysseus's prophecy based protests, they land and rest for the night.

But then, Zeus strands them on the island for more than a month.

At this point the food Circe gave them starts to run out, and Eurylochus,

a somewhat mutinous crew member who has 

inexplicably survived  everything up till this point,

is like "Hey, what if we sacrificed one of these lovely golden cows to the Gods?

We'd get to eat it, AND leave the island." and Odysseus is like

"Damn it! what did Tiresias say?"

And Eurylochus is like "Oh wait, too late, I seem to have killed one."

So when they finally set sail, Zeus hits the ship with lightning.

The boat explodes, the entire crew dies,

and Odysseus is left clinging to a single timber from the boat, silently

contemplating where everything went wrong. Then, adding insult to injury,

Zeus sends a wind to blow Odysseus back to Charybdis, who eats the rest of the boat.

A few hours later when Charybdis pukes up the  timber, Odysseus hops onto what's left of the boat

and paddles the hell out of there. Nine days later  he washes up on the shore of Calypso's Island,

and the rest is questionably reliable history.

So Odysseus finishes telling his story and the king is like "Dang dude, want a boat?"

And Odysseus is like "Yes please."

So the King gives him a ship and crew, along with a few tons of fine treasure,

and Odysseus naps all the way back to Ithaca. And who can blame him?

So that's the end, right? He's made it back to Ithaca; so that's it, right?

Nope! We're barely halfway through this book. Come on, give the man a break!

So Odysseus is finally home in Ithaca, but there's one small problem:

the suitors are still making trouble all up in his backyard. But Athena, as always, has a plan.

She magically disguises him as an old man,  

then goes off to Sparta to bring  Telemachus home for the reunion.

Odysseus, now disguised, goes off to talk to some loyal swineherd.

Meanwhile in Sparta, Athena's like, "Yo Telemachus, get your butt home."

So Telemachus sets sail for home, along with several gifts from Menelaus and Helen.

Oh and he's also joined by  this dude, uh, Theoclymenus,  

who's a prophet and a fugitive from Argos.

While Odysseus and the swineherd bond, Telemachus and Theoclymenus arrive at Ithica,

and knowing that the palace isn't necessarily safe for either of them,

immediately head off to the friendly neighborhood swineherd's house.

So Telemachus is like "Swineherd, my man, how are things up at the castle?"

and the swineherd is like  "Uh...still pretty bad..."

and Telemachus is like, "Oh  good, nothing's changed."

And Odysseus is like, "Come on kid,  

man up. Why are you letting these  suitors strut around YOUR house as if

they own the place? I mean if  I were, say, the king himself,  

returned in secret from all my, I mean his,

travels, why, I'd strut right  in there and kill all of 'em."

and Telemachus is like "Yeah, you're  right! It's just too bad you're not him."

and then Athena's like, "Hey Odysseus, I've  decided you should reveal yourself to your son!"

and rips the illusion off of him. So,  Odysseus is like, "Hey son, I'm home."

and Telemachus is like "daaaaaad" and it's all super heart warming.

Pause for a moment to absorb the feels.

So Odysseus and Telemachus start plotting their 

revenge on the suitors.  Meanwhile, back in the castle,

Penelope and the suitors -a good name for a band by the way-

learn from the swineherd that Telemachus is back and the suitors are like,

"Ah... dammit, our ambushes failed.

Guess we'd better kill him right here before he can tell everyone that we tried to kill him."

and Penelope is like, "What? How dare you plot to kill my son!"

and they're like "What, no, we didn't say that." and she's like "Oh, okay."

So the next day Telemachus returns to the palace, while Odysseus,

once again disguised as a beggar, goes into town. So Telemachus tells Penelope about his journey,

although he leaves out the part about Odysseus,  and his new prophet buddy, Theoclymenus, is like

"The really weird thing is, I'm getting a sense that Odysseus IS here in Ithaca."

and Penelope's like "Man, that's just ridiculous."

Meanwhile, Odysseus and the swineherd head for the palace,

where the disguised Odysseus is immediately  recognized by his old dog Argos.

God, this story is so adorable.

Then the dog dies.

*Sadness*

Whyyyyyy!

So beggar Odysseus begs scraps of food from the suitors, who generally oblige,

except for this one guy who throws a  stool at him. So the suitors get pretty

boozed up and start talking smack to Odysseus, but then Telemachus is like

"Sleep it off you drunks!" and they all go to bed.  

Then Odysseus and Telemachus  put their plan into motion.

First they hide all the suitors' armor and weapons  upstairs. Then Odysseus goes to talk to Penelope,

who he promises that before the end of the  month, Odysseus will return. Hint, hint.

Penelope asks beggar Odysseus if he thinks she should remarry, and Odysseus is like,

"No! No... I'm sure your husband will be back real soon to murder all your suitors. Don't sweat it."

and she's like "Man, I don't know... tell you  

what. Tomorrow I'll hold a  contest among the suitors

and anyone else who wants to try, and only  a man just like Odysseus will be able to win

and become my husband."

And Odysseus is like "That's a  great plan! Do exactly that."

So the next day all the suitors assemble,  

still trying to figure out how  to discreetly murder Telemachus,

when Penelope unveils her secret plan.

So, some context. Odysseus had this crazy strong recurve bow.

It was a really cool bow, but it was a present and he never ever took it to war

so it was still locked up safely in the palace basement when he left for Troy.

Now, this bow is ridiculously strong, but  Odysseus never had any trouble dealing with it,

because as mentioned previously, he's a badass. So Penelope's like,

"All right everyone, no more delays. I'll marry  the man who can string this bow most easily,

and then use it to shoot through these twelve axe heads."

Now this bow has a draw strength of something like 500 pounds, so none of the

suitors can even bend the bow far enough to  string it. And then beggar Odysseus is like,

"Hey, uh, just for kicks... can I have a look at that bow?" and the suitors are like,

"Suure, pftt, this is gonna be good."

And then of course, Odysseus  strings the bow easily.

Then he casually shoots an arrow through all twelve axes, and then, it's murderin' time.

Odysseus reveals himself in all his glory,  

the suitors start panicking, and  Odysseus and Telemachus engage

in some healthy father-son bonding by killing nearly all of them.

After wreaking bloody vengeance on his enemies and then after a nice long bath,

Odysseus is finally, FINALLY  reunited with Penelope.

Then Athena persuades the entire rest of Ithaca not to take vengeance on Odysseus

for killing the entire noble population, and they all lived happily ever after.

♪ 'I'm Gonna Be' by the Proclaimers ♪