Why WOMEN DON'T APOLOGIZE: understanding the nature of the problem

Summary

In this talk, Dr. Orion Taraban explores the reluctance of women to apologize, noting his personal experience of receiving few apologies in his life. He discusses the gender perspective differences on what constitutes a problem and suggests that women often focus on changing the emotional response rather than acknowledging fault. He uses an anecdote to illustrate how some women might use sex as an alternative to apology, and concludes by advising women to consider apologizing as a way to earn respect and stand out positively among their peers.

Takeaways

• 😶 The speaker, Dr. Orion Taraban, notes that he rarely receives apologies from women, suggesting a general difficulty for women to apologize for bad behavior.
• 🤔 Apologizing for mistakes is considered an easy way to gain forgiveness and improve relationships, yet it seems to be underutilized by women.
• 🧐 The speaker suggests that apologies matter more to men, and using words to solve relationship problems is an inexpensive solution.
• 🚫 He advises women not to apologize when there's no wrongdoing, but to stand by their actions when appropriate.
• 👉 The script discusses the difference in perspectives between men and women on what constitutes a problem in a relationship.
• 💢 From a male perspective, the problem is the behavior for which the woman is at fault, leading to the man's emotional response.
• 😤 Conversely, from a female perspective, the problem is the man's anger and upset, with the solution being to change his emotional state rather than addressing the behavior.
• 🍽️ Women often use emotional coping strategies like kindness, humor, or time to alleviate a man's anger instead of offering an apology.
• 🛌 The speaker recounts a personal anecdote where a woman used sex as a means to avoid apologizing, which he found disrespectful.
• 🙅‍♀️ He discourages expecting apologies from women and encourages women to consider apologizing when appropriate to stand out and earn respect.
• 💌 The speaker ends by inviting listeners to share their experiences and thoughts in the comments section.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk in the transcript?

The main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk is why women find it difficult to apologize.

According to Dr. Taraban, why does apologizing matter more to men?

Dr. Taraban suggests that apologies matter more to men because using words to solve a relationship problem is an easy and inexpensive solution, and men respect people who take responsibility for themselves.

What is the 'interpersonal slam dunk' mentioned by Dr. Taraban?

The 'interpersonal slam dunk' refers to the act of apologizing for something one has done wrong, which Dr. Taraban says is almost universally forgivable and can resolve conflicts effectively.

How does Dr. Taraban describe the typical male perspective on what constitutes a problem in a relationship?

From a male perspective, the problem is the behavior for which the man believes the woman is at fault, leading to his anger and upset. The solution, in his view, is acknowledgment of fault and behavioral change.

What is the female perspective on the problem as outlined by Dr. Taraban?

From a female perspective, the problem is not the behavior itself but the man's emotional response, such as anger or upset. The solution, from this viewpoint, is to change the man's emotional state rather than addressing the behavior.

What are some emotional coping strategies women might use instead of apologizing, as described by Dr. Taraban?

Instead of apologizing, women might use strategies like trying to cheer up the man, making his favorite meal, sending a funny meme, or allowing time to pass for emotions to subside.

Why does Dr. Taraban suggest that women should consider apologizing when appropriate?

Dr. Taraban encourages women to consider apologizing when appropriate because it can quickly distinguish them in a positive manner in the mind of a man and increase his estimation of them.

What example does Dr. Taraban provide to illustrate how women might use sex as an apology?

Dr. Taraban recounts an incident where a woman he was dating offered sex after an argument, seemingly as a peace offering to assuage his hurt feelings rather than apologizing for her behavior.

What was Dr. Taraban's reaction to the woman's attempt to use sex as an apology in the example he provided?

Dr. Taraban lost respect for the woman because her behavior implied that a distraction like sex could make the issue go away without addressing the problem, so he chose to sleep on the couch in another room.

What advice does Dr. Taraban give to men who might be expecting an apology from a woman?

Dr. Taraban advises men not to hold their breath if they are expecting an apology from a woman, implying that it might not be forthcoming.