Bill Burr's Sports Rants | CONAN on TBS

Team Coco
22 Feb 202110:42

Summary

TLDRIn this humorous and candid dialogue, the speaker shares his unfiltered thoughts on various aspects of sports, including the controversy surrounding steroid use in baseball and the Hall of Fame, the over-commercialization of football, and the irritation of sports being used as a platform for social causes. He also touches on the changing dynamics of fan experiences, from the annoyance of the 'tomahawk chop' to the absurdity of interviewing coaches mid-game, all while maintaining his unwavering love for the game despite its flaws.

Takeaways

  • 🤔 The speaker expresses indifference towards the steroid use controversy in baseball, suggesting that players who use steroids are like guinea pigs for future advancements.
  • 💪 The speaker humorously envisions a future where steroids are commonplace and can be inhaled to achieve physical perfection, like having abs or a full head of hair.
  • 👴 The speaker criticizes the modern practices in baseball, such as the expectation to give foul balls to children, which he believes has changed the game's spirit.
  • 📺 The speaker feels that sports have become too commercialized and politicized, with causes and messages being attached to games, which detracts from the pure enjoyment of watching.
  • 🎉 The speaker strongly dislikes attending Super Bowl parties due to the behavior of non-fans who talk during the game and miss the point of watching sports.
  • 🏈 The speaker is a dedicated football fan, watching multiple games each week and taping those he cannot watch live.
  • 👥 The speaker believes that women, with their multitasking brains, cannot enjoy watching sports in the same way men can, and suggests this is why they might want to change the experience.
  • 🏆 The speaker admires O.J. Simpson's football achievements despite his infamous criminal past, highlighting the ability to separate personal actions from professional accomplishments.
  • 🗣 The speaker finds the practice of interviewing coaches during halftime disruptive and unnecessary, as it takes them away from focusing on the game.
  • ☀️ The speaker is concerned about the impact of global warming on sports, as evidenced by unusually warm weather during a November baseball game.
  • 🤷‍♂️ Despite criticisms and controversies, the speaker asserts that he will continue to watch football because of his deep love for the sport.

Q & A

  • What is the main controversy discussed regarding the Hall of Fame in the transcript?

    -The main controversy discussed is the potential inclusion of players like Bonds and Clemens into the Hall of Fame, who are suspected of using steroids in the past.

  • What is the speaker's opinion on athletes using steroids?

    -The speaker does not mind athletes using steroids, suggesting they are acting as guinea pigs for future advancements in the use of such substances.

  • How does the speaker envision the future of steroids affecting the general public?

    -The speaker humorously predicts that by the time they are 80, there might be a steroid vaporizer that people can inhale to gain physical benefits like abs and full heads of hair.

  • What change in baseball games does the speaker dislike?

    -The speaker dislikes the expectation that if you catch a foul ball, you should give it to a child, which he feels has led to kids not having to work for anything.

  • What does the speaker criticize about the NFL's approach to certain issues?

    -The speaker criticizes the NFL for becoming too 'poppy,' with too many causes and distractions from the game, such as dressing in pink for breast cancer awareness or having moments like 'stand up to cancer' during games.

  • Why does the speaker refuse to attend Super Bowl parties?

    -The speaker refuses to attend Super Bowl parties because they believe they are full of people who don't watch football regularly, and they talk during the game and only pay attention during commercials.

  • How does the speaker describe their typical football watching routine?

    -The speaker watches two games on Sunday, tapes three, watches the Monday game, and then watches one of the taped games on Tuesday and Wednesday, the Thursday night game, and college football on Saturday.

  • What does the speaker suggest about women's enjoyment of sports?

    -The speaker humorously suggests that women, with their multitasking brains, cannot enjoy watching sports in the same focused way men can, and implies that they might be jealous of men's ability to enjoy sports without multitasking.

  • How does the speaker feel about the 'tomahawk chop' performed by Florida State fans?

    -The speaker finds the 'tomahawk chop' annoying, not because of its cultural implications, but because it is done repeatedly every few seconds and doesn't seem to vary.

  • What does the speaker say about the impact of global warming on sports?

    -The speaker humorously notes that playing a home game in November with a temperature of 71 degrees is a sign of the golden age of global warming and suggests people should enjoy it before 'hellfires come'.

  • What is the speaker's final stance on watching football despite any controversies or issues?

    -The speaker declares that they would continue to watch football regardless of controversies, even if the commissioner were to do something outrageous like punt a baby.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Steroid Use in Sports and the Evolution of Entertainment

The speaker discusses the controversy surrounding athletes like Bonds and Clemens being considered for the Hall of Fame due to past steroid use. They express a surprisingly casual attitude towards steroid use, suggesting that athletes are like guinea pigs who will eventually lead to improved drugs for the general public. The conversation takes a humorous turn as they imagine a future where steroids are available as a vaporizer, leading to physical enhancements without the need for exercise. They also lament the changes in baseball culture, such as the expectation to give foul balls to children, and criticize the NFL for becoming too 'poppy' with its focus on causes and entertainment during games, which detracts from the pure enjoyment of the sport.

05:02

🏈 The Joy of Football and the Challenges in Sports Broadcasting

The speaker shares their love for football and the ability to separate an athlete's personal life from their professional achievements, using O.J. Simpson as an example. They criticize the practice of interviewing coaches during halftime, suggesting it's an unnecessary distraction. The speaker also mocks the NFL's response to controversial incidents, highlighting the league's tendency to promise to 'get it right' without providing substantial solutions. They express concern over the impact of global warming on sports, as evidenced by unusually warm weather during a November game. The conversation includes a humorous anecdote about the repetitive nature of the Florida State crowd's 'tomahawk chop' and the band's limited repertoire, suggesting it's a cultural misappropriation invented by Hollywood.

10:05

🏟️ The Passion for Football and the Limits of Fan Loyalty

The speaker declares their unwavering dedication to watching football, no matter the circumstances. They humorously state that even if the commissioner were to commit a heinous act, they would still tune in for the games on Sunday. This reflects the deep-seated love for the sport and the speaker's recognition that football is their primary source of entertainment and relaxation. The conversation concludes with a reaffirmation of their commitment to watching football, despite any potential scandals or issues that may arise within the sport's administration.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Steroid use

Steroid use refers to the consumption of anabolic steroids to enhance physical performance, often associated with negative health effects and ethical debates in sports. In the video, the speaker discusses the controversy surrounding the inclusion of athletes like Bonds and Clemens in the Hall of Fame due to their past steroid use, suggesting a more lenient view on the matter by likening it to athletes acting as 'guinea pigs' for future advancements.

💡Hall of Fame

The Hall of Fame is a prestigious institution that honors individuals who have achieved exceptional levels of excellence in their respective fields, often post-retirement. In the context of the video, the Hall of Fame is associated with baseball, and the speaker questions the criteria for induction, particularly concerning players with a history of steroid use.

💡Guinea pigs

The term 'guinea pigs' is used metaphorically to describe individuals who are experimental subjects, often without their full knowledge or consent. In the video, the speaker humorously suggests that athletes who use steroids are like guinea pigs, testing the limits and potential benefits of these substances for future generations.

💡Sports fandom

Sports fandom refers to the emotional investment and loyalty that individuals have towards a particular sports team or sport. The video's speaker identifies as a 'big sports fan' and discusses various aspects of sports culture, including the ethics of performance-enhancing drugs and the commercialization of sports events, reflecting a passionate and critical perspective on sports.

💡Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is the annual championship game of the National Football League (NFL), often considered one of the most-watched sporting events in the United States. In the video, the speaker expresses a disdain for Super Bowl parties, preferring to watch the game alone, and criticizes the commercial interruptions and spectacles that have become part of the event's broadcast.

💡NFL

The NFL stands for the National Football League, a professional American football league consisting of 32 teams, divided equally between the National Football Conference (NFC) and the American Football Conference (AFC). The speaker in the video discusses the NFL's viewership and the league's handling of various issues, such as player misconduct and the incorporation of social causes into the game.

💡Cancer awareness

Cancer awareness refers to efforts to increase public knowledge about cancer, its prevention, and treatment. In the video, the speaker criticizes the interruption of a World Series game for a 'stand up to cancer' moment, arguing that such causes should not intrude on the viewing experience of sports events.

💡Global warming

Global warming refers to the long-term increase in Earth's average surface temperature due to human activities, primarily the emission of greenhouse gases. The speaker in the video humorously refers to a warm November day during a baseball game as evidence of 'the golden age of global warming,' using the term to comment on climate change in a light-hearted manner.

💡Multitasking

Multitasking is the ability to handle multiple tasks or streams of information simultaneously. The video's speaker contrasts the 'simple male brain' with the 'complex, multitasking female brain,' suggesting that women's multitasking capabilities make them less likely to enjoy watching sports as a singular, undisturbed activity.

💡Compartmentalization

Compartmentalization is the psychological process of separating different aspects of life or cognition into separate mental categories. The speaker uses this term to justify his ability to appreciate O.J. Simpson's football achievements despite his criminal history, highlighting the complexity of human perception and judgment.

💡Half-time show

A half-time show is a performance that takes place during the中场休息 of a sports event, often to entertain the audience and maintain interest. The speaker in the video expresses his dislike for the elaborate half-time shows during the Super Bowl, preferring a simpler, more traditional approach that does not detract from the game.

Highlights

Discussion on the controversy of admitting steroid users like Bonds and Clemens into the Hall of Fame.

Unconventional opinion that athletes should use steroids as guinea pigs for future benefits.

Humor about athletes' physical changes due to steroids and the hypothetical future use of steroids for普通人.

Critique of the expectation to give foul balls to kids at baseball games.

Complaint about the NFL becoming 'too poppy' with excessive causes and distractions.

Reflection on the intrusion of causes like 'Stand up to cancer' during sports events.

Opposition to Super Bowl parties due to non-fans talking during the game.

Complaint about the halftime show and unnecessary interruptions during the Super Bowl.

Exaggerated daily routine of an avid football fan watching multiple games throughout the week.

Comment on the inability of women to enjoy watching football due to their 'complex multitasking brain'.

Satirical take on women's jealousy of men's simple happiness while watching football.

Perspective on O.J. Simpson's legacy as a top running back despite his criminal past.

Dislike for the practice of interviewing coaches during halftime about their game strategy.

Concern about global warming illustrated by an unusually warm day at a Cleveland baseball game.

Mockery of the NFL's response to controversy with phrases like 'we gotta get it right'.

Critique of the media's overreaction to NFL issues compared to other professions.

Comical observation of Tom Brady's age showing when he runs versus when he's standing.

Discomfort with Florida State's tomahawk chop and its incessant repetition during games.

Humor about the origin of the tomahawk chop and its lack of connection to Native American culture.

Determination to continue watching football regardless of controversies or actions of the NFL commissioner.

Transcripts

play00:00

You're a baseball fan, I know you're a big sports fan.

play00:02

Big sports fan in general.

play00:04

Okay, well listen. Now we have this issue of

play00:07

whose gonna get into the Hall of Fame, and

play00:09

they're not people like...

play00:09

Letting people Bonds and Clemens in, because,

play00:12

obviously of steroid use in the past.

play00:15

What's your take on that?

play00:16

Uh... I don't know.

play00:17

Does it upset... does it make you crazy?

play00:19

No, I don't mind that people use 'roids.

play00:21

I think they should use 'roids, because

play00:24

they're using themselves as guinea pigs,

play00:25

and it'll all trickle down to us one day.

play00:28

And after they messed up, you know,

play00:29

they're heads get all big, and they,

play00:30

they take that part out.

play00:32

I think by the time-

play00:33

You mean if enough athletes...

play00:35

You're saying, use steroids-

play00:37

Destroy themselves with steroids,

play00:38

they'll figure out how...

play00:39

They already... they do it with singers.

play00:41

If a singer can't sing, she gets to use a steroid.

play00:43

Yeah.

play00:44

Right?

play00:45

So they're... you say it's going to improve...

play00:46

It's gonna improve the drug so that we get to use them?

play00:48

I'm saying, by the time we're 80,

play00:49

they're gonna have like a steroid vaporizer.

play00:52

That you can just inhale, and you're gonna have abs.

play00:54

I'll get a full head of hair.

play00:56

And you're gonna be banging some hot 65-year-old.

play00:59

And it's all gonna be because of these athletes

play01:01

and the sacrifices that they made. That no one appreciates.

play01:04

Baseball, I don't know,

play01:05

it's not quite the way it used to be.

play01:06

I don't like that whole thing,

play01:07

like when you go to a game, if you catch a foul ball

play01:10

you gotta like, give it to a kid now.

play01:12

What are you talking about?

play01:13

That's why kids are all mushy and fat.

play01:15

They don't have to... they don't gotta work for anything!

play01:18

First of all I don't like, when I was a kid,

play01:20

I had to fight adults to try and get one,

play01:22

and I never got one, and they blocked me out,

play01:25

and that was totally acceptable in the 70's and 80's.

play01:27

[Conan] Yes, it's true.

play01:28

So now I gotta sit there, take a line shot to my hand,

play01:31

have that swollen up, and then I...

play01:33

Oh, give it to a kid. No!

play01:35

Declining ratings. Do you think the NFL has a problem?

play01:38

They're starting to say they're losing viewership.

play01:39

No. People who care about football are still watching it.

play01:43

They just, they got too big. They just went all poppy.

play01:45

They had everybody dressing in pink, right?

play01:48

There's always jets flying over, "support the troops".

play01:50

Katy Perry's doing a dance, right?

play01:52

They just, they just took it way too far.

play01:54

What I love about sports is it's a great way to

play01:56

tap out from the news, and just you know,

play01:58

watch a game and get away from it.

play01:59

Now there's like all these causes are getting like

play02:01

attached to it. Like, I was watching the World Series,

play02:04

and I'm in the middle of watching the World Series,

play02:05

and out of nowhere, they have this moment:

play02:07

"stand up to cancer".

play02:08

I'm watching a ball game, and all of a sudden

play02:10

everybody stands up, holding up a sign

play02:13

of somebody that they either know that's dying of cancer

play02:16

or died of it, in the middle of the game.

play02:18

It's just like, what are you doing?

play02:21

Trying to watch a game here! You don't...

play02:23

No, there's a time and a place!

play02:25

Look, I know somebody...

play02:29

I know somebody that has died of cancer.

play02:32

I would never go to the movies with you,

play02:34

and in the middle of it, hit pause and be like

play02:35

"Oh, by the way Conan, I know this guy..."

play02:37

(audience laughing)

play02:39

"He died of cancer, it was horrific.

play02:40

I could have lifted him up off the sheet with two fingers,

play02:43

it was horrible, hey enjoy...

play02:44

Oh, by the way, I got molested when I was nine.

play02:45

Enjoy the rest of this."

play02:47

You gonna have a Super Bowl party?

play02:48

Yes. No Super Bowl party. No Super Bowl party.

play02:51

If you're a true football fan, you do not go to

play02:53

Super Bowl parties. Because it's all a bunch of losers

play02:56

who don't watch it all year, and what they do is

play02:59

they talk during the game, and then they shut up

play03:03

during the commercial. And then the game comes back,

play03:05

they're like "oh, how much you think that one cost?

play03:06

Huh? What did you... Was that funny?

play03:08

I though that one stunk."

play03:09

And it's just like... I just...

play03:10

The rage that goes through me.

play03:13

Through the game. And I just, you know.

play03:15

Ended up fighting, you know, with somebody.

play03:17

So you just are opposed to them having a party

play03:19

in the middle of the Super Bowl. Like, you know,

play03:21

having a... a half-time show.

play03:22

Yeah, I don't like it. It's the most important

play03:23

game of the year, and they turned it into

play03:24

like this... this... I don't know what it is.

play03:26

I don't even know what it is anymore.

play03:27

It used to be like a little high school band came out...

play03:30

[Conan] Yeah.

play03:30

Playing a little song.

play03:31

[Conan] Right.

play03:32

And then that was it. And now they just...

play03:33

Shooting t-shirts into the crowd.

play03:35

I really sound like a grumpy old man, but I...

play03:37

I just wanna watch the game.

play03:39

[Conan] Right.

play03:40

I'm just gonna be me, sitting alone, screaming at my TV.

play03:43

How much football do you watch a week?

play03:45

I watch... I watch two games on Sunday, I tape three.

play03:48

[Conan] Right.

play03:49

Then I watch the Monday game, and then Tuesday

play03:50

I watch one of the three that I taped.

play03:52

Wednesday I watch another one, then I watch

play03:53

the Thursday night game.

play03:55

And then Friday, I watch the Sunday night game.

play03:57

And then Saturday I watch college football.

play03:59

Okay.

play04:00

And it's fine.

play04:00

Okay.

play04:01

Because I have a simple male brain

play04:04

that can just sit there and just... just enjoy it.

play04:08

I can just enjoy it.

play04:10

So does your wife watch any of these games with you?

play04:12

No, she has the female, complex, multitasking brain.

play04:16

That's why they can't be happy. They just...

play04:21

Always... they're like, what is that lizard

play04:23

that can look at two things at once?

play04:25

That's what they're like.

play04:27

So they got the shoes they want, and then

play04:29

they see some other woman walking in, going

play04:31

"oh, look at this skinny bitch over here,

play04:33

she thinks she's cute, right?" And they...

play04:35

That's what I've learned.

play04:36

Oh god.

play04:37

You know what makes women happy?

play04:38

Nothing. Nothing makes them happy, and that is why

play04:42

they are slowly taking over the NFL, because

play04:44

it annoys that we can just sit there, with like

play04:48

a pizza and a drink, like "uh, that's not holding!"

play04:50

Just, just be like... and enjoy ourselves.

play04:53

So you're saying that you... because you're happy,

play04:56

that you think your wife, and women in general, wanna...

play04:58

They're jealous of it. They don't want their own thing.

play05:01

They don't want their own shit. They want our shit.

play05:05

I don't know what it is. And it's... I think it's because

play05:07

we're happy. We're just sitting there, enjoying ourselves.

play05:09

Having a good time without them. It drives them nuts.

play05:12

And they just gotta go in there and ruin it.

play05:14

I still watch O.J. Simpsons highlights.

play05:16

(audience laughing)

play05:18

I do, I'm a... I'm a football fan.

play05:23

He's one of the top five running backs of all time.

play05:25

You're able to compartmentalize.

play05:26

But he's all of that.

play05:29

When he goes into a restaurant and they go

play05:30

"Murderer! Murderer!" He's not just that.

play05:34

He also won the Heisman Trophy, he ran...

play05:38

He got 2,000 yards in a 14-game season.

play05:41

It's just like, people are very... they're complex.

play05:44

You think anyone, when he walks into...

play05:45

Complex? You think when he walks into restaurant,

play05:47

anyone yells out "Heisman Trophy!"

play05:51

I would be... I would be adding stuff on.

play05:53

You know, "Naked Gun! Naked Gun! 1 and 2!"

play05:57

I don't like how they interview the coaches too,

play05:59

when they go to the half... like, in half-time.

play06:01

As they're running off, like I think they should

play06:03

just be able to stay focused on the game.

play06:05

They shouldn't have to talk to somebody in

play06:07

like a ski parka. They're like "yeah, you know,

play06:09

you're down by 14, what are your thoughts?"

play06:11

It's like, what the... What do you think my thoughts are?

play06:13

This sucks! I'm worried about my job.

play06:15

I'll probably have to sell my house.

play06:18

My wife's gonna leave me. I need to score

play06:20

more points in the other half.

play06:22

(audience laughing)

play06:23

Who are you? Why am I talking to you?

play06:25

You're not even in football? Did you even play

play06:28

to the high school level?

play06:29

[Conan] No, no. Probably not.

play06:30

You took journalism.

play06:31

[Conan] Yeah.

play06:32

Get outta here.

play06:33

What about...

play06:35

Yeah, it's a bunch of nerds

play06:36

interrupting people who know what they're doing.

play06:39

(audience laughing)

play06:41

And the thing that concerned me the most in sports

play06:43

was, I watched Cleveland play a home game

play06:46

in November, and it was 71 degrees out.

play06:48

And the pitchers were sweating and all that...

play06:50

No, that's not a good thing, people.

play06:51

(audience laughing)

play06:54

This is the golden age of global warming.

play06:56

So take it in. Stick your arm out the window.

play06:58

Before the hellfires come.

play07:01

Well, always nice to cheer up the crowd.

play07:04

That's when you know you're in trouble.

play07:06

In the NFL, is when you just stand there...

play07:08

I don't even know what that means, "we gotta get it right."

play07:11

"We didn't get it right, but we're gonna work on

play07:13

trying to get it right, so next time

play07:16

we gotta get it right."

play07:18

(audience laughing)

play07:20

"I'm embarrassed for my actions.

play07:22

I'm embarrassed for the League.

play07:26

Embarrassed for anyone on the same continent as me.

play07:31

We didn't get it right, we gotta get it right next time,

play07:33

we're gonna work on getting it right."

play07:35

Starts with that, and then the next day

play07:37

the guy's on the sports talk radio.

play07:38

You know the "and, and, and" guys?

play07:39

[Conan] Yeah, yeah.

play07:40

That connects all their thoughts with that.

play07:42

Like "they came out in the firs quarter, and...

play07:44

they were all over 'em!"

play07:46

Those guys jump on it. "What does this say?

play07:48

What does... what does the League.. What kind of message...

play07:51

what kind of message are they sending out?"

play07:53

Like, I don't... It's like, what...

play07:53

What message are they sending out?

play07:56

Do you think I'm gonna see this guy hit a woman,

play07:57

and then I'm gonna do it?

play07:59

[Conan] Right.

play08:00

Right?

play08:01

Right.

play08:02

I wasn't gonna hit a woman, but then that guy

play08:02

in the Ravens did it, so I guess it's okay.

play08:05

(audience laughing)

play08:07

"They got a real problem!"

play08:08

It drove me nuts the whole month.

play08:09

"They got a real problem in the NFL."

play08:11

As compared to what? Plumbers? Electricians?

play08:15

Society in general? There's a lot of great people

play08:17

that play football. The League's gonna be fine.

play08:21

A lot of New England fans get upset that

play08:23

Brady didn't catch that pass.

play08:24

He should have laid out.

play08:26

What?

play08:27

It's the Super Bowl. He should have laid out.

play08:28

He should have extended his whole body and grabbed it?

play08:31

You know what was funny? Was when, on that play

play08:33

you actually saw his age? You know?

play08:35

If you... when he stands in the pocket, he looks 25.

play08:38

The second he starts running, it's like,

play08:39

dude, I could D this guy up.

play08:41

(audience laughing)

play08:43

Like, did you see last year...

play08:45

Last year when he threw that pick-6,

play08:46

when he dove to tackle that guy, it looked

play08:48

like somebody threw a dead body out of a car.

play08:51

Like, his arm moved, and that was it. But-

play08:54

(laughing)

play08:56

When he stands in the pocket, he looks like an astronaut.

play08:58

Yeah, yeah.

play08:59

You're just like, this guy, he's gonna live forever.

play09:01

His like, cocoon or something.

play09:02

Yeah.

play09:03

I go to a big college football game, rivalry game,

play09:04

every year. This year I went to

play09:06

University of Miami vs. South Florida State.

play09:09

And I had a great time, insane fans. But...

play09:11

You know, I made sure that when I saw Florida State,

play09:13

it was an away game. Because I actually like Florida State,

play09:15

but that tomahawk chop thing drives me nuts. And

play09:18

it has nothing to even do with the Native American thing,

play09:21

it's the fact that they do it every, like three seconds.

play09:24

They form a huddle, and all of a sudden the band

play09:26

starts playing, and everybody in the crowd is like (moaning)

play09:32

Like... and they never get sick of it.

play09:33

It's like the band knows one song. It's like, I got it.

play09:36

(audience laughing)

play09:37

You know what's funny? You know what's funny about that?

play09:39

Is, you know like Native Americans never even did that.

play09:42

You know, like white people came up with that

play09:44

in like the 1920's, when they were making like...

play09:48

They first got sound in movies, like

play09:50

"what do they sound like?" "I don't know."

play09:52

They got some moron on their set,

play09:53

all of a sudden just starts going (moaning)

play09:58

"Yeah, that sounds good. Put some rouge on his face,

play10:01

and have him do it with an axe. This'll be great."

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It's like, how do you... I don't know how you...

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No, no.

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And even if I was the biggest Florida State fan ever,

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like, even like halfway through the first quarter,

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I'm tapping out. It's like...

play10:13

Can we get another song going here.

play10:15

[Conan] Yeah. Something.

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I don't know, I think I made the point.

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Yeah, you made the point.

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(audience laughing)

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I was talking to my buddy the other day, like

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what they would have to do to get me to stop watching.

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You know, like-

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[Conan] Because you love football.

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Yeah, the commissioner could literally punt a baby

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across his office with his wingtips on.

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I'm still gonna watch on Sunday.

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I don't condone the man's actions, but it's football.

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I have to watch it. This is all I have.

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