When Our ‘Feelings’ Become Our God | Khutbah Highlight | Nouman Ali Khan | Dublin, Ireland
Summary
TLDRThe speaker explores the shift in how psychological terms are used in modern society, suggesting that concepts like self-care, boundaries, and gaslighting are often misapplied or weaponized. He argues that while psychology is a valuable field, it has sometimes replaced religious and philosophical approaches to dealing with emotional struggles, leading to a focus on self-gratification. He emphasizes the importance of faith in navigating life's challenges and warns against judging others' hearts based on popular psychological labels, urging a return to principles rooted in religious teachings.
Takeaways
- 😊 **Psychology's Evolution**: The speaker discusses how psychology has evolved and sometimes undermines traditional experiences by reframing negative behavior as self-care or boundary-setting.
- 🤔 **Misuse of Psychological Terms**: Popular psychology, especially on social media, leads to the misuse of terms like 'narcissism,' 'gaslighting,' and 'toxic' without proper understanding.
- 💡 **Impact on Religion**: The rise of psychology has replaced religion and philosophy as sources of guidance for emotional difficulties, which can remove God from the equation.
- 📚 **Psychology as a Science**: Psychology is a complex and diverse field with many subfields, yet its purpose can be compromised when disconnected from spiritual guidance.
- 🔍 **Misdiagnosis and Pop Psychology**: The speaker criticizes how non-experts popularize and oversimplify psychological concepts, leading to widespread misdiagnosis and misunderstanding.
- ⚖️ **Balancing Emotions with Faith**: Islam teaches that faith should guide individuals through negative emotions and traumatic experiences, rather than solely relying on psychological concepts.
- 🔄 **Reconciliation in Islam**: The speaker emphasizes that Islam advocates for reconciliation and forgiveness, even in difficult family situations, instead of labeling and distancing.
- 🛑 **Judging Hearts in Islam**: Islam forbids judging the state of another person’s heart, a practice that has become common in modern psychology when labeling people with terms like 'narcissist.'
- 🎯 **Emotions as a False God**: The speaker warns against allowing emotions to become a 'god,' leading to misguided actions and judgments without spiritual guidance.
- 🌟 **Guidance Through Faith**: True guidance in dealing with life’s difficulties comes from maintaining faith in Allah, which helps navigate emotions and experiences.
Q & A
What does the speaker identify as a shift in how certain behaviors are perceived in modern society?
-The speaker notes that behaviors once considered arrogant are now labeled as self-care, and what was once seen as bad behavior is now called drawing boundaries. Similarly, telling someone a harsh truth might now be labeled as gaslighting.
How does the speaker describe the impact of psychology on traditional ways of dealing with emotional difficulties?
-The speaker argues that before psychology, people turned to religion or philosophy to address emotional difficulties. With the rise of psychology, these spiritual and philosophical approaches were gradually replaced by a focus on understanding oneself through psychological methods, which the speaker suggests removes God from the equation.
What concern does the speaker express about the popularization of psychology through social media?
-The speaker is concerned that unqualified individuals on social media, with large followings, are oversimplifying and misrepresenting psychological concepts, leading to widespread self-diagnosis and misuse of terms like 'narcissist' and 'toxic,' even within the Muslim community.
What does the speaker say about the misuse of psychological terms within the Muslim community?
-The speaker highlights that terms like 'gaslighting,' 'toxic,' and 'narcissist' are being misused within the Muslim community, often to label family members and justify distancing oneself from them, which the speaker believes contradicts Islamic teachings on family relationships.
How does the speaker contrast the teachings of the Quran with modern psychological practices?
-The speaker contrasts modern psychological practices, which often encourage self-care and boundary-setting at the expense of relationships, with Quranic teachings that emphasize patience, forgiveness, and maintaining family ties, even in difficult situations.
What does the speaker suggest is the proper way to deal with traumatic experiences according to the Quran?
-The speaker suggests that according to the Quran, one should face traumatic experiences with faith, believing that Allah will guide their heart through negative emotions. This process strengthens one’s Iman (faith), which is the greatest asset a person can have.
What example does the speaker use to illustrate how prophets dealt with difficult family relationships?
-The speaker references the Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham) and his difficult relationship with his father. Despite being expelled from his home, Ibrahim remained respectful and prayed for his father's forgiveness, rather than labeling him as toxic or cutting him off.
What criticism does the speaker offer regarding the use of judgmental labels in modern psychology?
-The speaker criticizes the modern trend of labeling people with terms like 'narcissist' or 'toxic,' arguing that these labels are judgments of a person’s heart, which Islam does not allow. The speaker warns against the casual and unjustifiable use of such labels.
How does the speaker view the role of emotions in guiding behavior according to the Quran?
-The speaker warns against letting emotions guide behavior, as this can lead to misguidance. The speaker cites a Quranic verse that describes people who turn their desires into their gods, suggesting that such individuals become misguided because they replace Allah with their own feelings.
What final advice does the speaker offer regarding the understanding and application of psychological concepts?
-The speaker advises against misdiagnosing oneself or others with psychological labels without proper knowledge. They emphasize the importance of not allowing pop psychology to undermine family relationships and faith, urging people to be cautious with the use of psychological terms.
Outlines
🤔 Shifting Perspectives in Psychology and Self-Care
The paragraph discusses how modern psychology has transformed certain behaviors and attitudes. What was once considered arrogance or harshness is now often rebranded as self-care or boundary-setting. This shift is seen as problematic because it can undermine significant life experiences and essential truths, as people prioritize feeling good over facing difficult realities. The text also hints at a broader critique of how psychological terms like gaslighting are used to label and dismiss valid criticisms.
😌 The Influence of Pop Psychology on Perception
This paragraph expands on the impact of popular psychology, which often simplifies complex psychological concepts and uses them to explain away uncomfortable truths. It argues that terms like narcissism and toxicity are weaponized to dismiss people who challenge others' comfort or happiness. This trend, the author suggests, can lead to a superficial understanding of psychological issues and a departure from deeper spiritual or religious principles.
💡 Lessons from Religious Figures on Handling Conflict
The paragraph draws parallels between the experiences of religious figures, such as prophets, and modern psychological concepts like trauma and toxicity. It highlights how these figures faced severe trials and interpersonal conflicts with faith and patience rather than labeling others with psychological terms. The text contrasts this approach with the modern tendency to distance oneself from difficult relationships under the guise of self-care, suggesting a return to more forgiving and compassionate responses.
🌱 Encouraging Reconciliation over Judgment in Family Conflicts
This paragraph explores how to handle conflicts within families, emphasizing forgiveness and reconciliation over judgment and distancing. It critiques the popular psychological approach of labeling family members as toxic or abusive, suggesting instead that even in extreme cases, there is room for forgiveness and turning the page. The text underscores the importance of managing conflicts with patience, kindness, and faith, in line with religious teachings.
📖 The Value of Deep Quranic Study
The final paragraph shifts focus to promoting the study of the Quran. It highlights the extensive resources available for those interested in deepening their understanding of the Quran, encouraging readers to engage in organized study rather than relying on scattered online content. The paragraph underscores the importance of integrating Quranic learning into daily life, positioning it as a continuous journey for both individuals and families.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Self-care
💡Gaslighting
💡Boundaries
💡Trauma
💡Psychology
💡Social media
💡Faith (Iman)
💡Narcissism
💡Pop psychology
💡Islamic perspective on adversity
Highlights
The speaker discusses the shift in perception where behaviors like arrogance are now often rebranded as self-care, and how boundaries are drawn in ways that may undermine important life experiences.
Psychology has become a major influence in understanding ourselves, replacing religion and philosophy as the primary methods people used to cope with emotional challenges.
Psychology aims to explore the self, but often removes God from the equation, which the speaker believes can lead to misguided understandings and practices.
Pop psychology, especially through social media, has led to the spread of simplified, sometimes misleading concepts, with unqualified individuals gaining large followings despite lacking deep expertise.
The misuse of psychological terms like 'narcissist,' 'toxic,' and 'gaslighting' has become common, even among the Muslim community, which the speaker argues can lead to unjust judgments and harm.
The speaker highlights that Islamic teachings encourage facing traumatic experiences with faith rather than avoiding them, emphasizing that guidance comes from enduring difficulties with trust in God.
Prophets in Islam experienced severe trials, yet they dealt with these challenges without resorting to labeling others as toxic or narcissistic, instead showing compassion and maintaining their faith.
The speaker warns against using psychological labels to judge others' hearts, which is forbidden in Islam, emphasizing that only God knows what is in someone's heart.
The speaker explains that true faith (Iman) helps guide the heart through negative emotions and traumatic experiences, which is a core teaching in the Quran.
Modern pop psychology is critiqued for promoting self-centeredness by encouraging individuals to prioritize their feelings over reason and religious principles.
Islamic teachings provide solutions for handling conflicts and emotional challenges, encouraging forgiveness, patience, and maintaining relationships rather than severing ties hastily.
The speaker contrasts the approach of pop psychology, which often advocates for drawing boundaries and walking away from difficult situations, with the Quran's emphasis on reconciliation and forgiveness.
There is a concern that pop psychology leads to a culture where people worship their own feelings instead of God, which the speaker sees as a significant spiritual danger.
Islamic teachings stress that suffering and hardship are tests of faith, and enduring them with trust in God is essential for spiritual growth.
The speaker concludes by urging caution in using psychological terms without proper understanding and encourages aligning psychological practices with Islamic principles.
Transcripts
what used to be arrogance can now be
called self-care what used to be bad can
now be called drawing a boundary what
used to you know what used to be telling
you know somebody's telling you a harsh
truth
what meaning you're telling somebody a
truth that maybe they don't want to hear
but you need they need to hear it you
say this is this is gaslighting I'm
being gas lit so now what we do is we
take
psychology and we actually undermines
some of the most important experiences
in our lives because the biggest the
ultimate thing is I need to feel good
anything that gets in the way of me
feeling good is bad for my
[Music]
psychology but I wanted to turn this
conversation briefly towards something
else I wanted to turn it towards a new
science that took hold of the world in
the last 100 to 150 years and that's the
science of
psychology before psychology when a
human being experienced difficulty
emotionally they went through a tough
experience or they wanted to overcome
their sadness and their grief for
example right they would turn towards
religion before psychology or they would
turn towards philosophy because
philosophy asked the question what is
pain why is there suffering in the world
what is this world all about right
philosophers try to answer this question
so doesn't matter what religion people
turn towards religion to answer their
questions of the things that were
troubling them in their heart but then
philosophy and even the spiritual study
of psychology spirituality they
basically got replaced slowly with this
new thing we now call psychology and a
psychology is an attempt to understand
ourselves understand our deepest
thoughts understand our subconscious
understand our emotions understand other
people's behavior our own behavior right
you people go to a therapist and say why
do I get so angry all the time why can't
I stop crying you know why do people
treat me this way etc etc and you know
I'm a student of psychology myself and I
can tell you it's a very elaborate
science it's an exhaustive study there
are it's not just one subject it's
actually multiple departments social
psychology personality psychology
abnormal psychology these are worlds
within world within worlds and people
have dedicated entire academic careers
to exploring more and more areas of
psychology all of it by the way is
connected to Something in the Quran
Allah
said they'll we'll show them our ayat
inside themselves and what is psychology
doing it's an exploration of the self
that's what it is but it removes
fundamentally removes God from the
equation now the per you know like I
said science with without purpose can
give you chemical weapons can give you
addictive
drugs psychology with the removal of
purpose removal of Allah from the
equation what does it give you something
has to be there that is the ultimate
truth and for what ha what happened in
the world of psychology and what's even
crazier is not just in the academic
psychology with because of social media
something else happened before I get to
my observations and that is that in any
subject let's say
physics any subject let's say
mechanics there are people that actually
know mechanics they actually know
physics and those are professors and
phds and researchers but they don't have
a YouTube
page but there's an 18-year-old who's
read a couple of books on it and he's
got a 5 million followers on his YouTube
page and he's a much more popular you
know content producer on physics even
though some of his physics is a joke if
academics actually looked at his work
they'd say what is this but he's got
more followers because now you can
present content in a more interesting
way even if it's not well researched and
it will sound convincing right so what
happened with the world of psychology
there is phds and research and Analysis
and books and then there are people who
come up with their own content and
they'll come up and say let me tell you
what a narcissist is let me tell you
what a toxic person is let me tell you
how to draw boundaries let me tell you
if this let me tell you about trauma and
you've got these people that just
became self
diagnosing and now these terms became
popular among even the Muslim Community
now you have a young man saying you know
my father's so toxic he's always
gaslighting me I need to draw some
boundaries between myself and my dad
because he's really getting in my my
emotional space and I need some healing
and I need to have some self-care so
what used to be arrogance can now be
called self-care what used to be bad can
now be called drawing a boundary what
used to you know what used to be telling
you know somebody's telling you a harsh
truth what
the meaning you're telling somebody a
truth that maybe they don't want to hear
but you need they need to hear it you
say this is this is gaslighting I'm
being gas lit so now what we do is we
take
psychology and we actually undermine
some of the most important experiences
in our lives because the biggest the
ultimate thing is I need to feel good
anything that gets in the way of me
feeling good is bad for my
psychology it's so be the ultimate goal
is to keep yourself happy anything gets
in that way it's toxic it's narcissist
this person is narcissistic they're not
drawing their out boundary I'm being
triggered you're being
triggered what does the Quran say about
that what what happens when you have an
and by the way I'm not dismissing
somebody having a traumatic
experience I don't dismiss that there's
such a thing as narcissism these things
exist what I'm saying is we have turned
them into weaponized terms we don't even
understand them ourselves and it's
actually starting to impact the way we
think about our own religion our our our
CH we're not even contemplating how many
of these Concepts violate principles of
the Quran direct principles of the Quran
I'll just give you one example
in Allah said and this is what I recited
at the beginning of this but Allah
said whatever Calamity happened to you
whatever struck any any any kind of
Calamity that struck somebody got in a
car accident somebody got got diagnosed
with a disease somebody's family member
passed away somebody lost a job somebody
got into a fight with their spouse and
they're getting divorced somebody you
know walked ran away from home somebody
you know they they they don't want to
deal with their family anymore so they
blocked every number and now they're
just gone forever you have a brother
that doesn't talk to you doesn't won't
pick up your calls won't respond to your
text messages you have a son who hates
your guts you have a you have a a mother
who just walked away from the family it
happens there's people experience
different kinds of calamities in
life the first thing Allah says no no
nothing struck anyone ever except that
Allah allowed that to happen number one
but then the question is why did Allah
allow something so terrible to happen
why would that happen and Allah says
sometimes in this Ayah there are many
ayat on this but this Ayah Allah teaches
us a powerful lesson he
says whoever truly has faith in Allah
Allah will guide that person's heart
Allah will guide their heart now what is
Allah saying Allah is saying my heart
feels anxiety my heart feels anger my
heart feels sadness my heart feels
frustration my heart feels this person
got away with something they should they
deserve justice they got away with it my
heart feels that it's it was unfair my
heart feels unrest my heart feels all of
these things but if I have IM in Allah
Allah will guide my heart through these
negative
emotions actually some of those negative
experiences are a test of my Iman and if
I do have IM Allah will guide my
heart in other words I'm supposed to go
through through some of these difficult
experiences to truly experience guidance
I have to go and this will be the way my
IM gets secured and Iman is the greatest
asset a human being can have because on
Judgment Day the only thing that
matters the only people nothing will be
of any benefit except people who come
before Allah and they have a good heart
and the only way to have a good heart is
to have IM in that heart and the only
way they have IM in that heart is Allah
will guide that heart and the only way
that heart to to be guided is to go
through a tough experience and hold on
to your faith anyway and not let that be
that be shaken and you stay the
court so this is this is a remarkable
thing Allah has said in this Ayah Allah
is telling us to face a traumatic
experience to face it to deal with it
but deal with it with faith and not let
it change
you and this is why the best people the
best people that ever lived the prophets
themselves
every one of them are victims of trauma
if you want to use psychological terms
every one of them were surrounded by
toxic
people every one of them had their
boundaries crossed every one of them
every last one of them had to experience
narcissism isn't it didn't ibraim Alam
have a toxic father didn't yfam have
narcissistic Brothers didn't they
you know isn't he a victim of family
abuse wasn't he being gaslit when he was
being called a
thief isn't this what was happening to
them even ibraim Alam when he's being
expelled from his own
home you know he turns back to his
father and he
uses he turn my my beloved
father he turns to his father and says
Dad I still love you you may not be good
to me but that doesn't mean I will no
longer longer be good to you and I'll
still pray for you to be
forgiven I'll I'll I'll pray for you
still I I you know cuz maybe Allah will
turn your heart I can't do anything
about it I have to leave now that's okay
but I still care about you he doesn't
say you know what you are a narcissist
you are a toxic person I'm glad now
there's a distance between us I need to
keep you away from my own personal
healing this is not his attitude
this is not his approach what we have
done is we have created and the these
judgments these these
labels they are against the fundamental
teachings of our Dean and I'll leave you
one last one last especially within our
families okay somebody you could have a
argument between husband and wife
happens okay don't raise your hand but
if you have an argument husband and wife
and one of you says you know you're so
you're such an abuser you're such a
gaslighter instead of what does the dean
tell us to
say Allah
says that uh uh tell my servants say
something that is better and more
beautiful because Shan will try to cause
friction between you chaos between you
Discord between you if there's an
argument happening and you hear
something painful you could respond with
something that will make things worse
you can also respond with something that
can change the direction of the
conversation towards something better
Allah is not telling you to walk away
from the conversation Allah is telling
you to deal with the conversation if the
conversation is completely out of hand
Allah is
saying when when the ignorant address
them they walk away peacefully they say
peace they don't walk away stormed out
they walk away
peacefully but in this ay in I learned
something I was fascinated by being a
student of psychology I was fascinated
by it
those of you who believe some among your
children and among your spouses there
may be enemies for
you this is in Medina the Surah was
revealed in Medina s alhi wasallam was
living among the Jewish and Christian
tribes and he was also among many among
the Muslims were actually leading
towards n they were leading towards
hypocrisy and you don't know in your
family who really has IM who doesn't
there was a mix and Allah is that now
the prophet wasam says get ready for bad
or get ready for and some family memb
saying why are you going to get yourself
killed stay home just tell them you got
sick just just I'll just say you were
you
overslept tell them later and they're
trying to hold you back they're trying
to you know cuz they they don't want
them to go why do you have to go every
morning at fuder can you just stay you
know and they're having these
conversations and Allah tells him that
there may be among you so people that
the family is so extreme that they might
even be enemies for you that extreme I
mean you don't use this Ayah and go home
and say now I know what you are to
me it's not this is an extreme case
these are extreme cases the wordu is not
used lightly in the Quran okay but this
is the extreme case fine an extreme case
can exist an extreme case where your own
spouse and your own children according
to Allah are what an enemy what do you
do in the extreme case well what you do
from the pop psychology perspective the
Instagram psychologist can tell you what
you do in such extreme cases is you draw
some boundaries and you walk away and
you heal yourself and you you know
declare them abusers and all all this
stuff and what does the Quran say
okay and if you can forgive if you can
overl look you can cover their mistakes
okay at one point they became really
aggressive but now they're really sorry
about that you know don't bring it up
again means to turn the page from Turn
the Page you know what that means I
remember what you did last year you
remember I still remember those words do
you remember what you
said that's not
I'm still traumatized about that let me
repeat it again as if it happened right
I didn't say it again no no but it's
still hurts me though I'm still
traumatized therefore I need to do VI of
that all the time I need to give you a
about that all the time Allah says if
you can just turn the page then Allah is
forgiving too maybe things will
reconcile even in the worst case there's
room for reconciliation there's room to
make things better but if the hearts are
not if if you're too absorbed in
yourself you're not going to look for a
solution the only thing that you want to
serve is your own your wishes and so
this is the this the last thing I will
share with you the the direction that
psychology is in going in now pop
psychology reminds me of the a
of did you see someone who takes their
feeling their empty feeling and it turns
that it they turn it into their
God their God has become their
feeling and Allah allows this person to
be
misguided even though they have
knowledge they can know they can be a
PhD they can be a doctor they can be a
professional but they are being led by
their emotions and they give themselves
a new diagnosis and give thems other
people are diagnosis depending on how
they make them feel today you're a
narcissist tomorrow you're an abuser the
next day you're a toxic person the next
day you're this the next day you're
depressed the next day you're you know
uh you have attachment
issues you're just throw out these
diagnosis label
people you know Allah says and this kind
of a person Allah will put a hear a
ceiling on their hearing you know what
that means that means doesn't matter if
you try to reason with them you cannot
reason with people who live by
emotions many of you have experience
this when people are living by their
emotions if you're trying to be logical
it's like talking to a
wall but but I feel but I feel but I
feel the feeling is that's the
God you know then and Allah places a
cover over their
hearts who's going to guide them after
Allah that ay that last part of that
Ayah who will guide them after Allah you
know what that means they replaced Allah
with their own
feelings that's why there's no more
guidance for them because their is
actually Allah but their became their
haah so Allah
says who's going to guide them after
Allah after they remove Allah from their
hearts what guidance can they have on
the flip side
contemplate when a person experiences
difficulty and Trauma and actual
difficulty in their life whoever turns
back to Allah in faith
will guide that person's
heart Allah knows everything there's
nothing Allah doesn't know Allah guide
our hearts and not allow us to become
you know uh uh worshippers of our own
feelings and actually remain worshippers
of Allah in the depths of our hearts and
may Allah not make us of those who
easily pass judgment on others
unjustifiably you know uh I know this
the HBA is already over but one last
thing I will share with you we cannot
judge another person's heart in Islam I
cannot point at you and say you're a you
have in your heart I can't do it but
there's no way for me to know even Allah
did not let M know if has kufur in his
heart or
not go talk to him
nicely both of you go talk to him nicely
maybe he'll get reminder maybe there's
some part of his heart that can benefit
from a reminder you don't know Ya Allah
it's he kills babies
come come on the guy's heart is made of
some kind of special stone that will
never crack no no no you don't know you
don't get to know this is Allah telling
mus about so I cannot judge another
person's heart but in this new
psychology I can easily judge another
person's heart the moment I call
somebody a narcissist I'm judging them
for their arrogance the moment I call
somebody one of one of these terms I'm
I'm not actually judging their actions
I'm judging the state of their hearts be
careful this is not something our de
allows but we've made this a normal
practice because we're enamored by these
terms now if you're going to understand
these terms if you're not a student of
the subject don't do it don't
misdiagnose yourself and misdiagnose
others it's only creating a problem in
our society and in our
families I hope you guys enjoyed that
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