The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With

Summary

The script delves into the complexities of breaking up with the 'hardest person in the world' to leave. It describes the initial attraction and the gradual realization of a partner's detrimental impact on one's well-being. It outlines two common responses to confrontation: confession without change or outright denial, both leading to emotional turmoil. The narrative emphasizes the necessity of leaving for one's mental health, despite the emotional challenges and the potential self-doubt that ensues.

Takeaways

• 💔 Break-ups are difficult and can vary in complexity depending on the relationship dynamics.
• 🌟 Relationships with the 'hardest person to break up with' start with strong attraction and admiration, but hide a deeper issue.
• 🚫 The partner may have a detrimental effect on your well-being, ranging from physical harm to emotional neglect.
• 🔍 The spectrum of harmful behaviors includes physical violence, infidelity, addiction, financial irresponsibility, and emotional distance.
• 🤯 Initial complaints about the relationship problems are often made indirectly, delaying direct confrontation.
• 🗣 When confronted, the partner may either confess and promise to change or deny the issue and blame the accuser.
• 😢 Confession from the partner can be moving but often leads to unfulfilled promises and a lack of real change.
• 😡 Denial from the partner can lead to self-doubt and a sense of madness for the accuser, questioning their own perceptions.
• 👶 The passage of time and additional commitments, like children, complicate the decision to leave and reduce available options.
• 🧗‍♂️ Leaving such a relationship requires acknowledging the partner's inability to change and recognizing one's own susceptibility to such suffering.
• 🃏 The 'Stay or Leave' card game is suggested as a tool to help navigate the complex decision-making process in relationships.

Q & A

What does the script suggest as the initial attraction in a relationship with the 'hardest person in the world to break up with'?

The script suggests that the initial attraction involves a strong physical attraction and a compelling personality, where you admire and feel sympathy for them, often due to something in their past that touches you.

According to the script, what is the underlying problem that makes it difficult to break up with this type of partner?

The underlying problem is that despite the partner's seemingly positive intentions and expressions of love, they have a detrimental effect on your mental or physical well-being, which is often hidden and hard to confront.

What are some examples of harmful behaviors that the partner might exhibit according to the script?

Examples include physical violence, infidelity, excessive spending, addiction, and emotional unavailability such as constant absence, lack of warmth, and failure to initiate touch or intimacy.

How does the script describe the process of realizing the need to confront the partner about their harmful behavior?

The script describes it as a slow realization and a difficult process of finding one's voice, which can take years before being able to raise an adult objection to the partner's behavior.

What are the two main responses the partner might have when confronted about their harmful behavior?

The two main responses are: (i) They confess and promise to change, but fail to do so, and (ii) They deny the accusations and suggest that the problem lies with you, the accuser.

What challenges does the script highlight when the partner denies the accusations and suggests that the accuser is the one with the problem?

The challenges include the difficulty of proving one's claims without concrete evidence, self-doubt, and the potential for the accuser to start questioning their own sanity and reality, leading to a breakdown in their sense of self.

What is the potential consequence of staying in a relationship with someone who denies the need for change and accuses the accuser of being the problem?

The potential consequences include a deepening sense of isolation, self-doubt, a possible breakdown, and a significant loss of one's mental well-being over time.

What does the script suggest as the necessary mindset for someone who decides to leave such a relationship?

The necessary mindset involves acknowledging that the partner is damaged and unlikely to change, recognizing that they may be exploiting the accuser's trust and self-doubt, and understanding that there may be a history of tolerating intolerable situations.

How does the script recommend seeking support when deciding to leave a difficult relationship?

The script recommends seeking support from a psychotherapist or a very good friend who can reassure the person of their sanity and be there for them during the inevitable moments of doubt and self-blame.

What tool does the script mention that can help in making the decision to stay in or leave a relationship?

The script mentions a 'Stay or Leave card game' as a tool that can help individuals towards finding an answer to whether they should stay in or leave a relationship.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Complexity of Breaking Up with a Difficult Partner

This paragraph discusses the intricacies of ending a relationship with a person who is exceptionally challenging to break up with. It begins by describing the initial attraction and the seemingly mutual desire for a long-term commitment. However, it reveals a hidden, serious problem that negatively impacts one's well-being. The spectrum of issues ranges from physical abuse to emotional neglect. When confronted, the partner may either confess and promise to change without actually doing so, or deny the allegations and shift the blame onto the accuser, making it incredibly difficult for the accuser to assert their feelings and needs.

05:02

😖 The Psychological Struggle of Confronting a Denial in a Relationship

The second paragraph delves into the psychological struggle one faces when their concerns about a relationship's health are met with denial. It explores the doubt and self-questioning that arises when a loved one insists that the accuser is the one with the problem. This denial can lead to a breakdown of the accuser's sense of reality and self-worth, making it even harder to leave the relationship. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing the need to leave for one's mental well-being and suggests seeking support from a psychotherapist or a trusted friend to help navigate the decision-making process and maintain sanity during this challenging time.

Keywords

💡Break-ups

Break-ups refer to the termination of a romantic relationship. In the video's context, it emphasizes the inherent difficulty of ending a relationship, especially when dealing with complex emotional dynamics. The script discusses the spectrum of issues that can lead to a break-up, from physical violence to emotional distance, illustrating the challenges of disentangling oneself from a harmful relationship.

💡Cataclysmically painful

This phrase describes a type of emotional pain that is extreme and overwhelming. It is used in the script to characterize a particularly difficult kind of break-up, where the person involved is exceptionally hard to leave due to their compelling personality and the depth of emotional connection.

💡Mental well-being

Mental well-being refers to a state of emotional and psychological health, where an individual feels positive and functioning well. The script highlights the detrimental effects that a partner can have on one's mental well-being, such as causing stress, anxiety, or depression, which can be a critical factor in deciding to end a relationship.

💡Insidious

Insidious means something harmful or detrimental that spreads gradually and is not easily noticed. In the context of the video, it describes the subtle yet damaging behaviors a partner might exhibit, such as emotional neglect or financial irresponsibility, which can be harder to confront or acknowledge than overt acts of violence.

💡Confrontation

Confrontation is the act of facing a difficult or unpleasant situation directly. The script discusses the process of confronting a partner about the harm they are causing, which can be a pivotal moment in the relationship, often leading to either confession or denial of the issues at hand.

💡Confession

A confession is an admission of wrongdoing or guilt. In the video, it is presented as one possible response when a person confronts their partner about the harm they are causing. The partner's confession can be moving and promising, but the script warns that this may not lead to actual change.

💡Denial

Denial is a refusal to accept the reality or truth of a situation. The script describes a scenario where a partner denies causing harm, instead blaming the accuser for their perceptions and feelings. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and a further deterioration of the relationship.

💡Self-doubt

Self-doubt is the feeling of uncertainty about one's own abilities, decisions, or worth. The video discusses how a partner's denial can instill self-doubt in the accuser, making them question their own perceptions and feelings, which can be a powerful tool of manipulation in a relationship.

💡Psychotherapist

A psychotherapist is a professional who provides therapy to help individuals cope with mental health issues. The script suggests that seeking the help of a psychotherapist can be crucial in providing support and validation during the difficult process of ending a harmful relationship.

💡Stay or Leave

This phrase represents the decision-making process about whether to remain in or exit a relationship. The video uses the concept to highlight the complexity and emotional weight of such a choice, suggesting that external tools, like the mentioned card game, might aid in navigating this challenging decision.

💡Self-hating

Self-hating refers to a negative self-evaluation or self-loathing. The script uses this term to describe the internal conflict one might experience when deciding to leave a relationship, feeling as though they are being impatient or making mistakes, despite knowing that it might be the best decision for their well-being.

Highlights

Break-ups are universally challenging, with varying degrees of complexity depending on the individuals involved.

There exists a particularly difficult type of person to break up with, who may appear ideal but have deeply damaging effects on your well-being.

These relationships often start with strong attraction and admiration, with no initial desire to end the relationship.

The problematic partner may show no intention of leaving and expresses a desire for a long-term commitment.

A hidden, serious issue gradually surfaces, impacting the individual's mental or physical health.

The harmful behaviors can range from physical violence to emotional distance and lack of intimacy.

Confronting these issues is difficult and often delayed due to love and a desire to maintain the relationship.

When confronted, the partner may either confess and promise to change or deny the issues entirely.

Confession often leads to temporary adjustments but not lasting change, trapping the individual in the relationship.

Denial can be even more damaging, as it shifts the blame onto the accuser, causing self-doubt and confusion.

The denial response can lead to a breakdown of the individual's sense of reality and mental well-being.

Leaving such a relationship is essential for long-term health, but it is an extremely difficult decision.

The decision to leave is often made in isolation, with feelings of being nasty or mad for doubting a loving partner.

Recognizing the partner's inability or unwillingness to change is a crucial step in deciding to leave.

Understanding one's own history of tolerating suffering can provide insight into the tendency to remain in such relationships.

Seeking support from a therapist or a trusted friend is vital in the process of leaving a damaging relationship.

The Stay or Leave card game is introduced as a tool to help individuals navigate the complex decision of whether to remain in or leave a relationship.

Transcripts

Break-ups are almost invariably difficult, but that isn’t to say there aren’t different

degrees of complexity at stake in different constellations. Nor does it preclude the existence

of a cataclysmically painful but too-little known type whom we can call the hardest person

in the world to break up with. A relationship with them begins like this:

you’re very drawn to them. Perhaps they very much attract you physically and their

personality is compelling as well. You admire them and, in areas, feel a lot of sympathy

for them too; there’s probably something in their past which really interests and touches

you. You have no desire to break up, and in fact, you’d love this to last till the end.

For their part, they seem to be keen on you. That’s what they’ve said on a number of

occasions. They show no interest in leaving you. They want this to be for the long-term,

perhaps forever. And yet there is a problem, a problem so grave

and yet so hidden, so damaging and yet so hard to grasp, that you can only bear slowly

to face up to it. You start to realise that the partner whom you love and who says they

love you is having a grievously detrimental effect on your mental or physical well-being.

What wrong might the partner be perpetrating? It is a spectrum. At one end, they might be

hitting you. But the spectrum is long and it contains all sorts of far more insidious

ways in which, without ever raising a hand, let alone a finger, one human can badly damage

another. They might be having affairs, or spending too much money. They might be addicted

to something. Or, and this is properly hard to get a grip on, they may be constantly ‘absent‘.

They show no reliable warmth towards you, they never initiate any touch, they may never

hug. They are present but not really there. Probably, as soon as these problems first

arose, you started to complain. But you did so softly, or sarcastically or bitterly. Not

head on. After all, you love them and you’re a good boy or girl. It can take a long time,

years, decades, before you finally dare to find your voice and come to a place of being

able to raise an adult objection. What then happens when you at last ask these types to

face up to the harm you feel they are doing to you? There are two main responses, both

of them are appallingly hard to master, the second is the very hardest.

(i) They Confess it Fed up at last, you tell them that you’ve

had enough of the violence, affairs, addiction, financial spend, distance, lack of intimacy,

lack of sex… You raise an ultimatum. If they don’t finally raise their game, you’re

going to be leaving (even though, of course, it’s the last thing you really want; you

love them!). You may be shaking and flushed after you have spoken. You’re feeling you

might be crazy (surely it’s crazy to threaten to leave someone you love who says they love

you!). You’d expected all sorts of dark responses on their part – but something

that is on the surface rather lovely now happens. They admit it! They confess! They say, my

goodness you’re right, I hadn’t really fully realised until now, until you made me

finally open my eyes to how I’ve harmed you. Baby, I hear you! Baby, I’m so sorry!

The person promises that they will now change. They just need a bit of time, they just need

your understanding. They suggest getting themselves a therapist, once a month or so. And then

they’ll get on top of their issues. Their ready candour is deeply moving – and suggests

they really have a handle on their psyches. You are, in any case, desperate to believe

them, they have a very willing audience indeed. The problem is that, despite their promises,

the person doesn’t change at all. They make a short term adjustment, strong enough to

ensure you won’t leave them on the time-scale you were threatening, but not profound enough

to correct the problem – and allow you your freedom. And in the gap between their promise

to change and your realisation that they haven’t got the ability (or perhaps intention) to

do so, children may have been born (they wanted kids to keep you around; you wanted them as

a token of the happy future that was being promised). Commitments pile up, and there

are fewer options left in the world beyond. You might not be so young any more.

(ii) They Deny it However hideous all the above sounds, there

is an even worse kind of relationship to leave than that. This is one with the same dynamics

but with one extra twist at the end. When you finally confront them with the problem,

they don’t confess: they deny it! They tell you you’re dreaming: you’re imagining

it, not remotely, the problem lies with you, they say. At the same time, they get very

incensed and offended at the suggestion you’re making: you’re so cynical about me, don’t

you trust me?! How rude you are about me! Why don’t you have more faith in me and

in us? And they push back: you’re just as neurotic as you say I am. The problem is with

you and not me… This is mine-field territory. Relationships and their interactions are generally

not filmed. So it’s very hard for you to back up your claims or even be sure of your

verdicts, when they are relentlessly challenged: is the loved one spending too much money;

or am I just nagging? Are they actually flirting; or am I just jealous? Are they failing to

initiate sex; or am I just insecure? The partner whom you love and really don’t want to leave

and who says they love you adds to the difficulty you face by enthusiastically telling you,

with authority, that you really are a bit crazy, that you are seeing things, that you

are too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you… Probably, you’re an open

minded, nice, intelligent person – and open-minded, nice, intelligent people tend to give others

the benefit of the doubt. After all, such types know they aren’t perfect, they’re

aware of everything they get wrong, they don’t feel they’re brilliant in every way. Therefore,

perhaps it’s quite plausible that here too, you may be seeing things that aren’t there.

Why insist, especially when you love your partner and want to be with them? Here is

a nice person telling you you are a bit mad and imagining things? It’s a dispiriting

message, but if disregarding your impulses (and your emotional needs) is the price you

pay for keeping a relationship aloft, maybe it’s worth it. Maybe it’s worth thinking

of yourself as a bit insane. At least you’ll still have a partner. So, more time passes,

and you stay put – and in that time, probably there are more children, more entanglements,

and less of life left for you to build on afterwards. There is also highly likely to

be a destruction of your sense of reality. You will probably start to feel as mad as

you’re being subtly told you are. You might have a breakdown – which isn’t an ideal

backdrop against which to leave anyone. All that said, in both of the above cases,

eventually, you will have to leave. Your long-term mental well-being depends on it. But it isn’t

a picnic, having to leave someone you love; who says they love you – and who is either

falsely promising to change or denying they need to change because you’re the defective

one to begin with. You will feel extremely alone with this decision.

You will be left to wrestle either with feelings that you are nasty (for leaving someone who

is promising again and again to change) or that you are mad (for leaving someone who

tells you you’re demented to doubt their sincerity). You will have to destroy a relationship

that might have children in it on the basis of nothing more firm than an inner sense that

your partner is doing something seriously deficient to your wellbeing and cannot stop

themselves doing it – despite telling you they love you.

And yet you will have to leave. In order to leave, you will need to think in your mind:

I am in love with someone who is damaged. They cannot realistically change and may even

be using me as a reason not to change. Or they are in denial and are abusing my credulity

and self-doubt not to look more honestly into themselves. And you will have to think: there

is probably something in my past, a history of putting up with intolerable situations,

which makes me a long-term sucker for this sort of suffering.

Mountain climbers know that certain peaks cannot be climbed on one’s own. You need

a climbing buddy, and in this context, let’s call them a psychotherapist or a very very

good friend, the sort who can put in the time to reassure you of your sanity and who can

be there for you at the inevitable moments when you feel like you’re making the worst

choice in the world even though, despite your self-hating feelings that you’re impatient

or getting everything wrong, you are in fact in the process of taking the very best decision

of your life.

Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship is one of the trickiest and consequential decisions we can face.

Our Stay or Leave card game can help us towards an answer. Click now to learn more.