How to Overcome Toxic Shame with Peter A. Levine, PhD

Summary

This script delves into the profound impact of chronic shame, a destructive emotion rooted in trauma and betrayal. It discusses the origins of toxic shame in childhood abuse and the fear of social rejection, which can lead to a deep-seated sense of 'Badness.' The speaker guides listeners through exercises to recognize and release shame from the body, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and the journey from humiliation to pride and dignity. The script encourages healing through self-care and acceptance, suggesting resources for further support.

Takeaways

• 🔒 Chronic shame is a deeply rooted emotion that can cause significant distress, often linked to trauma and betrayal.
• 🌱 Shame can be likened to a cancerous tumor that grows from the injury of trauma and spreads to affect all aspects of life.
• 👶 The two main sources of toxic shame are childhood trauma and the fear of social ostracism.
• 👧 When children are abused, they often internalize a sense of 'Badness', believing something is fundamentally wrong with them.
• 🏠 Children may blame themselves for abuse as a survival strategy, assuming they have some control over the situation.
• 🧩 This can lead to 'splitting', where one parent is seen as 'bad' and the other as 'good', rather than understanding the complexity of relationships.
• 🤝 Social rejection, especially during adolescence, can feel like a life-threatening experience due to the importance of peer groups.
• 💔 Shame and humiliation from exclusion can cause deep emotional pain and have long-lasting effects.
• 🤔 The speaker suggests reflecting on what one would say to their adolescent self to reassure them of survival and support.
• 🧘‍♂️ An exercise is provided to help break the cycle of shame by noticing the physical postures associated with it and then slowly moving out of them.
• 💖 The opposite of shame is authentic pride and dignity, which can be reclaimed by recognizing and moving beyond the physical sensations of shame.

Q & A

What is chronic shame and why is it considered immobilizing?

Chronic shame is a complex and corrosive emotion that often underlies pain, anxiety, and depression. It is described as immobilizing because it can deeply affect a person's life, causing a loss of connection with their authentic self and a sense of belonging in the world.

How does chronic shame originate from interpersonal trauma?

Chronic shame originates from interpersonal trauma such as abuse and betrayal, which become deeply lodged in the body and mind, leading to a pervasive sense of 'Badness' and affecting all aspects of a person's life.

What are the two main sources of toxic shame mentioned in the script?

The two main sources of toxic shame are: 1) Trauma, abuse, and humiliation experienced during childhood, leading to an overall sense of Badness; and 2) The fear of ostracism or rejection from a group, which can happen at different ages and is particularly impactful during adolescence.

How does a child's mind internalize the experience of abuse?

A child's mind internalizes abuse by attributing the cause to their own Badness, which gives them a sense of control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. This is a primitive internalized deduction that occurs without words, context, or even thoughts, manifesting as an oppressive sensation of their own Badness.

What is the concept of 'splitting' in the context of a child's perception of their parents?

Splitting is a psychological defense mechanism where a child perceives one parent as entirely 'bad' and the other as entirely 'good'. This occurs because the child cannot reconcile the fact that the same person who is supposed to care for them is also the source of trauma.

Why is rejection from a group considered a major cause of shame?

Rejection from a group is a major cause of shame because it triggers deep emotional pain associated with the fear of ostracism, which in primitive societies could lead to death due to the inability to attach to another group.

How does the experience of shame during adolescence differ from other life stages?

During adolescence, peer groups become vitally important, and exclusion from these groups can feel like a life-threatening event, causing intense shame and humiliation that can have long-lasting effects.

What exercise is suggested in the script to help break the cycle of shame?

The script suggests an exercise where one notices the physical postures associated with shame, such as turning away, looking down, and collapsing the shoulders and diaphragm. Then, slowly coming back up, lengthening the spine and opening the chest to experience a sense of pride and dignity.

What is the opposite of shame according to the script?

The opposite of shame is authentic pride, which helps restore a sense of dignity and bodily integrity that shame strips away.

How can one console their adolescent or pre-adolescent self according to the script?

The script suggests envisioning oneself as an adolescent or pre-adolescent and considering what words of reassurance and support one would want to hear, focusing on the belief that the pain and humiliation will not last forever and that one will survive and be there for themselves.

What is the significance of the exercise in helping to overcome shame?

The exercise is significant because it helps individuals to physically move from the posture of shame to a posture of pride and dignity, which can break the cycle of chronic shame and allow for self-acceptance and self-care.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Chronic Shame: Emotional Trauma and Its Impact

This paragraph discusses the profound effects of chronic shame, which is described as a complex and debilitating emotion that often underlies other mental health issues like anxiety and depression. It is likened to a cancer that grows from the injuries of trauma and betrayal. The paragraph identifies two main sources of toxic shame: first, the trauma and humiliation experienced in childhood, which leads to a pervasive sense of 'Badness'; and second, the fear of ostracization from a group, which can occur at various ages. The speaker emphasizes the deep impact of these experiences on a person's sense of self and their connection to others. The paragraph also touches on the concept of 'splitting' in children's minds, where one parent is seen as 'bad' and the other as 'good,' as a coping mechanism.

05:01

😢 The Pain of Rejection and the Adolescent Experience

The second paragraph delves into the intense pain of social rejection, particularly during adolescence when peer groups become crucial. The speaker describes the deep emotional wounds caused by exclusion and ostracism, which can feel like a form of death. The paragraph suggests that adolescents may feel this pain acutely, as it threatens their social survival. The speaker encourages the listener to consider how they might reassure their adolescent self that the pain of rejection is not permanent and that they will survive and thrive. The paragraph also introduces an exercise to help manage feelings of shame and humiliation, focusing on the physical manifestations of these emotions and how to counteract them through body posture and movement.

10:01

🤗 Overcoming Shame: Embracing Pride and Dignity

In the third paragraph, the speaker continues the discussion on shame, focusing on the physical and emotional responses to this emotion. The paragraph describes an exercise to help individuals recognize and counteract the physical manifestations of shame, such as turning away, looking down, and collapsing the shoulders. The speaker emphasizes the importance of moving from a posture of shame to one of pride and dignity, which is associated with a sense of lengthening and opening in the body. The paragraph concludes with a call to feel love and compassion for the hurt child within, and to rework past experiences to move beyond shame. The speaker also suggests resources for further healing and self-acceptance.

Keywords

💡Chronic shame

Chronic shame is described as a deeply rooted, destructive emotion that can lead to feelings of immobilization, often stemming from past trauma or betrayal. In the video, it is likened to a cancer or tumor, highlighting its invasive and pervasive nature in a person's life. It is a central theme as the video discusses its origins and impacts on an individual's sense of self and belonging.

💡Trauma

Trauma in this context refers to deeply distressing or disturbing experiences, particularly those occurring in childhood, which can lead to the development of chronic shame. The script mentions trauma as a source of the injury from which shame grows, emphasizing the deep emotional scarring that can result from such events.

💡Authentic self

The authentic self represents the genuine, unfiltered identity of an individual. The video discusses how chronic shame can lead to a loss of connection with one's authentic self, suggesting a disconnection from one's true feelings, beliefs, and behaviors due to the internalization of shame.

💡Toxic shame

Toxic shame is a term used to describe a particularly harmful form of shame that can be damaging to one's psyche. The video identifies two main sources of toxic shame: childhood trauma and the fear of ostracism, illustrating how these experiences can lead to a pervasive sense of personal inadequacy.

💡Ostracism

Ostracism refers to the act of excluding someone from a group or society. The script explains how the fear of ostracism can be a source of shame, especially during adolescence when peer acceptance is crucial for social and emotional well-being. It is used to illustrate the deep pain that can result from social rejection.

💡Survival strategy

In the context of the video, a survival strategy is an unconscious coping mechanism developed in response to trauma or abuse. It is mentioned as a way for a child to internalize the idea of being 'bad' as a means to maintain a sense of control in an uncontrollable situation, thereby attempting to preserve the perception of the caregiver as essentially good.

💡Splitting

Splitting is a psychological defense mechanism where an individual divides people or experiences into 'all good' or 'all bad' categories, rather than perceiving them as a mix of both. The video describes how this can lead to the perception of one parent as solely bad and the other as solely good, as a way to manage the internal conflict caused by the trauma of abuse.

💡Adolescence

Adolescence is a transitional stage of physical and psychological development from childhood to adulthood. The video highlights the heightened vulnerability to shame during this period, as peer acceptance becomes increasingly important and the experience of exclusion can be particularly painful.

💡Voodoo death

Voodoo death is a term used in the script to illustrate the profound impact of ostracism, suggesting that the social and emotional consequences of being banished from a group can be so severe that they may lead to physical death, emphasizing the life-threatening nature of social rejection.

💡Self-care

Self-care in this context refers to the practice of taking actions to maintain or improve one's well-being, particularly in response to emotional distress. The video encourages self-care as a means to overcome shame and suggests that engaging in self-acceptance practices can be healing.

💡Dignity

Dignity is the state of being worthy of esteem or respect. The script discusses how shame can strip away one's dignity, and the importance of reclaiming it through the experience of authentic pride, which is presented as the opposite of shame.

💡Posture of Shame

The posture of shame refers to the physical manifestations of shame, such as turning away, looking down, and hunching over. The video describes an exercise to consciously move into and out of this posture as a way to break the cycle of shame and to reconnect with feelings of pride and dignity.

Highlights

Chronic shame is a complex emotion that can lead to pain, anxiety, and depression.

Shame is likened to a cancer that grows from the injury of trauma and the wound of betrayal.

Interpersonal trauma can deeply affect a person's life, causing a loss of connection with their authentic self.

There are two main sources of toxic shame: childhood trauma and the fear of group ostracism.

Childhood abuse can lead to a pervasive sense of Badness, indicating a fundamental flaw within oneself.

Ostracism from a group can cause severe emotional pain and is deeply connected to survival instincts.

The fear of rejection can be particularly impactful during adolescence when peer groups are crucial.

Shame can lead to a primitive internalized deduction that one is the cause of their own abuse.

Splitting can occur, where one parent is seen as 'bad' and the other as 'good', due to the inability to reconcile the two.

The body responds to shame with specific postures, such as turning away, looking down, and collapsing the shoulders.

An exercise is provided to help break the cycle of shame by acknowledging the body's response and moving out of the posture.

The opposite of shame is authentic pride, which can be experienced through bodily extension and lengthening.

Feeling love and compassion for the hurt or shamed child is crucial for healing from shame.

Reworking past experiences can help individuals move away from shame and towards a sense of pride and dignity.

Allowing oneself to feel worse by moving into the posture of shame and then slowly coming out can release one from its grip.

The Belarus neverstacks healing trauma audio series is recommended for further support in overcoming shame.

Transcripts

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chronic shame is one of the most complex

corrosive and immobilizing emotions

it often underlies pain

anxiety and depression

same is like a cancer like a tumor that

grows from the injury of trauma

and the wound of betrayal

this interpersonal trauma becomes deeply

lodged in the body mind

and then

metastasizes infecting all aspects of a

person's life

they include a loss of connection with

our authentic spontaneous self

as well as with our basic sense of

goodness rightness and belonging

in the world

I believe that there are two main

sources of toxic shame

the first is when we're traumatized

abused and humiliated as young children

we experience this as an overall sense

of Badness

Badness that something is fundamentally

wrong with us

the second is the fear that comes from

being ostracized from a group

and this can happen at different ages

for a young child it's as though the

only way we can make sense of how poorly

we've been treated how we've been

mistreated especially

by those who are supposed to take care

cherish and love us

is to lay the blame on our own Badness

in other words the way that we try to

make sense of this is to somehow assume

that we or the cause of that abuse and

that shaming and that humiliation and

this allows the child to imagine

that they have some small modicum of

control

and an otherwise in controllable

situation

of course these core beliefs are the

words and explanations of the adults

so I'm speaking them from the child but

the child their mind is very different

than the than the adult mind

and

um for children

it's this primitive internalized

deduction

that occurs without words context or

even thoughts it's just an overwhelming

oppressive sensation of our own Badness

but again at least it gives us some

modicum of control because if we were

the cause of it then somehow Maybe

we could um

we could alleviate some of that shame

the child somehow senses

that we need our parents for us to

survive

if it's them that are the bad ones

then we are most certainly we won't

survive because we need them for our

survival so better us than then to carry

the Badness it is an implicit survival

strategy to regard the parent as

essentially a good

caretaker this sometimes lead to what's

called splitting that it's like we have

one parent who is the bad parent who is

only bad

and the other parent in our mind is the

good parent and so rather than being

able to hold them together they split

into those parts so let's look at the

second major cause of Shame which is

being ostracized from a group

be it family colleagues friends or peers

rejection

is among the most painful of human

emotions

anyone who has felt the sting of

rejection ostracism or shunning knows

how deeply these experiences sting and

how they

just rip us apart

and also how long that pain can last

this shame

feels like death because in tribal or

primitive groupings if one one member is

being ostracized for not living up to

not obeying the Norms of the group they

may perish

for example in a member of a primate

family group is banished or shunned they

may literally die and they're not able

to attach to another group they will

simply wither and die you know the

voodoo death it's not about putting the

needles in the doll

it's about ostracizing that person

who's being hexed

and because that's so severe

and the body gets so shut down they may

actually perish

and die but again not by the needles but

by the banishment and how profoundly

that

immobilizes us

this social mind makes us particularly

vulnerable to shame around the age of

adolescents

at this age peer groups become so

vitally important and exclusion feels

like you're dying of Shame and shame and

humiliation if you kind of visit your

adolescence and your pre-adolescence how

did it feel

when you were excluded by high school

friends or colleagues or family members

it can just be excruciating

for any of us

and you see kids like this you know you

have one friend and they're your best

friend

and then all of a sudden they don't even

talk to you and somebody else is their

best friend Ah that's wow that really

really hurts it feels horrible it feels

maybe even like death because again

banishment is

about the likelihood of death I suggest

that you might think about from the your

current adult stance what you would want

to say

to yourself as an adolescent

what you would want to say to reassure

her him or them

that their pain and humiliation won't go

on forever that they will survive it

and that you'll be there

for them

so just take some time now some moments

to Envision yourself as an adolescent or

as a pre-adolescent

and just what words would you want to

say to them

what would you want to tell them what

would you want them to know

from your stance as an adult from your

heart

from your being

and see how that feels inside

what kinds of Sensations feelings

images or thoughts come up for you come

up in your mind

as you console your adolescent self

consider journaling about these feelings

and thoughts and Sensations

whatever the cause of our shame it is

important no no it's critical

to understand that our bodies

respond to in specific ways to this kind

of emotional injury

when we continue to hold these emotional

postures of Shame which we'll be talking

about now

and the horrible feelings of humiliation

will get regurgitated over and over

again so now how do we break this

vicious cycle

here's an exercise to help

uh

uh working when feelings of shame or

humiliation come up

well you know they're there all the time

of course so the idea is to notice that

the content

and the corrosive nature of Shame

um that's also important but what's

really important and which gives us the

way of moving out of the shame is that

shame is something that happens

specifically

in our bodies

so

if there's somebody facing us or we're

imagining somebody that was facing us

we turn away from their gaze

look away and down

and then

we collapse our shoulders come forward

and we collapse around our diaphragm

kind of bending forward

but don't go too far just go a little

bit

and then come back up slowly

slowly slowly

and notice how you're sinning now

um does your spine feel

uh uh

longer in any way

how does your how does your chest feel

how does your belly feel

so

once more

something comes up

around the issue of Shame and we feel

what our body wants to do our body again

wants to curve forward look away

collapse down

and then just holding it there holding

it there slowly slowly coming up

vertebra by vertebra all the way from

your lower back all the way up to your

um to your thoracic vertebra and until

you get a sense of lengthening and also

of opening in the chest because really

the opposite of Shame

is pride

is I mean authentic Pride

so just notice how you experience Pride

in your body

and that you can go from feeling shame

which is like this

to opening from the shame

into extension into lengthening and into

pride and dignity

because remember that shame is something

that strips away our dignity and pride

is what takes us back

to our dignity to our bodily sense of

Pride and dignity so can you feel love

for this hurt child

for the shamed or humiliated child Can

You Feel Love caring compassion

and can you also feel

that kind of caring and compassion

to that adolescent part of you because

we carry in our bodies all of those baby

child adolescent experiences in our

bodies and now what we're doing is we're

reworking them so that we don't have to

be stuck in shame and because we can

never move into life

fully when we are in shame when we're in

the posture of Shame so remarkably when

we allow ourselves to feel worse which

is again moving into that posture

and then slowly coming back out from

that posture that we're no longer stuck

we're no longer riveted

to shame and to humiliation

so thank you for participating in this

very

challenging exercise

and again I want to remind you

that you can go to Belarus neverstacks

healing trauma

audio series because it really also

reinforces and helps to move us through

the shame experiences it can really help

bring you into self-care and

self-acceptance

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thank you

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