Jordan B Peterson: How to Salvage a Relationship, and When to End It

Summary

The speaker discusses the limited opportunities for high-quality intimate relationships in life, emphasizing the importance of making wise choices to avoid costly mistakes. They highlight the complexities and potential damage of divorce, especially in custody battles, and stress the need for honesty and communication in relationships to prevent irreparable harm.

Takeaways

• ⏳ People have limited chances for a serious high-quality intimate relationship in their lifetime.
• 📉 By the time you are 45, it becomes harder to start a family, often requiring interventions like in vitro fertilization.
• 💔 A divorce is very complicated and can be especially difficult if one or both parties are unreasonable.
• 👶 Custody battles can be very costly, both financially and emotionally, affecting relationships with children.
• 🛑 To avoid bad relationships, it's important to be truthful, stand up for yourself, and aim towards the good.
• 🚫 A few acts of infidelity can irreparably damage the fundamental trust in a relationship.
• 👥 Effective communication is crucial; without it, it's difficult to deal with reality and fix issues.
• ❌ Avoid getting into problematic relationships by being honest and vigilant from the beginning.
• 🛠 If a relationship is troubled, try to fix it by straightening yourself out and addressing the issues honestly.
• 🔄 It is very hard to fix someone who does not want to be fixed, and some people are devoted to causing trouble.

Q & A

How many chances does one typically have for a serious, high-quality intimate relationship according to the speaker?

The speaker suggests that the chances for a serious, high-quality intimate relationship are limited and that by the age of 45, the opportunities may be significantly reduced.

What does the speaker believe is the cost of getting a relationship wrong?

The speaker implies that getting a relationship wrong could cost someone about five years of their life, which is a significant amount of time that cannot be replaced.

Why does the speaker say that divorce is very complicated?

The speaker believes that divorce is complicated because it often involves dealing with unreasonable people who may have the goal of ensuring the other party's failure in the next 20 years.

What are some of the tactics people might use to make sure their ex-spouse doesn't have a successful future after a divorce?

People might use tactics such as holding their children hostage, which can be emotionally and financially draining for the other party.

How does the speaker describe the impact of a bad divorce on the relationship with children?

The speaker indicates that a bad divorce can be hard on the relationship with children, potentially leading to a 15-year cost and a significant financial burden.

What advice does the speaker give to avoid getting into a complicated relationship?

The speaker advises not to make the mistakes that lead to such relationships, such as not deluding oneself and being truthful in the relationship.

What does the speaker suggest as a key to a successful relationship?

The speaker suggests that telling the truth, standing up for oneself, and aiming towards the good are key elements for a successful relationship.

How does the speaker view the role of trust in a relationship?

The speaker views trust as a fundamental element in a relationship, stating that acts of infidelity can remove this trust and make the relationship unsalvageable.

What does the speaker say about the difficulty of fixing a relationship once it's broken?

The speaker believes that it's very hard to fix a relationship, especially when one party does not want to be fixed, and that it's better to avoid trouble from the beginning.

What should one do if they are in a relationship where the other person is lying and not truthful?

The speaker advises that if someone is lying and not truthful in a relationship, it's better to leave them, as it's unlikely that the situation will improve without becoming resentful or worse.

What does the speaker suggest as a possible outcome if someone is in a relationship with a person who has an alcohol problem and is resentful?

The speaker suggests that if someone is in such a relationship, they should try to fix the issues, but if the other party is not willing to change, it might be best to leave the relationship.

Outlines

00:00

🕊️ The Rarity and Cost of High-Quality Relationships

This paragraph discusses the limited opportunities one has to engage in a serious, high-quality intimate relationship throughout life. It emphasizes the scarcity of such chances and the high cost of getting it wrong, which can include wasted years and the emotional toll of potential divorce battles. The speaker also touches on the complexities of divorce, especially when children are involved, and the psychological impact it can have on all parties. The advice given is to avoid making mistakes that lead to such situations by being truthful, standing up for oneself, and striving for a good relationship from the start.

05:01

🔒 Trust and the Difficulty of Repairing Relationships

The second paragraph focuses on the importance of trust in relationships and the consequences of actions such as infidelity, which can irreparably damage the trust between partners. It highlights the difficulty of communicating and resolving issues when trust is broken, comparing it to working on a 'ghost car' that will never function properly. The speaker advises against getting into such trouble in the first place and, if one finds themselves in such a situation, to try to rectify it if possible. However, they acknowledge that fixing a relationship can be extremely challenging, especially if one partner is unwilling to change or be fixed, and in some cases, the best option may be to leave.

Keywords

💡Intimate Relationship

An intimate relationship refers to a close, personal connection between two individuals, often characterized by emotional closeness and physical affection. In the video, the concept is emphasized as something that is not easily obtained and requires careful consideration and effort to maintain. The speaker discusses the rarity and importance of such relationships, suggesting that one should not squander the opportunity to have a serious, high-quality intimate relationship.

💡Chances

Chances, in this context, refer to the opportunities one has in life to form significant relationships. The speaker highlights that there are limited opportunities for such connections, especially as one ages. This underscores the importance of making wise choices in relationships, as the consequences of poor decisions can be long-lasting and costly.

💡Divorce

Divorce is the legal termination of a marriage. The script discusses the complexities and potential negative outcomes of divorce, such as emotional turmoil and financial strain. The speaker warns that divorce can be particularly difficult if the parties involved are not reasonable, as they may engage in tactics that are detrimental to both parties and their children.

💡Custody Battle

A custody battle is a legal dispute over the rights and responsibilities for the care and upbringing of a child following a divorce or separation. The video mentions the potential financial and emotional costs associated with such battles, emphasizing the impact on both parents and children. The speaker suggests that these battles can be particularly damaging and costly, lasting for years and costing significant amounts of money.

💡Truth

Truth, in the context of the video, refers to the importance of honesty and transparency in relationships. The speaker advises that maintaining truthfulness and open communication is crucial for the health and longevity of a relationship. By being truthful, individuals can avoid misunderstandings and build trust, which is foundational for a strong relationship.

💡Delusion

Delusion, as discussed in the video, refers to a false belief or misconception that can lead individuals to make poor decisions in relationships. The speaker warns against self-deception, suggesting that it can lead to entering into relationships that are not in one's best interest. Being aware of the reality of a situation and avoiding delusions is crucial for making wise relationship choices.

💡Trust

Trust is a fundamental aspect of any relationship, involving reliance on the integrity, strength, and ability of another person. The script emphasizes that trust is easily broken and difficult to rebuild, particularly in cases of infidelity. The speaker suggests that once trust is lost, communication and the relationship itself can be irreparably damaged.

💡Infidelity

Infidelity refers to a breach of trust in a relationship, typically involving sexual or emotional unfaithfulness. The video discusses the severe consequences of infidelity, noting that it can lead to the end of a relationship due to the loss of trust. The speaker highlights that multiple acts of infidelity can be particularly damaging and may result in a relationship that is not salvageable.

💡Communication

Communication is the act of conveying meanings from one entity or group to another through the use of mutually understood signs and semiotic rules. In the context of the video, the speaker emphasizes the importance of clear and honest communication in maintaining a healthy relationship. Without effective communication, misunderstandings can arise, leading to mistrust and the potential breakdown of the relationship.

💡Psyche

Psyche, in this context, refers to the human mind or soul, particularly in relation to its emotional and mental well-being. The speaker discusses the emotional impact of relationship issues, such as divorce and custody battles, on an individual's psyche. These events can cause significant stress and emotional turmoil, affecting a person's overall mental health and well-being.

💡Resentment

Resentment is a feeling of persistent ill-will or indignation towards someone or something, often as a result of perceived unfairness or mistreatment. The video mentions resentment as a potential outcome of remaining in a relationship where one party is not truthful or is unwilling to address their issues. The speaker suggests that long-term resentment can lead to negative consequences, such as alcoholism and even violent tendencies.

Highlights

Life offers limited chances for serious, high-quality intimate relationships.

By age 45, forming a family may require medical assistance like in vitro fertilization.

Mistakes in relationships can cost you five years or more of your life.

Divorce is complicated and often involves unreasonable behavior from one or both parties.

People may use children as leverage in divorce to sabotage the other's future success.

Relationships with children are some of the most important and impactful in life.

Custody battles can last 15 years and cost a quarter of a million dollars.

Avoid entering relationships that are likely to become problematic.

Being truthful and avoiding self-delusion are key to a successful relationship.

Stand up for yourself and don't tolerate nonsense in a relationship.

Aim towards the good in a relationship from the very beginning.

Infidelity can irreparably damage trust and communication in a relationship.

Attempting to fix a relationship requires both parties to be willing and committed.

People who are devoted to causing trouble are difficult to help or fix.

It's important to address and correct mistakes early in a relationship.

Leaving a troubled relationship may be the best option if it's causing resentment and harm.

If someone is struggling with issues like alcoholism, they need to be willing to fix it for the relationship to work.

Fixing a person who does not want to be fixed is very difficult and often not successful.

Transcripts

[Music]

we'll go back to the Simone's

how many chances do you think you'll

have in your life for him for like a

serious high quality intimate

relationship what do you guys think how

many chances okay that's not that many

chances plus you get a hold quick you

know by the time you're 45 you're not

gonna have the family and the well you

can do that sometimes if you're

available if you're female maybe but it

gets pretty rough and you're looking

probably at that point at a fair bit of

in vitro and that sort of interactions

top it's hard on people so you know

normally you don't have that many

chances you don't have that much time so

you're going to get it right so if you

get it wrong it costs you like maybe

it'll cost you five years five years is

a long time so and three five-year costs

it's like you've lost things there that

you can't replace okay so that's one

part of it is you don't have that many

chances and it's costly due to burn up

the time okay the second thing is

a divorce is very complicated like it's

not so bad if you get divorced - someone

who's reasonable but often the reason

that you're getting divorced is that one

or the other or both of you aren't that

reasonable and what that might be is

that you might be negotiated with

someone whose basic goal is to make sure

that you don't have another day of

success in the next 20 years and if

that's their goal they will attain it so

and there's lots of ways people do that

and they usually do it by holding their

children hostage and people will

definitely do that they do it all the

time you know so you want to avoid them

and then you know then of course it's

harder on the relationship you have with

your children and like that's those are

probably the most relationship important

relationships you have in your life you

know it's like might be parents might be

siblings might be your your partner

might be your kids but I think when it

comes right down to it your parents are

old and so are you your kids aren't and

they're just as close plus they need you

and so you start twisting and messing

that about boy it's hard on your psyche

it's hard on the kids too so you know

there might be a 15-year cost if you're

in a custody battle and it'll cost you a

quarter of a million dollars is it then

would you say like being a psychologist

that it's better

for people to like pursue a complicated

question what I would say is don't make

the kind of mistakes that getting you

into such a stupid relationship to begin

with okay because that's the answer to

that question and the way you do that is

by trying not to delude yourself any

more than is absolutely necessary

and that means when you're in the damn

relationship tell the person the truth

and try to figure out what the truth is

for you and don't put up with any

nonsense and stand up for yourself and

also aim towards the good you know if

you do all those things then your

relationship is probably going to work

if you're trying to do all those things

really and you have a partner that will

not do that then we but it's a rare

person who won't do that if there step

along the way properly and they learn

how to do it now I know what everyone's

like that because you do run into some

people who are basically devoted towards

mayhem and trouble you know but usually

you know a person is a balance of

striving for the good and you know

messing about in the health and you know

you're both like that when you start a

relationship and you try to tilt it

towards the good and then you won't run

into that problem so but you have to do

that right from the beginning of the

relationship you know it doesn't take

that much to corrupt a relationship so

that it's not really salvageable enough

mistakes three or four acts of

infidelity you're done you don't get to

come back from that because the

fundamental element of trust is being

removed and then you can't communicate

with the person because you don't know

if they're telling you the truth and

then they don't know if you're dealing

with reality and if you don't need it

with reality with your partner it's like

good luck fixing that it's like you're

working on a ghost car well the real one

is sitting in the shop with the motor up

you know it's not gonna get you anywhere

so a lot of the issue is don't get in

the

trouble to begin with if you are in the

trouble well then you try to straighten

yourself out and see if you can fix it

well if you can't your options aren't

great and it depends on the particular

areas of the situation no no I have

people to make councilís like leave that

person and the rule is they're lying to

you they aren't anything and you won't

be able to tolerate being with them for

10 years without becoming resentful

alcoholic and homicidal so that's a bad

outcome there's nothing you can do to

avoid it so you might as well leave but

you know you have to have that sort of

no it has to be the truth because it's

no fun it's no good to leave someone

who's struggling in the look in the

lurch you know what do you think well

I'm with this person they're not going

anywhere

you know maybe they have an alcohol

problem and they're resentful it's like

but I'm always gone well they bloody

well better want to have to fix that

because you're not now if they really

want to fix it more than anything and

they're willing to tell the truth about

it and willing to interact with you then

there's a ghost of the chance you might

pull through it but it's very hard to

fix someone and it's really hard to fix

someone who does not want to be fixed

and there's lots of people like that