Growing old: The unbearable lightness of ageing | Jane Caro | TEDxSouthBank
Summary
TLDRThe speaker embraces aging, highlighting the benefits of growing older. She discusses physical changes, newfound freedom from societal pressures, and the liberation from concerns like menstruation and pregnancy. Emphasizing the joys of no longer being scrutinized by the male gaze, she celebrates her independence and confidence. Aging, she argues, allows women to focus on their own lives, shedding superficial concerns about appearance. She encourages women to appreciate this unique stage of life, emphasizing that growing old is a privilege and an opportunity for self-discovery.
Takeaways
- 😀 Growing old brings unexpected gifts and relief from past physical discomforts.
- 😌 Breast discomfort experienced by women lessens significantly after menopause.
- 🚫 The absence of menstruation provides significant mental relief and convenience.
- 😅 No longer needing to worry about contraception and pregnancy is liberating.
- 👀 Freedom from being sexualized allows for greater self-acceptance and authenticity.
- 😃 Embracing one's age leads to a more genuine and fulfilling life experience.
- 💰 Women over 50 control significant financial power, reshaping their visibility and influence.
- 👩👧👦 Motherhood is valuable, but there's joy in moving beyond its demanding phases.
- 💪 Aging offers freedom from societal pressures to maintain youth and physical appearance.
- 🕰️ Getting older sharpens focus on the limited time left, energizing and motivating.
- 🔄 Men find aging challenging as they lose status, whereas women, already used to societal disregard, adapt more easily.
- 👩⚕️ The human female's ability to live long beyond reproductive years is unique and should be celebrated.
- 🕵️♀️ Feminism and aging both emphasize putting oneself at the center of one's life.
- 🎭 The loss of youth's cosmetic appeal uncovers a deeper, more authentic self.
- 💡 Aging should be viewed as a privilege and a time to fully embrace one's true self.
Q & A
What is the speaker's perspective on aging?
-The speaker views aging as a natural and valuable stage of life, bringing unexpected gifts and freedom from earlier life concerns.
How does the speaker feel about being called middle-aged?
-The speaker rejects being called middle-aged, stating that they are growing old and are past middle age.
What unexpected benefit of menopause does the speaker mention?
-The speaker mentions that after menopause, the pain and discomfort associated with breasts and menstruation cease, which is a significant relief.
How does the speaker describe the experience of menstruation and its impact on women's lives?
-The speaker describes menstruation as a recurring inconvenience that requires constant management, which occupies significant mental space.
What is the speaker's attitude toward physical appearance and cosmetic surgery?
-The speaker is against cosmetic surgery and values looking real and natural, believing that the loss of physical beauty allows for the appreciation of other qualities.
How does the speaker perceive the social expectations placed on women regarding aging?
-The speaker criticizes societal expectations for women to fight aging through cosmetic means, advocating instead for embracing one's age and the wisdom that comes with it.
What point does the speaker make about the visibility and power of older women?
-The speaker notes that older women in the West control significant economic power and are more visible and active than in the past.
How does the speaker compare the experience of aging between men and women?
-The speaker suggests that aging might be harder for men because they lose status and power, whereas women are already accustomed to being less visible and thus find aging easier to handle.
What evolutionary uniqueness does the speaker highlight about human females?
-The speaker highlights that human females can live decades beyond their reproductive capacity, which is unique in the evolutionary history.
What final message does the speaker convey about the importance of living in the present?
-The speaker emphasizes the importance of appreciating the present moment and considering aging as a privilege, dedicating the talk to a friend who recently passed away.
Outlines
😊 Embracing the Gifts of Aging
The speaker reflects on aging, emphasizing that getting older brings unexpected gifts despite societal views. They discuss physical changes, like relief from breast pain post-menopause, and the mental freedom from no longer worrying about menstruation. The speaker expresses gratitude for these changes and highlights the liberation that comes with them.
🙅♀️ Rejecting Societal Expectations
The speaker addresses the pressure women face regarding their appearance and societal expectations. They recount a story about resisting the male gaze and assert the joy of not caring about others' opinions anymore. The speaker embraces their aging body, valuing comfort and authenticity over societal standards of beauty.
🌟 Finding Beauty Beyond Physical Appearance
The speaker criticizes the pursuit of eternal youth through cosmetic surgery, arguing that it detracts from appreciating one's natural aging process. They emphasize the importance of accepting and valuing one's real self over artificial appearances. Aging, they argue, teaches valuable lessons about life and helps one focus on inner beauty and self-worth.
👵 The Privilege of Growing Old
The speaker celebrates the unique human capacity to live decades beyond reproductive age, a trait not found in other species. They stress that aging should be seen as a privilege and an opportunity for self-discovery and self-empowerment. The speaker encourages embracing this stage of life, prioritizing personal fulfillment, and living authentically.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Aging
💡Menopause
💡Liberation
💡Physical discomfort
💡Societal expectations
💡Feminism
💡Self-acceptance
💡Cosmetic surgery
💡Physical beauty
💡Wisdom
Highlights
Growing old brings unexpected gifts, challenging the notion that aging is solely about decline.
Freedom from physical pain related to breasts after menopause is a significant relief for many women.
The absence of menstruation after menopause liberates women from the monthly hassle and associated worries.
The end of fertility removes the anxiety of unplanned pregnancies and the pressure of conception.
Aging offers freedom from both male and female gazes, allowing women to feel more comfortable and authentic.
Women over 50 control significant financial power, making them an influential market.
Aging is a time for self-indulgence and self-spoiling, especially when children are financially independent.
The societal expectation to fight aging through cosmetic surgery is questioned and rejected.
Aging allows women to discover and embrace other forms of beauty beyond physical appearance.
Men struggle with aging more than women because they are not used to losing status and relevance.
The human female's ability to live decades beyond reproductive age is unique and should be celebrated.
Feminism aligns with the aging process by encouraging women to put themselves at the center of their own lives.
Aging is presented as a privilege and an opportunity to be one's true self.
It's important to focus on the present moment and appreciate the chance to grow old.
Aging allows women to shed societal pressures and cosmetic facades, revealing their true selves.
Transcripts
I am growing old not older we're all
doing that from the moment we are born I
am growing old I am entering my third
age do not patronize me by calling me
middle-aged I've given you my age I am
highly unlikely actually I haven't yet I
didn't click the click up yes there are
different downsides to aging um
I am NOT going to live to be a hundred
and fifteen so I am growing old I am
past middle age I'm Way past middle age
so what I have found that getting older
like every other stage in my life
brings with it gifts things I hadn't
expected that are just fantastic
here is the first
let me tell you if you are the
unfortunate possessor a pair of tits
they hurt for most of your life from
your age of 10 when you first start
start getting breaths am i right
ladies in the audience there's that
agony when you first hit your poor
little nipples on the desk at school and
you think what the hell is going on well
it gets worse then they heard for most
of puberty as they get to their natural
or unnatural size then usually mama and
unnatural size given my height was a bit
weird and then you've got the
premenstrual changes that happen every
goddamn month for about two weeks of
every month you understand why female
joggers with tits to a look at this
pregnancy they just hurt and hurt and
hurt and hurt and breastfeeding they
hurt particularly when babies get teeth
all of the time they hurt until
menopause and then magically you can go
over the biggest potholes in a really
badly sprung car without wincing always
this was something I didn't know what
happened and I am so incredibly grateful
for I am also incredibly grateful for
this
on what level could this be seen as any
kind of a disadvantage have you any idea
how much headspace it clears up not to
have to worry about your goddamn period
every month every 28 days I mean you
just take it in your stride women are
incredible you most the time nobody else
knows you've got the damn thing except
when you do that thing of having the
funny hand when you walk to the toilet
no funny hand no asking your girlfriend
am i looking can you see anything is
that alright white trousers every day
the week every other man liberation has
get much more liberating than white
trousers everyday them are I can't get
pregnant Oh
for most of my sexually active life and
thank you Bella does still continue um
but most of my sexually active life when
I was fertile and got periods I spent
most of my time worrying about getting
pregnant then for about five years I
spent most of my time worrying about not
getting pregnant because I wanted to get
pregnant it is so ridiculous when I
didn't want to get pregnant it felt
incredibly easy to do when I did want to
get pregnant nothing seemed harder and
the fear about contraception failing
because this myth that it doesn't is a
myth is white-knuckle I don't believe
there's a woman in the audience that
hasn't gone to the toilet when her
period was due and looked desperately in
the bowl for the tell-tale mark that
said she got away with it again I am
free of the male guys
sorry guys I know you thought that
looking at my tits was the biggest
compliment you could pay me but actually
I never ever wanted to I was tempted
occasionally to do this I'm up here and
it wasn't very high up given how tall I
am
ah but know that their gaze stayed
there's a lovely story by Dale spender
one of the Australia's greatest
feminists there was a meeting she'd go
to and there was a man who said opposite
to her in this meeting was a regular
meeting and he'd always stare at her
tits as he talked to her in one day she
just he asked her question and she just
refused to answer said nothing and he
repeated the question and she went wake
up wake up he's talking to you now
people listen to what I have to say what
is wrong with that nothing it's
fantastic I am free of the female gaze I
don't care what you think about me
anymore as my skin has become saggy
Bhagya stretched a bit in unfortunate
places but I don't care what you think
of me remember I have grown more
comfortable in it I am much more able to
be myself than I ever was when I was in
that awful competitive thing where you
look at everybody in the room and you
think I pretty in her or not quite as
pretty or am i ugly
am I the fattest woman in the room
that's always the worst question to ask
yourself now I often am so what I'll
have another another serve of anything
fattening and I'm a glass of wine going
pass thanks I'll take that one because
who cares no one's looking at me anymore
so I can be 100% myself how wonderful is
that
look they're lovely yeah no they are you
do love them along with them
mayor Friedman and Lisa Pryor recently I
and those two wonderful women have been
designated the worst mothers in
Australia by Mark Latham
and of course he is the final judge of
those things apparently um and this is
because I am open about the fact that
whilst I'm really proud that I was a
mother I'm really pleased that I've done
I learned so much from mothering I
learned my kids taught me far more than
I've ever taught them but I'm over it
it's very hard work you know and it's
often very boring work um the number of
times they say and do something that
actually gives you pleasure is fairly
rare in comparison to the number of
times you're doing things you never ever
thought you would um and some of them
are quite disgusting but that's okay
they're 23 they're 26 I've done what I
can now it's up to them love them dearly
will help if they need it very much hope
they don't need it I am a member of the
first generation of women this was
referred to earlier by the wonderful
circus of women who have worked for most
of their lives women over 50 notices in
the United States but I'm sure it's you
know you could extrapolate down for
Australia control 19 trillion dollars we
have become a market and that is a power
that makes us no longer as invisible as
perhaps we once were we are in fact the
healthiest wealthiest most active women
in history in the west of course I'm
talking about fantastic you know what's
better those kids have moved out there
running their own money you earn stuff
you know who you sent spend it on
yourself I haven't got grandchildren yet
I am looking forward to it mainly
because my friends who are grandparents
say you know what they're lovely but you
can hand them back um but I'm not gonna
spend all my money on my grandchildren
that would be spoiling them we need to
build their character
but I've got enough character so I can
spoil myself and I am yet and this is my
question why does the world want me to
hate and deny this stage of my life why
am I expected to spend that money that
I've spent a lifetime earning I'm trying
to fight aging why would I want to
pretend that I am NOT my age I have
earned every bit of my age I am proud of
it
I see nothing wrong with being 57 and a
half it's very important that half you
go back to being a five year old not
just in the fact that your tits don't
hurt I am expected by many to at least
consider risking my life having cosmetic
surgery to chase some sort of fantasy
idea of looking perpetually young the
trouble with people that I have seen who
have had cosmetic surgery is they don't
look young and they don't look
particularly pretty they tend to a look
after a while like this strangely
related to one another
you know
and the major message you get from it
anyone who's had a lot of plastic
surgery is you're you're rich and
insecure which is a sad message to be
sending at this point in your life when
in fact the loss of your physical beauty
teaches you how to become much more
aware of the other beauties that you
have that's what that loss does it
enables you to start to understand so
much more what else you have to offer so
why would you want to hang on to the
thing that blocked you from getting to
that or at least getting other people to
understand that and imagine how
embarrassing frankly it would be at your
funeral for them to say well Jane died
of a tummy tuck I mean your kids would
be quite into it all to get pretty
shitty with you for dying for something
like that you know I don't like that
I've got this really I don't but I'm not
going to get rid of it there's a couple
of reasons why well first of all I don't
want to die I don't like pain I'm not
nearly so interested in looking good as
I am in feeling good but also I think I
inherited this this is genetic somewhere
in my past there is an ancestor who had
this and this is a little piece of that
person that I'm carrying around with me
I liked that idea I'm going to embrace
it
I'm expected to want to inject my face
with toxins so I can start to look a bit
like Tony Abbott or shiny and spinach
can't see the attraction in that I don't
know why ah and this is the most
interesting one when I say something
controversial or provocative on Twitter
now it really happens but when I do the
insults that are thrown at me the
instances are thrown at my younger
feminist friends are often about how
they want to rape them and do horrible
things to them sexually I don't get that
what I get is you're a bitter twisted
old ugly hag hey you know the young ones
are still juicy enough to fantasize
about but the old ones now but I've even
imagined it I'm supposed to be offended
by that are you kidding me why would I
don't understand that I am not hurt when
you call me old it is a statement of
fact it is a statement of fact and that
is fine by me I want to see how my face
is meant to turn out I really am I'm
interested it won't be pretty but it
will be real and I'd rather look real
like my real self then I don't know some
sort of fantasy version have you seen
people like Jane Fonda and Goldie Hawn
and meg Ryan well Renee Zellweger was
the latest one wasn't she you think is
that someone is that a Renee Zellweger
impersonator and that's what tends to
happen you don't look like you anymore
why would you want to get further away
from your face instead of more
comfortable in it
aging is a valid stage in a whole life
it has things to teach us about letting
go of things like vanity like what other
people think of us like approval like
life because when you get older it
concentrates the mind you realize how
much shorter the time is that you have
left and that is wonderfully energizing
that makes you move like nothing else
I believe that contrary to conventional
wisdom aging is easier on women than it
is on men first of these is
yes as I get older I get more aches and
pains but can I tell you for the first
time ever they are equal-opportunity
aches and pains man get bad knees
lousy backs ah what have I got I've got
a um Morton's article neuroma all don't
ask me what it is is very very
unpleasant but then get them to I'm
sorry to be mean about it but after all
those decades that sort its periods etc
etc etc it's a pleasure when my husband
said my back hurts I say oh really
how sad but there's more to it than that
I'm seeing a lot of my male peers who
are very powerful in their life
controlled businesses were very
successful they were from that group
which are considered in by the world to
automatically have merit which many of
the rest of us are not automatically
assumed to have but this group are there
the white male often privately school
educated men and well of course they're
male and men that group are what centers
the norm they're allowed to be
individuals if they do something wrong
it's that individual has done it wrong
you know you're in a kind of minority
group or a subordinate group when when
you do something wrong see women can't
cut it it's used as an example for the
whole group women drivers for example
why does no one ever say men drivers it
is a term you never hear so men find as
they get older I'm seeing this in my
peers that they suddenly go for the
first time ever in their lives but if
I've been in that powerful group to
being a member of one of those groups
they go from being a man or their
individual selves to being an old man
and it hits them like a ton of bricks
but for women it's much easier because
we're really used to being irrelevant
and a member of a group that no one paid
much attention to all our life
so we're not remotely concerned about
being old women because it's not much
different from being women
really
notice with the drivers it's an old
driver is another way of identifying
that they've become a member of a group
which means lost status the human female
if you think getting old is a bad thing
for women the human female can live
three maybe more decades beyond her
reproductive capacity no other creature
on the planet comes close we are unique
in the entire history of evolution in
that female human beings can live so
much beyond their reproductive life this
is extraordinary we should be
celebrating it you are unique this is
our time and Apollo said it brilliantly
stop whining about getting old
it's a privilege a lot of people who I
did wish they were still alive
finally feminism puts women at the
center of their own lives and that's
what getting old does to all that stuff
about your body no longer being captive
to the reproductive cycle you no longer
being captive to anybody else's gaze an
opinion that's what feminism is about
it's about women putting themselves at
the center of their own lives
you only have limited time to make to do
this so make the most of it don't waste
your time getting injections and having
surgery and lamenting the the loss of
your youth and your beauty who gives a
it was pretty ordinary really if
you think about it it is literally your
last chance to be exactly who you are
and to find out who that is when you're
stripped of all that cosmetic stuff that
you present to the rest of the world
you're old no one's interested but you
bloody Allah and that is fantastic
please whatever you do don't waste it
before I get off the stage I just want
to say one thing I'd like to dedicate
this talk to my friend Jeff Truman who
died very suddenly aged 57 last Sunday
he made me think very hard about this
talk and how important it is to know the
only moment you've got is right now and
to get old
jeez you're lucky if you do thank you
very much
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