My Detransition Story (Female to Male back to Female)
Summary
TLDRThis personal narrative explores the speaker's journey from childhood to detransitioning. Initially pushed towards femininity, they developed a jealousy of boys and a preference for masculine clothing. Their exploration of identity led to identifying as a butch lesbian and later, influenced by online communities, as transgender. They experienced dissatisfaction with physical changes post-testosterone and underwent a profound transformation in perspective after a psychedelic experience, ultimately choosing to detransition. The speaker advises others to deeply consider the permanence of transition and the varied causes of dysphoria.
Takeaways
- đ§ The narrator felt jealousy of boys growing up due to her mother's push for her to be more feminine.
- đ The narrator disliked having long hair and the painful grooming process, eventually embracing a pixie cut.
- đ In fifth grade, the narrator started to prefer boys' clothing, using her brother's clothes when her mother wouldn't allow it.
- đ The narrator's interest in anime and cosplay, particularly cosplaying as male characters, was a significant part of her early identity exploration.
- đłïžâđ The realization of liking women led to the narrator identifying first as bisexual, then as a butch lesbian, and after hormone use, back to bisexual.
- đ The narrator found the trans community through her interests in anime and gaming, particularly on Tumblr, which introduced her to the concept of transitioning.
- đ« The trans community's narrative of being born in the wrong body was something the narrator came to resent, feeling it was harmful and not the only solution to her dysphoria.
- đ The narrator started testosterone at 18, experiencing some satisfaction but also ongoing dissatisfaction with her physical appearance.
- đ A psychedelic experience with mushrooms led the narrator to reconsider her identity and the importance of her physical appearance, leading to detransitioning.
- đ The narrator's advice for those considering transition is to question their motivations and the permanence of their dysphoria, suggesting that not all dysphoria requires medical intervention.
- đ The narrator emphasizes the importance of individuality in understanding and treating dysphoria, and the potential benefits of alternative treatments like psychedelics for some individuals.
Q & A
What was the narrator's childhood like, and how did their mother's influence affect them?
-The narrator was a nerdy tomboy, contrasting with their sister who was more girly. Their mother's push to make them more feminine, including forcing them to have long hair and wear girly clothes, led to the development of jealousy towards boys and a strong dislike for traditionally feminine appearances.
Why did the narrator start wanting to dress in boys' clothing?
-In fifth grade, the narrator began to desire dressing in boys' clothing, possibly as a form of self-expression and a reaction to their mother's earlier attempts to make them conform to feminine norms.
How did the narrator's interest in anime and cosplay influence their gender expression?
-The narrator's interest in anime and cosplay, particularly the desire to cosplay as male characters, further reinforced their inclination towards masculine clothing and expression.
What was the turning point for the narrator in realizing their attraction to women?
-In sixth grade, the narrator realized they were attracted to women, initially identifying as bisexual, and later as a butch lesbian and then detransitioning to identify as bisexual again after using testosterone.
How did the narrator find and engage with the trans community?
-The narrator found the trans community through their involvement in anime and gaming on Tumblr, where they joined fandoms and related to stories of other lesbians transitioning and posts about transgender experiences.
What was the narrator's initial reaction to starting testosterone at 18?
-Initially, the narrator liked the changes brought on by testosterone, but they were still not satisfied with their appearance, as they felt they were only passing as a little boy and not as a biological male.
Why did the narrator consider stopping their transition in 2018?
-The narrator considered stopping their transition due to family unsupportiveness and fears that transitioning would negatively impact their future, particularly in terms of job security and physical health.
What was the narrator's perspective on the phrase 'born in the wrong body'?
-The narrator found the phrase 'born in the wrong body' harmful, especially for minors, as it can imply that their body is wrong and that they might commit suicide if they don't transition.
How did the narrator's experience with psychedelics influence their views on their body and identity?
-After trying psychedelics, the narrator felt a deep connection to everyone and realized that their body was perfect as it was, leading to feelings of guilt about the money they were planning to spend on cosmetic surgery and a decision to stop using testosterone.
What advice does the narrator give to people considering transition?
-The narrator advises people to question whether they would be happy being non-passing or openly trans, and to consider the mental health toll of constantly trying to pass and fear of being outed. They also encourage not rushing the decision and recognizing that the cause and treatment of dysphoria can vary greatly from person to person.
What is the narrator's stance on the use of psychedelics for treating dysphoria?
-While acknowledging that psychedelics are not for everyone and can affect people differently, the narrator believes they have a place in medical treatment, as they worked for them in helping to alleviate feelings of dysphoria.
Outlines
đ§ Childhood Struggles and Early Identity Exploration
The narrator, a self-described nerdy tomboy, discusses her early childhood and the pressures from her mother to conform to traditional femininity. This included the discomfort of having long hair styled in French braids and the painful experience of having it cut into a pixie cut. As she entered fifth grade, she began to prefer boys' clothing and developed an interest in anime and cosplay, particularly as male characters. Her journey of self-discovery continued into sixth grade when she realized her attraction to women, initially identifying as bisexual before eventually identifying as a butch lesbian and then desisting from the trans narrative.
đ Finding the Trans Community and Detransitioning
The narrator's exploration of her identity led her to Tumblr and the trans community, where she found others who shared her experiences and feelings of being in the wrong body. Despite identifying as trans at 14 and pursuing a path towards stealth, she faced family opposition and personal fears about the long-term consequences of transitioning. After a period of detransitioning, she struggled with societal expectations and her mother's disapproval, which led her to try to conform to feminine norms. However, she expresses regret for not addressing the root causes of her dysphoria and for buying into the narrative that dysphoria is only treatable through medical intervention.
đ The Impact of Hormones and Surgical Considerations
At 18, the narrator began testosterone treatment through informed consent, experiencing initial satisfaction with the changes but still feeling a strong desire to pass as a biological male. Despite achieving the ability to pass stealth, she was not satisfied with her physical appearance and considered further surgeries like jaw implants. The narrator also discusses the challenges of pursuing top surgery, including the gatekeeping practices of some clinics and her decision to find a surgeon who would accept her initial therapist's letter. She reflects on the financial and emotional costs of these procedures and the importance of considering the permanence of such decisions.
đ Psychedelic Experiences and Reevaluating Identity
The narrator recounts a transformative experience with psychedelics that led to a profound reevaluation of her identity and the concept of being 'trans.' During the trip, she felt a deep connection to all beings and a realization that her body was perfect as it was, leading her to question the necessity of cosmetic surgeries and the societal pressures to conform to gender norms. This experience prompted her to stop using testosterone and to embrace her identity without the constraints of gender expectations. She concludes with advice for those considering transition, emphasizing the importance of questioning one's motivations and considering the individual causes and treatments for dysphoria.
Mindmap
Keywords
đĄTomboy
đĄGender Dysphoria
đĄTransgender
đĄButch Lesbian
đĄCosplay
đĄTestosterone
đĄStealth
đĄTop Surgery
đĄDetransition
đĄPsychedelics
đĄGatekeeping
Highlights
Narrative of growing up as a tomboy and the initial development of jealousy towards boys due to maternal influence.
Aversion to long hair and the painful experiences associated with feminine grooming.
A preference for a pixie cut and the struggle with maternal disapproval.
Desire to dress in boys' clothing and the initial use of her brother's clothes as a workaround.
Introduction to anime, cosplay, and the aspiration to portray male characters.
The complex journey of sexual identity from bisexuality to Butch lesbianism, and back to bisexuality post-testosterone.
Discovery of the trans community through anime and gaming interests on Tumblr.
The impact of online narratives and the internalization of being 'born in the wrong body'.
Desisting from transition efforts due to family unsupportiveness and life concerns.
The struggle with societal expectations and the attempt to conform by adopting feminine traits.
The decision to start testosterone at 18 and the subsequent diagnosis of dysphoria.
Disillusionment with the physical changes post-testosterone and the ongoing dysphoria.
The pursuit of top surgery and the challenges faced in finding a surgeon and navigating insurance.
A profound experience with psychedelics leading to a reevaluation of the trans identity and body acceptance.
The cessation of testosterone and the liberation from the constraints of gender identity.
Advice for those considering transition, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance and questioning the need for medical intervention.
The acknowledgment of varying causes of dysphoria and the belief in personalized treatment approaches.
A personal testimony on the potential benefits of psychedelics for some individuals with gender dysphoria.
A closing note on the speaker's transition journey, reflecting on the challenges and growth experienced.
Transcripts
a chapter one Early Childhood growing up
I was a nerdy tomboy while my sister was
quite girly and then having my mom push
me to be more girly like her is where I
initially developed my jealousy of boys
uh one thing I especially hated was
being forced to have a long hair because
my mom would try to put into French
braids and she would brush it really
painfully and she also put in like this
noxious sticky
hairspray um one day she actually tried
to come my hair and she screwed up so
badly that it had to be fixed by a
professional by cutting into a pixie cut
which I loved but she did not so I
wasn't able to get my hair cut into a
pixie cut until years later um but yeah
onto like fifth grade is when I first
really started wanting to dress in boys
clothing but my mom wasn't really about
letting me shop in the boy section so I
would take clothes for my brother um
this is also the year I really got into
anime and cosplay and especially um
having a desire to cosplay as the boy
characters but my mom still wouldn't let
me until one year where she relented and
let me wear a c Ash Ketchum costume from
Pokémon though she would have rather me
dressed as
Pikachu um and then the next year which
is sixth grade is when I realized I
liked women which I initially came out
as bisexual then later I started
identifying as a Butch lesbian and then
after testosterone use I actually
identifi as bisexual out chapter 2
finding the trans Community since I've
always been into anime and gaming it's
not surprising I found Tumblr and joined
fandoms which is how I got introduced to
the whole trans thing in 2016 I'd see
other lesbians transitioning trans head
cannons and fandoms I was in as well as
posts on Tumblr and videos from trans
YouTubers about how they knew they were
trans which I related to my masculine
clothes attraction to women Hobbies no
desire to ever have kids hating my body
and hating the idea of men finding me
attractive were all used as signs that I
was trans not to mention the inverse I'd
see from male to female people wanting
to be women because they wanted to be
sexy or gain the smale attention uh
liking having a long hair uh liking
makeup wearing women's clothing and all
matter of reductive stereotypes that I
did and fit into cement of these
feelings that I should have been born
male the trans Community was telling me
I was born in the wrong body which is a
phrase I've really come to hate I think
it's harmful to tell somebody that hates
their body that their body is wrong and
that they'll commit suicide if they
don't transition especially if this
person is a minor not to mention they
never scanned to see if my brain was
like an opposite sex Brain before
starting HRT because it's just a theory
I started identifying as trans at 14 but
I was striving to become stealth in the
future because I didn't want to be trans
I wish to be biological male and believe
that transitioning would be the next
closest thing to treat my dysphoria I
ended up desisting for a bit in 2018 uh
due to my family being unsupportive and
fear that transitioning would end up
ruining my life down the line
particularly when it came to drob
security and my physical health I
honestly wish I had just stopped there
and continued to express myself the way
I liked regardless of my gender but
instead I tried to be more feminine to
make my mom happy because of how
rejected I felt by her as a masculine
woman so I began dressing in women's
clothing growing up my hair and trying
makeup which I hated doing and that just
made me end up wishing I were born male
even more I wish I would have gotten the
help I needed at this point and address
the root cause of my dysphoria which
would have allowed me to accept myself
as a masculine woman but I bought Into
The Narrative of dysphoria being
permanent and only treatable through
gender affirming surgeries and hormones
so I persisted in chasing this goal
chapter 3 hormones I started
testosterone when I was 18 through
informed consent I had a telea health
appointment with a doctor at a gender
Clinic um and I was diagnosed with
dysphoria after this very same
appointment after being asked
stereotypical questions about my
childhood which I got my testosterone a
few weeks later after getting my blood
work done and then later had an inperson
appointment to learn how to inject
myself I initially like these changes
but I still wasn't satisfied with how I
looked I was passing as a little boy at
best which didn't help with my dysphoria
but I still held on to this hope that I
could somehow catch up to biological men
my age without taking to account that my
very skeleton shape would ever stop me
from ever achieving this goal which
later actually made me want to have like
jaaw implants or something hormone
replacement therapy isn't a a second
puberty after all it's how your
endocrine system reacts to a hormone
imbalance despite this I eventually
reached my goal of passing stealth all
the time I'll be it as much younger so I
was still disappointed with the results
and still had dysphoria over my sex I
felt like I couldn't make friends or get
close to anybody without getting outed I
was also celibate since I didn't want to
be with anybody that' be attracted to me
because of how young I looked as well as
Desiring to be fully transition first
despite my dissatisfaction with my
results I continued transitioning and
started to pursue Top surgery I was able
to get a letter from a therapist I
talked to once over Zoom the plastic the
first Plastic Surgery Clinic I contacted
wouldn't accept this letter unless I
would sing a therapist consistently
before and after which is good that they
enforce that because um lawsuits are
going to be hella but uh yeah instead of
going and seeing a therapist I believed
in like this whole oh they're
gatekeeping if they don't let me get the
surgery because women can get their
boobs done so I went ahead and looked
for another surgon that actually took
this letter and my insurance also
accepted it but I didn't meet my
deductible which has turned out to be
some divine intervention in hind chapter
4 mushrooms Indy transitioning almost 2
years into my transition I had the
opportunity to try shroom chocolate for
the first time and I decided to try it
because I was curious about psychedelics
and when I was tripping I began having
these thoughts and Visions about being
connected to everyone and everybody
being like cells in a body or atoms I
felt like this trans identity didn't
matter and that it was purely cosmetic
and self-serving I also had an epiphany
that my body is healthy and perfect as
it is because it allows me to experience
life and love which is what I truly
believe or here for this made me feel
incredibly guilty about the amount of
money I was planning on spending on
cosmetic surgery to remove my breast
which would have been better spent on
experiences with loved ones rather than
my own physical appearance after I came
down from this I felt like I could
finally take my binder off and not worry
about others perception of me or my
gender or stereotypes or anything like
that and soon after I stopped
testosterone too after five my thoughts
on transition my advice for people
considering transition is to question if
you'd be happy being non-pass pass ing
or openly trans or if you think you'd
only be happy passing and being stealth
and fear people finding out your trans
having to completely pass all the time
and living in fear of being outed really
takes a toll on your mental health and
quality of life I also encourage not
rushing this decision as I'm not the
same person I was at 18 when I started
testosterone and thought this would be
my entire life I'm now 21 and I'm
detransitioned so it's definitely not a
choice you want to write question
too I also believe that the cause of
dysphoria varies from person to person
so the treatment should also vary not
every dysphoric person needs medical
intervention I also need to state that
psychedelics aren't for everyone since
they affect people differently I do
however think they have their place
medically as they work for me and on
that note I'll go ahead and end this
video uh thank you for making it through
to the end considering this is my first
time ever doing a voice over and it's
just not my strong suit I'm more of just
a animate uh other people's audio kind
of person since you know but I also want
to mention that I use gender terms and
when I'm talking about clothes but I
don't believe that clothes are gendered
I just thought it would be more
simplistic to explain it that way but uh
yeah thanks for watching and have a
beautiful day
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