How Apologies Kill Our Confidence | Maja Jovanovic | TEDxTrinityBellwoodsWomen

Summary

The speaker shares a powerful reflection on women's tendency to unnecessarily apologize and downplay their accomplishments. After attending an academic conference, she noticed that while men rarely apologized for their successes, women often diminished their own expertise. The talk highlights how habitual apologizing undermines confidence and suggests alternatives to empower women, such as using 'thank you' instead of 'sorry.' Through personal anecdotes and humor, the speaker encourages women to stop apologizing, own their achievements, and support one another in breaking free from these limiting habits.

Takeaways

• 😲 Women in professional settings often minimize their accomplishments when introducing themselves, unlike men, which can affect their confidence and career growth.
• 😟 Apologies are overused by women, often unnecessarily, which can undermine their authority and self-assurance in various situations.
• 🤔 Research shows that while both men and women apologize when necessary, men have a higher threshold for what they deem 'apology-worthy' compared to women.
• 💬 Apologetic language has become a habitual form of communication for many women, diminishing their confidence over time.
• 💡 Instead of leading with apologies, women can replace them with confident alternatives like 'thank you' or assertive statements such as 'I have an idea.'
• 🎤 Women often preface public speaking or opinions with self-deprecating remarks, which can lead to a loss of credibility and influence.
• ✋ Apologies can be switched with gratitude; for example, instead of saying 'Sorry for being late,' say 'Thanks for waiting!' to foster a more positive and assertive tone.
• 🚫 The use of 'sorry' in emails and texts can be avoided, and a Google Chrome plugin called 'Just Not Sorry' helps identify unnecessary apologies in digital communication.
• 🙌 Women should own their successes by saying 'thank you' when complimented, resisting the urge to downplay their achievements or make self-deprecating jokes.
• 💪 The speaker encourages women to help each other break the habit of apologizing and instead promote confidence and self-worth by interrupting unnecessary apologies in everyday conversations.

Q & A

What was the pivotal moment that changed the speaker's career and life?

The pivotal moment occurred four years ago when the speaker attended an academic conference and observed a panel of four successful female academics minimizing their accomplishments during their introductions. This experience profoundly impacted her, inspiring her research on women’s tendency to apologize and downplay achievements.

What trend did the speaker notice among female academics at the conference?

The speaker noticed that every time a female academic took the microphone, she minimized her accomplishments, used an apologetic tone, and often downplayed her expertise, in stark contrast to the male speakers, who did not exhibit the same behavior.

Why does the speaker find the act of apologizing frequently problematic?

The speaker argues that frequent, unnecessary apologies undermine confidence. Apologizing habitually diminishes a person's perceived authority and self-worth, making others less likely to view them as confident or promotable.

How do men and women differ in their thresholds for apologizing, according to the speaker?

Research shows that while both men and women apologize when they believe an infraction warrants it, men generally have a much higher threshold for what they consider apology-worthy behavior. Women, on the other hand, tend to apologize much more frequently and for smaller issues.

What alternative phrases does the speaker suggest women use instead of 'sorry'?

The speaker suggests replacing 'sorry' with more assertive phrases such as 'go ahead,' 'your turn,' 'pardon me,' or 'excuse me,' which do not diminish confidence and assertiveness.

How does the speaker advise responding to compliments?

The speaker advises simply saying 'thank you' when receiving a compliment, without downplaying or deflecting it. She emphasizes that women should resist the urge to make self-deprecating jokes or dismiss their achievements.

What is 'feminine modesty,' and why does the speaker criticize it?

'Feminine modesty' refers to the tendency for women to downplay their achievements to avoid appearing boastful or arrogant. The speaker criticizes it because it causes women to minimize their self-worth and accomplishments, leading to a lack of recognition for their contributions.

What does the speaker suggest as a response when you are late to a meeting?

Instead of apologizing for being late, the speaker suggests saying 'Thanks for waiting!' This response shifts the focus from an apology to gratitude, maintaining confidence and avoiding unnecessary apologies.

What tool does the speaker recommend for reducing unnecessary apologies in emails?

The speaker recommends using the Google Chrome plug-in called 'Just Not Sorry,' which flags unnecessary apologies in emails and encourages more assertive communication.

What are the three tips the speaker offers for breaking the habit of apologizing?

The speaker's three tips are: 1) Stop apologizing needlessly, even if you catch yourself mid-apology. 2) Say 'thank you' when receiving praise, and avoid deflecting. 3) Help other women by interrupting their apologies and encouraging them to stop minimizing their accomplishments.