Anxious Attachment: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Heidi Priebe discusses the challenges faced by individuals with anxious attachment styles in relationships. She explains how their openness and vulnerability, while strengths, can lead to a lack of self-protection. Priebe emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and establishing personal boundaries to avoid repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. She advises anxiously attached individuals to focus on self-awareness and personal growth to achieve secure and fulfilling relationships.
Takeaways
- 🔄 Heidi Priebe discusses how insecure attachment styles, including avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant, can lead to repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
- 🌀 The tendency to repeat patterns in relationships often stems from psychological blind spots, which are areas of behavior that individuals are not consciously aware of.
- 🚴♀️ An analogy is used to explain the imbalance caused by focusing on strengths while neglecting blind spots, similar to a tricycle with one deflated wheel.
- 💔 Anxious attachment is characterized by a preoccupation with others' behavior, which can be both a strength and a weakness in relationships.
- 🌱 Anxious individuals are open to learning and growing through love, which is a valuable trait for forming secure relationships.
- 🚫 However, this openness can also leave individuals unprotected and vulnerable, as they may not have learned to set boundaries and protect themselves.
- 🤔 The script suggests that anxious individuals often seek partners to fulfill a savior role, expecting them to set boundaries and meet all their emotional needs.
- 🛡️ The importance of self-responsibility in relationships is emphasized, suggesting that individuals need to learn to set their own boundaries and protect themselves.
- 🧭 To break the cycle of repeating relationship patterns, anxious individuals are encouraged to focus on self-awareness and personal growth, rather than seeking an ideal partner.
- 🏡 A thought exercise is proposed where individuals consider how they would live their lives if they were certain they would never find a romantic partner, to help clarify personal values and goals.
- 🔗 The script concludes that entering a relationship with a strong sense of self and clear boundaries is key to forming healthy, secure connections.
Q & A
What is the main focus of Heidi Priebe's discussion in the script?
-The main focus is on exploring how individuals with different insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant, tend to repeat the same mistakes in relationships and other areas of life.
Why does Heidi Priebe reference Einstein's quote about insanity in the script?
-Heidi Priebe references Einstein's quote to illustrate the futility of expecting different outcomes from repeating the same behaviors, which is a common pattern for people with insecure attachment styles post-relationship.
What does Heidi Priebe mean by 'psychological blind spot' in the context of attachment styles?
-A 'psychological blind spot' refers to the aspects of one's behavior or thought patterns that are not consciously recognized, which can lead to repeating the same mistakes in relationships without realizing the underlying causes.
How does Heidi Priebe describe the anxious attachment style's strength?
-The anxious attachment style's strength is its incredible openness to learning through love, which allows individuals to be vulnerable and receptive to growth and learning from their partners.
What is the 'deflated wheel' that Heidi Priebe associates with the anxious attachment style?
-The 'deflated wheel' refers to the lack of self-protection and self-responsibility in setting boundaries, which can cause individuals with an anxious attachment style to be overly dependent on others for emotional regulation.
Why does Heidi Priebe suggest that focusing on others' behavior can be a problem for those with anxious attachment?
-Focusing on others' behavior can be a problem because it distracts from addressing one's own psychological blind spots and self-responsibility, leading to a cycle of repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.
What does Heidi Priebe recommend as a way to break the cycle of repeating relationship mistakes for those with anxious attachment?
-Heidi Priebe recommends developing self-awareness, understanding one's own boundaries, and creating a life outside of romantic relationships that provides emotional security and fulfillment.
How does Heidi Priebe suggest someone with an anxious attachment style can better prepare for a healthy relationship?
-By focusing on self-reflection, understanding personal values and goals, and learning to balance vulnerability with self-protection, one can prepare for a healthier relationship dynamic.
What is the importance of having a strong sense of self according to Heidi Priebe?
-Having a strong sense of self is important because it helps individuals understand their boundaries and what they need to protect, which is crucial for setting healthy boundaries in relationships.
Why does Heidi Priebe emphasize the need for both vulnerability and self-protection in relationships?
-Both vulnerability and self-protection are necessary for a balanced and healthy relationship. Vulnerability allows for deep connection and growth, while self-protection ensures emotional safety and boundary maintenance.
What role does self-responsibility play in breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns, as discussed by Heidi Priebe?
-Self-responsibility plays a critical role in breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns by encouraging individuals to take charge of their emotional needs and boundaries, rather than relying on partners to fulfill those roles.
Outlines
🔄 Understanding Attachment Styles
Heidi Priebe introduces the topic of attachment styles, focusing on how insecure attachment patterns can lead to repetitive mistakes in relationships and other areas of life. She emphasizes that everyone reflects after a bad situation, aiming to avoid repeating the same mistakes. However, people often overlook their psychological blind spots, which are crucial for learning and growth. The analogy of a tricycle with deflated wheels is used to illustrate the importance of addressing these blind spots to move forward effectively.
🌱 Strengths and Weaknesses of Anxious Attachment
This section delves into the anxious attachment style, highlighting its strength as an openness to learn through love and vulnerability. Heidi explains how this openness is vital for forming secure relationships but also points out the potential weakness of lacking self-protection. The discussion contrasts the ideal vulnerability of a child with the need for adults to balance this with self-protection and boundary-setting. The summary stresses the importance of self-regulation and boundary communication in maintaining healthy relationships.
🔄 Shifting from Victim to Victor
Heidi discusses the tendency of anxiously attached individuals to focus on others' behavior rather than their own self-responsibility. She explains that while it's important to identify red flags in partners, the real solution lies in understanding and addressing one's own psychological blind spots. The narrative encourages individuals to take responsibility for their own boundaries and to develop a strong sense of self, which is crucial for setting healthy boundaries in relationships.
💡 Prioritizing Self-Growth for Healthy Relationships
The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of self-knowledge and personal growth for those with anxious attachment styles. Heidi suggests imagining life without a romantic partner to clarify personal goals and values. She advises on balancing the desire for a partner with a strong sense of self, ensuring that one's identity and happiness are not solely dependent on finding an ideal partner. The summary underscores the idea that a healthy relationship requires both vulnerability and self-protection, and that personal fulfillment should come from within, not just from a relationship.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Attachment Styles
💡Insecure Attachment
💡Blind Spot
💡Vulnerability
💡Self-Protection
💡Red Flags
💡Self-Regulation
💡Boundaries
💡Ideal Partner
💡Self-Responsibility
💡Emotional Safety
Highlights
Heidi Priebe discusses the impact of insecure attachment styles on relationships and other areas of life.
Insecure attachment styles include avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant.
People often fail to break the cycle of repeating mistakes in relationships due to psychological blind spots.
Reflecting on past relationships is essential but not sufficient; one must address blind spots.
Anxious attachment style is characterized by a preoccupation with others' behavior.
Anxious individuals are open to learning and growing through love, which is a strength.
Vulnerability is necessary for secure relationships, but it must be balanced with self-protection.
Anxious individuals may lack self-protective mechanisms, leading to a lack of boundaries.
Self-responsibility is often overlooked by those with anxious attachment, expecting partners to set boundaries.
Healthy relationships require both partners to be aware of and communicate their boundaries.
Anxious individuals often focus on their partner's flaws to avoid addressing their own issues.
To form a secure relationship, one must balance vulnerability with self-regulated behavior.
Anxious individuals need to develop a stronger sense of self to set effective boundaries.
Heidi suggests imagining life without a romantic partner to clarify personal goals and boundaries.
Having a life outside of a partnership reduces the pressure on the relationship to fulfill all needs.
The ability to switch between being vulnerable and self-protective is crucial for a secure partnership.
Heidi emphasizes the importance of not relying on a partner to redeem one's life or provide all emotional regulation.
A secure sense of self and clear boundaries contribute to a healthier and more successful relationship.
Transcripts
hey guys I'm Heidi Priebe welcome back
to my Channel or welcome to my channel
if you're new here today we are
continuing a series on each of the
attachment Styles each of the insecure
attachment Styles so avoidant anxious
and fearful avoidant and what it is that
causes them to perpetually make the same
types of mistakes in relationships and
this can be applied not just to
relationships but to basically any area
of your life where your attachment
patterning is showing up so for a lot of
people that might be work it might be
friendships or family relationships but
the relationships that tend to be the
most painful and kind of causes the most
distress tend to be romantic
relationships so we're going to focus
predominantly on those throughout the
course of this video but feel free to
take this and apply it to whatever area
of your life it applies to
so I want to start off by saying that I
do not think that anybody of any
attachment style secure avoidant anxious
fearful avoidant gets out of a bad
relationship or finishes some period of
their life where things went really
wrong and goes okay I'm gonna do no
reflecting I'm just gonna Barrel forward
into the future and do the exact same
thing again and hope for different
results there's an Einstein quote that
goes something along the lines of
insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again and expecting different
results and so what I'm not here to do
is call anybody insane I believe from
the bottom of my heart that almost
everybody once exiting a bad situation
does take the time to reflect and go
okay what could I do differently in the
future right how can I avoid falling
back into that same kind of trap that I
was in in my last relationship my last
job my last friend group and how do I
make sure that in the future I'm not
doing more of the same thing and then
for a lot of us what happens is we we go
into the next situation that looks
different on the surface but down the
line ends up repeating the same pattern
and then a lot of us are like okay how
did I end up here like I really thought
I had internalized some of these red
flags figured out where some of these
problem areas are and yet I got more of
the same thing in a different form right
and the reason this happens and it
happens for all insecure Styles in
particular is because most of the time
the repetitive problems that we
experience in life are originating from
a psychological blind spot so what we
tend to do when we're reflecting on past
situations is go okay what did I do well
right and then the natural impulse is to
double down on that but what we tend to
neglect is the information that's in our
blind spot so the things we are doing
that we don't know we're doing because
our brains have kind of hidden this
information from ourselves and the thing
is that's the stuff we actually need to
learn from so I want you to think of it
kind of like you're riding a tricycle
and you have two wheels on the back
right and one of them is completely
deflated and the other one is kind of
half pumped up and so what we do when
we're trying to double down on our
strengths but we have an insecure
attachment style it's kind of like we're
trying to take the wheel that's already
partially inflated and pump it up even
more right because we can't see the
other wheel that's in our blind spot and
then we might get on our bike our
tricycle and go okay I'm 100 sure now
that this wheel is so pumped up it's so
round it functions so well and then we
get on that bike and start immediately
driving in circles because a tricycle
needs its two back wheels in order to
move forward in a straight Direction so
for the anxious attachment style what is
that wheel that strength that you have
that thing you do really well and what
is that deflated wheel that's going to
cause you to go in circles until you
attend to it that's what we're going to
talk about out over the course of this
video so that's a long way of saying
what we're going to look at here is what
your strengths naturally are in
relationships and how that strength if
left unbalanced can actually become a
weakness or a vice something that's
holding you back from what you want so
for the anxious attachment style that
over inflated wheel is preoccupation or
fixation on other people's behavior
so let's talk about why this is a
strength and then we'll talk about why
it holds you back so the anxious
attachment style I think more so than
any other attachment orientation has
this incredible openness to learning
through love and that sounds like a
simple thing when you say it but coming
from the other side of the spectrum I
can promise this is not available to a
lot of people this is not a skill that
particularly Those Who air more avoidant
really know how to access and use inside
of themselves and it's an incredible
incredible trait that having this
attachment orientation allows you to
access frequently so when those who have
an anxious attachment style go into
relationships they tend to go in very
much with their hearts open and their
souls bared ready to learn ready to grow
with their partner ready to be taught
through the process of loving someone
and I think that that is an absolutely
vital component of making a relationship
work the ability to go you know what I'm
willing to table or suspend a lot of the
things that I strongly think and believe
and really be open to learning about
another person learning about their
experience of being alive what it's like
to be them in this world and allow
myself to be transformed and changed
through the process of loving and being
loved by someone and this is something
that you absolutely need to be able to
do to form a secure partnership with
someone that vulnerability and that
openness to let yourself be seen
completely by another person is an
absolutely vital component of love and
you should not lose it
but let's talk about what happens when
we don't balance out that strength with
the other side of things so when you
have someone who is completely
vulnerable completely open completely
willing to accept and run towards
whatever love they're able to find what
you also have is a person who isn't
particularly protected and in a best
case scenario this type of vulnerability
and openness is what we come into the
world with right I always kind of
picture when I think of this energy like
an image of a little baby lying on its
back in the crib with its arms up above
its head just completely and totally
open and vulnerable and willing to let
the world take care of it
and that energy again is so important to
keep with us as adults but it's also an
energy that lacks self-protection right
because who is responsible for that
baby's well-being it's caretakers and as
we grow up as children if we're able if
we are raised in environments that allow
us to keep that kind of open vulnerable
energy alive in us ideally we learn
through the care and attentiveness of
the adults in our lives how to protect
ourselves alongside that so when it's
safe to be in that energy and when it's
not so safe to be there and in the cases
where it's not so safe to be in that
energy how do we protect ourselves how
do we show up for ourselves learn to set
boundaries around that energy and
understand when it's time to step out of
it so when is it time to not be a
student when is it time to not be
completely receptive and as we grow up
specifically if we grow up with secure
patterning we also learn when is it time
for me to step up into my adult self and
be protective over other people as
opposed to always being in that position
of being so vulnerable so open to being
taught and consequently leaving
ourselves undefended because here's the
thing just as much as secure relating
requires that openness and vulnerability
and willingness to compromise and work
together it also requires in perfectly
equal part the ability to stay
self-regulated to step out of our own
vulnerability and to protect and set
boundaries for ourselves and to be able
to do that on kind of a frequent daily
basis in a variety of situations right
if we are always saying yes to what
others want from us if we are that open
and that willing and that vulnerable
then somebody else inevitably has to set
our boundaries for us because we're
behaving the way a kind of innocent
trusting child would behave in the world
and I think that a lot of the time in
relationship tips when anxious
individuals are getting really angry at
their Partners the underlying anger is
coming from a place of why aren't you
setting my boundaries for me
right instead of me figuring out what do
I need to stay regulated healthy and
balanced in the world why aren't you as
my partner doing that for me why aren't
you anticipating and responding to my
needs why aren't you noticing and
responding to the ways in which this
relationship Dynamic isn't working and
what's in your blind spot here is your
own self-responsibility in a
relationship that functions healthily
both partners are aware of where their
boundaries lie and they're also able to
communicate those boundaries and that
communication of boundaries sometimes on
a daily basis is what keeps a
relationship functioning healthily as
opposed to getting enmeshed so what a
lot of anxious types tend to do when
they get out of ovarian meshed
relationship is go okay I'm going to do
what I know how to do well which is
focus intently on other people's
behavior so I'm gonna get really clear
on all of the things that my partner did
wrong all of the things about my partner
that were toxic or unhealthy all of
their behaviors that didn't work for me
and I'm going to go into the next
relationship more aware of what all of
those red flags are and so what ends up
happening is you might feel like okay in
each partnership I'm definitely getting
less and less of the really bad stuff
but I'm never quite getting there in
terms of that secure connected
relationship that I really want and the
reason that happens is that no matter
how far away you get from those really
bad behaviors you're never going to have
that secure connected relationship until
you can inflate that other wheel and
figure out how to bring a more
self-protected version of yourself into
a relationship right so that means not
seeing your partner as responsible for
setting your boundaries for you so what
you might think you're doing is working
towards a secure healthy connected
relationship but what's actually
happening is you're just shifting the
goal post in terms of what an ideal
partner looks like to you and the
problem is that as long as you are
looking for that ideal partner who is
going to take away all of your pain know
what you're thinking and feeling before
you do and respond perfectly to you all
of the time you are going to be stuck in
this Loop of suffering because there is
no partner who can do that there is no
partner who is healthy who wants to do
that and that part's really important
right if you find a partner who likes to
play that role of chronically being a
teacher and a caretaker it's likely that
that person has some unhealthy
patterning that's causing them to do
that and that's going to cause even more
problems down the line so in order to
get out of this Loop of endless
suffering the solution is not get better
and better at identifying the type of
Savior you want to find because
unconsciously that's what you're looking
for right the solution lies in
understanding that you are responsible
for teaching yourself a lot of the
things that you kind of miss the first
timer round so let's talk about what
some of those things are when we are
young and we are vulnerable and we get
hurt ideally we have a caregiver or
someone in our Lives who can teach us to
translate the pain we feel into
boundaries that we need to have in order
to set healthy boundaries we have to
kind of know who we are and what matters
to us and this is another thing that
tends to be in the blind spot for a lot
of anxiously attached individuals is
this strong sense of who am I what
matters to me in life and where am I
going in life and if you don't have
those things in place it's going to be
really hard for you to set boundaries
because you don't know what you're
protecting with your boundaries right
it's kind of like someone going okay
here is the materials to build a fence
build a fence around your land if you
have no idea what your land looks like
you don't know how to distinguish your
land from your neighbor's land it's
going to be really hard for you to
understand where it makes sense to build
a fence because you don't really know
what's with within your property and the
same is true of someone who doesn't have
a particularly strong and robust sense
of this is who I am you don't know where
to put up boundaries because you don't
really know where you end and someone
else begins and so I think that for the
anxiously attached type in particular a
really valuable exercise can be just
thinking to yourself how would I design
my life if I knew without a shadow of a
doubt that I was never going to meet my
person that some spell had been cast on
me at Birth that showed with 100
certainty my soulmate is not on their
way my partner is not arriving I'm going
to live the rest of my life without a
romantic relationship
how would you prioritize your life if
that were true
what would you spend your life doing day
to day which platonic relationships
would you strengthen with family members
or with friends or with community
members where would you start devoting
your time and attention in areas where
maybe you've neglected a little bit in
the past what would you do with your
career which Hobbies might you take up
what would you do with the abundance of
time that you have spent the majority of
your life using to fixate on other
people's behavior and the clearer you
can get on the answer to that the more
you'll start to understand why it's
important to have boundaries because if
you want all of these things for your
life if you now have goals interests
other relationships that are really
important to you now when you go into a
romantic relationship you're not going
in totally vulnerable right you're going
in partially vulnerable which again is
really important but also partially
protected and boundaried and you need to
know in order to have a healthy
relationship how to switch between those
two states as well as when it's
appropriate to be in which one it is
great to be in an open undefended
vulnerable state of existence in
situations where we're reasonably sure
that we're emotionally safe around
another person but it's not a good thing
to go in undefended to situations that
we're not sure are safe for us yet and
for a secure person it generally takes a
little while to figure out okay when and
where is it a good time for me to let my
guard down and where do I need to stay a
little bit protected and again in a
secure partnership you need to know when
it's time to step out of that vulnerable
willing to be taught energy and
understand okay right now maybe my
partner needs me to be the adult so
maybe right now it's my turn to take
what I'm feeling put it aside be
regulated and be there for someone else
right to step into that teacher role as
well as the student role at different
points in time but if you're
exceptionally good at being in that open
vulnerable student role and completely
and totally incompetent at stepping into
that self-regulated boundary role what
you have is a tricycle that's going
around in circles endlessly the way to
fix it is not by pumping up that wheel
of fixation on others and getting
clearer and clearer on what type of
partner you want to have it's about
inflating that other wheel that part of
yourself that tells you this is who I am
this is what matters to me and therefore
this is the type of relationship I'm
looking for and which boundaries I'm
going to need to have in place within
any romantic relationship I get into and
only once that wheel is really inflated
are you going to be able to move forward
in a way that makes sense and actually
gets you closer to the type of
relationship you want so I'm going to
say this in plain language one more time
if you are ancient attached and you get
out of a bad relationship and the only
preparation work you do around how to
prepare for your next relationship is to
get more and more specific about the
traits you want your partner to have you
are setting yourself up for failure in
your next relationship you need to be
balancing out what type of partner
you're looking for with information
about who you are what matters to you in
life completely outside of a partnership
and how you are going to keep that part
of yourself firmly intact in your next
relationship
and this means you should have some
significant deal breakers all healthy
people do so then when you go into your
next relationship instead of just
sitting there on the first date going
like oh please don't be toxic please
don't be toxic you can go into the first
date being like hey I really hope that
this person shares my interests and
passions I hope that we get along
because we like to talk about the same
types of things I hope that our values
and long-term goals are aligned and if
they're not cool maybe I make a friend
and that thought isn't threatening
because I'm not expecting this
relationship to be the thing that
redeems me I took the time I really got
to know myself I redeemed my
relationship with myself and now I feel
like a pretty cool competent confident
person who's looking for an equal and
who will be perfectly okay if that
person doesn't come along for a long
time because you have a life full of
people and goals and activities that you
genuinely love to the same extent that
you currently might love the idea of
finding an ideal partner and the cool
thing about coming in with that energy
is you don't need your partner to be
perfect because you can kind of switch
back and forth right when your partner
is in a bad mood when they're frustrated
when you are having a disagreement with
them because you know how to step out of
that vulnerable open energy and into
that self-protective boundaried energy
you can give your partner the space that
they need when things get tense you can
go to your friends to your work to that
life you have outside of your
partnership and regulate there instead
of needing all of your regulation and
all of your sense of self to come
through your partnership so now when
things are dicey in your partnership
it's one area of your life that is
struggling it's not your entire
self-concept going down with that ship
right which means there's a lot less
pressure on things going wrong and when
we take a lot of that pressure off it's
a lot easier for a relationship to
thrive live all right that's all I have
for today on anxious attachment and what
tends to keep this attachment style
going in circles endlessly in
relationships as always any questions
you have please leave in the comments
below I love you guys I hope you're
taking care of yourselves and your inner
children and each other and I will see
you back here again really soon
foreign
[Music]
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