7 Stages of a Borderline personality disorder (BPD) Relationship
Summary
TLDRDr. Becky outlines the seven stages of a relationship with someone with BPD: 1) Attraction, a honeymoon phase marked by intense interest and mirroring behaviors. 2) Neediness, characterized by constant demands for attention and sensitivity to criticism. 3) Withdrawing, where the BPD individual pulls back to control the relationship. 4) Devaluing, where minor mistakes lead to sudden devaluation and dismissal. 5) Breakup, abrupt endings or declarations of separation. 6) Repair, where the BPD partner seeks reconciliation, often leading to a shorter honeymoon phase. 7) The cycle repeats, causing emotional turmoil unless one party exits the relationship.
Takeaways
- 🌟 The initial attraction stage in a relationship with someone with BPD is marked by intense feelings and mirroring behaviors.
- 📞 The neediness phase is characterized by frequent calls and texts, and sensitivity to criticism.
- 🏃♂️ Withdrawal is a tactic used by individuals with BPD to control the relationship dynamics.
- 📉 The devaluing stage sees a swift shift from idealization to devaluation, often triggered by minor mistakes.
- 💔 The breakup phase can be sudden and leave the partner feeling abandoned and heartbroken.
- 🔄 The repair phase involves the BPD individual reaching out to rekindle the relationship, often after a period of reflection.
- 🔁 The cycle of relationship stages can repeat, with each honeymoon phase becoming progressively shorter.
- 🚫 Opting out of the chaotic relationship dynamic is a choice some individuals make to seek emotional stability.
- 🤝 The responsibility for a healthy relationship lies with both parties, especially the individual with BPD who needs to seek help.
- 🔄 The emotional chaos from the cycle of breakups and makeups can persist for years if both parties are unwilling to change.
Q & A
What is the first stage of a relationship with someone who has BPD?
-The first stage is the attraction stage, also known as the honeymoon phase, where there is a strong level of attraction and the person with BPD might mirror the interests and mannerisms of their partner.
How does the neediness phase manifest in a relationship with someone with BPD?
-In the neediness phase, the person with BPD may exhibit constant need for attention, frequent calls and texts, and be very sensitive to criticism, which can impact their self-esteem.
What does the withdrawing stage look like in the context of BPD?
-During the withdrawing stage, the person with BPD might pull back from the relationship to try and control it. This withdrawal can elicit a reaction from their partner, making them feel loved and in control.
Can you describe the devaluing stage in a relationship with someone who has BPD?
-The devaluing stage follows a period of intense romance and can occur after a minor mistake. The person with BPD may suddenly see their partner as worthless, treating them very differently and causing emotional pain.
What typically happens during the breakup stage in a BPD relationship?
-In the breakup stage, the person with BPD might either disappear without warning or announce a breakup. This can be very heartbreaking for their partner, especially if they were providing emotional support.
How does the repair stage differ from the previous stages in a BPD relationship?
-The repair stage occurs after some time has passed, where the person with BPD reconsiders their previous actions and decides they want their partner back. They may reach out more reasonably and try to mend the relationship.
What is the outcome of the repair stage in a BPD relationship?
-If the repair is successful, it might lead to another honeymoon phase, but this time it is typically shorter than the initial one, indicating the cycle may repeat but with diminishing positive periods.
What happens in the seventh stage of a BPD relationship cycle?
-The seventh stage is characterized by the entire cycle starting over again if both parties allow it. This includes another honeymoon phase, idolization, devaluation, and the cycle of drama continuing.
Why does the cycle of a BPD relationship tend to repeat?
-The cycle repeats due to the dynamic between the two individuals, where both may be unwilling to walk away from the relationship, leading to a continuous pattern of breakups and makeups.
How can someone with BPD take responsibility for their part in the relationship cycle?
-A person with BPD can take responsibility by recognizing their role in the relationship's chaos, seeking help to understand and manage their behaviors, and working towards building a healthier relationship.
What advice would you give to someone in a relationship with a person who has BPD?
-It's important for the partner of someone with BPD to understand the stages of the relationship cycle, set boundaries, communicate openly, and encourage their partner to seek professional help to manage BPD symptoms.
Outlines
🌟 Stages of Relationship with BPD
Dr. Becky discusses the seven stages commonly observed in relationships with individuals who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Stage one is the Attraction phase, often perceived as a honeymoon period characterized by intense attraction and mirroring behavior. Stage two, the Neediness phase, is marked by constant seeking of attention and sensitivity to criticism. Stage three, Withdrawing, involves the BPD individual pulling back to control the relationship and elicit reactions from their partner. Stage four, Devaluing, is when the BPD partner suddenly perceives their significant other as worthless following a minor mistake. Stage five, Breakup, is characterized by the BPD individual leaving the relationship or announcing a breakup, often due to a need for the chase and hunt for love. Stage six, Repair, is when the BPD partner reconsiders their previous actions and attempts to mend the relationship, possibly leading to another honeymoon phase. Stage seven indicates a repetition of the cycle if both parties allow it, leading to a shorter honeymoon phase and continued emotional turmoil.
🤔 Responsibility and Help-Seeking in BPD Relationships
This paragraph emphasizes the importance of personal responsibility and seeking help for individuals with BPD to transform their relationships into healthier ones. It suggests that people with BPD are often vulnerable and may not intend to cause distress, but the dynamics of their relationships can be challenging. It is implied that unless the person with BPD takes significant steps towards self-improvement and help, the relationship may continue to be difficult and chaotic.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
💡Attraction Stage
💡Neediness Phase
💡Withdrawing
💡Devaluing Stage
💡Breakup
💡Repair
💡Cycle
💡Emotional Chaos
💡Mirroring
💡Sensitivity to Criticism
Highlights
The honeymoon phase is the most positive phase in a relationship with someone with BPD.
In the attraction stage, the BPD individual may mirror their partner's interests and mannerisms.
The neediness phase is characterized by constant calls, texts, and a need for attention.
Criticism can be very sensitively received during the neediness phase, impacting self-esteem.
Withdrawing is an attempt to control the relationship in the next stage.
In the devaluing stage, a small mistake can lead to the partner being perceived as worthless.
The devaluing stage can be very painful as it follows a period of intense romance.
The breakup stage may involve the BPD individual disappearing or announcing the end of the relationship.
The repair stage sees the BPD individual wanting the partner back after some time has passed.
The repaired relationship may lead to another honeymoon phase, but it is typically shorter.
The cycle of relationship stages can repeat, with each honeymoon phase getting shorter.
The cycle can continue for years unless one person decides to opt out of the drama.
The emotional chaos caused by the cycle can be overwhelming for both individuals involved.
People with BPD are vulnerable and may not intend to cause distress in relationships.
Seeking help and taking responsibility can turn a relationship with BPD into a healthier one.
Transcripts
hi I'm Dr Becky I'm a registered
psychologist and I'm going to talk about
the seven stages that you might commonly
see when you're having a relationship
with someone who has borderline
personality disorder BPD stage number
one is the attraction stage where it's
definitely the honeymoon phase and by
all means the most positive phase of the
entire relationship you will see strong
levels of Attraction here it can feel
quite intense and you might notice some
mirroring so actually the person with
BPD might take interest in the things
that you're interested in and copy some
of your mannerisms because they don't
necessarily have the confidence
themselves to decide what they're
interested in so they like to go along
with the things that you like because
they're trying to win you over at this
phase stage number two is the neediness
phase in this phase there might be a lot
of calls and text and a constant need
for attention in this phase you might
also start to see a sensitive to
criticism so if you comment on your BPD
partner's behavior in a way that's less
than positive you might see that the
person is actually very sensitive to
being criticized and that their
self-esteem is impacted by comments that
might be perceived negatively stage
number three is withdrawing and we're
holding at this stage of the
relationship the person with borderline
personality disorder might move back
from the relationship as an attempt to
try and control the relationship if they
withdraw from their relationship they
actually get a reaction from their
partner which helps them feel like
they're loved but they also start to see
that they can kind of control and
manipulate the relationship by
withdrawing in this way stage number
four is the devaluing stage the
devaluing stage comes after this intense
romantic relationship everything is
going really well and you think you've
met the love of your life and all of a
sudden you do something small wrong and
in the eyes of of your borderline
personality sort of partner this is
awful and you are of no value to them
anymore in which case they'll start to
treat you very differently and this is
going to be really painful for you to
experience because one minute you were
idolized and now you are of no value to
this person anymore their love seems to
have disappeared and they perceive you
in an extremely different light than
they did just a few days ago stage
number five is the breakup this is where
the BPD person will either disappear and
just leave the relationship without
mentioning anything or else they will
announce that they're breaking up with
you this can be incredibly heartbreaking
for you because you might have actually
been someone who is willing to provide
for them emotionally and support them
however that's not written in line with
their needs they need to actually feel
that they're chasing and hunting someone
down for love and therefore those needs
of hunting and chasing love may be we
met somewhere else and that might be why
they're leaving the relationship it
might be that the relationship that
you're offering them feels far too easy
for them and doesn't actually trigger
the pain that their life experienced in
early life stage number six is the
repair so after some time has passed and
your borderline personality disorder
Partners feelings have changed they will
decide that I actually you weren't so
bad after all and they want you back so
then they will move towards you again
and they'll need more attention from you
at this point which of course is going
to be really confusing so they will send
messages or reach out to you in a way
that's far more reasonable than the last
contact and they've had with you they'll
be more open to talking before they'll
be more reasonable and they will try and
repair the relationship and this might
actually lead to another honeymoon phase
and the whole cycle starts again but
actually this honeymoon phase is going
to be shorter than the first time round
so don't expect that things are going to
go back to how they were in the
beginning stage number seven is that the
whole entire cycle starts over and over
again if both people allow it to and
then we see it all play out again all
those stages will have a shorter
honeymoon stage we'll have the
idolization we'll have the devaluation
and uh we will have all this drama and
this could go on for years and years and
years depending on the people that are
involved in this Dynamic sometimes one
person will opt out of this and they
will see the chaos that's happening in
their life and they will opt out of
having a highly dramatic relationship
however if both people are unwilling to
walk away you will see the start stop of
the relationship break up makeup pattern
that goes on again and again and again
and it causes absolute emotional chaos
for both people involved I'm not
necessarily just blaming people with
borderline personality disorder they are
really vulnerable and they're not
necessarily intending to make someone's
life hell but being in a relationship
with someone with wordline personality
disorder can be very difficult unless
the person with BPD takes a lot of
responsibility for what they experience
and seeks a lot of help in trying to
turn that relationship into a healthy
one
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