Acting more rational - changing our automatic behavior | Ashley Zahabian | TEDxStanleyPark

Summary

The speaker shares a personal journey, emphasizing the difference between intelligence and emotional intelligence (EQ). Despite high IQ, the speaker faced emotional struggles, particularly during adolescence, battling with body image and anorexia. Over time, they learned the importance of emotional intelligence—becoming aware of one’s emotions and controlling reactions for better outcomes. The speaker advocates for meditation as a tool to develop EQ, offering practical steps to manage emotions in charged situations. By gaining emotional intelligence, the speaker transformed their life, unlocking opportunities in relationships and career, and encourages others to do the same.

Takeaways

• 💡 Intelligence and emotional intelligence are different; being intelligent doesn't guarantee acting intelligently.
• 🧠 Emotional intelligence involves awareness of your own emotions and the emotions of others, guiding actions and behaviors effectively.
• 👤 Emotional responses often overshadow rational thinking, which can lead to impulsive reactions.
• 🚫 Personal challenges, such as the speaker's struggle with anorexia, highlight the importance of emotional intelligence in overcoming inner demons.
• 💪 Developing emotional intelligence can lead to better outcomes in life, such as improved relationships and career opportunities.
• 🧘 Meditation is a useful tool for training the mind to handle emotionally charged situations with rational responses.
• 🐴 The analogy of training a horse is used to explain how meditation helps to gradually control emotional impulses.
• 🔎 In emotionally intense situations, it's important to recognize how you and others feel, label the emotions, and act for the best possible outcome.
• 📈 Practicing emotional intelligence daily can transform your life by allowing you to behave intelligently regardless of how you feel.
• 🌍 Emotional intelligence opens up a world of opportunities in personal and professional areas by helping manage emotions more effectively.

Q & A

What is the difference between being intelligent and acting intelligent, according to the speaker?

The speaker explains that being intelligent is having cognitive abilities or high IQ, while acting intelligent is using emotional intelligence to guide actions. Emotional intelligence involves being aware of one's emotions and the emotions of others, and using this awareness to make better decisions.

How does the speaker define emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to become aware of one's own feelings and the feelings of others, and using that awareness to guide thoughts, actions, and behaviors for better outcomes.

What example does the speaker give to illustrate a lack of emotional intelligence?

The speaker gives the example of John, who missed a bus, got frustrated, and then took his anger out on his son by denying him permission to visit a friend. John's frustration had nothing to do with his son, but he let his emotions control his actions instead of acting intelligently.

What personal story does the speaker share to highlight the importance of emotional intelligence?

The speaker shares a personal story about developing an eating disorder at age 14, driven by negative emotions and distorted self-image. Over time, she learned how to use emotional intelligence to control her emotions, which eventually helped her recover.

How did the speaker's experience with an eating disorder influence her understanding of emotional intelligence?

The speaker realized that her inability to control her emotions was driving her unhealthy behaviors. After years of rehab and therapy, she learned how to manage her emotions and make rational decisions, which helped her overcome her disorder and open up new opportunities in life.

Why does the speaker say people under 25 may struggle with emotional control?

The speaker points out that the rational part of the brain is not fully developed until around age 25, making it harder for younger people to control their emotions and make rational decisions.

What does the speaker suggest as one way to improve emotional intelligence?

The speaker suggests practicing meditation as a way to improve emotional intelligence. Meditation helps train the mind to control thoughts and emotions, making it easier to act rationally in emotionally charged situations.

What is the significance of the horse-training metaphor in the speaker's explanation of meditation?

The speaker compares meditation to training a horse, explaining that just as one needs to gradually build trust with a horse, one must train the emotional mind through consistent meditation to improve control over emotions.

What are the three steps the speaker recommends for handling emotionally charged situations?

The speaker recommends: 1) becoming aware of your own and others' emotions, 2) harnessing those emotions to think about the best possible action for the best outcome, and 3) acting on that decision, regardless of how you feel.

How has emotional intelligence impacted the speaker's life after her recovery?

The speaker shares that developing emotional intelligence has opened up numerous opportunities for her, including improved relationships, academic success, and business opportunities, all because she learned to control her emotions and act thoughtfully.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 Bridging the Gap Between Intelligence and Emotional Intelligence

The speaker reflects on the common struggle of being intellectually capable but emotionally stuck. Despite being considered highly intelligent from a young age, they found themselves frustrated and unable to progress. This led to the realization that being smart and acting smart are different. Emotional intelligence, which involves understanding and managing one's own emotions and those of others, plays a crucial role in overcoming these challenges. An example is given of 'John,' who lets frustration from missing a bus affect his interaction with his son, highlighting how a lack of emotional intelligence can lead to misplaced reactions.

05:04

💔 A Descent into Mental and Physical Health Struggles

The speaker recounts a personal crisis that began at age 14. Once a confident and popular child, they suddenly became reclusive and self-destructive, developing severe body image issues and anorexia. Despite not being overweight, they saw themselves as extremely large and, in a matter of months, lost 42 pounds, becoming severely malnourished. This period was marked by isolation, depression, and denial, culminating in a breaking point when they were taken to a doctor who warned them of the life-threatening consequences of their behavior. This moment marked the beginning of their journey to understanding the importance of emotional intelligence in overcoming such challenges.

10:06

🧘‍♀️ The Power of Meditation and Emotional Control

The speaker introduces meditation as a tool for developing emotional intelligence. They explain that just as athletes practice to improve performance, meditation helps one gain control over thoughts and emotions. They draw an analogy between learning to control a horse and learning to manage the emotional mind: both require time, patience, and trust-building. Meditation strengthens the rational mind, enabling better emotional regulation. This training makes it easier to respond appropriately in emotionally charged situations, as the speaker experienced through equine therapy during their recovery.

15:09

🌟 Strategies for Enhancing Emotional Intelligence

The speaker offers practical steps for improving emotional intelligence in everyday situations. First, they recommend becoming aware of one's own emotions and those of others, identifying specific feelings like anger or anxiety. Second, they suggest harnessing these emotions to think about the best possible actions for positive outcomes. Finally, they advocate for acting in line with this rational thought process, even when emotions suggest otherwise. By doing so, individuals can transform their responses and behaviors, leading to better relationships, improved career prospects, and overall personal growth. The speaker concludes by emphasizing that emotional intelligence has opened up numerous opportunities in their life, which they hope others can achieve as well.

Keywords

💡Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions as well as the emotions of others. In the video, it is described as the key difference between merely 'being intelligent' and 'acting intelligent.' The speaker emphasizes how emotional intelligence can help guide thoughts, actions, and behaviors in a more rational and productive manner, giving the example of how John mishandled a situation with his son due to his emotional state.

💡Intelligence

Intelligence is traditionally associated with cognitive abilities, such as problem-solving and understanding complex ideas. The speaker contrasts this with emotional intelligence, stating that while she had high IQ scores growing up, it did not prevent her from feeling stuck and frustrated. She suggests that intellectual ability alone is insufficient to navigate life’s challenges without emotional intelligence.

💡Frustration

Frustration is a feeling of being upset or annoyed due to an inability to achieve something. The speaker discusses how many intelligent people, including herself, can feel stuck and frustrated in life. This frustration stems from not knowing how to bridge the gap between intelligence and emotional intelligence, which often leads to poor decision-making and emotional outbursts.

💡Behavior

Behavior is the way a person acts or conducts themselves, especially toward others. The speaker stresses that emotional intelligence is about controlling behavior, even when emotions run high. She gives examples, such as John yelling at his son or people reacting impulsively in emotionally charged situations, to show how emotional intelligence helps regulate behavior for better outcomes.

💡Emotional Mind

The emotional mind refers to the part of the brain that responds based on feelings rather than rational thought. The speaker explains that when we encounter emotionally charged situations, the emotional mind reacts first, often leading to impulsive decisions before the rational mind can intervene. This creates a gap between feelings and appropriate actions, which emotional intelligence helps bridge.

💡Rational Mind

The rational mind is the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking and decision-making. In the video, the speaker contrasts it with the emotional mind, explaining that the rational mind often processes situations after the emotional mind has already reacted. She emphasizes the importance of training the rational mind, through techniques like meditation, to better handle emotional responses.

💡Meditation

Meditation is presented as a practice for gaining control over the mind, particularly the emotional mind. The speaker compares it to soccer practice, where regular drills prepare players for the actual game. Similarly, meditation trains the mind to remain calm and focused, allowing a person to control their emotional responses in real-life situations, enhancing emotional intelligence.

💡Self-awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand one’s own emotions. In the video, the speaker emphasizes that becoming aware of how you feel is the first step in emotional intelligence. By labeling emotions like anger or anxiety, one can begin to control them, leading to better decision-making and behavior.

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is described as a feeling of worry or unease that the speaker personally struggled with during her emotional crisis. She shares her experience of dealing with severe anxiety, which led her to unhealthy behaviors and a distorted self-image. Her story highlights how emotional intelligence helped her manage and overcome these overwhelming feelings.

💡Impulsivity

Impulsivity refers to acting without thinking, often driven by emotions. The speaker explains that people, especially younger individuals, act impulsively because their emotional mind reacts faster than their rational mind. Emotional intelligence helps mitigate impulsive behaviors by encouraging thoughtful responses rather than emotionally driven reactions.

Highlights

Emotional intelligence bridges the gap between being intelligent and acting intelligent.

Emotional intelligence involves awareness of your own emotions and those of others, guiding your actions and behaviors.

The speaker shares personal experiences of frustration and feeling stuck, despite being deemed highly intelligent by an IQ chart.

A personal story of childhood where the speaker transitioned from a confident, popular child to experiencing severe emotional and psychological challenges at 14.

The speaker developed body dysmorphia, leading to unhealthy weight loss and physical deterioration due to distorted self-image.

A turning point came when a doctor warned that without a behavior change, the speaker's life was at risk.

The speaker emphasizes that emotional regulation, not just intellect, was crucial for her recovery and personal growth.

Meditation is presented as a powerful tool to develop emotional intelligence by helping to control thoughts and emotions.

The process of building emotional control is compared to training a horse—requiring patience and gradual trust.

Research shows that meditation strengthens the rational mind over time, improving emotional regulation.

In emotionally charged situations, the speaker suggests three steps: becoming aware of emotions, harnessing them for the best possible outcome, and acting accordingly.

Emotional intelligence is described as a key to unlocking personal opportunities in relationships, career, and academics.

The speaker shares that learning to act intelligently despite emotions opened up new business and life opportunities.

The speaker overcame severe emotional struggles through four years of rehab and daily work on emotional regulation.

A call to action: everyone can improve emotional intelligence through meditation and emotional awareness, leading to less frustration and more success in life.

Transcripts

[Music]

many bright and capable people should

move forward but they don't they're

stuck and they're frustrated and I'm not

just talking about teenagers I'm talking

about everyone in here that's older than

19 as what you see I grew up as one of

the most intelligent people in my class

I had one of the highest IQs in my

school according to this IQ chart I was

deemed super intelligent but I still

found myself stuck and frustrated and

couldn't figure out why and then I

learned something and what I learned was

that being intelligent and acting

intelligent are not the same thing go

figure when you bridge the gap between

being intelligent and acting intelligent

you acquire emotional intelligence

emotional intelligence is when you

become aware of your own feelings and

the feelings of those around you and you

use those to guide your thoughts your

actions and your behaviors you act

intelligently something I didn't do now

we are very beholden to our emotional

state

we like to act based on how we feel

let's say for example we have John John

just missed the bus by 2 minutes and

then he gets a call because now he's

late to work and he's frustrated and

angry and he gets a call from his son

that calls him and says dad can I go can

I go to my friend's house tonight and

then dad goes no home tonight early I'm

sick and tired of staying up for you

while you're out with your friends the

reason that John was upset had nothing

to do with his son but he took all of

that out on his son and you see what

John needed

right here was not his IQ it was his EQ

and if he had acted based off of his

emotional intelligence he wouldn't have

reacted that way but let's be fair you

guys are probably wondering why is 22

year old on stage talking to me about

brain science well let me take you a

little bit back to my past growing up I

had a Cinderella childhood I had amazing

friends I had an amazing family great

education I've really had it all my

father was my coach for soccer so this

girl got playing time all the time I was

the cool girl and by the time I was 13

every boy wanted to hit on me and every

girl wanted to hit me okay I was that

girl but then at 14 something came over

me and I went through this very

emotional I just started feeling

different you know when women grow older

and they go through this phase and they

just become super moody well I got what

I can best describe to you as the

teenage menopause do not come near this

girl moody did not want to come near me

and I went from being this vivacious

bouncy boy magnet to this very quiet and

secure and lonely girl all the things

that I had enjoyed soccer no more

friends no more family I even I would

lock the door at home so that I could

didn't have to talk to my family

everything I enjoyed no more I'd look in

the mirror in my room and I'd see this

immensely overweight woman but it was

all in my head

I wasn't overweight and these feelings

and demons started to take over my mind

and I'd go to sleep and I'd look down at

my stomach and say I can't eat tomorrow

because I need my stomach to be flatter

because I saw this enormous Lea over

a woman in the mirror and every time

that I would look in the mirror I'd get

bigger and bigger but every time I

stepped on the scale I'd get lighter and

lighter what was going on in a matter of

a few months

I dropped 42 pounds and I was nothing

but a bag of skin and bones my hair was

falling out my nails were falling off I

was pale I was anemic malnourished and I

just remember crying myself to sleep

almost every night listening to dreary

sad music it got so bad to the point

that I even missed my parents

anniversary everybody was out to dinner

but me I was pretending to sleep at home

so I didn't have to sit at the table

where there was food and then that night

my parents came in my room and they said

enough is enough you need help and so

that day I went to sleep crying and I

woke up my mother woke me up and she

said well going to the doctors all the

way in Somerset New Jersey about a

three-hour ride so I woke up get to the

doctor's office I'm sitting in this

Brown chair you have the doctor and then

you have my mother the doctor is taking

my vitals taking my numbers and I said

do it whatever you have to do and in my

head I'm just to get me out of here I

didn't want to be there at all and so

this doctors taking my vitals and he

turns and says actually let me have a

word with you in my office and

rightfully so

like any other mother my mom goes can I

come and the doctors let me just speak

to her alone so now I'm anxious

my mother's anxious I step into the

doctor's office and I take a seat big

leather chair that I sunk right into not

only was I small

was i small but I felt so small I felt

so unimportant so belittled and so I sat

in in this chair and like anger was

raging out of my skin and the doctor

turned to me and said Ashley you need to

change your behavior or you're going to

die die I'm thinking to myself I'm 14

years old how am I going to die

his doctor walks out goes to speak to my

mother and I'm left there in the room

and I had so much anger is raging out of

my skin because I have held belittled

and exposed I had just felt and all

these feelings were crawling up my chest

and crawling up to my head and these

demons are speaking to me and at that

moment I just sat there and I had a

meltdown the size of Manhattan and that

that moment was when I learned that

being intelligent has nothing to do with

acting intelligent at all and no matter

how smart I was up here what happens

here was a determining force of how my

life was going to play out and that's

when I knew I had to change my behavior

now I'm sure you can guess how this ends

because I'm still here

and I wish I could tell you that

crawling out of that ditch was easy but

it wasn't it took me four years of rehab

four years of homeschooling four years

of countless daily anxiety panic attacks

and tears that could fill an entire

swimming pool but what I learned and

that was the gift of emotional

intelligence I learned how to feel one

way but act another way for a better

outcome now lucky me being 22 years old

prior to age 25 the rational part of my

brain is not fully developed so

sometimes people my age or younger tend

to do things that you adults look at us

like what are you thinking what are you

doing and I'm going to stand up for all

the young ones we are not thinking we're

too busy feeling we all have an

emotional mind and we all have a

rational mind and the way things happen

no matter what age you are is that when

events occur to us it communicates with

the emotional brain before it does to

the rational brain so by the time it

reaches the rational brain it's kind of

too late you've already acted and that's

why we become so impulsive so the

question becomes how do we bring these

two together

how do we bridge that gap to create

higher emotional intelligence how do we

let these two parts of the brains

communicate well there's two ways that I

want to talk to you about today that we

can all start today to increase our

emotional intelligence number one is

meditation now you guys are probably

thinking Ashley are you telling me that

the next time

an emotionally-charged up situation you

want me to just start meditating do not

try this at home don't do that it

doesn't work what I'm saying is

meditation works like let's say for

example soccer practice growing up

playing soccer I used to go to practice

everyday but in practice we don't

necessarily shoot goals we tend to do

more drills go around cones we tend to

take it to each other run with the ball

so we know it's in control we learn how

to control the ball meditation works the

same way we learn to control our

thinking control our thoughts so that

when we get in the game like we when we

get in a soccer game and you go to shoot

you're more likely to score to get that

better outcome because you've practiced

outside of that charged-up situation so

when we meditate oftentimes lets you

focus on just one thing and oftentimes

your emotional brain gets in the way of

that let's say your very life source

your breath when you try to focus on

that your emotional brain starts to kick

in it jumps in it pushes you off and you

start thinking about your boyfriend you

start thinking about your girlfriend so

I think about your day your work your

school whatever it is and you it's so

hard to focus on just your life breath

for five minutes 10 minutes now I

remember while going through rehab we

used to play with horses it's a way of

therapy and I remember getting on that

field running straight to the horse and

I wanted to put my foot on the horse and

it pushed me it kicked me off and I fell

to the ground and my trainer came

running to me and said whoa you can't do

that you can't just jump on a horse I

said but you just did it

he said yeah I've gained control of the

horse I've have a relationship with the

horse the horse trusts me and I said

well how can I do that and he said well

you're going to have to spend weeks

looking at the horse and then you have

to spend weeks petting the horse and

then you have to spend weeks talking to

the horse and another few weeks feeding

the horse and another few weeks maybe

just putting one foot on the horse and

he said it takes time but once you can

do this and the horse doesn't feel

threatened anymore it's going to start

to trust you and it will listen to your

every command and meditation is just

like that when we meditate the emotional

mind is going to react just like that

horse it's going to push us off it's

going to kick us back and we're going to

fall to the ground we're not going to be

able to think because the emotional mind

does not trust our rational mind yet

and over time it learns to trust the

rational mind in fact research shows

that after just a few months meditating

more activity starts to occur in the

rational mind rather than the emotional

mind making us more rational and

emotionally intelligent human beings so

now that we've practiced just like

soccer practice we've been meditating

what do we do when we're actually in a

charged up situation well there are

three things that you can do starting

today that will help you when you're in

the situation when you're in the game

first become aware of how you're feeling

and how those around you are feeling

label them are you angry are you feeling

her are you feeling anxious are you shy

are you upset are you happy how are they

feeling are they shy are they upset are

they happy the second thing you can do

is to harness those emotions think about

it what is the best possible action I

can take right now for the best possible

outcome and the third thing you can do

is act on the best possible outcome

regardless of how you're feeling

sometimes we feel angry but we have to

act appropriate let's say for example

somebody cuts you off you're going to be

feeling emotionally charged up or let's

say you're at work and somebody says you

look pregnant when you're not or let's

say your husband forgets your birthday

okay that was a bad example no all bets

are off if your husband forgets your

birthday but when we're feeling

emotionally charged up we become aware

of how we're feeling and aware of how

other people are feeling and then we

harness those emotions and think about

what is the best possible outcome that I

can take right now for the best possible

solution and the third thing you do you

take that action you see I didn't know

what emotional intelligence was when I

was in that ditch I was acting on how I

felt all the time I didn't know how to

gain control of my emotions how to

recognize what they were and act against

them when needed but because I have a

whole world of opportunities have opened

up for me in my relationships in my

career I'm able to focus now and study

and do better in school I'm able to gain

these business opportunities never

happened before all because of this one

gift that I can now control how I feel

and behave everybody here you can do the

same thing you can start today to

practice at home

meditate learn your mind learn the

emotional mind become aware of it let it

kick you off a few times continue and

when you can finally do that you can

behave

differently and gain your emotional

intelligence and become unstuck and less

frustrated because of this one gift

I now have opened a world of

opportunities and you can do the same it

is not only given me my life back

it has given me so much more that I want

you to have as well

[Applause]