The Most Important Thing To Do When It Comes To Self Love
Summary
TLDRThis video script delves into the concept of self-love, emphasizing it as an ongoing commitment rather than a one-time achievement. It discusses the internal struggle of fragmentation, where individuals push away parts of themselves due to perceived rejection, leading to shame. The speaker introduces 'exaltation' as a method to transform negative traits into their highest spiritual aspects, thereby fostering self-love. The narrative includes a personal story of Tuan, illustrating how she reconnected with her rejected traits and repurposed them for personal growth, advocating for a life aligned with one's true self.
Takeaways
- đ **Self-Love as a Daily Practice**: Self-love is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing commitment that involves daily practice and attention to both big and small aspects of self-care.
- đ¶ **Relational Dependence in Childhood**: As children, our sense of self is heavily influenced by our relationships and the acceptance or rejection from our social group, which can lead to internal conflicts and self-fragmentation.
- đ« **Internal Rejection of Personal Aspects**: We may subconsciously reject parts of ourselves that we believe are causing us to be pushed away by others, leading to a sense of shame and self-hatred.
- đ **The Cycle of Fragmentation**: Fragmentation occurs when we turn against aspects of ourselves to regain acceptance, creating an internal divide and practicing the opposite of self-love.
- â€ïž **Self-Love as Inclusion**: To love oneself is to see, hear, feel, understand, and act in the best interests of all parts of oneself, treating each aspect with value and acceptance.
- đą **Shame as the Opposite of Self-Love**: Shame is an instinctual reaction to push oneself away, whereas self-love is about drawing all parts of oneself closer and treating them with care.
- đ **Overcoming Shame Through Re-ownership**: The first step to ending shame is to reown and accept the parts of ourselves that we have pushed away, which is crucial for developing self-love.
- đ **Exaltation of Negative Traits**: Transforming negative personality traits into their highest spiritual aspect, or 'exaltation', allows us to see the positive potential in what we previously disliked about ourselves.
- đ€ **Compassionate Internal Dialogue**: Engaging in a compassionate dialogue with the parts of ourselves that we have rejected can help us understand and relate to their pain, fostering self-compassion and unity.
- đź **Visualization and Meditation**: Visualizing and meditating on the parts of ourselves we dislike can help us to see them as separate entities within us, allowing for a more objective and compassionate approach to self-love.
Q & A
What is the most important thing to do to develop self-love according to the transcript?
-The most important thing to do to develop self-love is to see, hear, feel, understand, recognize the value of oneself, and integrate the aspects of yourself that you have rejected, then act in their best interests instead of against them.
Why do we sometimes push away parts of ourselves?
-We push away parts of ourselves as a subconscious response to perceived rejection or disapproval from others, often stemming from childhood experiences where we felt we needed to conform to maintain closeness with our social group.
What is the concept of 'fragmentation' as it relates to self-love?
-'Fragmentation' refers to the internal splitting of one's consciousness where one part of us is against another part, leading to self-rejection and shame, which is the opposite of self-love.
How does the feeling of shame relate to self-love?
-Shame is an instinctual reaction to push oneself away and is considered the exact opposite of self-love. It often arises from the perception that certain aspects of ourselves lead to painful consequences, such as rejection by others.
What is the role of hurt in the development of self-hate?
-The foundation of self-hate is hurt, as we only tend to hate aspects of ourselves that have led to painful consequences, particularly when it feels like something about us results in being pushed away by others or unmet needs.
What is the concept of 'exaltation' in the context of self-love?
-Exaltation is the process of transforming a negative personality trait or problem into its highest spiritual aspect, finding the best and most positive use for the trait.
How can one apply the concept of exaltation to their negative traits?
-One can apply exaltation by identifying negative traits, accepting and approving them, and then amplifying these traits into their most positive and beneficial expressions.
What is the significance of making a connection with the parts of ourselves we dislike?
-Making a connection with the parts of ourselves we dislike is significant because it transforms our relationship with those aspects, turning them from sources of self-harm into sources of self-benefit, as they can no longer hurt us without hurting themselves.
How can visualization or meditation help in developing self-love?
-Visualization or meditation can help in developing self-love by allowing individuals to see, address, and relate to the parts of themselves they have pushed away, fostering compassion and understanding towards those aspects.
What is 'Parts work' and how does it contribute to self-love?
-Parts work is a therapeutic process where one works directly with the different parts of their personality, especially those they do not love, to change internal perspectives and reach agreements on new, loving ways of being towards oneself.
Can you provide an example from the transcript of how someone integrated a previously rejected part of themselves?
-Tu Yen, an example from the transcript, integrated her previously rejected 'broody and quiet' part by recognizing its value, such as mindfulness and depth, and redefining her life to align with its needs and values, leading to a more authentic and self-loving lifestyle.
Outlines
đ The Essence of Self-Love
This paragraph emphasizes the ongoing commitment and daily practice required for self-love, akin to nurturing any relationship. It stresses that love is not a one-time achievement but a continuous process that involves valuing oneself and acting in one's best interests. The speaker introduces the concept that self-love involves recognizing and integrating rejected aspects of oneself, rather than treating them as separate or unworthy. The paragraph also touches on the idea that as children, we may have rejected parts of ourselves to regain social acceptance, leading to internal conflict and shame. The speaker suggests that true self-love involves seeing the value in all aspects of oneself and acting in their best interests, contrasting with the self-rejecting behaviors often rooted in childhood experiences.
đ Overcoming Shame Through Self-Acceptance
Paragraph 2 delves into the process of resolving shame and developing self-love by re-owning and accepting the parts of ourselves we've pushed away. It introduces the concept of 'exaltation' from ancient Alchemy, suggesting that we should transform our negative traits into their highest spiritual aspects. The speaker provides examples of how negative traits, like being a bully or playing mind games, can be exalted into positive forms, such as leadership or counseling. The paragraph encourages viewers to identify their negative traits, find their highest expression, and visualize reconnecting with the rejected parts of themselves with compassion, aiming to understand and value these aspects as part of their whole self.
đ€ Internal Dialogue and Self-Compassion
Paragraph 3 continues the discussion on self-love by guiding the reader through an internal dialogue with the parts of themselves they may have rejected. It suggests a process of visualization to encounter these aspects and encourages a compassionate approach to understand their needs and desires. The speaker provides a detailed example of someone who was ashamed of being a bully and how they could reframe this aspect into a positive force for encouragement and leadership. The paragraph also introduces the concept of 'Parts work,' recommending a video for further guidance on this technique. The goal is to change one's internal perspective towards the rejected parts and to agree on a new, loving way of being towards oneself.
đ Embracing Authenticity for True Self-Love
In the final paragraph, the speaker shares a personal story of Tuan, who struggled with self-love due to her broody and quiet nature, which was rejected by her peers. Tuan learned to act differently to gain acceptance but remained unhappy. Through self-love practices, she began to exalt her broody nature, recognizing its value in mindfulness and depth. She performed 'Parts work' to understand and reconcile with her rejected self, leading to a change in her self-perception and actions. Tuan's story illustrates the importance of embracing one's authentic self and acting in its best interests, which ultimately leads to true self-love and personal fulfillment.
Mindmap
Keywords
đĄSelf-love
đĄRelational dependence
đĄFragmentation
đĄShame
đĄExaltation
đĄParts work
đĄInternalization
đĄReowning
đĄCompassion
đĄAuthenticity
Highlights
Self-love is an everyday commitment and practice, focusing on both big and small aspects of life.
The most important aspect of developing self-love is recognizing and valuing all parts of oneself.
Relational dependence from childhood influences how we perceive and treat ourselves as adults.
Internal fragmentation occurs when we reject parts of ourselves to regain social closeness.
Shame is the feeling of being pushed away from oneself, often resulting from self-imposed rejection.
Self-love involves seeing the value in all aspects of oneself and acting in their best interests.
Love is an instinctual reaction to include and pull closer, while shame pushes away from oneself.
Overcoming shame involves reowning and accepting the parts of ourselves we have pushed away.
Exaltation is the process of transforming negative traits into their highest spiritual aspect.
To change negative traits, one must first acknowledge and accept them, then find their positive expression.
Connection with oneself is crucial for transforming negative aspects into beneficial ones.
Resisting negative traits is counterproductive; instead, find their highest and best use.
Describe and identify the negative parts of your personality for the purpose of self-love development.
Visualize and meditate on the parts of yourself that you have pushed away to understand and accept them.
Compassion arises from relating to someone's suffering; use this to connect with your own rejected parts.
Challenge the thoughts that arise from pushing away parts of yourself through philosophical debate.
Involve others in the process of accepting and integrating rejected parts of yourself for additional perspectives.
Parts work is a technique to understand and change the internal perspective towards unloved parts of oneself.
Tuan's story illustrates the process of integrating rejected parts and developing self-love through understanding and compassion.
Developing self-love is not just about loving oneself but also about integrating the parts we dislike or push away.
Transcripts
you are in a relationship with you for
the rest of your life and just like any
other relationship love is not a
oneandone it's not something you can
achieve and then you can just go about
your life ignoring it it's an everyday
commitment it's an everyday practice
that is as much or even more so about
the little things than it is about the
big things and just like loving in a
relationship should not be treated as a
chore self-love should not be treated as
a chore there are so many ways that we
can commit to and practice self-love but
today I'm going to share with you the
most important thing to do in order to
develop
[Music]
self-love first I'm going to tell you
the punchline the most important thing
to do in order to develop self-love is
to see hear feel understand recognize
the value of own and integrate the
aspects of yourself that you have
rejected and then to act in their best
interests instead of against them now
the you know that punchline I'm going to
explain as children we are relationally
dependent we depend completely upon our
closeness with the social group and this
relational dependence does not go away
as we get older it only somewhat
decreases if we perceive ourselves being
pushed away by someone like Mom or Dad
or siblings or peers as a result of some
aspect about us what we will do is we
will triangulate internally we will try
to reestablish the closeness with the
person who's pushing us Away by turning
against whatever they have pushed us
away for for example let's say that Mom
pushed us away because of our anger we
will immediately push away our own anger
we subconsciously disown deny and reject
it even if at face value we're violently
defending it but we can't do this push
away internal process physically we have
to do it within our own Consciousness
and we do so by creating a split in our
own Consciousness we essentially create
a fragmentation in our own being but
specifically a fragmentation where one
part of us is against another part of us
it is essentially practicing the
opposite of love it is pushing away it
is dis including it's rejecting it's
separating from and acting against the
best interest of that part of us when we
do this we feel the feeling of shame we
can then say that we are ashamed of our
anger we do not love this part of
ourselves if you want to understand more
about this you can watch my video that's
titled fragmentation the worldwide
disease the understanding of
fragmentation with within the self that
your Consciousness can separate into
different aspects that we may call
selves provides for us the most
straightforward conceptualization of
self-love To Love Yourself is to see
hear feel understand see the value of
and act in the best interest of and
include all parts of yourself to love is
to include something as a part of You by
doing so you see hear feel understand
and know it and because you have treated
it as a part of you you cannot actually
act against it without that harming you
which is why naturally the choice to
love carries with it the implication
that you act in the best interests
instead of against its best interests
said another way love is an instinctual
reaction or a conscious choice to pull
something closer to you and include it
as a part of you so self-love could be
seen as the act of pulling all parts of
yourself closer to you so as to include
them as a part of you and shame on the
other hand is an instinctual re action
to push yourself away from yourself
therefore shame could be seen as the
exact opposite of self-love if we
perceive ourselves to be pushed away
enough in our childhood that we either
have to push away many parts of
ourselves to be loved or could not find
a way to push enough of ourselves away
in order to be loved we will carry the
felt based experience of ourselves as
essentially bad broken defective wrong
undesirable at our core the emotions we
feel at that moment become embedded as
the feeling signature that is the
foundation of our entire self-concept
essentially our core self-concept is
that of shame we want to push ourselves
away at our core we hate ourselves the
foundation of hate though is hurt we can
only hate something we feel hurt by so
this must mean that the foundation of
self-hate is hurt right we only hate
ourselves when it feels like something
about us leads to a painful consequence
especially being pushed away by others
and or not getting a need that we
desperately need met the reason that
everyone has been failing with shame and
therefore most self-love techniques is
because most methodologies involving
overcoming shame and developing
self-love are aimed at trying to get a
person to see their worth and to see
their positive attributes they're
essentially aimed at trying to convince
a person who is ashamed of his or her
anger for example to see that he or she
is not not an angry
person this strategy only creates a
greater split within the person the
approach that we have to take to resolve
shame and therefore to develop self-love
is to completely reown and accept the
parts of ourselves that we have tried to
push away from ourselves owning your
shame is the first key to ending shame
when we have pushed away aspects of
ourselves we need to bring them back in
people are usually terrified that when
they reown parts of themselves and
instead of keep pushing them away that
they will become totally bad and totally
unlovable or line up with any of the
consequences they were trained they
would line up with as a result of that
undesirable aspect of themselves but if
you ever notice that it feels like you
can't overcome your problems no matter
how hard you try you can't overcome your
problems because you can't overcome
what's inside of yourself or part of
yourself right as soon as you identify
with something you see it as you from
that point forward to try to overcome
those things is to put one part of you
at war with another part Part of
Yourself the first solution to this is
exaltation the concept of exaltation is
actually an ancient Alchemy concept
simply put to exalt something is to
transform it into its highest spiritual
aspect I'll give you an example the old
Alchemists thought that the exalted form
of metal was gold if we are to live
better lives where we are not
continually made unhappy by our negative
personality traits we must take each
personality trait that we don't like and
first recognize it within ourselves we
must then accept it by both owning it
and finding a way to approve of it from
there we must find a way to amplify that
personality trait into its most in
alignment or exalted expression here is
an example of exaltation let's say that
someone is a master at mental chess they
play mind games with
people the highest aspect of this trait
what we would call the exalted aspect is
to play mind games with people that
benefit the people though this person
could become a brilliant counselor or
psychologist
they could outsmart other people's Egos
and help them to see things about
themselves that they are totally unaware
of or let's look at another example
maybe somebody's a bully what bullies do
is they push people the exalted form of
being a bully could be that they push
people to be their best if they Embrace
their forceful energy and use it in
situations where people could be
benefited by that Force right such as
when someone needs especially strong
encouragement bullies they establish
dominance within a social group The
exalted version of this dominance is
leadership if this person Embraces their
leadership ability and takes charge when
other people feel as if they need
direction they can rally people to
cooperating with one another in a
specific Direction anytime we love
something which is to bring it close and
included as a part of us instead of push
it away what happens is that we form a
connection with that thing when that
thing feels connected to us it can no
longer hurt us without hurting itself
and as a result its expression begins to
take on a form that benefits us instead
of hurts us one more reason why
connection is so incredibly important
exalting your negative personality
traits and problems is not about going
to war with yourself it is profoundly
self-hating and counterproductive to
want to rid yourself of these traits it
is resistant and whatever we resist
persists so the key is to find the
highest and best use for those so-called
negative
traits fall in love with what you hate
about yourself turn metal into gold on
an internal level so what I want you to
do first is describe yourself what
problems do you have what do you dislike
about yourself what do you feel are the
negative parts of your personality be
very honest about what traits you don't
like about yourself and even hate once
you have your list spend some serious
time thinking about what the highest and
best use of those traits could be what
is the positive exalted form of those
negative things next you want to try to
see the parts of you that you push away
from yourself as a different person or
being within you
this can be done in a very simple
visualization or meditation you can
close your eyes and ask to see the part
of you that you feel bad about allow
whatever appears to appear and then
address this inner self with compassion
I'll give you an example I like using
you may be ashamed of the fact that
you're a bully right we've been talking
about that before so you could close
your eyes and ask to see the part of you
that is a bully when you do this let's
say that the image of a monster that
looks like the Incredible Hulk might
appear you can then spend some time
observing that part of you and then
trying to relate to that part within you
your goal is to see hear feel understand
it right see the value in it I'm going
to give you a tip compassion naturally
arises as a result of relating to
someone's suffering therefore all you
have to do in order to feel compassion
for someone is to deliberately look at
how you relate to their pain so relative
to this exercise you have to
deliberately look at how you relate to
the pain that is belonging to this part
of you you have pushed away in the
example we're using the Hulk personality
within you how is your pain the same as
its Pain by the way this should be
pretty easy because it's part of you
right it's a result of the things you
yourself have gone through can you
identify with this pain looking back
over the course of your life when did
you experience pain that's similar to
what this Hulk aspect of you is feeling
try to remember what that felt like and
what you were thinking what did you
really need back then when you were in
that same kind of pain if you are
terrified of deliber really looking for
how you relate to someone even if that
is a Persona within you you need to ask
yourself why what bad thing do I think
will happen if I relate to this thing or
feel close to this thing that I've been
pushing away or I'm the same as this
thing that I've been pushing away using
this example you need to try to see into
this Persona this Hulk Persona that
we've been talking about feel into it
listen to it learn about it and
understand it completely what are its
needs and desires and why again you may
not be pushing away an aspect that's
like Hulk I'm just using an example the
next step is to compassionately
challenge the push away thoughts that
arise as a result of asking these
questions for example if you think a
thought towards an aspect that you've
pushed away like this part is going to
destroy people's lives I want you to get
into the mental space of philosophical
debate if you were a lawyer whose job it
was to prove that this part of you is
not going to destroy people's lives what
would your case be keep in mind that if
you would like can also involve other
people in this process so they can help
you to make a case for the parts of you
that you have pushed away because
sometimes other people have a lot less
resistance two aspects of us than we do
to take this practice even deeper you
can work directly with a part of you
that you do not love you can do this
using Parts work but specifically you do
this with each and every part of you
that you do not love as well as each and
every part to the opposite the part of
you that is not acting in a loving way
towards another part of you to
understand how to apply this process I
really encourage you to watch my video
that's titled Parts work what is Parts
work and how to do it the goal being to
change the perspective that you hold
inside of you toward the part of you
that you do not love and to reach
agreement on a new way of being that is
loving towards yourself so that you can
understand the most important thing to
do in order to develop self- Lov here is
an example Tuan was the first person in
her family to be born in the United
States her her family immigrated from
Vietnam to Orange County California and
it is here that she developed a lot of
her problems with herself it is here
that her struggle with self- love began
just to pick one of many things that
were to become a self-love issue Tu Yen
was a quiet and broody child and this
was not received well her peers called
her a weirdo and made fun of her
incessantly she desperately wanted
connection but no one wanted to be
friends with her the way she was over
time Tu Yen learned how to act like the
their kids acted how to be talkative and
bubbly and how to act happy she learned
to reject her Broody quiet self to push
it away the thing is it didn't go away
it was just something that she hid from
everyone when Tu Yen was in her mid 20s
as a result of a series of painful
relationships in which she did not feel
loved she became interested in the idea
of self-love as a part of this process
of trying to figure out how to love
herself she finally got that the
foundation of self- Lov was to practice
love toward the parts of her that she
disliked and hated so first she decided
to exalt the very things about her that
she pushed away starting with being
Broody and quiet she wrote a whole list
of things that were good about it things
like to be bruty you have to be mindful
I really dislike people who are not
mindful so I like that it makes me
Mindful and broody people are deep in
thought the people who I grew up around
were not deep thinkers and that is why
their lives are so void of meaning
because of my broodiness I can't avoid
having a life of deep meaning and
another one is broodiness means someone
can see and identify problems for Tu Yen
she's like oh wait I use the skill in my
job every day in fact my paycheck
depends on it and without it people
could get seriously hurt and I was
unhappy because the people around me
were doing so much unconsciously like
painful stuff to each other and to me
every day my broodiness was an
indication that I was affected by it if
I were to not be affected by it I would
have to be disconnected that would make
me part of the problem not part of the
solution tuen then did Parts work with
the Broody quiet part of her and the
part that opposed it what she found is
that the part of her that was quiet and
broody was a six-year-old version of
herself a child who embodied all of the
things that her peers in school rejected
her for not just the broodiness
ironically and that that part of her
that was rejecting that other Broody
part was was the image of an Orange
County Housewife this part of her didn't
even look Asian instead it looked like a
Caucasian woman whose identity and
values were an exact mirror of the
people in her peer group and what they
valued things like status wealth being
on top of the ladder of social hierarchy
Caucasian Beauty fun surface talk and
Trends and this part of her looked down
on pied ignored and rejected her other
part the one that was Broody and quiet
and Asian and had different interests
than everyone else did Etc tuen realized
that she had internalized her own
earliest
haters as a method of protecting herself
from their rejection and as a way of
ensuring her needs for inclusion and
connection and approval would be met
through the process that she did with
these two parts of herself tuen was able
to see that she never actually got
connection or
approval why because what people were
connecting with and approving of was a
facade not really her so at face value
it seemed to work but it actually made
things worse due to the awareness of the
damage that it was causing herself
self-hating
protector decided to repurpose itself
the cause of putting tuen in places and
around people whose worldview and
interests were compatible to tuan's core
Tuan was able to understand the part of
herself that she had not been loving
towards for over 20 years and developed
compassion and care towards it she was
able to admit ad MIT that this part of
her is in fact what is real about her
and she decided to act in its best
interests by designing a life according
to its values and needs this meant
spending less time with certain friends
this meant prioritizing her volunteer
efforts that she is super super
passionate about this entailed not
acting happy when she is not happy and
instead setting this very firm boundy
for herself that she will only develop
close relationships with the people in
her life that are able to meet her where
wherever she is emotionally this means
people who are able to be in a
relationship to what is real about her
at any given time it also meant seeking
out things that make her happy no matter
how unique or weird that they may be we
all know at some level that it's
important to love ourselves but when
people say all you have to do is love
yourself it's kind of like telling a
child in kindergarten that he or she has
to solve a college physics
equation like a bewildered child we have
no idea where to begin the answer is We
Begin by integrating the very things we
dislike about ourselves and the Very
things that we are trying to push
away have a good week
[Music]
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