What Happens When The Narcissist Realises You Have Figured Them Out?

Summary

This video script delves into the dynamics between individuals and narcissists, particularly when the latter realizes they've been understood. It outlines the various behaviors individuals may exhibit when unknowingly dealing with a narcissist, such as self-blame or attempts to please. The script explains that most narcissists are unaware of their condition, reacting with shock to accusations. It further discusses how changes in behavior, rather than mere accusations, signal to narcissists that they've been figured out, leading to escalated control tactics or disengagement.

Takeaways

• 😕 Many people don't initially recognize they're dealing with a narcissist, often misinterpreting the manipulation and abuse as part of a complex relationship dynamic.
• 🔍 The realization that someone is dealing with a narcissist often comes after a period of sustained devaluation, especially for intimate partners and primary sources.
• 🤔 Most narcissists are not self-aware and do not recognize their own behavior, so accusations of narcissism come as a shock and are typically met with denial.
• 🚫 Narcissists react to accusations with a defense mechanism, starting with denial, followed by other forms of manipulation if denial doesn't maintain control.
• 🧐 The true threat to a narcissist is not the accusation but the change in behavior from the accuser, which signals that they have figured out the narcissist's tactics.
• 🔄 If the accuser's behavior changes significantly, the narcissist may attempt to reassert control, using various tactics such as a 'golden period' of nice behavior to lure the accuser back into a controlled state.
• 🛑 For intimate partners or primary sources, a failure to reassert control through behavior modification can lead to disengagement by the narcissist, who may then seek to end the relationship.
• 📚 Understanding the narcissist's response to accusations and behavioral changes is crucial for those dealing with them, as it can help predict and navigate their reactions.
• 🔄 Secondary sources or those on the 'shelf' may experience being hoovered back into the narcissist's attention, only to be placed back on the shelf if they don't conform to the narcissist's desired behaviors.
• ⏳ Time and a change in approach can sometimes lead to a narcissist re-engaging with a previously disengaged individual, especially if the individual's behavior aligns with the narcissist's needs.

Q & A

What is the initial reaction of a narcissist when they are accused of being a narcissist?

The initial reaction of most narcissists, particularly lesser and mid-range ones, is denial. They do not realize they are narcissists and are shocked or taken aback by the accusation.

Do all narcissists know that they are narcissists?

No, the majority of narcissists, especially lesser and mid-range ones, do not know they are narcissists. They are unaware of their behavior and pathological disorder. Only greater or ultra narcissists are aware of what they are.

How do lesser or mid-range narcissists react when confronted with the accusation that they are a narcissist?

Lesser and mid-range narcissists typically react with denial. They do not consciously know what they are and may instinctively reject the accusation. They might also use manipulation tactics to regain control.

How does a greater or ultra narcissist react when someone figures out they are a narcissist?

A greater or ultra narcissist is aware of their narcissism and knows when someone has figured them out. They will still use denial as a first line of defense but may employ more sophisticated manipulations to maintain control.

What are the two main defenses that narcissists use when someone accuses them of being a narcissist?

The first defense is denial, where the narcissist rejects the accusation outright. The second defense is manipulation, where they employ various tactics such as projection, word salad, or even violence to nullify the threat to their control.

What happens if someone changes their behavior after realizing they are dealing with a narcissist?

The narcissist will instinctively sense something is wrong if the person's behavior changes. This threatens their control, and they may respond with increased devaluation or attempts to reassert control through positive or negative means.

How does a narcissist's control mechanism work if a person continues interacting with them after realizing the narcissist's true nature?

If the person continues interacting with the narcissist, even after realizing the truth, the narcissist will not face a major problem. They will address the initial accusation as a threat to control but continue extracting fuel and benefits as long as the person remains compliant.

What signals to a narcissist that someone has figured them out?

The main signal to a narcissist is a change in the other person's behavior. If they stop providing fuel, stop responding to manipulations, or change how they interact, the narcissist senses a threat to their control, even if they don’t consciously realize why.

What is the difference in response between a narcissist dealing with an intimate partner versus a secondary source who has figured them out?

For an intimate partner, the narcissist may intensify the devaluation or switch to a respite period to regain control. For a secondary source, the narcissist may place them on the shelf (ignore them) and revisit the relationship later when the narcissist needs something from them.

What happens if a narcissist fails to regain control after someone figures them out?

If the narcissist cannot regain control, particularly with an intimate partner primary source, they may resort to disengagement, essentially ending the relationship. For a secondary source, they may keep them on the shelf longer before attempting a hoover to reestablish control.