How to Build Your Well-Being to Thrive | Dr. Beth Cabrera | TEDxGeorgeMasonU

Summary

In this heartfelt talk, the speaker recounts a pivotal moment when her young son injured his eye, highlighting the importance of community support. Living in a close-knit neighborhood in Madrid, she underscores the profound impact of social connections on personal well-being. Drawing from psychological studies, she emphasizes that our focus on relationships, positivity, and the present moment significantly influences our happiness and health. The speaker encourages intentional social engagement, acts of kindness, and mindfulness as strategies to enhance well-being.

Takeaways

• 🏠 Living in a close-knit community, like the neighborhood outside Madrid, Spain, can have a significant positive impact on well-being.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Strong relationships with neighbors can provide essential support, especially during emergencies, as illustrated by the story of Alex's injury.
• 🤝 Social connections are crucial for well-being, as evidenced by a Harvard study showing that socially connected individuals are happier, healthier, and live longer.
• 🌱 The act of helping others and performing small acts of kindness can boost one's own well-being and happiness.
• 🧠 Our brains are wired to focus on the negative, but we can rewire them by intentionally focusing on positive aspects of life.
• 📝 Practicing gratitude, such as writing down three good things each day, can help shift focus towards positive experiences.
• 🚫 Complaining can be reduced by consciously redirecting attention to the aspects of life that bring joy and satisfaction.
• 🧘‍♀️ Mindfulness meditation can strengthen the ability to focus on the present moment, leading to reduced stress and increased well-being.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Engaging fully in the present moment, whether in work or leisure, can make experiences more enjoyable and fulfilling.
• ⏰ The choices we make about where to focus our attention throughout the day can significantly influence our well-being, emphasizing the importance of intentionality.

Q & A

What incident involving the son, Alex, prompted the mother to seek immediate help from a neighbor?

Alex, while watching TV, leaned forward and accidentally hit his eye on the corner of the coffee table, causing a deep cut that required stitches. The mother, without a car, rushed to a neighbor's house for help.

In which country did the family live in a close-knit community?

The family lived in a close-knit community in Spain, outside of Madrid.

What was the significance of the community's layout in fostering connections among neighbors?

The community consisted of eight townhouses with small yards opening onto a common yard and a pool, providing constant opportunities for interaction and connection among neighbors.

How did the author describe the impact of living in a close community on her well-being?

The author found that the relationships with her neighbors had a positive impact on her well-being, especially as she was a stressed mother of young children and a university professor in a foreign country.

What is the key factor for well-being according to the research mentioned in the script?

The key factor for well-being, as per the research, is relationships. Socially connected individuals tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer.

Why is it important to focus on the positive aspects of life for well-being?

Focusing on the positive aspects of life generates positive emotions, which reduce stress and anxiety, increase resilience, and improve physical health, thereby boosting overall well-being.

What is the 'three good things' exercise mentioned in the script, and how does it help in enhancing well-being?

The 'three good things' exercise involves writing down three positive events from the day before going to sleep. This practice directs attention towards the positive, strengthening neural circuits associated with positive experiences.

How does helping others impact one's happiness and health according to the script?

Helping others activates the brain region associated with pleasure and has been shown to increase happiness. It also contributes to better health, as giving is linked to positive outcomes like emotional stability and lower anxiety.

What is the significance of mindfulness meditation in improving well-being as discussed in the script?

Mindfulness meditation helps in improving well-being by strengthening the ability to focus on the present moment, which is linked to emotional stability, an enhanced immune system, and lower levels of anxiety and depression.

Why is it beneficial to do one thing at a time according to the script?

Doing one thing at a time allows for full engagement and presence in the task, which enhances enjoyment and satisfaction. It also helps in reducing stress and improving focus, contributing to a richer and happier life experience.

What lesson does the author wish to convey about the importance of being present with loved ones?

The author wishes to convey that being present with loved ones is crucial for creating cherished memories and experiences. She regrets not fully engaging with her children during their playtime and emphasizes the importance of focusing on the present moment with those we love.

Outlines

00:00

🏠 Community and Well-being

The speaker recounts an incident where their young son, Alex, injured his eye and required immediate medical attention. In a moment of panic, a neighbor named Ramona provided assistance, highlighting the importance of community. The speaker reflects on living in a close-knit neighborhood in Madrid, Spain, where neighbors frequently interacted and supported each other, contributing to a sense of well-being. Despite occasional disagreements and disturbances, the community's positive impact on the speaker's life as a stressed mother and academic was significant. The speaker, a psychologist, emphasizes that well-being is influenced by our social connections, citing studies that show happier, healthier, and longer-living individuals are those with strong social bonds. The narrative suggests that focusing on relationships can greatly enhance one's well-being.

05:02

🤝 Acts of Kindness and Their Impact

The narrative continues with examples of small acts of kindness within the community, such as helping neighbors with childcare, meals, and pet care, which not only assisted others but also increased the speaker's own sense of well-being. The speaker encourages finding opportunities to serve others, as these actions can be as simple as buying a friend coffee or helping a colleague. The speaker shares a personal anecdote of receiving help at a train station, which could have significantly impacted their travel plans, illustrating the power of small gestures. The speaker also discusses the benefits of allowing others to help you, giving them the 'gift of giving,' and how focusing on people and positive interactions can build well-being.

10:02

🌟 Focusing on the Positive and Reducing Negativity

The speaker admits to having previously focused on negative aspects of life, such as work stress and personal grievances, which detracted from the enjoyment of community interactions. They explain how dwelling on negativity can lead to chronic stress and reduced well-being. The speaker suggests shifting focus to positive aspects of life, as positive emotions can reduce stress and improve physical health. They introduce the concept of 'neural rewiring,' where focusing on positive experiences strengthens related brain circuits, making it easier to notice the good in life. The speaker recommends practices like the 'three good things' exercise and using complaints as a cue to redirect focus to positive aspects. The narrative emphasizes the importance of training the brain to focus on positivity.

15:05

🧘‍♀️ Mindfulness and Presence for Enhanced Well-being

The speaker discusses the detrimental effects of excessive worrying and rumination on well-being, suggesting that our internal dialogue can significantly impact happiness more than external circumstances. They propose mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and focusing on the present moment, to reduce stress and enhance well-being. The speaker shares personal regrets about not being fully present during moments with their children and encourages others to be mindful of their attention, engaging fully in experiences to enrich life. The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of moment-to-moment choices in shaping well-being, urging listeners to focus on people, positivity, and the present to thrive.

Keywords

💡Well-being

Well-being refers to the state of being comfortable, healthy, and happy. In the context of the video, well-being is central to the message, as the speaker discusses how our choices and focus can significantly impact our overall well-being. The video emphasizes that fostering relationships, helping others, and focusing on the positive are key factors that contribute to a person's well-being, as illustrated by the speaker's personal experiences and research findings.

💡Social Connection

Social connection denotes the relationships and interactions we have with others. The video underscores the importance of social connections for our well-being, citing a Harvard study that tracked the lives of men over 75 years, showing that those with more social connections were happier, healthier, and lived longer. The speaker's own experiences in a close-knit community in Madrid, Spain, exemplify how social connections can provide support and enhance one's quality of life.

💡Community

Community refers to a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common. The video describes the speaker's experience living in a tight-knit community where neighbors frequently interacted and helped each other. This sense of community is portrayed as having a positive impact on the speaker's well-being, providing opportunities for social interaction and support, which are crucial for happiness and health.

💡Focus

Focus in this context means the act of concentrating one's attention on something. The speaker discusses how our daily choices about where to focus our attention can influence our well-being. By choosing to focus on positive aspects of life, relationships, and the present moment, individuals can enhance their well-being. The video suggests that focusing on the good can rewire our brains to notice more positive elements, leading to reduced stress and increased happiness.

💡Positivity

Positivity is the quality of being positive or optimistic. The video stresses the importance of focusing on the positive aspects of life to boost well-being. The speaker shares that by consciously choosing to notice and appreciate the good things, individuals can train their brains to recognize positivity more readily, which in turn generates positive emotions and improves mental health.

💡Helping Others

Helping others refers to the act of assisting or supporting those in need. The video explains that helping others not only benefits the recipients but also has a positive impact on the helper's well-being. Brain scans show that thinking about helping others activates the brain's pleasure centers, and studies have shown that people who spend money on others experience greater happiness than those who spend it on themselves.

💡Negativity Bias

Negativity bias is a psychological tendency to focus more on negative events and emotions than positive ones. The video mentions this bias as a survival instinct that can lead to chronic stress and reduced well-being if not managed. The speaker suggests strategies to counteract this bias, such as focusing on the positive and practicing mindfulness, to improve well-being.

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment. The video suggests that mindfulness meditation can help strengthen the ability to focus and stay present, which is linked to improved emotional stability, a stronger immune system, and reduced anxiety and depression. The speaker encourages practicing mindfulness to enhance well-being by redirecting attention away from worries and towards the present.

💡Present Moment

The present moment refers to the current, immediate experience, without distraction or preoccupation with the past or future. The video highlights the importance of being present in our daily activities, such as spending time with loved ones, to enhance well-being. The speaker regrets not being fully present during moments with their children and encourages the audience to make a conscious effort to engage fully in their experiences.

💡Worry

Worry is the act of being anxious or troubled about something with an uncertain outcome. The video discusses how excessive worrying can detract from well-being. The speaker shares personal anecdotes of worrying about various aspects of life and suggests that recognizing when the mind wanders into worry and redirecting attention to the present or positive aspects can lead to greater happiness.

Highlights

A personal story of a child's accident and the importance of community support.

Description of a close-knit neighborhood in Madrid, Spain, and its impact on well-being.

The significance of social connections for happiness, health, and longevity according to a Harvard study.

The current state of social disconnection and its effects on well-being.

Practical advice on building social connections to enhance well-being.

The psychological benefits of helping others and its impact on happiness.

Examples of small acts of kindness that can improve one's well-being.

The importance of focusing on the positive to build well-being.

How dwelling on the negative can lead to chronic stress and its effects on well-being.

The concept of 'negativity bias' and its influence on our perception of well-being.

The brain's plasticity and how focusing on the positive can rewire it for happiness.

The 'three good things' exercise as a method to cultivate a positive focus.

The role of complaining as a trigger to redirect attention to positive aspects.

The impact of worrying on well-being and strategies to stay present.

Mindfulness meditation as a tool to enhance focus and well-being.

The value of being present in daily activities to improve happiness.

A final reflection on the importance of presence and connection in enhancing life's experiences.

Transcripts

one Saturday morning years ago our son

Alex who was about four years old at the

time was on the sofa watching TV he was

on his knees and at some point he leaned

forward put his hands on the coffee

table

I imagined Thomas the Tank Engine or Bob

the Builder was facing some dangerous

situation but there was a thin book on

the edge of the table and as he landed

the book slid off and Alex went down

with it hitting the corner of his eye on

the table he had a really deep cut and I

was pretty sure he needed stitches I

panicked for a moment my husband was out

of town and I didn't have a car because

it was being serviced but I ended up

racing out the back of our house with

Alex and our two-year-old daughter into

the first open door I saw I rushed in

and I said Ramona I need you to take

Emily and give me your car keys so I can

get Alex to the emergency room thank

goodness she was there to help at the

time we lived in a neighborhood outside

of Madrid Spain it was a community of

eight townhouses there were four on each

side with small yards that opened onto a

common yard in a pool now this provided

constant opportunities for connection we

would see our neighbors as we were

coming and going and share what we were

up to we would organize get-togethers

like potluck dinners in the summertime I

remember the most memorable one was

actually when when the sprinklers went

off in the middle of our dinner and you

should have seen us all scrambling to

save the food our children were always

in one of the neighbours houses or

sometimes just chilling in the yard now

I do have to admit that living in such

close proximity to others can have its

downsides we didn't always agree on what

needed to be done for the upkeep of the

yard or the pool the neighbors dog

barking right outside my bedroom window

on a Saturday morning did not make me

very happy

and I'm still not sure why Ramona

thought getting a rooster would be a

good idea but for the most part it was

wonderful I realize now the positive

impact living in such a closed community

had on my well-being as the mother

young children struggling to earn tenure

in a university in a foreign country I

was pretty stressed out a lot of the

time the relationships that I had with

with my neighbors really made all the

difference

as a psychologist several years ago I

became interested in the study of

well-being and what I've learned is that

much of our well-being is up to us it

depends on what we pay attention to what

we focus on and at each moment of the

day we have a choice about where to

focus so what should we be focusing on

well research shows that relationships

are the most important factor for our

well-being a well-known Harvard study of

adult development that tracked over 700

men for 75 years found that those who

were more socially connected were

happier healthier and live longer

another study showed that when you asked

somebody what gives their lives meaning

the overwhelming response is a

relationship people matter for our

well-being but we're less connected

socially than we ever have been we spend

less time with our family and friends

we're less likely to know our neighbors

and we belong to fewer organizations one

in three American adults forty five

years or older say that they're lonely

and in a survey that asked how many

people are there in your life with whom

you can discuss important matters the

overwhelming response was zero

most people said there's not a single

person in their lives who they feel

close enough to to share something

important with connecting with others

does take time and effort but your

well-being depends on it so be

intentional about connecting with people

schedule dinners with friends join book

clubs don't eat lunch alone at your desk

and the next time you move remember that

your happiness depends more on having

nice neighbors or friends nearby

does on the size of your house

connecting with others boosts your

well-being but helping people has an

even stronger impact giving is good for

your health and your happiness brain

scans show that when we think about

helping others the region of the brain

associated with pleasure is activated

and in studies where people are given

money and some are asked to spend it on

others and some are asked to spend it on

themselves the people who spend money on

others are happier now living so close

to our neighbors in Madrid provided lots

of opportunities for us to help one

another out like when Ramona watched

Emily and let me her car if Kristen had

to work late I'd make dinner for her

daughter Emma

when mati grew thin Jose were out of

town I'd water their plants and watch

their cat feed their cat there were

small things but it really made me feel

better to know that I was making a

difference there are countless

opportunities each day to do small acts

of kindness I still remember a few years

ago racing to catch a train in the San

Francisco metro station dragging my

suitcase behind me a man stopped me to

ask if I was heading to the airport and

when I said I was he said the train I

was about to board was not stopping at

the airport I needed to wait for the

next train it was such a small thing for

him to do but I probably would have

missed my flight if I had taken the

wrong train

look for ways that you can serve others

help someone out at work buy coffee for

a friend and the next time someone wants

to help you let them give them the gift

of giving at each moment in the day you

have a choice

builds your well-being by choosing to

focus on people now looking back at my

time in Spain I realize how fortunate I

was to live in such a tight-knit

community the happiness and opportunity

to serve others that that those

relationships provided really increased

my well-being but I did some things that

weren't so great for my well-being when

I was hanging out with my neighbors I'd

spent a lot of the time come

cleaning I would go over to roses at the

end of the long day to have a Konya

which is a small beer and some tapas and

as we watch the kids playing in the yard

I would talk about all the exams I had

to grade and how much I hated it

I would moan about the fact that my

daughter's COFF it kept me awake all

night long I'd complain that my husband

wasn't around enough to help me out with

the kids there was always something and

it was mostly negative you know I

thought sharing my frustrations would

make me feel better but dwelling on the

problems just brought negative emotions

to what should have been a wonderful

moment of connection I now know how much

happier I would have been if I had

focused on the positive

I could have noticed the bright yellow

daffodils that had just started to bloom

or commented on how nice it was that the

weather was finally warm enough for us

to sit outside I could have asked

roasted to tell me about that exciting

new project at work we all have a

natural tendency to dwell on the

negative our brains have a survival

instinct that keeps us constantly on the

lookout for problems or potential

threats but that can lead to chronic

stress that hurts our well-being when we

focus on what's good in our lives that

generates positive emotions and positive

emotions boost our well-being by

reducing stress and anxiety increasing

resilience and improving our physical

health

now our negativity bias makes it more

likely that we noticed the bad but we

have a choice about what we pay

attention to

we can choose to focus on the positive

research and neuroscience shows that our

brains change in response to our

experiences so when you focus on the

positive each time you do that the

neural circuits in your brain associated

with positive experiences fire together

and each time they fire together those

neural connections become stronger which

means they're more likely to fire

together in the future so by focusing on

the good you can rewire your brain so

that over time it naturally notices more

of what's good

you know the same thing happens in your

brain when you learn to play a musical

instrument or or a sport playing the

piano is a good example the first time

you try to play your brain has to work

really hard to read the notes and find

them on the keys and move your fingers

in the right order to the right notes

but each time you practice the neural

pathways in your brain associated with

reading the music and playing the notes

fire over and over again that makes it

eventually automatic so that eventually

you can play more and more difficult

music now a simple intervention for

focusing more on the positive is the

three good things exercise all you have

to do is write down three things that

went well

during the day before going to sleep at

night doing this exercise each night

pushes your brain to look for good

things throughout the day it helps

direct your attention toward the

positive something else you can do is to

use complaining as a reminder to

redirect your attention I mentioned how

much I hate grading exams I imagine most

professors would agree with me that it's

not the best part of our jobs but

focusing on how much I hated it just

made an unpleasant task even worse so

when I'd start to complain I'd tell

myself to stop and I'd shift my

attention to all the things I loved

about being a professor I'd make a

mental list of how much I enjoyed

teaching my classes discovering

something through my research

interacting with my colleagues and

students I had a choice about which

parts of my job to pay attention to so

do you at each moment you have a choice

build your well-being by choosing to

focus on the positive now something else

I did that hurt my well-being was to

spend so much of my time worrying just

as there was always something to

complain about well there was always

something to worry about

I can't tell you how creative I can be

in coming up with different ways that

things can go wrong

a simple plan to shop at IKEA the next

day can keep me awake at night I mean

DIY projects in

household can be a disaster but it turns

out that I'm not the only one who wastes

a lot of time worrying or ruminating

Harvard researchers found that on

average our brain our minds wander 47%

of the time that means about half of you

are not listening to what I'm saying

right now but what's more interesting is

the study showed that we're less happy

when our minds wander dwelling on bad

things that have happened in the past or

fretting about something that might go

wrong in the future is the source of

much of our unhappiness our internal

world can have a bigger impact on our

well-being than our external

circumstances but you can try to

minimize these stressful thoughts by

directing your attention away from

things like fear and regret and focusing

instead on the present moment ok now I

know what you're thinking stopping all

the worry and rumination is a lot easier

said than done believe me is one of the

world's biggest warriors I know the

first step is just to recognize that you

will be happier if you spend more time

focused on the present moment set an

intention to stay present and you will

start noticing when your mind has

wandered off or you've become distracted

by your phone and you can shift your

awareness back to the moment just like

focusing on the positive the more you

practice redirecting your attention the

more those neural circuits associated

with focused attention fire and the

stronger they become what you practice

grows stronger that's why the very best

way to strengthen your attention muscle

is through mindfulness meditation the

process of focusing your attention on

something like your breath and bringing

it back each time your mind wanders even

for a few minutes a day builds your

ability to stay focused and meditation

has other benefits too it's been linked

to emotional stability

an enhanced immune system and lower

levels of anxiety and depression

another way to stay present

is to do one thing at a time it's the

only way to really focus on something so

when you're talking to someone put away

your phone and really listen to what

they're saying if you're writing a

report turn off your email and social

media so that you can give it your

undivided attention and when you're

preparing dinner pay attention to the

process of cooking especially when

you're chopping something we enjoy even

mundane tasks more when we're truly

present our lives are richer and happier

when we fully engage in our experiences

at each moment you have a choice build

your well-being by focusing on the

present moment I'd like to end with one

more story in my of my time living in

the suburbs of Madrid on most days when

I got home from work I'd take the kids

to the park down the street they would

run off and play with their friends

while I sat on a bench my highlighter in

hand reading the latest article on

knowledge sharing or whatever subject I

happen to be researching at the time now

I did look up occasionally to make sure

that they were okay but that was it and

this is before we had smartphones if I

could do it over again I would take that

time to disconnect from work and enjoy

being with my children I'd push them in

the swing and I would cheer as they went

down the slide

I'd be present for those moments those

precious moments with the people I love

most dearly I'll never have those

moments back the choices you make moment

to moment throughout the day about what

you pay attention to impact your well

being choose to focus on people choose

to focus on the positive choose to focus

on the present moment and you will

thrive thank you

[Applause]