How MEN MESS UP new relationships: learning to tolerate insecurity

Summary

In this insightful talk, Dr. Orion Taraban explores the common issue of men inadvertently disrupting new relationships. Drawing on developmental psychology, Taraban explains the 'reproachment stage' in toddlers as a parallel to the early stages of courtship, highlighting the importance of allowing for periods of separation and uncertainty. He advises men to tolerate their own distress when not in contact with a woman, trusting the process rather than rushing to secure commitment or reassurance. This approach, he suggests, fosters the necessary conditions for a woman to miss and wonder about a man, motivating her to seek further interaction and ultimately strengthening the relationship.

Takeaways

• 📚 Men often prematurely end promising relationships due to misunderstanding the early stages of courtship.
• 🌱 Developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler's 'reproachment stage' explains the balance between independence and security-seeking in toddlers, which parallels early relationship dynamics.
• 🔄 The reproachment stage involves a back-and-forth dynamic of exploration and returning to a secure base, akin to the early phases of a relationship.
• 🚫 Men may disrupt this natural rhythm by either rushing commitment or decreasing the time between interactions, which can be detrimental to the relationship.
• 💔 Most women desire commitment but want to feel they are choosing to enter a relationship rather than feeling trapped.
• 🤔 Men should tolerate their own distress when a woman is not in contact and trust the process of the relationship's natural ebb and flow.
• 🌟 Anxiety and uncertainty in a relationship can be beneficial as they motivate the woman to seek reassurance and confirmation, leading to further interaction.
• 💬 Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon, as it removes the uncertainty that drives a woman to seek clarity and re-establish contact.
• 🔄 The separation and the resulting uncertainty create the conditions necessary for a meaningful reunion in a relationship.
• 💌 After intimate moments, a woman should experience a moment of doubt, wondering about the nature of the encounter, which can lead to further engagement.
• 📈 Patience and allowing the natural progression of emotions and interactions are key to navigating the early stages of a relationship successfully.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk?

The main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk is how men often mess up new relationships and what they can do to avoid the premature termination of promising relationships.

What is the reproachment stage as described by Margaret Mahler?

The reproachment stage, as described by developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler, is a phase that all children go through between 18 months and 2.5 years of age. During this stage, toddlers explore their environment while periodically returning to their caregiver for reassurance and security.

How does the early courtship process in adults relate to the reproachment stage?

The early courtship process in adults relates to the reproachment stage in that it involves alternating periods of togetherness and separateness, similar to how toddlers explore and return to their caregiver for reassurance.

What common mistakes do men make during the early stages of a relationship?

Men often make the mistake of trying to collapse the natural rhythm of interaction in a new relationship, either by pressuring the woman for a quick commitment or by reducing the time between interactions, which can jeopardize the budding relationship.

Why is it important for men to tolerate their own distress in a new relationship?

It is important for men to tolerate their own distress because this allows the relationship to develop naturally, giving the woman the space to miss them and wonder about their feelings, which can motivate her to seek further interaction and clarification.

What should men avoid doing in the early stages of dating?

Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon or providing reassurance without actual interaction, as this can eliminate the uncertainty and motivation for the woman to seek further contact and clarification of the relationship's status.

How does the feeling of uncertainty benefit the courtship process?

Uncertainty and instability can be beneficial in the courtship process because they create an emotional motivation for the woman to return and seek clarification, thus fostering further interaction and development of the relationship.

What is the significance of giving people the 'gift of your absence'?

Giving people the 'gift of your absence' is significant because it creates the necessary conditions for a reunion. It allows the other person to miss you and wonder about your feelings, which can motivate them to initiate contact and interaction.

Why should men not rush to provide reassurance to the woman they are dating?

Men should not rush to provide reassurance because doing so can make the act of reunion unnecessary and redundant. It reduces the opportunity for the woman to feel uncertain and motivated to seek clarification, which is essential for the natural progression of the relationship.

What advice does Dr. Orion Taraban give to men who are unsure about how to handle the early stages of a relationship?

Dr. Orion Taraban advises men to trust the process, tolerate their own distress, and give the woman the space to miss them and wonder about their feelings. He suggests that men should avoid rushing to provide reassurance or clarity, allowing the natural dynamics of the relationship to unfold.