Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen - A Visual Summary
Summary
TLDRIn this video, the importance of effectively receiving feedback is discussed, drawing insights from Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen's book 'Thanks for the Feedback.' The script outlines strategies to manage emotional responses to feedback, categorizes feedback into coaching, evaluation, and appreciation, and addresses common pitfalls like 'switch tracking.' It also emphasizes the value of setting boundaries and the significance of one's response to feedback, suggesting techniques to enhance self-awareness and improve feedback interactions.
Takeaways
- 😟 Feedback can trigger unpleasant emotions due to uncertainty and the potential for negative comments.
- 🔍 The book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen focuses on improving the reception of feedback rather than giving it.
- 🤔 Three emotional response categories to feedback are identified: truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers.
- 🚫 Truth triggers occur when one feels the feedback content is incorrect or unjust.
- 👥 Relationship triggers are linked to one's perception and feelings towards the feedback giver.
- 🆔 Identity triggers challenge an individual's sense of self.
- 🗣️ Awareness of one's emotional responses to feedback is crucial for effective communication.
- 📈 Feedback can be categorized as coaching (for learning), evaluation (for assessment), or appreciation (positive recognition).
- 🔁 'Cross transactions' can happen, where the type of feedback received does not match the type desired.
- 🪞 The concept of 'mirrors' in feedback is introduced, with supportive and honest mirrors being two useful perspectives.
- 🔄 Blind spots in feedback can be reduced by discussing intentions and impacts separately.
- 🚦 'Switch tracking' is a pitfall in feedback conversations where the discussion veers off-topic; staying on track is essential.
- 🌐 A systems view of relationships can help in understanding how individual and collective perspectives shape feedback dynamics.
- 🧠 Understanding one's typical response to feedback through a 'well-being curve' can aid in self-awareness and improvement.
- 🛑 Establishing boundaries for feedback is important for maintaining emotional health and setting clear expectations in relationships.
Q & A
What is the main focus of the book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen?
-The main focus of the book 'Thanks for the Feedback' is on how to receive feedback well, rather than giving feedback.
What are the three categories of emotional reactions to feedback identified by the authors?
-The three categories of emotional reactions are truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers.
What are truth triggers in the context of receiving feedback?
-Truth triggers are gut reactions where one feels that the content of the feedback received is not true or incorrect.
How do relationship triggers affect one's response to feedback?
-Relationship triggers are influenced by one's relationship with the giver of feedback, including beliefs about the giver and feelings about how one is treated.
What do identity triggers challenge in the context of feedback?
-Identity triggers challenge one's sense of self and can evoke strong emotional responses when one's core identity is perceived as being questioned.
What are the three types of feedback discussed in the book?
-The three types of feedback are coaching, evaluation, and appreciation.
What is a cross transaction in the context of feedback?
-A cross transaction occurs when there is a mismatch between the type of feedback one expects and the type one receives, such as wanting coaching but only receiving evaluation.
What is the purpose of discussing 'mirrors' in feedback conversations?
-Discussing 'mirrors' refers to the type of reflection the feedback giver provides, either a supportive or an honest mirror, to help the receiver understand the situation as seen by the giver.
How can one address the gap between one's understanding and another person's in feedback conversations?
-One can address the gap by discussing intentions and impact separately, recognizing that both are relevant but distinct aspects of the feedback.
What is switch tracking in feedback conversations?
-Switch tracking is when a person in a feedback conversation intentionally or unintentionally changes the direction of the conversation to avoid addressing the original feedback.
What is the three-step back approach suggested by the authors for understanding relationship dynamics in feedback?
-The three-step back approach involves identifying the intersection of personal tendencies, examining the roles each person plays in the relationship, and looking at the broader context including other players and environmental factors.
How can one respond to feedback in a way that is beneficial for both personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships?
-One can respond to feedback by understanding their typical response pattern, setting boundaries, and giving oneself a second score that reflects how they handle the feedback, rather than just the feedback itself.
Why is it important to establish boundaries when receiving feedback?
-Establishing boundaries is important to protect one's emotional well-being and to maintain healthy relationships by controlling who is allowed to provide feedback and on what topics.
Outlines
🔍 Understanding Feedback and Emotional Responses
This paragraph introduces the concept of feedback and its impact on our emotions. It acknowledges the discomfort that often accompanies receiving feedback and the uncertainty or negativity associated with it. The paragraph highlights the book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, which focuses on improving our ability to receive feedback effectively. The authors categorize emotional reactions to feedback into three types: truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers. Truth triggers are gut reactions to feedback perceived as untrue, relationship triggers involve the dynamics with the feedback giver, and identity triggers challenge one's sense of self. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing these emotional responses to engage more skillfully in feedback conversations.
🗣️ Navigating Feedback Conversations
Paragraph two delves into the complexities of feedback conversations, particularly in work environments and personal relationships. It discusses the three types of feedback: coaching, evaluation, and appreciation, and the potential for 'cross transactions' where the type of feedback received does not align with what is needed or desired. The paragraph introduces the concept of 'mirrors' in feedback, differentiating between a supportive mirror that encourages and an honest mirror that reflects the situation as seen by the giver. It also touches on the importance of recognizing blind spots in self-perception and the need for a holistic view of situations. The paragraph suggests techniques for maintaining focus in feedback conversations, such as 'sign posting' to keep the discussion on track and the value of a systems view in understanding relationship dynamics.
🌟 Embracing Feedback for Personal Growth
The final paragraph emphasizes the personal impact of feedback and the strategies for responding to it effectively. It discusses the concept of an 'emotional acre' and the importance of setting boundaries for one's emotional well-being. The paragraph suggests sketching a 'well-being curve' to understand individual responses to feedback and encourages self-reflection on how feedback affects one's sense of well-being. It introduces the idea of giving oneself a 'second score' that reflects not just the feedback received but also one's reaction to it. The paragraph concludes with a call to action for viewers to explore the book further for more insights and strategies on handling feedback and to consider learning visual note-taking skills for better idea comprehension.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Feedback
💡Truth Triggers
💡Relationship Triggers
💡Identity Triggers
💡Coaching
💡Evaluation
💡Appreciation
💡Supportive Mirror
💡Honest Mirror
💡Blind Spot Amplifiers
💡Well-being Curve
Highlights
Feedback is an undeniable component of life.
The book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen focuses on receiving feedback well.
Emotional reactions to feedback can be categorized into truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers.
Truth triggers are gut reactions when feedback feels untrue.
Relationship triggers involve the dynamics and feelings towards the feedback giver.
Identity triggers challenge one's sense of self.
Awareness of emotional responses is key to engaging skillfully in feedback conversations.
Feedback types include coaching, evaluation, and appreciation.
Cross transactions occur when the type of feedback received doesn't match the type desired.
The concept of 'mirrors' in feedback involves supportive versus honest reflections.
Blind spots in feedback can be amplified by focusing on impact versus intent.
Switch tracking is a pitfall where conversations veer off-topic in feedback discussions.
Meta-conversation involves maintaining perspective and staying on track in feedback dialogues.
Identifying the relationship system is crucial for understanding feedback within a relationship context.
Learning how one's temperament affects feedback response is essential for personal growth.
The well-being curve helps understand individual responses to positive and negative feedback.
Dismantling distortions involves giving oneself a second score on how feedback is handled.
Setting boundaries for feedback is important for emotional well-being and maintaining healthy relationships.
The book encourages selective openness to feedback by using the concept of an 'emotional acre'.
Establishing feedback boundaries can be done with appreciation and firmness, using 'and' instead of 'but'.
The author's personal experiences highlight the importance of responding well to feedback in various life aspects.
Transcripts
How well do you respond to feedback? If you're like me (and perhaps most people),
the mere concept of getting feedback immediately starts to bubble up some not-so-pleasant emotions.
That could be because of the uncertainty around what that feedback might be. It could be because
of the assumption that at least some of that will be negative feedback. But no matter how you
currently think about and respond to feedback, it's undeniable that feedback itself is a huge
component of life. And in the book Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen help
us get better at receiving it. This is a book not about giving feedback, but receiving it well. And
in this video I'd like to sketch out some of the ideas that stood out to me from that book. When
it comes to those emotional reactions that you might have in response to any piece of feedback,
the authors identify these three helpful categories. The first they call truth triggers.
This is that gut reaction that you have when you feel like the content of whatever feedback you
receive simply isn't true. It's wrong. And maybe you feel wronged in response. The second category
is relationship triggers, and these responses have to do with the relationship that you have to the
giver of feedback. The feedback is colored by what you believe about the giver or how you feel
treated by the giver, as well as what you feel about the relationship between the two of you. And
the third category is identity triggers. These hit at your sense of who you are, and they challenge
it. What I found helpful about this breakdown is that it gets you to start thinking about,
and even feeling into, your emotional responses to feedback, to perhaps identify why it is you have
the particular emotional response that's cropping up. Is something you believe being challenged? Is
there something about the relationship that feels a bit messy? Or is there some piece of your core
identity that's being challenged? So ramping up your awareness of how you respond to feedback
I think is one of the first steps in achieving the goal of this book, which is simply to engage
skillfully in the conversation. These triggers are obstacles that get in the way of that. In addition
to being aware of your emotional response, it's also helpful to examine what type of feedback
you're actually receiving. Here we find another trio of coaching as one category of feedback,
where the purpose is to help someone learn, grow, or change. Evaluation is the second
category of feedback, which involves some sort of assessment or ranking or letting you know where
you stand. And the third category of feedback is appreciation: saying "thank you," "I see
you," and "I know how hard you're working." One difficulty that can arise in any sort of situation
that involves giving and receiving feedback (think perhaps about your work environment - your boss,
your co-workers) - it's easy for what the authors call cross transactions to take place,
where perhaps what you want is coaching but the only thing you're getting is evaluation.
Or maybe the other way around - you don't really feel like you want coaching right now,
you first just need to know where you stand. So similar to how those three categories of
triggers help you identify why you're maybe responding to feedback in the way that you are,
these three categories of feedback help you to see first of all how general the term feedback is,
and also maybe identify what it is that you're not getting but you need. Is there a healthy balance
of these three types of feedback? One way you might get to that balance is having a conversation
about mirrors - the type of mirror that the feedback giver might hold up. The authors compare
a supportive mirror, where the feedback generally has this tone of encouragement and support,
versus an honest mirror, where the feedback giver is encouraged to describe the situation
exactly as they see it. Both of these mirrors are useful. As the receiver, sometimes you need that
supportive mirror. Other times, it's that honest mirror that's going to give you the feedback
you need to take certain steps forward in your life. But as the giver it's pretty hard to jump
to that honest mirror, so having a conversation about it and maybe even as the receiver giving the
giver permission to be an honest mirror is worth doing sometimes. Another component of feedback
conversations (as you think about some past set of actions or interactions) is how big of a gap there
potentially is between your understanding of that situation and the other person's,
how there can be blind spots between how you see yourself and how others see you. And the authors
identify a handful of blind spot amplifiers, one of which is impact versus intent. We tend to judge
ourselves based on our intentions. Other people tend to judge us by our impact. Both are relevant.
Both are important. But they are separate things, which is why the authors suggest that you talk
about each individually. Have a conversation about intentions and then have a conversation
about impact. That can help both parties get a more holistic view of the situation. One common
pitfall of feedback conversations looks something like this. One person takes the conversation down
a particular track. An example they give is a man who buys his wife roses, despite the fact
that on multiple occasions she has stated that she doesn't like nor does she want to receive roses,
with the feedback being "you don't listen to me." Instead of addressing that feedback the husband
tries to take it in a different direction, saying "You don't appreciate me. Look I just
got you flowers." that's an example of switch tracking, where one person in the conversation
intentionally or unintentionally veers off in a new direction. The suggestion here is
to maintain kind of a high-level perspective of the conversation. Notice when it starts to veer
off in a new direction and use sign posting to say something like "Okay, I hear you bringing up this
topic here, which I do want to address, but first let's finish this discussion about the topic we
started with." And that type of meta-conversation is probably one of the hardest thing things to do
in a feedback conversation, but also one of the most valuable - paying attention to the different
threads of the conversation and making sure you don't get off track. Anytime a relationship is
part of the feedback dynamic, those threads can get even more intertwined, not just the
threads of the conversation but also the wider threads of the relationship itself. And here the
authors suggest that you identify the relationship system, recognizing that each of you *are* part of
the problem and each of you only *sees* part of the problem. They suggest this three-step back
approach, where first you identify the you-and-me intersections - how are each of your personalities
or tendencies playing off of each other. Then a second step back to look at the roles that you
each play in the relationship. And then a third step back to look at the big picture - who are
the other players, what are the other processes, what's the role of the environment? Having that
type of systems view of a relationship is one of those things, like intentions and impact,
that helps you get a more holistic view of the situation, and help you see together how you'd
like to move forward. When it comes to identity triggers, the authors encourage you to learn how
your wiring and temperament affect your story. One way you can do that is to sketch out this
well-being curve for yourself by thinking about how you typically respond to feedback,
understanding that you'll have some baseline to your overall sense of well-being that will
increase in response to positive feedback but decrease in response to negative feedback, and
how it's worth paying attention to the duration of that bump of well-being or dip in well-being
(and it's likely that the dip will last longer than the bump), as well as how big that swing up
and the swing down is. That's a way of getting to know your typical response pattern, which I
think can be helpful both for you individually to recognize that that's how you respond to feedback,
and it might also be worth bringing up in your important relationships so that they know how
you respond to feedback, recognizing that your current response pattern isn't fixed. There's a
whole chapter on dismantling distortions, those ways in which you exaggerate feedback in a way
that makes the dip lower and longer than it maybe needs to be. One technique within that
realm is this concept of giving yourself a second score. The first score is the feedback itself,
on your latest work project, on how you handled that challenging situation at home, and it might
not be great. The second score, which the authors encourage you to pay just as much attention to,
is how you respond to that feedback. Do you reject the feedback outright, or do you explore it,
explore what it brings up in you, explore the broader situation to understand how truthful the
feedback is? The first score is something that you can't control. The second one you can, at least in
part, so make that second score that you give yourself a part of your identity, as opposed to
the first score. And as much as this book is about receiving feedback well, it's not about letting
every single person into your emotional life and allowing them to do whatever they want. Here they
bring in an idea from Anne Lamott, that we're each born with an emotional acre, and you get to
choose who to let in, and that you can in fact set boundaries around that space. And how establishing
limits on the feedback you get is crucial both to your own well-being and to the well-being of
the relationship. Some examples they give of what those boundaries might sound like: "I may not take
your advice" or "I don't want feedback about that subject, not right now" or even going so far as
"Stop or I'm gonna leave this relationship." And in the setting of any particular boundary, there
is the opportunity to both show appreciation to the feedback giver (as appropriate) and being firm
in the boundary you set. And they specifically encourage to use the word "and" as opposed to
"but" so that you get both of those things across. "I appreciate your concern *and* I'm choosing to
do things this way." As I look at these ideas here and think about the decade or so that I've been
putting my creative work out on YouTube, the three years that I've been married, the year and a half
that I've been a dad, it's so easy to see how big of a role my response to feedback has in my life.
And I think this book has made a big difference in helping me respond well to feedback. There
are a whole lot of ideas and strategies that I didn't have the space to explore here, so if
you've enjoyed what I've shared I encourage you to go pick up the book yourself. And if you enjoy
this visual way of working with ideas, that's the skill that I teach at www.verbaltovisual.com. So
if you'd like to learn how to sketch out the ideas in the next book you read, go check out those
resources. And if you're not already, subscribe here on YouTube to see some more sketched goodness
of whatever books I dig into next. Thank you so much for watching. Talk to you again soon.
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