Simon Sinek & Trevor Noah on Friendship, Loneliness, Vulnerability, and More | Full Conversation

Summary

In a heartfelt conversation, the speakers delve into the profound importance of friendship, its impact on mental health, and how it can serve as a 'biohack' against issues like stress, depression, and addiction. They discuss the lack of emphasis on cultivating friendships in a world obsessed with self-improvement and leadership. The dialogue underscores the need for leaders to prioritize friendships and set an example, as well as the societal shift placing undue expectations on romantic relationships due to the neglect of friendships. The talk concludes with a powerful Zulu saying, highlighting that an individual's identity is enriched by their community.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The conversation emphasizes the importance of friendship, which is often overlooked in our pursuit of success and personal development.
• 🧠 The speaker admires Simon for his thought-provoking ideas and his ability to challenge conventional thinking, referring to him as one of the greatest thinkers of our generation.
• 🔄 Passion is described as an output rather than an input, often stemming from an obsession with something that one becomes deeply involved in.
• 🌐 The discussion points out the lack of resources and industries dedicated to teaching and improving the art of friendship, despite its significant impact on mental health.
• 💔 The sacrifices made for career success often come at the expense of friendships, which are crucial during personal struggles and low points.
• 🤝 The power of saying 'I love you' to friends can significantly change and deepen relationships, making people feel seen, understood, and supported.
• 🌱 The analogy of rats in a cage is used to illustrate how social connections can prevent addiction, suggesting that strong friendships might reduce susceptibility to various forms of addiction.
• 🌐 The conversation suggests that teaching children how to be friends could be a powerful tool against addiction and loneliness in a technology-driven world.
• 🏝️ The speaker shares personal experiences of nurturing friendships through deliberate and meaningful activities, like traveling and creating shared experiences with friends.
• 💼 The script highlights the need for leaders to prioritize and model the importance of friendship, as it can influence the culture and priorities of their organizations and followers.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the conversation between the two speakers?

The main theme of the conversation is the importance and impact of friendship in people's lives, including its role in mental health, personal growth, and societal connections.

Why does the speaker mention the rat experiment in relation to friendship?

The speaker mentions the rat experiment to illustrate how social animals like rats, and by extension humans, can avoid addiction and mental health issues when they have strong social connections and friendships.

What does the speaker suggest about the role of friendship in combating addiction?

The speaker suggests that friendship can act as a 'biohack' to help combat addiction by providing social support and a sense of belonging, which can reduce the likelihood of turning to addictive substances or behaviors for comfort.

How does the speaker feel about the current state of friendships among high performers?

The speaker feels that high performers often have lopsided sacrifices in their friendships due to their intense focus on career and success, which can lead to a lack of a strong social network later in life.

What does the speaker mean when they say 'uranium enriched friendships'?

The speaker uses the term 'uranium enriched friendships' to emphasize the importance of putting effort and value into making friendships strong and meaningful, similar to how uranium is enriched to increase its energy output.

Why does the speaker believe that women might have a better grasp of friendship than men?

The speaker believes that women have a better grasp of friendship because they inherently understand the human dynamic better and are less afraid to express love and support to their friends.

What is the significance of the Zulu saying mentioned by the speaker?

The Zulu saying 'a person is a person only because of other people' signifies the importance of community and relationships in shaping an individual's identity and well-being.

How does the speaker suggest leaders can influence the value of friendship in their organizations?

The speaker suggests that leaders can influence the value of friendship by publicly prioritizing their own friendships and modeling the behavior they want to see in their organizations.

What is the speaker's view on the current societal expectations placed on romantic relationships?

The speaker views that societal expectations have shifted, placing an unreasonable burden on romantic partners to fulfill all emotional, social, and community needs that were traditionally shared among a broader friend group.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of maintaining friendships despite a busy life?

The speaker emphasizes the importance of maintaining friendships because they provide a unique form of support and joy that cannot be replicated by other relationships or achievements, and they argue that friendships should be worked on and prioritized just like any other important aspect of life.

Outlines

00:00

🤝 The Power of Friendship and Sacrifice

The speaker begins by expressing gratitude and a mix of emotions towards Anastasia, recounting a conversation that led to the current discussion. They highlight the importance of friendship, which is often overlooked despite its crucial role in mental health and overall well-being. The speaker admires Simon for his intellectual prowess and inquires about his current fascinations. Simon responds by discussing the theme of passion as an output rather than an input, drawing a parallel to the necessity of friendship. He laments the lack of resources on fostering friendships, unlike other aspects of personal development. The conversation shifts to the sacrifices people make for their careers, often at the expense of friendships. The speaker and Simon agree on the importance of friendship, with the speaker sharing personal experiences of how friends have been there during tough times, unlike work commitments.

05:00

🌐 Global Implications of Friendship and Addiction

Simon expands on his fascination with friendship by discussing its impact on addiction. He references an experiment by Bruce Alexander that challenges the traditional understanding of addiction, suggesting that social animals like rats and humans are less likely to become addicted in a supportive community. Simon argues that fostering friendships could mitigate addiction, including to social media and technology. He emphasizes the need to teach children how to be friends to prevent future addictions. The conversation also touches on the maintenance of friendships, with Simon sharing his efforts to enrich his friendships through deliberate and meaningful interactions, despite his frequent travels and busy schedule.

10:01

🚢 Uranium-Enriched Friendships and Their Value

The speaker delves into his philosophy of 'uranium-enriched friendships,' suggesting that friendships should be cultivated and maintained with intention, similar to how one would care for a valuable asset. He recounts a trip to Greece where he learned the value of friendships through a local saying about boats, emphasizing that the best experiences are shared with friends. The speaker also discusses the importance of being vulnerable and supportive with friends, sharing personal stories and the significance of expressing love and care openly. He encourages proactive efforts in nurturing friendships, rather than leaving them to chance.

15:02

🌟 The Impact of Neglected Friendships on Society

The conversation turns to the broader societal implications of neglected friendships. The speaker expresses concern over the increasing anger and isolation among young men, who often turn to online communities that amplify these feelings. He suggests that a lack of love and belongingness drives them towards hate and violence. The discussion also touches on the loss of idealism in the world, with leaders no longer inspiring a sense of community or belonging that transcends individual interests. The speaker and Simon agree on the importance of addressing these issues through fostering friendships and community, rather than focusing solely on individual success or achievements.

20:03

💼 Balancing Life Roles with the Importance of Friendships

In the final paragraph, the speaker reflects on the challenge of balancing various life roles with the maintenance of friendships. He acknowledges the common sentiment among successful individuals that they often neglect their friendships due to the demands of family, work, and other responsibilities. The speaker and Simon discuss the need for leaders, especially, to prioritize friendships and set an example for others to follow. They also touch on the impact of abandoned friendships on romantic relationships, suggesting that the support and love once shared among friends are now often concentrated on one partner, leading to unrealistic expectations. The conversation concludes with a Zulu proverb that encapsulates the essence of their discussion: a person is a person because of other people, highlighting the fundamental importance of friendships in shaping who we are.

Keywords

💡Friendship

Friendship is a bond between individuals based on mutual affection, understanding, and shared experiences. In the video, the concept of friendship is central to the discussion, with the speakers emphasizing its importance in providing mental health support, combating addiction, and fostering a sense of belonging. The script illustrates this through personal anecdotes and reflections on how friendships can be a 'biohack' for various life challenges.

💡Passion

Passion is described in the script as an 'output, not an input,' suggesting that it is something that arises from deep engagement and obsession with a subject or activity rather than a pre-existing interest one must find. The speakers use this concept to discuss how passion for ideas and relationships can drive meaningful actions and commitments, such as prioritizing friendships over work.

💡Sacrifice

Sacrifice in the context of the video refers to the act of giving up something valuable for the sake of something else, often perceived as more important. The speakers discuss how high-performing individuals might sacrifice friendships for career advancement, but later realize the value of those relationships. The script challenges the audience to consider what they sacrifice and for whom.

💡Mental Health

Mental health is a central theme in the video, with the speakers linking it to the quality of friendships and social connections. They argue that strong friendships can act as a 'biohack' to address issues like stress, depression, and anxiety. The script suggests that fostering friendships is as important as other health-related industries.

💡Addiction

Addiction is discussed in the script as a complex issue that can be influenced by social factors, such as the presence or absence of strong friendships. The speakers reference an experiment to illustrate how social isolation can lead to addiction, implying that fostering community and friendship might be a preventative measure against various forms of addiction.

💡Community

Community in the video represents a group of people who share common values, interests, or goals, and who provide mutual support. The speakers argue that a sense of community can be a powerful tool against loneliness and addiction, and that friendships are a fundamental part of building such communities. The script suggests that a lack of community can lead to seeking unhealthy substitutes.

💡Leadership

Leadership is a recurring theme, with the speakers suggesting that leaders have a responsibility to model the importance of friendship and personal relationships. They argue that leaders' actions can influence organizational culture and set the tone for how employees balance work and personal life, including friendships.

💡Idealism

Idealism in the video is presented as a belief in high-minded principles and goals, such as world peace. The speakers express concern over a perceived loss of idealism in contemporary society, which they suggest can lead to a search for belonging in unhealthy ways, such as joining extremist groups. They imply that fostering idealism could help build healthier communities.

💡Work-Life Balance

Work-life balance refers to the act of distributing one's time and energy between work and personal life, including friendships and family. The script discusses how the erosion of other social structures has led to an increased demand on work and romantic relationships to fulfill all social and emotional needs, which can be detrimental to both personal well-being and relationships.

💡Global Responsibility

Global responsibility in the context of the video is the idea that individuals and societies have a duty to consider the impact of their actions on the world at large. The speakers suggest that fostering friendships and community is not just a personal matter but a global responsibility that can contribute to a healthier, more peaceful society.

Highlights

The speaker expresses gratitude and a complex relationship with Anastasia, setting the stage for the conversation.

A spontaneous discussion in a courtyard with Simon leads to an impromptu talk, showcasing the value of serendipity in knowledge sharing.

The speaker admires Simon's intellect, referring to him as one of the greatest thinkers of their generation.

The conversation delves into the concept that passion is an output, not an input, challenging the traditional narrative of finding one's passion.

Simon's current fascination is with friendship, an often-overlooked aspect in the pursuit of personal development.

The lack of resources on improving friendships is noted, despite their importance in mental health and well-being.

The speaker shares a personal belief in the universe's magic, particularly in syncing thoughts with others, as evidenced by conversations with Simon.

The idea that sacrifices for career often come at the expense of friendships is explored, prompting a discussion on work-life balance.

The importance of friendship as a 'biohack' for mental health is introduced, positioning it as a solution to various challenges.

The speaker reflects on the rarity of friends prioritizing each other over work, suggesting a need for a cultural shift in valuing friendships.

The concept of 'uranium enriched friendships' is introduced, emphasizing the deliberate effort needed to maintain and strengthen friendships.

The speaker discusses the impact of travel and a busy lifestyle on friendships and shares strategies for nurturing them despite distance.

The power of saying 'I love you' to friends is highlighted, sharing personal experiences of how it changes dynamics.

The conversation touches on gender differences in friendships, with the speaker suggesting women may have a better grasp on the concept.

The societal implications of neglecting friendships are discussed, including the rise of anger and isolation among young men.

The loss of idealism in society and its impact on finding belonging is noted, with a call for leaders to foster community and friendship.

The idea that friendships can be a buffer in romantic relationships, improving their health and longevity, is presented.

The conversation concludes with a Zulu saying that encapsulates the essence of friendship's role in defining our personhood.

Transcripts

good afternoon everybody how you

doing

um as you can see there's there's

nothing up here because there was

nothing uh here um I'll I'll tell you

how this came to be so first of all um

thank you and I hate you Anastasia um

but we we were having a conversation in

the in the little Courtyard yesterday

and I bumped into Simon I've seen him

around a bunch I love him I always tell

you I have a like the biggest brain

crush on you um M but but we're having

we having the discussion and then you

know Sarah came out from the team was

like are you guys speaking no we're not

blah blah blah would you like to I like

I said I'd speak if he does something I

just want to listen to him and then

Anastasia was like I heard you and now

here we are so I'm not going to waste

anybody's time cuz I I I'm sure many of

you will agree with me but if you don't

know this this man right here is

honestly one of the greatest thinkers of

Our Generation I love how his mind works

I love how he challenges us how he

thinks about thinking and the really all

I wanted to know and it sort of is the

Genesis was yesterday is um what are you

fascinated by right now because I know

you always working on something or you

always drilling into something yeah what

are you what are you fascinated by right

now well it's interesting because the

thing the common theme that we've been

hearing from all the talks today um

which is is which is the passion isn't

some manufactured thing where you sort

of find the passion and do what you're

passionate you know passion is an output

not an input and what we hear is

somebody finds an obsession for

something and that then becomes their

their passion and the same is definitely

true I'm sure for you and definitely

true for me um so the thing that I'm

sort of obsessing about right now is

friendship um there's an entire industry

to help us be better leaders there's an

entire industry to uh help us be better

uh parents there's an entire industry to

help us eat better exercise better sleep

better um and yet there's barely

anything on how to be a friend um and if

you think about all the mental health

challenges that so many of us are facing

today whether it's uh coping with stress

depression anxiety addiction uh even

obsession with longevity um friendship

is the ultimate biohack that literally

fixes all those things you it's it's

interesting that you said this so i'

I've always felt like um you know I'm

not a very superstitious person grew up

very religious but I I do believe in

some sort of magic in the universe and

some every time I bump into you I feel

like we're thinking about the same thing

but on a slightly different path and

usually people are forced to listen to

us just talk about that I apologize but

but the thing the reason this

fascinating me is because I've been

thinking a lot about friendship and what

it means and a friend of mine actually

said to me on a trip recently she said

in successful spaces often times people

will use the word sacrifice you know we

heard many people we heard Martin we

heard so many people up on the stage

saying sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice

sacrifice and she said one of the most

powerful things ever to me she said when

we say we've sacrificed something for

our career we shouldn't be afraid to put

a name to who that sacrifice was because

often time it was the people in our

lives that we call friends yeah and I

wanted to know have you been thinking

about that like what is what is the

balance what is the what is the

Confluence like how do you how do you

think of friendship and then the

sacrifice that brings you here to sit

with people where you may make new

friends or not well I think definitely

for me and I can't speak for anybody

else but definitely for me I think the

sacrifice was lopsided and I think uh

especially for high performers who who I

think later on in life you start to

realize that that network of friends

sometimes isn't there because you've

sacrificed you know the number of us who

have canceled on friends because a

meeting comes up yeah because they'll

understand right um and yet the reverse

is very rarely true that we'll say to

somebody for a meeting can we meet on

Friday instead of Thursday because in my

calendar we wouldn't say it but in my

calendar is a friend um and definitely

for me the times where I have tripped

slipped fell hit Rock Bottom felt alone

any of those spaces my work wasn't going

to rescue me um and it was by the grace

of of some higher power that there was

always a friend who saw it and

recognized it in me um who picked me up

and so I realized that um we we we talk

about investing we talk about um um you

know and this is a different kind of

investment um you and I were talking

about it the other day you know which is

um

um people are moving to in the United

States you know people are moving from

California and and New York to Texas and

Florida to avoid paying taxes um because

they want to save time and yet where

else I want it I want it to be the

reverse like I want to like I'm not

worried about like saving the money you

know to be in a place I don't want to

live right I want to live with the

people I love and if it costs more and

by the way by cost I mean that maybe I

won't achieve that thing or maybe I'll

miss that deadline or maybe I'll miss

that that quarter you know it's a

different kind of sacrifice we we think

of sacrifices always against people but

I can make a sacrifice for my career for

my friends and it's about striking that

right balance because your friends will

be there for you your work won't yeah

you see I love that line your friends

will be there for you your work

won't I was talking to a friend about

this conversation and my friend was like

what do you like what do you love about

Simon so much and I said what I love

about Simon is this is I feel like

you're a you're a truffle pig of um of

like ideas that will shape the world and

what I mean by that is what I mean by

that is like so I'm French yeah whatever

you choose to take from it take from it

uh what I choose to to to say by saying

that is I love seeing what you're

sniffing around in because I believe

it's connected to something far greater

yeah you know what I mean it's not the

Truffle but it's the meal that is now

going to influence and the restaurant

that it's now going to shape you you you

have that brain I it's friendship yes

but what what why would you care about

friendship friendship is like yeah go

out with your friends hang out with your

friends why would you care about

friendship on like a global scale what

what what's in it Simon what's

happening um so let me take one step

back and try and get to An Answer um our

understanding of

addiction largely comes from an

experiment that has done I think in like

the 50s or 60s where they put a rat in a

cage there was one thing of water where

it was plain water and one thing that

was laced with drugs right and in short

order the rat discovered the drug laced

uh beverage and loved it drank more and

more until it killed itself and our

understanding of addiction largely comes

from this study um there was a guy named

uh I think his name was Bruce Alexander

who who said hold on it's flawed the

whole the whole study is flawed because

rats like us are social animals and we

put a rat by itself in solitude of

course it became an addict but that's

not what you're supposed to do with

social animals he recreated the

experiment where he put like first of

all he put lots of rats in the in the

cage so social Community uh they put

like wheels and mazes and they were

having kids and babies and two waters a

plain water and uh and the and the drug

laced water and they could see from the

data they knew which ones and they all

tried enough of the drug laced water to

get addicted right but they didn't

they're they're taking in of the water

declined and they only drank the plain

water which starts to give evidence that

that if we have close friendships and

when if we live in community perhaps

we're less susceptible to all addiction

and and I know that there's a lot being

talked about about the addiction of

social media the addiction of cell

phones which is true which is true it is

a highly dopamine producing device and

and that it's causing

loneliness and I would argue that if we

worked on the friendships and more

important if we taught our children how

to be

friends that perhaps they are less uh

likely to get addicted and I think

yeah that's and I

think so when you talk about what's the

global responsibility yeah we're we're

teaching how people how to do everything

you know we're finding the hacks for

everything the one thing we aren't doing

is the

old-fashioned um hard slow thing of

making friends so okay so here's here's

what I've been thinking about over the

past two years I've been traveling

spending most of my time traveling and

in that time I've been thinking about

how you maintain a friendship how you

keep a friendship and how you build a

friendship

and in that I I came to realize most of

our friendships we we sort of leave to

coincidence I bumped into this person I

went to the same school as them we were

in the same church the same company and

that defines our friendships and and to

what you're saying now working on I

realized that no one has ever taught us

how to work on a friendship like

actually work on a friendship you know

and most people think they're good

friends if you ask most people are you a

good friend most people would say yeah

I'm a good friend and so so I said have

you sacrific that meeting to hang out

with a friend have you do you call your

friends on their birthday and sing them

happy birthday or do you just put a

thing on social media saying happy

birthday because you saw everybody else

put on social media you know um when a

friend is depressed do you go over to

their house and climb into bed with them

and sit and watch movies and eat ice

cream all day and be depressed with them

you know um have you done all those

things have you ever said to your friend

who I love you not love you not love you

I love you have you done those things

are you a good friend and the way to

prove that those things matter has any

has anybody ever done that for you H

when you've been depressed have they

come and just sat and been depressed

with you not trying to fix you not

trying to pull you out of the mud just

been depressed with you have they said I

love you to you right I learned this

from a friend of mine who's by he's a

warrior he's active duty military

multiple tours he's R risked his life to

save the lives of others by any he is a

badass he is a warrior and you know you

and I have colleagues and co-workers

they have brothers and sisters and I

remember the first time he called me

brother I remember it was real hey

brother you know um but what really

stood out um was the first time we got

off the phone and he ended the phone

call with I love you again not love you

not love you I love you and I remember

what that felt like and Men definitely

rare you know don't do what did it feel

like um I felt hugged I felt felt safe I

felt that I knew that I could tell him

and be anything and I would he wouldn't

judge me or look down on me and it was

so powerful that I decided to start

experimenting and saying it to the

people who I loved and I have some

friends who are good people kind people

generous people but most would describe

them as cold yeah not warm people and I

remember I'm thinking of one friend in

particular and I decided to say like I I

left his house and I was like I love you

and and I remember watching him sort of

sort of be struck by it yeah in very

short order maybe two or three times

after I saw him he started saying I love

you back he started hugging me in a way

that he's never hugged me um I gave him

a kiss on the cheek he kissed me

back uh that's where the line

[Laughter]

is but but but you you live a life where

you're away a lot you're on the road a

lot I mean your career necessitates you

to be on the road right how has that

affected your friendships more important

how have what have you done to maintain

the closeness of those friendships with

with the crazy life that you live I

believe in uranium enriched friendships

that's how I think about it so I I I

think a friendship like I've tried to

study friendships as much as I can you

know over the over the past maybe like

I've really focused on it over the past

like four five years and I remember once

I was in an interview and somebody said

hey what's your goal what's your dream

it was actually Forbes Magazine and I

said I would love to be successful but I

wish there was a top 10 list for

somebody who has a friend's net worth

because that's that's honestly what I'm

trying to do and and and maybe it's

confirmation bias but I find that that

answer you know keeps coming back to me

I was on a I was on a trip to Greece a

few years ago and you know if you've

ever been to any of these places where

people are on boats and having a great

time in the water it hypnotizes you and

I I turned to one of the Greek guys I

was with and I said

Nick if I was trying to get a boat What

boat should I get and I'll never forget

this his his friend jumped in and he

said Ella Ella Ella Trevor Ella let me

tell you something the best boat is your

friend's

boat and it was a joke that had so many

layers to me cuz the one was yeah it's

true like you know it is if you own a

boat there's a lot of stress you don't

want to own a boat unless you really

love boats but the thing I found

profound was this was the fact that

everybody who has a boat needs friends

to be on that boat with them and if

everybody works to get the boat no one

has time to have friends to come on the

boat with them and every boat I know is

full of friends who are on that boat you

know what I mean it's

like and and and so so to answer your

question so what so sorry so so what i'

what I've been doing is I like I

recently got back I just got back from

Japan we did a 10-day trip with 16 of my

friends that group has grown and all I

try to do in in a like it is it is so

meticulous it is Meaningful my friends

sometimes get irritated with me because

they go like why are you so controlled

about it and I go because we have to

work on our friendship I know it seems

like it's just going to happen but we

have to work on it when are we having

this dinner when are we have a song that

we sing which is called are you ready

for the question and we sing it maybe

like the fourth or fifth night of every

hangout theant Tri that yeah yeah we

sing it we sing it are you ready for the

question are you ready for the question

and then we ask ourselves a question

that we've been struggling with because

you realize sometimes you can even

become a superhero to your own friend

group and then you stop releasing or

letting go or digging in or scraping

away and you'll find your friend will be

sitting next to you laughing and going

through the worst depression they've

ever been through in their lives until

you say hey is everything okay what are

you struggling with and then they open

up and you go why didn't you tell me

they go cuz I I didn't want to burden

you I love you as my friend and so

that's that's what I Tred do more than

more than anything in the world that's

my greatest joy that's such a common

that's such a common misunderstanding

which I didn't want to burden you I

don't want to bother you with my

problems and I think people don't

realize that we don't build trust by

offering help we build trust by asking

for it and oh say that again we don't

build trust by offering help we build

trust by asking for it damn and why why

is that because it's your it's your

example and you I'm sure everyone in

this room has had this experience where

someone was in pain didn't call you for

fear of bothering you or interrupting

you you're a busy person um uh and then

you find out once they're okay and I I

again I'll just speak from personal

experience a friend of mine went through

something uh he wasn't completely out of

but he was doing better and I'm like

haven't talked in a couple weeks and he

sort of like slowly started to say I've

been struggling and I said why didn't

you call me he says I didn't want to

bother you and my immediate reaction was

you um how dare you be so

selfish to deny me the honor of being

there for you in your time of showing up

for you and that's what it is it's the

incredible that's when you know a friend

is a friend when you you it is an

absolute honor to be there at the time

they least want to call you do you think

that women have a better grasp of

friendship than men

100% I think I think for that reason um

women make better

CEOs um I think

I I I do I mean it was we've we've heard

it from U multiple female entrepreneurs

on the stage today yeah there's a better

understanding of the human Dynamic women

come up to me uh more often than men um

and they get they get my work much

better men come up to me and ask for

case

studies that's interesting um men want

me to prove that trusting people loving

people taking care of people is a good

thing for business um women inherently

understand that and make decisions

accordingly um uh so yeah I do think

women are better at it I think women are

less afraid to say I love you to their

friends too one of the um you know one

of the conversations I had recently was

about

you know the rise of the right in the

world and it's funny we were talking to

Anastasia yesterday about like the state

of the world and and you know and I mean

there there's so many things happening

that you can't really call it the state

of the world but one of the big things

I've been worried about recently is

young men and how angry they've become

how angry they've become how alone

they've become how isolated they've

become and then ironically how they've

turned that anger

isolation into a community MH and it's

weird because it's literally there's

communities of of young men

online who have formed communities based

in and around loneliness based in and

around anger based and they don't try

and become it's interesting that you're

saying all these things they don't try

and become friends they don't try and

teach each other to hug and to love and

to feel and no they they they you know

what I mean they they they sort of

forment these feelings and they go this

is why we should hate women and this is

why we should hate the government and

this is why we should hate society and

this is why we should hate and I I I

wonder if this world that you're

speaking about is we're sort of seeing

the effects of it now is like men who

haven't found anything beyond someone

said it earlier on stage today is just

like men going what am I beyond what I

do cuz a lot of these men are unemployed

and who am I because of who I am around

I mean that's it's it's a huge insight

and you asked before what does this

conversation have to do with the you

know the the bigger world and very I

don't think I've ever heard a serious

discussion about understanding um uh the

a 20-some year old virgin who lives with

their parents and without a job and as

it connects to Global terrorism or the

or or or moving to violence to solve my

problems and especially if you come from

a shame based society and when you find

other people who are suffering what

you're suffering or who get you it's

incredibly compelling and and you feel

seen and you feel understood and the

work of diaan the the British

documentarian you she talks about this

whether you're talking about white

supremacists or we talking about jihadis

they are not driven by hate they are

driven by love and she and her work is

all about it um um and and this is what

we don't understand which is it's people

who are missing love desperately looking

for love and desperately looking for

belonging and when when our Nations

don't provide us this is getting into a

much sort of like but when our leaders

and and you and I have talked about this

which is in the world today I think

there's been a total loss of idealism

yeah you know our leaders used to talk

about world peace and peace on Earth you

and I having a conversation about world

peace right now would sound cheesy and

corny and weird and I think there's been

a loss of idealism and when there's a

loss of idealism and something to feel

like we belong to larger than ourselves

larger than our nation larger than the

work that we do if that's missing we

still look for that we still look for

that belonging but unfortunately we find

it down here right um and I think we're

we're witnessing the loss of idealism in

the world right now how we're finding

community at low levels and tearing each

other apart before we run out of time

there's one other thing I wanted to to

dig in you know and and learn from your

mind um during Jay's um presentation it

was it was really cool to see that

moment where he asked the question um he

said what what is the thing you you wish

you had done or you spent more time

doing and she said I I wish it was I had

spent more time with my friends and that

stuck with me partially knowing what

we're going to talk about in a way but I

was like man friends and I've spoken to

some of you in the audience here by the

way you know I mean some of the most

successful people Venture Capital etc

etc etc etc and our parents and

everything and at some of the dinner at

some of the moments that we've had

together I've asked some of you and I

won't you know single you out but a lot

of people have said hey and how's your

friend group and they go oh man I

actually haven't seen my friends in a

while and I I haven't and and you don't

know and do you think there is a way to

find the balance

between showing up as a family person

showing up as a mother showing up as a

father showing up as you know that that

nuclear unit showing showing up as a CEO

showing up as a president showing up do

you think it's it's possible to show up

in those worlds and then still make room

for what Society has deemed and nice to

have cuz friendship is never seen as you

know the thing like I I came here last

year with a friend as a plus one and I

remember few people like who's this and

I was like my friend they're like but

what does he do I was like he's my

friend and they're like like for a

living I was like yeah I'd like to think

so yeah and obviously he does things but

to me he's my friend I don't know what

he does in that obviously I do but I

don't care and and I I I wonder if you

like think about that you know for rooms

like this where people are so high power

powered and so intense and you know they

focused and they go family business I

hear a lot of people say that I hear

very people say friends I really really

work hard on my friendships what do you

what do you say to

that

um I it is more it is more amazing to

have an amazing experience with someone

than by yourself you can go to it by

yourself and say look what look what I

did versus do you remember that time we

did that and um I think that we

especially for leaders and I criticize I

think leaders bear greater

responsibility because people follow

their leaders yeah so goes the leader so

goes the organization so goes leader so

goes the Country always so goes the

parents so go the children right put

your phones away Mom and Dad are on

their phone the whole time at dinner

right um and I think if the leader

publicly said um I just want everybody

to know it's Monday Friday I'm leaving a

little early it's my friend's birthday

and we're going to go celebrate you'll

find people prioritizing their friends

more I think it's a leadership problem

I think it's something we all have to

work on and and and one other thing that

I've realized in talking to people just

anecdotally and then you know therapists

who are really good studying in the

space is I think we shouldn't take for

granted how much the abandoning or the

ignoring of friendships has affected

romantic relationships because people

have now shifted all of the expectation

all of the support all of the you you

know the love that they got from a

community of friends and they've moved

it on to one person and a lot of the I

think there's a few studies that have

actually shown even having a friend

where you can talk about your your

partner too which is healthy by the way

yeah yeah actually improves your chances

of staying with your partner o

That's I'm just no no I'm having an

Insight here this is a this is thank you

for being the trouble Pig and uncovering

this magical little insight that the

same thing is happening at work is

happening in our relationships so it

used to be where we sort of had bowling

leagues and we got our community from

there we got our sense of belief from

church work was the place we made our

living we had barbecues with our

neighbors and over time those things

have disappeared and now we demand of

our work that you be the place of of

purpose you be the place of community

you be the place of my social life now

you be the place that matches my

politics we're putting all this pressure

on work to fulfill every desire I have

and we're doing the exact same thing in

our relationships which is we we've seem

to abandon those outside places and

we're asking of our partners to be

everything all the time always which is

an unreasonable and unfair standard to

put on someone or be put on us I've

never thought about it from the

workplace as well and that's why you're

my favorite Truffle Pig I know Anastasia

has time to run so I'll leave you with

one thing that really you know for me

was was perfectly apt for this

conversation and it's a it's a it's a

saying that we have in South Africa in

Zulu which

is which means a person is a person only

because of the people and I want to say

that I'm genuinely a better person

because of you my friend thank you for

being here with me thanks for sharing

this with us really appreciate it thank

you