Why dating advice is terrible: half right is all wrong

Summary

Dr. Orion Taban critiques the effectiveness of conventional dating advice, arguing that it often fails to address the dual nature of relationships: psychological and economic factors. He posits that while psychological advice is prevalent, focusing on self-improvement and communication, it overlooks the economic aspect of mate selection in the sexual marketplace. Conversely, advice focusing solely on physical attractiveness and social status neglects the psychological dynamics. Taban advocates for a balanced approach, suggesting that while both aspects are crucial, attractiveness often holds more sway in the dating world.

Takeaways

• 📜 Dr. Orion Taban discusses why most dating advice is inadequate, suggesting it often fails to account for the complexities of the 'sexual marketplace'.
• 💭 The script argues that dating advice is often based on idealistic perceptions rather than the practical realities of dating and relationships.
• 🔄 Dr. Taban explains that successful relationships require a balance of both psychological and economic components, which many dating advice models overlook.
• 🤔 The advice often focuses solely on psychological factors, such as emotional intelligence and communication, neglecting the economic aspects like physical attractiveness and social status.
• 🚫 The script criticizes the 'therapize' culture that assumes all relationship issues can be resolved through introspection and self-awareness.
• 👫 It points out that even the best communicators and partners can struggle in relationships if they don't offer what the 'sexual marketplace' values.
• 💰 Conversely, advice that focuses only on economic factors, like physical appearance and wealth, is also flawed as it ignores the psychological aspects of relationships.
• 🤝 The ideal dating advice should consider both attractiveness and goodness, but if one must be prioritized, attractiveness often has a more significant impact.
• 📚 Dr. Taban's book, 'The Value of Others', delves deeper into the economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice for navigating the 'sexual marketplace'.
• 🌟 The script concludes by encouraging readers to consider both their psychological and economic value in the context of dating and relationships.

Q & A

What is the main argument presented by Dr. Orion Taban in the script?

Dr. Orion Taban argues that most dating advice is inadequate because it either focuses solely on psychological aspects or economic aspects, ignoring the reality that successful relationships require a balance of both.

Why does Dr. Taban believe that dating advice often fails to provide a complete picture?

Dr. Taban believes dating advice fails because it tends to oversimplify the complexities of human relationships by focusing on either psychological factors like emotional intelligence and communication, or economic factors like physical attractiveness and social status, without acknowledging the interplay between the two.

What does Dr. Taban suggest is the fundamental principle in the game of mating and dating?

The fundamental principle, according to Dr. Taban, is that everyone is attempting to get and keep their perceived best option, making the perception of value and best option central to all human relationships.

How does Dr. Taban describe the two components of relationships?

Dr. Taban describes the two components of relationships as perception, which is psychological, and value, which is economic.

What does Dr. Taban suggest is the reason for the failure of popular dating advice?

Dr. Taban suggests that popular dating advice fails because it approaches dating as if it's either purely psychological or purely economic, rather than recognizing that relationships are a combination of both.

What does Dr. Taban mean by 'sexual marketplace'?

The 'sexual marketplace' refers to the broader context in which individuals compete for relationships based on their perceived value, which includes both psychological and economic factors.

Why does Dr. Taban argue that being attractive is more critical in the sexual marketplace than being a good person?

Dr. Taban argues that being attractive is more critical because it directly influences one's perceived value in the sexual marketplace, and people are more likely to compete for the company of those who are more attractive, even if they have less desirable personality traits.

What does Dr. Taban suggest as the ideal approach to dating advice?

The ideal approach, according to Dr. Taban, is to be both a good and attractive partner, as this combination is more likely to lead to successful relationships in the long run.

What is the title of Dr. Taban's book, and what does it discuss?

The title of Dr. Taban's book is 'The Value of Others'. It delves into his economic model of relationships, explains the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating, and provides actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what one wants in the sexual marketplace.

How does Dr. Taban view the role of self-improvement in the context of dating and relationships?

Dr. Taban views self-improvement as essential, suggesting that individuals should aim to enhance both their psychological well-being and their perceived economic value to be optimally successful in the sexual marketplace.

What does Dr. Taban recommend for those who want to improve their chances in the sexual marketplace?

Dr. Taban recommends that individuals should focus on improving both their psychological attributes, such as emotional intelligence and communication skills, and their economic attributes, such as physical attractiveness and social status.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Flaws in Dating Advice

Dr. Orion Taban discusses the inadequacies of conventional dating advice, arguing that much of it is disconnected from the realities of the sexual marketplace. He emphasizes that while dating advice may seem plausible, it often fails to account for the complex interplay of psychological and economic factors in relationships. Dr. Taban suggests that the most popular advice tends to focus solely on psychological aspects, such as emotional healing and communication, neglecting the economic component of perceived value in the dating market. He critiques the 'therapize' culture that assumes all relationship issues can be resolved through introspection and self-awareness, while overlooking the importance of physical attractiveness and other marketable attributes in the dating game.

05:01

🔄 The Economic Model of Relationships

This paragraph delves into the economic model of relationships, where Dr. Taban explains that relationships are not isolated events but are part of a larger sexual marketplace. He posits that even the most empathetic and communicative individuals may struggle to maintain relationships if they cannot outcompete their sexual competition. The advice in this segment challenges the belief that relationship success is solely dependent on personal qualities and argues that the existence of 'better options' can significantly impact relationship stability. Dr. Taban promotes his book, 'The Value of Others,' which provides an in-depth exploration of his economic model of relationships and offers actionable advice for navigating the sexual marketplace more effectively.

10:03

💰 Prioritizing Attractiveness in Relationships

In the final paragraph, Dr. Taban addresses the other side of the dating advice spectrum, which focuses on economic factors like physical appearance and social status, often to the exclusion of psychological aspects. He acknowledges that while attractiveness and other marketable traits are important, they are not the sole determinants of relationship success. The paragraph concludes with a call to balance both attractiveness and psychological well-being, suggesting that while it is ideal to be both a good and attractive partner, if one must prioritize, attractiveness may hold a slight edge due to its influence in the sexual marketplace. Dr. Taban invites feedback from listeners and encourages them to share the episode with others who might benefit from the insights.

Keywords

💡Dating Advice

Dating advice refers to guidance or suggestions given to individuals on how to approach and navigate romantic relationships. In the video, Dr. Orion Taban critiques the effectiveness of most dating advice, arguing that it often fails to account for the complex realities of the 'sexual marketplace' and tends to oversimplify relationship dynamics.

💡Sexual Marketplace

The sexual marketplace is a concept used to describe the social environment where individuals assess and are assessed by others based on their perceived attractiveness and suitability for romantic or sexual relationships. Dr. Taban discusses how dating advice often ignores the economic aspect of this marketplace, focusing solely on psychological factors.

💡Perceived Value

Perceived value in the context of the video refers to how individuals evaluate potential partners based on their attractiveness, personality, and other qualities. Dr. Taban emphasizes that everyone is trying to get and keep their perceived best option, making perceived value a central factor in dating and relationships.

💡Psychological Factors

Psychological factors encompass the emotional, cognitive, and behavioral aspects that influence how individuals interact and form relationships. The video points out that much dating advice focuses on these factors, such as self-worth and communication skills, often neglecting the economic or 'market' value of individuals.

💡Economic Factors

Economic factors, in relation to dating, refer to the tangible and intangible assets that individuals bring to a relationship, such as physical attractiveness, financial stability, and social status. Dr. Taban argues that while psychological advice is common, economic factors are equally important and often overlooked.

💡Therapize

Therapize, as used in the video, refers to the overemphasis on therapy, introspection, and self-awareness as solutions to all problems. Dr. Taban critiques this perspective, suggesting that while it has some validity, it can become narcissistic and overlook other important aspects of relationship success.

💡Interpersonal Dynamics

Interpersonal dynamics involve the interactions and communication between individuals within a relationship. The video discusses how dating advice often focuses on these dynamics, such as the ability to communicate or compromise, without considering the broader context of the sexual marketplace.

💡Sexual Market Value (SMV)

Sexual Market Value is a term used to describe an individual's overall attractiveness in the sexual marketplace based on physical, social, and other qualities. Dr. Taban notes that while SMV is not the only factor in relationships, it plays a significant role and is often downplayed or vilified in dating advice.

💡Attraction

Attraction in the context of the video refers to the physical and emotional draw one person feels towards another, which is a key factor in the sexual marketplace. Dr. Taban suggests that while attractiveness can be a strong advantage, it is not the sole determinant of relationship success.

💡Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is the act of unconsciously undermining one's own success or happiness, often due to deep-seated beliefs or fears. In the video, Dr. Taban mentions self-sabotage as one of the psychological issues that some dating advice suggests can hinder relationship success.

💡Goodness

Goodness, in the video, refers to the moral and ethical qualities that individuals possess, such as kindness, empathy, and integrity. Dr. Taban discusses how some people believe that goodness should be sufficient for relationship success, while attractiveness is seen as superficial.

Highlights

Most dating advice is not practical and is often based on idealized notions rather than the realities of the dating market.

The success in relationships depends on accepting the reality of the dating market, which can be difficult.

Popular dating advice often misses the mark because it oversimplifies relationships as purely psychological or economic.

Relationships have both psychological and economic components, and neither can be ignored for success.

The majority of dating advice focuses on psychological aspects, neglecting the economic factors of attractiveness and market value.

Some dating advice suggests that relationship issues stem from unresolved emotional wounds or poor self-love.

The belief that therapy and self-awareness can solve all relationship problems is overextended and unrealistic.

Physical attractiveness plays a significant role in the dating market, contrary to advice that ignores its importance.

The dating market rewards certain attributes, and ignoring this fact can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships.

Some advice focuses on interpersonal dynamics, such as communication and compromise, but overlooks the broader market context.

Even the best communicators can struggle in relationships if they cannot compete with more attractive options.

The speaker's book, 'The Value of Others,' delves into an economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice.

The book challenges readers to reconsider their views on relationships after understanding the sexual marketplace.

A small subset of dating advice focuses solely on economic factors like physical appearance and wealth.

While attractiveness matters, it is not the only factor in relationships; personality traits also play a crucial role.

The best dating advice should include both psychological and economic perspectives for optimal success.

If one must prioritize, being attractive is often more advantageous in the dating market than being 'good'.

The speaker encourages feedback and sharing of the episode with others who might benefit from this perspective.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psyx

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is why

dating advice is

terrible the fact of the matter is that

most dating advice isn't worth the paper

that it's printed on much of it can

sound good and plausible but that is

often because separated in the moment of

consumption from the realities of the

sexual Marketplace it describes how

people would like dating to be or how

people believe dating should be the

reality of course is neither it is what

it is and the more people can move in

the direction of accepting that reality

as painful and difficult as it might be

the more success they will eventually

have in their

relationships in my opinion even the

best of the most popular dating advice

only ever gets it half right and there's

actually a very simple reason why this

is the case as I discuss in my book the

fundamental principle in the game of

mating and dating is that everyone is

attempting to get and keep their

perceived best option if this is true

then the perception perceived of value

best option is at the heart of all human

relationships and this means that

relationships always have two two

components perception which is

psychological and value which is

economic the most popular dating advice

tends to fail because it approaches

dating as if it's either one or the

other that is either it's all

psychological and so relationship

problems can be solved entirely by

psychological means or it's all economic

and so relationship problems can be

solved entirely by economic means in

reality relationships are both and any

model that focuses on one without the

other is doomed to failure let's discuss

what that might look

like by far the overwhelming majority of

daing advice fails because it focuses

exclusively on the psychological and

completely avoids the economic this

advice fundamentally assumes that all

relationship issues can either be

addressed INTC cych that is within the

minds of the individuals in question or

interpersonally that is within the

dynamic of the couple in question you'll

recognize this immediately when I give

you some examples dating advice that

focuses on intra psychic components

holds out the promise that the main

thing standing between most people and

the relationships they want is their

unhealed emotional wounding from

childhood or their inability to love

themselves or their lack of awareness

into the Dynamics of their family of

origin or their lingering Trauma from

previous relationships or their tendency

to self-sabotage or their low self-worth

that leads them to accept less than they

deserve or a lack of appreciation for

their attachment Styles etc etc etc like

I could go on and on this perspective is

a symptom of the

therapize which believes that most or

even all problems can be solved by

therapy introspection and self-awareness

they can't this perspective has some

validity but it has become narcissistic

in its

overextension it may be difficult to

hear but a person could be the most

psychologically stable emotionally

intelligent securely attached individual

on the planet and if he or she is

unattractive it will be difficult for

that person to get and keep a

relationship men don't think damn

look at the size of that woman's

assertiveness oh got to get a piece of

that and women don't men because

they are emotionally available like

these are not the attributes that the

other side rewards in the sexual

Marketplace Don't Kill the Messenger

believing that this shouldn't be the

case is pointless it is what it is

what's more a lot of this dating advice

focuses on the interpersonal Dimension

the dynamic that exists between the

individuals in question this perspective

holds out the promise that the main

thing standing between most people and

the relationships they want is their

inability to communicate or their

unwillingness to compromise or their

lack of appreciation for the others love

language or their resistance to

emotional vulnerability or their poor

boundaries or their reluctance to argue

etc etc etc I could go on and on this

perspective is flawed because it

intellectually isol the couple from the

larger context in which it is embedded

it isn't this perspective has some

validity but it ignores the fact that

relationships do not occur in a vacuum

rather they always exist even if you are

married even if you are soulmates in the

context of the overarching sexual

Marketplace it may be difficult to hear

but a person could be the most empathic

Communicator the most conscientious

partner and the most differential lover

and if a better option exists it will be

difficult for this person to get and

keep a

relationship if you cannot beat out your

intersexual competition it's less likely

that you will be selected for a

relationship and it's less likely that

you will retain any relationship for

which you were selected believing that

this shouldn't be the case is pointless

it is what it is

if you appreciate the insights on this

channel I would highly encourage you to

get your hands on a copy of my book the

value of others over the course of 432

pages I delve deep into my economic

model of relationships and explain the

behavior of both men and women in the

game of mating and dating I also provide

a lot of actionable advice on how to get

and keep more of what you want in the

sexual Marketplace once you read the

value of others you'll never look at

relationships the same way again now

available in ebook audiobook and

paperback formats the links are in the

description now the other side of this

problem is dating advice that

exclusively focuses on the economic and

ignores the psychological this is

definitely a smaller proportion of the

circulating advice but it exists

nonetheless you'll recognize this

immediately when I give you some

examples dating advice that focuses on

economic components holds out the

promise that the main thing standing

between most people and the relationship

they want is their body mass index or

their fashion sense or their bank

accounts or their game or their social

status or their height or their curves

etc etc etc I could go on and on this

perspective fails because it assumes

that everything about relationships

depends not only on sexual Marketplace

value but on essence smv in its most

standardized and imp personal sense

namely normalized sexual Marketplace

value it doesn't though to be honest it

does matter more than we would

collectively like to admit smv is not

the whole story but it is absolutely the

case that more attractive people are

more frequently selected for

relationships negotiate more favorable

terms for themselves in those

relationships and retain their

relationships more successfully against

their inter seexual competition like

relationships are easier if you are

attractive and everyone can be more

attracted than they currently are so

this component is ignored and vilified

at people's own

risk that said relationships absolutely

don't turn on the fulcrum of

attractiveness a rich handsome arrogant

man and a beautiful sexy entitled woman

are both very difficult to date like all

the benefits they provide might be

completely nullified by their toxic

personalities and sociopathic tendencies

however For Better or For Worse people

will still try to date them and people

will still try to make it work with them

and they will try longer and harder to

make it work with them before they give

up why because they are attractive

believing that this shouldn't be the

case is pointless it is what it is of

course the best dating advice should

include both perspectives the ideal is

to be a good and attractive

partner however this is very difficult

and extremely expensive most people

can't do both so what happens is that

people selectively emphasize the

component in which they are stronger and

denigrate the component in which they

are weaker basically good people think

they shouldn't have to be

attractive attractiveness is superficial

and materialistic goodness is all that

should matter and attractive people

think they shouldn't have to be good

goodness is Impractical and naive

attractiveness is all that should matter

if you want to be optimally successful

in the sexual Marketplace in the long

run you need to be both

however if you absolutely had to

prioritize one component over the other

you should air on the side of being

attractive if you have more of what more

people most want you will be a wash in

relationships of all kinds and people

will compete for the privilege of your

company it is what it is what do you

think does this fit with your own

experience let me know in the comments

below and please send this episode to

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