It was almost like I was less than

Summary

This powerful narrative from a Bronx-born, Hispanic woman recounts her challenging journey in the '90s military, marked by racial and sexual discrimination. Despite her initial pride, she endured assaults leading to PTSD and a battle with alcoholism. Through EMDR therapy, she processed her trauma, regained control, and rebuilt her life, now embracing a new normal and preparing for marriage.

Takeaways

• 🌆 The speaker is a proud native New Yorker from the Bronx, emphasizing the city's cultural diversity and lack of racism in her upbringing.
• 💪 Despite her initial pride and honor in joining the military, she faced significant racial and gender discrimination, particularly as a Hispanic woman in a predominantly Caucasian environment.
• 🔫 The speaker encountered 'salty old dogs,' middle-aged White men and women who felt the need to assert their dominance over her, adding to her struggles.
• 🎯 Her distinct personality and background as a Puerto Rican from the Bronx made her a target for racial prejudice and harassment.
• 🏥 The speaker experienced sexual assault twice during her military service, which led to her developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
• 🥃 After leaving the military, she struggled with alcoholism, drinking heavily to cope with her feelings of failure and shame.
• 😭 She had a profound moment of realization when she lashed out at her mother, understanding that her behavior was harmful and unacceptable.
• 🤰 The news of her pregnancy prompted her to stop drinking and attempt to regain control over her life.
• 🍷 However, upon returning to work, stress led her back to alcohol, and her mother intervened to get her help.
• 🩺 The speaker underwent Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, which allowed her to process her trauma and reduce its emotional impact.
• 🎓 EMDR therapy was instrumental in her recovery, enabling her to return to school, earn a degree, and find a new sense of normalcy in life.
• 💍 She is now engaged to be married and has embraced the person she has become as a result of her challenging experiences.

Q & A

What cultural background does the speaker come from?

The speaker is a native New Yorker from the Bronx, identifying as a Puerto Rican woman.

What was the speaker's initial experience with racism?

The speaker did not experience racism in her upbringing in New York, but faced it when she joined the military in the '90s.

How did the military environment in the '90s treat the speaker as a Hispanic woman?

The speaker was treated as less than, with her tone of voice and manner of speaking being criticized in a racially charged environment.

What was the speaker's initial intention when joining the Navy?

The speaker had pride and honor, intending to serve for 20 years as a 'lifer'.

How long did the speaker actually serve in the Navy?

The speaker served for four years, 10 months, and some change.

What traumatic experiences did the speaker endure during her service?

The speaker was sexually assaulted twice, which led to her developing PTSD.

How did the speaker cope with her experiences upon returning home?

Initially, the speaker coped by drinking heavily, consuming a fifth of vodka a day.

What was the turning point for the speaker's drinking problem?

The speaker stopped drinking when she found out she was pregnant.

What therapeutic method did the speaker use to process her trauma?

The speaker used Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to process her trauma.

How did EMDR help the speaker deal with her emotions?

EMDR helped the speaker process her emotions by understanding them and then 'putting them to bed,' allowing her to move forward.

What positive changes occurred in the speaker's life after dealing with her trauma?

The speaker was able to live again, return to school to get her degree, become engaged to be married, and find her new normal.

Outlines

00:00

🌐 Cultural Diversity and Military Experience

The speaker, a native New Yorker from the Bronx, describes her upbringing in a culturally diverse environment where racism was not part of her vocabulary. She contrasts this with her experiences in the military during the 1990s, where she faced racial prejudice as a Hispanic woman. She recalls being treated as inferior by Caucasian superiors who seemed to have something to prove. Despite her initial pride and intention to serve for 20 years, her military career was cut short due to sexual assault and the resulting trauma, leading to PTSD and substance abuse.

Keywords

💡Cultural Melting Pot

A cultural melting pot refers to a society or place where many different cultures and ethnicities coexist and interact with one another. In the video, the narrator describes New York as a cultural melting pot, emphasizing the diversity and mutual respect that she experienced growing up, which contrasts with the racism she later encountered in the military.

💡Racism

Racism is the belief in the inherent superiority of one race over another, which often results in discrimination and prejudice towards people based on their race or ethnicity. The narrator states that racism doesn't exist in her vocabulary, highlighting her personal stance against it. However, she experiences racism within the military, which is a central theme of her story.

💡Military

The military refers to the armed forces of a country, tasked with national defense and security. The narrator joins the military with a sense of pride and honor, expecting to serve for 20 years. However, her military experience is marred by racial and sexual discrimination, which significantly impacts her life and well-being.

💡Hispanic Woman

A Hispanic woman is a female individual of Hispanic or Latin American origin. The narrator identifies herself as a Hispanic woman and describes how this identity made her a target for discrimination within the predominantly Caucasian military environment of the '90s.

💡Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. The narrator reveals that she was sexually assaulted twice during her military service, which led to her developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

💡PTSD

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition triggered by experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. The narrator's experiences of sexual assault in the military result in PTSD, which affects her mental health and daily life significantly.

💡EMDR

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a psychotherapy treatment designed for individuals who have experienced distressing or traumatic events. The narrator undergoes EMDR therapy, which helps her process the trauma and associated emotions, allowing her to move forward with her life.

💡Trauma

Trauma refers to a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that has a lasting impact on an individual's mental and emotional state. The narrator's experiences of racism and sexual assault in the military are described as traumatic, and she uses EMDR to process these events.

💡Alcoholism

Alcoholism is a condition characterized by the excessive and compulsive consumption of alcohol, often leading to physical, mental, and social problems. The narrator describes her struggle with alcoholism as a coping mechanism after her traumatic experiences, which affects her family and personal life.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties or to overcome adversity. Despite the challenges she faces, the narrator demonstrates resilience by seeking therapy, overcoming her addiction, and returning to education and work, ultimately finding a 'new normal'.

💡Identity

Identity refers to the characteristics determining who or what a person or thing is. The narrator's identity as a Puerto Rican woman from the Bronx is central to her story, as it shapes her experiences and how she is perceived and treated in the military and beyond.

Highlights

Growing up in New York as a Bronx girl, the speaker experienced a cultural melting pot where everyone's culture was respected and racism was not part of her vocabulary.

Joining the military in the '90s, the speaker encountered a more Caucasian-dominant environment with middle-aged White men and women trying to prove themselves.

As a Puerto Rican woman from the Bronx, the speaker felt like a target due to her boisterous and vivacious personality, and faced racially charged treatment.

The speaker's pride and honor in joining the Navy were overshadowed by the harsh reality of being sexually assaulted twice, leading to PTSD.

The first sexual assault occurred in Illinois at Great Lakes, marked by racial overtones and intense emotional turmoil.

Feeling shame and failure upon returning home, the speaker struggled with heavy drinking, consuming a fifth of vodka daily.

Cultural norms dictated respect for parents, but the speaker's outburst against her mother indicated a deeper issue.

The speaker's mother insisted she leave home to protect her younger sister, recognizing the speaker's deteriorating state.

Pregnancy prompted the speaker to stop drinking and attempt to regain control over her life.

After returning to work and facing stress, the speaker relapsed into heavy drinking, prompting her mother to seek professional help.

EMDR therapy allowed the speaker to process her trauma, addressing the root of her bitterness and anger.

The EMDR process helped the speaker to compartmentalize her trauma, allowing her to move forward emotionally.

The speaker was able to resume her life, complete her education, and find a new normal after overcoming her trauma.

Now engaged to be married, the speaker has reclaimed her identity and used her experiences to shape who she is today.

Transcripts

I'm a native New Yorker, I'm a Bronx girl.

And if you know anything about New York,

it's a cultural melting pot

where we respected everyone's culture.

Racism doesn't exist in my vocabulary.

When I joined the military,

I knew that I was gonna have certain experiences,

but how I was treated as a Hispanic woman,

it was almost like I was less than.

When I joined the military in the '90s,

it was a more Caucasian-dominant,

what we called salty old dogs,

middle-aged White Caucasian men,

or White Caucasian women that had a point to prove,

that they measure up to their counterpart.

So here I am, this boisterous, vivacious,

Puerto Rican girl from the Bronx.

And man, I was the biggest target ever,

because my tone of voice was wrong,

how I spoke was wrong.

It was racially charged.

When I decided to join the Navy, I had such pride and honor.

I was gonna be a lifer, I was gonna do 20 years.

I think I did four years, 10 months, and some change.

I was sexually assaulted twice.

So I have PTSD from that.

(bicycle chain whirring)

And my first sexual assault happened when I was in Illinois,

in Great Lakes.

Yes, it was racially charged.

When I think of the assailants,

there was so many emotions

I just did not know how to deal with them.

I felt such shame.

And when I came home,

it was like I had failed.

I felt lost.

I was pretty much drinking a fifth of vodka a day,

tossing it back like water.

I mean, in my culture, we don't disrespect our parents.

And the first time I had that outburst

where I said the most nastiest things to my mother (sobs),

I knew then, there was something really wrong,

'cause they didn't deserve that.

My younger sister was maybe about 10 or 12 years old,

and I understand why my mother said,

"Okay, no, pack your stuff,

and you gotta get out,

because if I'm gonna lose you three sheets to the wind,

I can't lose her as well."

Once I found out that I was pregnant, I stopped drinking.

I was like, okay, I gotta get my shit together.

I had my daughter.

But then once I went back to work,

and the stress of working, I went right back to the bottle.

My mom looked at me and she said,

"Okay, Marlene, enough, we gotta get you in."

So with EMDR, I was able to process

a lot of the trauma,

and we actually got to the heart of where my bitterness,

and anger came from.

And once we went through that process, oh my God,

it it was almost like, here's the trauma,

here's an envelope, put it in the envelope,

and we sealed it, it's done.

The trauma's happened, you can never forget it,

but the emotions attached to it is what we deal with.

So EMDR helps you, I don't wanna say detach,

but kind of process those emotions, understand what that is,

and then put it to bed.

Not only was I able to live again,

I was able to go back to school, get my degree.

I'm engaged to be married now.

I have found my new normal.

I have been able to come back to who I am,

and these experiences that I've had

has made me the woman I am today.