How to attract what you want by NOT focusing on it
Summary
TLDRThe speaker explores the concept of detachment from outcomes, reflecting on personal development and the realization that goals can sometimes hinder true progress. They share their journey through therapy and self-awareness, emphasizing the importance of valuing effort over results. The video encourages viewers to celebrate internal growth and to recognize that self-worth should not be tied to external achievements, advocating for a shift in focus from outcomes to the process of striving and growing.
Takeaways
- đ€ The concept of detachment from outcomes is explored, suggesting that being overly attached to goals can negatively impact one's life.
- đŻ The speaker admits to having a disconnect between their intellectual understanding of detachment and their emotional experience.
- đïž Personal development and the journey of life are emphasized over specific destinations or achievements.
- đĄ The speaker discusses their past struggles with emotional regulation, suppressed anger, and the need for validation from others.
- đ The realization that wanting something intensely can often push it further away, as seen in the example of wanting a girlfriend.
- đ« The potential harm in setting goals that are tied to one's self-esteem, leading to negative feelings when outcomes are not met.
- đ The difference between athletes who are devastated by not winning and those who are joyful regardless of the outcome, suggesting a healthier approach to goals.
- đĄ The importance of focusing on effort and process over outcomes, as influenced by the teachings of former college basketball coach John Wooden.
- đ The speaker's shift in perspective from valuing outcomes to valifying effort, leading to a healthier self-worth.
- đ¶ The recommendation to explore 'inner child work' or 'shadow work' to understand and heal emotional wounds that may be affecting one's attachment to outcomes.
- đ The encouragement to celebrate internal growth and effort, rather than just outcomes, as a way to build self-worth and a healthier relationship with goals.
Q & A
What is the main theme discussed in the video script?
-The main theme discussed is the concept of detachment from outcomes and how goals can be detrimental if one's self-worth is intrinsically tied to the results of those goals.
Why does the speaker believe that being attached to outcomes can be harmful?
-The speaker believes that being attached to outcomes can be harmful because it can lead to emotional distress when goals are not met, and it can also overshadow the value of the journey and the effort put into achieving those goals.
What personal experiences does the speaker share regarding their struggle with detachment?
-The speaker shares that they have struggled with emotional regulation and have a history of comparing themselves to others, needing validation, and feeling that their life would only improve with certain achievements.
What advice does the speaker give for those who find their self-worth tied to outcomes?
-The speaker suggests exploring inner child work or shadow work, which involves examining emotional wounds and traumas from childhood that may be influencing one's attachment to outcomes.
How does the speaker suggest celebrating personal growth?
-The speaker suggests celebrating the effort and the process of personal growth, such as creating a video or having a meaningful conversation, rather than just celebrating the outcomes or results.
What is the significance of the phrase 'life is a journey, not a destination' in the context of the script?
-The phrase 'life is a journey, not a destination' is significant because it emphasizes the importance of enjoying the process of life and personal development over solely focusing on the end goals.
What does the speaker mean by 'detaching from outcomes'?
-Detaching from outcomes means not letting one's happiness or self-worth be dependent on the results of their goals or efforts, but rather finding contentment in the journey and the actions taken.
Why does the speaker mention John Wooden's philosophy on coaching?
-The speaker mentions John Wooden's philosophy to illustrate the idea that it's more important to focus on the effort and the internal growth of individuals rather than just the external results or outcomes.
What is the speaker's view on setting and pursuing goals?
-The speaker believes that goals are good and it's important to strive and achieve, but one should not let their self-worth be entirely dependent on the achievement of those goals.
How does the speaker suggest one can work on their inner child or shadow?
-The speaker suggests exploring one's inner child or shadow through activities like inner child meditation, using workbooks, or working with a therapist or coach specializing in such work.
Outlines
đ The Paradox of Goal Pursuit and Self-Detachment
The speaker explores the idea that goals might be detrimental to personal well-being, questioning the true desires behind goal-setting and the impact of attachment to outcomes. They share their journey of personal development, highlighting the incongruity between their intellectual understanding of detachment and their emotional reality. The speaker discusses their past struggles with emotional regulation, suppressed anger, and the need for validation, which led them to therapy and a men's group. They suggest that the pursuit of goals can be harmful when self-esteem is tied to the achievement of those goals, sharing personal anecdotes about how desire can repel what is sought and how letting go can lead to attraction.
đ The Olympics of Self-Worth: Winning Isn't Everything
This paragraph delves into the difference between athletes who are devastated by not winning a medal and those who are still joyful despite the same outcome. The speaker hypothesizes that this disparity may stem from childhood experiences and parental expectations, which could have led to an unhealthy drive for achievement. They argue that goals themselves are not bad, but become problematic when self-worth is intrinsically linked to the outcome. The speaker references John Wooden's philosophy on valuing effort over outcome and shares their own shift in perspective from focusing on results to valuing personal growth and effort.
đ± Celebrating Growth Over Outcomes: A New Perspective
The speaker encourages embracing a mindset that celebrates internal growth and effort rather than external outcomes. They recommend engaging in inner child or shadow work to heal emotional wounds and traumas that may be affecting one's self-worth. The speaker also suggests celebrating every act of growth, such as completing a video or creating a presentation, as a way to build self-esteem independent of outcomes. They share their personal experiences of celebrating their congruent actions and the importance of being present and engaged in life's moments, regardless of their outcome.
đ Embracing the Human Being, Not the Human Doing
In the concluding paragraph, the speaker invites viewers to reflect on the video's content and share their thoughts, emphasizing the importance of focusing on being rather than doing. They encourage viewers to continue striving for goals and fulfilling their potential while celebrating the effort put into the journey. The speaker reminds us that we should value our character and spiritual growth over the results we achieve, as these are the aspects of life that we have control over and that truly define our worth.
Mindmap
Keywords
đĄDetachment
đĄPersonal Development
đĄEmotional Regulation
đĄSelf-Esteem
đĄInner Child Work
đĄSelf-Worth
đĄGoal Attainment
đĄValidation
đĄAwareness
đĄCelebration
đĄHuman Beings vs. Human Doings
Highlights
The concept of detachment from outcomes in personal development.
The struggle with emotional regulation and the journey through therapy and men's group.
The realization of suppressed anger and the need for validation from others.
The paradox of wanting something intensely and it becoming further away.
The idea that goals might be detrimental if they affect one's self-worth.
The distinction between healthy striving and unhealthy need for achievement.
The story of an athlete's devastation versus another's joy despite not winning a medal.
The importance of self-worth not being tied to the outcome of goals.
John Wooden's philosophy on valuing effort over the scoreboard.
The personal shift from outcome-based self-esteem to effort-based self-worth.
The recommendation to explore inner child work or shadow work for emotional healing.
The suggestion to celebrate internal growth and effort rather than outcomes.
The personal anecdote of celebrating the creation of a new video series.
The advice on celebrating the effort in work and personal life, not just the results.
The realization of the importance of character and spiritual growth over external achievements.
The metaphor of being 'human beings' versus 'human doings' and its implications.
The closing message on the significance of effort and true potential fulfillment.
Transcripts
what if
goals are actually really bad for
you what if the thing that you think you
want isn't what you really
want and that by wanting it what if what
if it's actually making your life
worse something I've been uh spending a
lot of time um studying over the past
year is this concept of detachment
and by that I mean detach myself from
outcomes you see for as long as I can
remember I've been that I've been into
personal development I've been able to
intellectualize detaching from
outcomes in a way that sounds really
articulate in a way that resonates with
my clients but
fundamentally has been a complete in
congruent lie within
me you see I'm the first person and I'm
sure you've heard this saying before you
know it life is a journey not a
destination And yet when I don't get to
a particular destination in a particular
perceived uh period in time even if I've
just said that phrase there's a part of
me that's annoyed and agitated that I
haven't achieved a desired
result and the amazing thing is over the
past couple of years for those of you
that don't know um my story just without
going into the the full gory details but
around two years ago I was in a really
dark place and um I started having
therapy um I then joined a men's
group and that helped me to um see that
one of the issues I was having Within
Myself is an inability to emotionally
regulate and speak about what I'm
feeling I had a lot of suppressed
anger um I was very very highly
unconsciously
um comparing myself to other people had
a really really high need for other
people to validate me and approve of me
something that's still present in my
life by the way it isn't something that
I'm saying I'm free from um but it's
something that I'm aware of and I always
say 90% awareness is 90% of the
challenge
right but what if this concept what if
this what if these goals that you pursue
what if they're actually making your
life worse
because here's what I found
about achieving and doing and having and
wanting is the more you want something I
found that the more I want something if
I've gotone into a NE like into a if
I've had any sort of energy that my life
will be better by having this
thing for some strange Universal reason
if you don't believe in the the universe
then forgive me but I don't know maybe
you can relate I've had this experience
where if I've had an
over need or desire like basically the
hungrier I've been for something like
the more needy I've been for something
the
less the further away it's
been like when I couldn't get a
girlfriend I I when I desperately wanted
a girlfriend I couldn't get one
and then when I stopped
trying I seem to I seem to attract
attract them making myself sound like
I'm some kind of pimp but hopefully you
get the
point so what if this wanting and
needing and goal attainment is actually
holding you back and here's why you see
there's nothing fundamentally wrong with
going for goals there's nothing
fundamentally wrong with going for goals
cuz in case you're listening to this
thinking well if I don't have a goal
what's the point of
living I believe goals are at the core
are good here's where goals are
bad you see from my experience I found
that goals are
bad when your
selfesteem is intrinsically tied into
the
result so if you've ever had the
experience of achieving a result in your
life and
feeling infinitely better about yourself
like if you've ever done something great
and felt infinitely better about
yourself because of the
result but then if you've done something
where you've really given 100% but
haven't got the result you've wanted and
haven't felt good about
yourself that is an indicator that your
selfworth is intrinsically tied into the
result
so for
example the athlete trains for years to
get to the
Olympics and they get to the final of
their Olympic
competition and they don't win a
medal and they're
devastated but then somebody else in the
race also does not win a medal but is
overjoyed
what is the
difference you could say well the first
person has higher standards than the
second person the first person is a high
achiever and expects to win and and that
and that need to win is is a good
thing what if it
isn't what if the thing that's driving
them isn't actually
healthy what if the thing that that's
driving them is they had a tough
childhood and they had a they had a a
parent or a set of parents who pushed
them so hard to compete and to
win that nothing was ever enough and
that they would only get their parents'
love an acceptance if they were winning
and
achieving and what if they've carried
that into their Sport and now it's
become so out of
balance that they can't differentiate
between giving
100% fulfilling their true
potential and winning a
medal see I don't think goals are
fundamentally bad
unless unless our selfworth is
intrinsically tied into the outcome and
the
result you see it's really easily to sit
here and intellectualize that life is a
journey do a
destination but if you know you've ever
had that experience of getting to a
destination and being like is this all
there
is then you know that you
are putting your self-esteem and your
selfworth too much in the outcome and
not in the
effort I think the uh former college
basketball coach John Wooden always used
to say that he didn't care about the
scoreboard he cared more about the
internal score of his
players meaning he couldn't control the
score because he couldn't control how
the other team performed but he could
control or he he could influence how his
team
performed and if those players came off
didn't give 100% And won he wouldn't
give them praise like he would give them
praise if they came off the court and
lost but they knew in their hearts and
souls that they gave it everything that
they got
you see for most of my adult life I've
had my self-esteem and selfworth too
intrinsically tied in to the
outcome to the
result and slowly over the past year
that's started to change and I've only
found one way that that can
fundamentally change and that goes back
to something as a theme in these videos
these new videos I've been doing which
is going back into the point where in
your life timeline you first had that
experience of not being enough unless
you achieved a specific
outcome so for example you know you may
call that inner child work or Shadow
work which is the concept of going into
your childhood and exploring whether
that's with a therapist I currently have
an inner child coach that I'm working
with we're doing some some really really
powerful stuff around uh wounds
emotional wounds
trauma
um and
it's amazing the more and more I do of
this the higher myelf worth is the
higher my sense of selfworth
is and the less I'm attached to the
outcome but just to clarify I still have
outcomes I still have
goals but I know that that's not the
most important thing because I can plant
the seed but I can't guarantee that it's
going to bear fruit cuz I can't control
the can't control the
weather I can control the sails but I
can't control the
wind Mike Tyson says everyone's got a
plan till they get punched in the
face I love that saying it's a great
saying so one of the things I recommend
to you if you're not currently exploring
any kind of inner child work and this
video is resonated with you then I
recommend you minimum go on YouTube and
punch in inner child meditation and just
sit for 10 minutes and just follow the
guided prompts and see what comes up for
you second to that maybe get yourself an
inner child workbook or a shadow
workbook and explore some of the answers
that come up powerful powerful process
um if you want to have a conversation
with me about inner child work and
coaching I'd be more than happy to have
a conversation with
you um and another thing I recommend as
well which has been really powerful for
me is to every time you do something
that you think constitutes growth like
as in internal growth
celebrate like whatever it is like
celebrate like when I've now I've
started to get in this habit of new
videos which feels like they feel like
the most congruent videos I've ever done
like I used to do videos years ago I'd
kind of be jumping around in my kitchen
and it was nice but it wasn't congruent
because there was days where I was not
feeling that energy and it it didn't
feel congruent it felt
very high energy and kind of all over
the place
frankly and these new videos I'm doing
they feel more congruent they feel more
me and so I'm starting to celebrate you
know when I finish this video I'm
literally going to you know um open a
bottle of champagne and get out the
party streamers and the neighbors are
going to I'm
kidding but I'll celebrate I celebrate
these videos I created a new uh web
event this week a webinar for those of
you that don't know the technical terms
an online presentation and I celebrated
that the creation of that I was proud of
that um I had a new person enroll in our
program
yesterday and the old told me would have
celebrated
that and the interesting thing is I
didn't feel inclined to celebrate that
because the because that was an
outcome and as as weird as it may sound
I find myself celebrating outcomes less
because I just it doesn't feel as
healthy for me to celebrate outcomes it
feels much healthier for me to celebrate
input like so doing some work doing a VI
creating a video um
creating a new
presentation um those kind of things I
had a powerful uh a powerful uh sales
call earlier and I I really felt like I
was in the flow I was congruent and the
person
enrolled I celebrate not the sale but
the the the energy and how I showed up
and I was really praising this person
for for their values and their integrity
and their reasons for wanting to enroll
in the program and that felt really
congruent it felt really nice I was
really pleased that they were joining
not for the sale but because I was like
this is going to be really good for this
person and I felt really proud that I
created the space where I was so present
with them that I could um celebrate them
and just just just
be I celebrate the fact that I had work
planned to do this afternoon but um sat
and sagra at a party and Zen was poorly
and I was with him and I was fully
present the old me would have been
frustrated that I was behind on work but
behind on work for what I was looking
after my semi- poorly son right I was
whereas the old me would have said that
was not work so that's not enough I have
to be achieving in the eyes of other
people for me to feel
enough and me just just being a dad
wasn't
enough but that's not the case anymore
now I recognize
how my character growth spiritual growth
emotional growth is the most important
thing and as eart to says I mentioned
this yesterday we're called human beings
but we live often like we're human
doings so keep keep going for
goals keep achieving keep striving keep
showing up keep fulfilling your true
potential keep giving it
100% but celebrate the
work celebrate the effort
more than you celebrate the
result because as I said earlier you can
control the sales but you can't control
the wind you can only thing that you can
control is your effort and at the end of
the day if you know that you've given
your heart and soul today if you know
that you've filled your true potential
if you know that you've given the
absolute essence of everything that God
gave you
today then you're enough
on that we're going to
end hope you enjoyed today's video as
always um love to hear your comments
thoughts and um and what this is um what
this video means for you um if it needs
to be private reply I'm cool with that
um love it if you comment in the thread
below make sure you subscribe for
notifications of future videos and um
yeah have a great rest of the day I'll
see you next time take care
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)