5 conversation skills that enhance your rational brain | Irshad Manji

Summary

In this insightful talk, Irshad Manji emphasizes the importance of navigating diversity constructively to unite rather than divide society. She shares five practical skills to reduce emotional defenses and foster productive dialogues on contentious issues. These include deep breathing, creating common ground, asking sincere questions, listening to learn, and encouraging further explanation. Manji's approach is grounded in behavioral science, aiming to transform debates into collaborative problem-solving.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Diversity is a natural part of life, not a construct, and we have the choice to use it for division or unity.
• 🧠 Our brains are wired to scan for threats, which can make us defensive when encountering differing viewpoints.
• 🔍 The problem with labels is that they oversimplify and fail to recognize the dynamic nature of human beings.
• 🤝 To foster constructive conversations, it's important to recognize and relate to our shared humanity.
• 👩‍🏫 Irshad Manji introduces five skills to reduce emotional defenses and turn contentious issues into productive dialogues.
• 💪 Being a 'culture warrior' often leads to unproductive debates and a lack of progress in understanding or resolving issues.
• 🌱 Engaging with others requires a skill set that helps us understand their perspectives and be understood in return.
• 🫁 Deep breathing can help transition our thinking from an emotional to a more cognitive state, facilitating better conversations.
• 🔄 Seek and create common ground proactively to unify before diving into differences.
• ❓ Asking sincere questions before stating your own position can build credibility and foster a culture of inquiry.
• 👂 Listening to learn, rather than to win, can significantly change the outcome of a conversation.
• 🗣️ Encouraging others to 'tell me more' can open up deeper understanding and collaboration, as demonstrated by the police officer's response to being called a token.

Q & A

What is the core message of the speaker, Irshad Manji, in the transcript?

The core message is that diversity is a fact of life and should be used to bring people together rather than to divide society. She emphasizes the importance of reducing emotional defenses and turning contentious issues into constructive conversations for collective action.

How does Irshad Manji describe the human brain's reaction to differing points of view?

She explains that our brains are wired to scan for threats, and when we encounter views that differ from our own, our primitive brain can trigger stress and defensiveness, leading us to react negatively rather than engage constructively.

What is the issue with labeling people according to their political affiliations?

The problem with labels is that they oversimplify and stereotype individuals, ignoring the fact that human beings are dynamic and constantly evolving. This can hinder understanding and meaningful dialogue.

Why did Irshad Manji refer to herself as a 'culture warrior' in the past?

She used the term 'culture warrior' to describe her previous approach to discussions, where she was combative and focused on winning arguments rather than fostering understanding and constructive dialogue.

What is the significance of the speaker's statement about not giving others an incentive to change?

She implies that if we only aim to assert our own views and do not create an environment where others feel heard and valued, they will have no reason to consider alternative perspectives or change their stance.

What are the five skills Irshad Manji suggests to reduce emotional defenses and foster constructive conversations?

The five skills are: 1) Breathe deeply, 2) Proactively create common ground, 3) Ask sincere questions before stating your position, 4) Listen to learn rather than to win, and 5) Ask for more information by saying 'Tell me more.'

Why is deep breathing recommended as the first skill to reduce emotional defenses?

Deep breathing helps to transition the brain from the hyperemotional state to the prefrontal cortex, where cognition and emotion can coexist, thus facilitating a more rational and less reactive state of mind.

How does creating common ground before diving into differences contribute to constructive conversations?

By acknowledging and finding commonalities, individuals can approach discussions with a sense of unity and mutual respect, making it easier to navigate differences without triggering defensiveness.

What is the purpose of asking a sincere question before stating your own position?

Asking a sincere question shows openness to understanding the other person's perspective, which can build trust and credibility, allowing for a more balanced and productive exchange of ideas.

Why is it important to listen to learn rather than to win during a conversation?

Listening to learn demonstrates a genuine desire to understand the other person's viewpoint, which can lead to more insightful and empathetic dialogue, as opposed to listening with the intent to find flaws and counterarguments.

Can you provide an example from the transcript where the skill of asking 'Tell me more' led to a positive outcome?

The example of the deputy superintendent of police at a town hall meeting demonstrates how asking 'Tell me more' after being accused of being a token led to an apology and subsequent collaboration on a solution.

How does Irshad Manji connect the skills she teaches to behavioral science?

She implies that these skills are not just theoretical but are informed by behavioral science, suggesting that they are evidence-based strategies for improving communication and fostering understanding.

What is the final question Irshad Manji poses to the audience, and what is its significance?

The final question is 'What am I really in this for? Am I in it to solve the problem, or am I in it to feel morally superior?' It challenges the audience to reflect on their motivations for engaging in conversations, emphasizing the importance of seeking solutions over personal validation.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Embracing Diversity for Constructive Conversations

The speaker, Irshad Manji, opens by emphasizing the inherent nature of diversity and poses a critical question about whether we utilize it to divide or unite society. She discusses the human brain's instinctive reaction to perceive threats, which can lead to defensiveness and conflict when encountering differing viewpoints. Manji reflects on her past as a 'culture warrior' and acknowledges the ineffectiveness of her confrontational approach. She introduces the concept of using skills to reduce emotional defenses and transform contentious issues into constructive dialogues. The first two skills she presents are deep breathing to facilitate cognitive transition and proactively creating common ground to foster understanding and unity.

05:02

🗣️ The Art of Inquiry Over Inquisition

In this paragraph, Manji continues her discourse on effective communication by introducing the third skill: asking sincere questions to understand others' perspectives. This approach not only builds credibility but also encourages a culture of inquiry rather than inquisition. The fourth skill involves genuine listening, distinguishing between listening to win an argument and listening to learn. Manji stresses the importance of approaching conversations with an open mind, ready to be educated rather than to persuade. The final skill is to ask for more information by saying 'Tell me more,' which she illustrates with a story of a police officer who, instead of reacting defensively, engaged with a hostile activist to find common ground. This story exemplifies how these skills are grounded in behavioral science and can lead to positive outcomes in contentious discussions. Manji concludes by urging individuals to reflect on their motivations for engaging in dialogues—whether to solve problems or to assert moral superiority—and encourages making wise choices.

Keywords

💡Diversity

Diversity refers to the variety of differences among people, including race, ethnicity, gender, age, and beliefs. In the video, diversity is presented as a natural fact of life rather than a human construct. The speaker challenges the audience to consider whether diversity will be a force that divides society or one that unites it, emphasizing the importance of embracing differences to build a stronger community.

💡Emotional defenses

Emotional defenses are psychological mechanisms that individuals employ to protect themselves from stress or anxiety, often in response to perceived threats or differing viewpoints. The video discusses how these defenses can hinder constructive dialogue, as they can make people feel more stressed and defensive, leading to reactive rather than reflective responses.

💡Stress

Stress is a physical and emotional response to demanding or threatening situations. The script mentions that under stress, people tend to breathe shallowly, which can impair cognitive function and emotional regulation. The speaker suggests deep breathing as a method to reduce stress and facilitate more thoughtful engagement with others.

💡Perspective

Perspective refers to a person's point of view or the way they interpret information. The video script emphasizes the importance of understanding and respecting different perspectives to foster constructive conversations. It points out the limitations of dismissing others based on labels or preconceived notions.

💡Labels

Labels are simplistic terms used to categorize people or ideas, often reducing complex identities to a single characteristic. In the video, the speaker criticizes the use of labels because they can oversimplify human beings who are constantly evolving and can lead to divisiveness rather than understanding.

💡Evolution

Evolution in this context refers to the process of change and development, both individually and collectively. The script uses the term to highlight that people are not static and that their views and identities can shift over time. This concept is central to the video's message about the need for dynamic and open-minded engagement with others.

💡Constructive conversations

Constructive conversations are discussions that aim to build understanding and find solutions, rather than merely arguing for the sake of winning. The video presents five skills to facilitate such conversations, emphasizing the importance of reducing emotional defenses and focusing on shared humanity.

💡Toolkit

A toolkit, in the context of the video, refers to a set of skills or strategies that individuals can use to navigate complex social interactions. The speaker introduces a 'toolkit' of five skills designed to help people engage with others in a way that promotes understanding and collaboration.

💡Common ground

Common ground is the shared beliefs, values, or interests that can serve as a foundation for agreement or cooperation. The video encourages proactively creating common ground rather than assuming it will be found naturally, as a means to bridge differences and facilitate dialogue.

💡Inquiry

Inquiry, in the video, represents an open-minded and curious approach to learning from others, as opposed to an inquisition, which implies a more confrontational and accusatory stance. The speaker advocates for a culture of inquiry to foster genuine understanding and respect for different viewpoints.

💡Behavioral science

Behavioral science is an interdisciplinary field that studies human behavior and the processes underlying it. The video script mentions that the skills discussed are informed by behavioral science, suggesting that they are based on empirical research and psychological principles, which lend credibility to their effectiveness.

Highlights

Diversity is a fact of life, not a human construct.

The choice is to use diversity to either rip society apart or to stitch it together.

Humans are born with a brain that scans for threats, causing stress and defensiveness when encountering differing viewpoints.

The ideological spectrum is rife with labels that hinder understanding and promote division.

Labels are problematic because they oversimplify the dynamic nature of human beings.

Recognizing humanity is key to solving problems and bringing people together.

Irshad Manji introduces five skills to reduce emotional defenses and foster constructive conversations.

Manji's past as a 'culture warrior' led to unproductive debates rather than discussions.

Winning an argument does not equate to moving the needle on societal issues.

Engagement requires understanding others' perspectives and being understood.

Skill one: Deep breathing to transition from emotional to cognitive thinking.

Skill two: Proactively create common ground before diving into differences.

Skill three: Ask sincere questions to understand others' viewpoints before stating your own.

Skill four: Listen to learn, not to win, by being open to the other's perspective.

Skill five: Encourage further discussion with 'Tell me more' to deepen understanding.

A real-world example demonstrates the effectiveness of 'Tell me more' in diffusing conflict.

Behavioral science informs these skills, which aim to increase the chances of healthy outcomes in contentious conversations.

The ultimate question is whether one's intention is to solve the problem or to feel morally superior.

Transcripts

- Diversity is not a human construct–

it is a fact of life.

The question is:

Are we going to use it to rip society apart?

Or are we going to deploy it to stitch society together?

All of us as human beings,

we are born with a brain

that is scanning for threats five times a second.

And so, when we encounter points of view

that differ from our own,

that primitive brain makes us feel

more stressed and more defensive than we mean to be,

and that, in turn, makes us want to lash back.

And we're doing this

right across the ideological spectrum now.

"You're a Democrat. I have nothing more to say to you

because we're obviously going to disagree."

"Oh, you're a Republican:

You are evil, and that's all I need to know."

The problem with labels is not that they are labels;

the problem is that we human beings are not static.

We are constantly evolving, regressing, evolving some more,

and what that means is the way to bring people together,

to actually solve nagging problems,

is to recognize that humanity.

Not exploit it, but in fact, relate to it.

My name is Irshad Manji.

And today, I'll teach you five really simple skills

that reduce emotional defenses

to turn contentious issues into constructive conversations

for the sake of taking action together.

I was what we'd call today, a "culture warrior."

- 'Ladies and gentlemen, Irshad Manji.'

- And I would turn potentially healthy discussions,

into noxious debates.

'Is your organization also reaching out to mosques

and asking them, in fact, demanding of them-'

Because I had to win, because I was right,

and because I was right, they were wrong.

'Very big difference, in that respect.'

'But, but you see, this is where support-'

'But why do I have to push you to give them credit?'

Was I moving the needle? Hell no!

I was, actually, making my critics

more defensive and dogmatic.

- 'We will be back for another head-to-head.'

- If all you want to do is thump your chest,

and throw your hands up in victory,

and claim that you've slam-dunked your other–

all right.

But then understand,

that you have zero credibility complaining

that the so-called other side isn't changing.

'Cause guess what?

You haven't given them any incentive to change.

To engage, actually takes a set of skills–

a tool kit that equips us to do two things:

Understand where other people are coming from,

and be understood for where we are coming from.

And shift the paradigm from either/or, to both/and.

Skill number one: Breathe, but breathe deeply.

Yes, I know you can roll your eyes at this,

it sounds airy-fairy.

But when we breathe deeply, we do something very different

than we tend to do as humans under stress.

Under stress, we become very shallow breathers.

That deprives my own brain of the oxygen that it needs

to transition from the hyperemotional ego region,

to the much more evolved prefrontal cortex,

where cognition and emotion can coexist.

Skill number two: Don't merely seek common ground,

proactively create it.

Instead of leaving it up to chance that maybe, just maybe,

we'll find something that unifies us

before we dive into our differences,

try saying, "Look, I know that you and I

are gonna disagree about this issue, but I also know

that you are so much more than just this issue.

Can you remember the same about me?"

Skill number three:

Before stating where you're coming from,

ask a sincere question.

Be the leader that doesn't need to be right instantly,

or even all the time.

Ask them, "What do you think I'm missing

about where you're coming from?"

"Be my teacher."

That gives me then the credibility

to be your teacher later on.

You are modeling what it is to build the kind of culture

that makes for inquiry, rather than inquisition.

Skill number four: Having now asked a question,

what are you gonna do?

Well, of course you're gonna listen–

or are you?

There are at least two ways to listen:

You can listen to win, or you can listen to learn.

So, how do you tell the difference between the two?

Very easily.

If I'm listening to win, then in the back of my head,

I'm poking holes in the other's arguments.

I'm not really trying to learn from that argument.

But when I go in with the mindset that,

"I have something to learn;

that I'm not here to change your mind–

quite the opposite.

I hope you're gonna change mine

because maybe I don't get it."

When you can sincerely show that this is not a tactic,

it's not a tool to manipulate,

that's when you're listening to learn.

Which brings us to the fifth skill:

Ask another question.

But this time, start with three simple words,

"Tell me more."

I'll tell you about a recent instance

in which this produced great results:

A deputy superintendent of police

was at a raucous town hall meeting about homelessness.

Activists was yelling at the city councilors.

City councilors were not motivated to listen.

The police officer approaches her to say,

"Listen, I think we can work something out.

Here's my card, call me."

She looks at him. He happened to be a man of color.

And she said, "You're nothing but a token."

And instead of merely reacting to her,

he responded, "Tell me more."

She didn't know what to do with that.

She expected belligerence. He didn't give it to her.

She took his card, and a week later, she called.

And she apologized, "I saw your uniform, I'm sorry.

I assumed about you what I shouldn't have."

And he quickly and graciously accepted,

and they moved on to work together on a solution.

So, none of this is merely theoretical–

it is informed by behavioral science.

Does that mean that you practice one of these skills

and handholding harmony will break out?

Obviously, not.

But what you are doing is habituating yourself

into a way of being that, at the very least,

will exponentially increase the chances

of healthy outcomes to contentious conversations–

that assumes you want healthy outcomes.

So, I bring it back

to probably the most uncomfortable question

that we always need to ask:

What am I really in this for?

Am I in it to solve the problem?

Or am I in it to feel morally superior?

Only you can decide–

choose wisely.