Relocation-the woes, the grows and glows | Lisl Foss | TEDxALC
Summary
TLDRThe speaker candidly shares their experience of relocating to Mauritius, highlighting the emotional turmoil of adapting to a new environment. They discuss the initial excitement, the subsequent challenges of loneliness and fear, and the eventual personal growth that comes with overcoming these obstacles. The script emphasizes the transformative power of relocation, offering insights into building resilience, forming new relationships, and embracing a fresh start, while also acknowledging the stress it can cause.
Takeaways
- 🏠 Relocation can be a highly disruptive experience, even when it's a change we desire and actively pursue.
- 🌏 Moving to a new place strips us of the familiar, leading to disorientation and a longing for the predictability and control we had before.
- 🌙 The initial excitement of a new place can fade, leaving feelings of tiredness, depression, and confusion, questioning the decision to relocate.
- 🤔 There are predictable patterns of adjustment challenges that most people go through when moving to a new place.
- 🛌 The first nights in a new place can be particularly difficult, filled with dread and fear of the unknown.
- 🏡 Loneliness and fear are common during the early days of relocation, with worries about work, making friends, and the life left behind.
- 🔄 Relocation can bring up unresolved losses from the past, making adjustment harder and creating a mental noise that complicates new obligations.
- 💪 Despite the challenges, relocation can lead to personal growth, making us more flexible, resilient, and resourceful.
- 🌱 The process of moving can heal parts of ourselves that only emerge during significant change, teaching us to be more independent.
- 🤝 Relocation can strengthen relationships, both new and existing, through shared vulnerability and the need for support.
- 🌈 There is a 'glow' of relocation, where the challenges faced pave the way for personal expansion and a fresh start in life.
- 🧘♂️ Learning to stay in the present and experience life moment by moment is crucial during the relocation process, as it helps in managing stress and anxiety.
Q & A
Why does the speaker feel that relocating to a new place can be so disruptive?
-The speaker feels that relocating to a new place is disruptive because it involves leaving behind a familiar life with family, friends, and a career, and starting anew in an unfamiliar environment, which can lead to feelings of disorientation, loneliness, and emotional challenges.
What was the speaker's initial experience after moving to Mauritius?
-The speaker's initial experience in Mauritius was challenging, with the honeymoon phase ending after eight months, leading to feelings of tiredness, depression, demotivation, and confusion.
What patterns of adjustment challenges did the speaker find during their research?
-The speaker found predictable patterns of adjustment challenges during relocation, which include feelings of loneliness, fear, and the pressure to adapt quickly, as well as the potential for personal growth and resilience.
How did the speaker's first night in Mauritius affect their perception of the move?
-The speaker's first night in Mauritius was filled with dread and sleepless hours, causing them to question their decision to relocate and feel overwhelmed by the newness of their surroundings.
What emotions did the speaker experience during the early days of relocation?
-During the early days of relocation, the speaker experienced loneliness, fear, isolation, and emotional numbness, which led to feelings of confusion and disconnection.
How did the speaker cope with the unreliable Wi-Fi in their residence in Mauritius?
-The speaker coped with the unreliable Wi-Fi by spending hours in the bathroom, which had the best Wi-Fi signal, to communicate with people back home, providing a sense of connection and support.
What positive outcomes did the speaker identify as a result of relocation?
-The speaker identified several positive outcomes of relocation, such as increased flexibility, development of new skills, emotional healing, and the opportunity to build new relationships and deepen existing ones.
How did the speaker's experience of living alone in Mauritius contribute to personal growth?
-Living alone in Mauritius initially made the speaker anxious, but they learned to enjoy their own company, appreciate the peace and quiet, and became more independent emotionally, physically, and financially.
What advice does the speaker give for managing the process of relocation?
-The speaker advises to remember one's courage, cultivate a sense of adventure, be gentle with oneself, accept help, maintain important relationships, focus on the present, and allow oneself to feel and let go of the sadness of things left behind.
What does the speaker mean by the 'glows of relocation'?
-The 'glows of relocation' refer to the positive aspects that can emerge after the initial challenges of relocation, such as forming lifelong friendships, deepening existing relationships, experiencing personal growth, and enjoying a fresh start in life.
How does the speaker describe the process of emotional decluttering during relocation?
-The speaker describes emotional decluttering as the process of no longer defining oneself in terms of their previous life, which creates internal space for new qualities to emerge and allows for personal change and growth.
Outlines
😔 Emotional Challenges of Relocation
The speaker begins by sharing their personal experience of moving to Mauritius, highlighting the emotional turmoil that can accompany such a significant life change. They discuss the initial excitement that eventually fades, leading to feelings of depression, demotivation, and confusion. The speaker also touches on the universality of these feelings, suggesting that they are part of predictable patterns experienced by most people who relocate. The summary of this paragraph emphasizes the disruption caused by leaving behind a familiar environment and the struggle to adjust to a new one, even when the move is desired.
🤯 Coping with the Stress of New Surroundings
In this paragraph, the speaker delves into the stress and anxieties that come with the unfamiliarity of a new place. They recount their first night in Mauritius, marked by dread and discomfort. The summary outlines the challenges of loneliness, fear, and the pressure to succeed in a new environment. The speaker also reflects on the psychological impact of relocation, comparing it to the stress experienced by monkeys in a study, and suggests that the difficulties of adjusting are not just in one's imagination but are a common and valid response to change.
🌱 Growth Opportunities Through Relocation
The speaker turns the focus to the positive aspects of relocation, discussing how it can lead to personal growth and increased resilience. They share their own journey of becoming more independent and resourceful, and how the challenges they faced pushed them to develop new skills. The summary highlights the process of emotional decluttering and the opportunity to redefine oneself, as well as the professional growth that can come from adapting to new work environments and expectations.
🤝 Building New Relationships and Finding Support
This paragraph explores the potential for forming new relationships and deepening existing ones as a result of relocation. The speaker talks about the bonds formed with strangers due to shared experiences and the importance of maintaining connections with family and friends from their past life. The summary emphasizes the richness that new friendships and professional connections can bring, as well as the personal strength gained from being a role model for others and the healing that can come from embracing the present moment.
🏡 Embracing the Fresh Start and Personal Change
The final paragraph discusses the fresh start that relocation offers and the opportunity it presents for personal change. The speaker shares their own experience of enjoying newfound freedom in Mauritius and the joy it brings to their life. The summary captures the idea of letting go of past constraints and rebuilding life according to one's own needs and goals. It also includes advice on managing the relocation process to maximize growth and healing, suggesting practices such as cultivating a sense of adventure, being gentle with oneself, and focusing on the present.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Relocation
💡Disruptive
💡Adjustment Challenges
💡Honeymoon Phase
💡Loneliness
💡Resilience
💡Emotional Numbness
💡Anxiety
💡Growth
💡Support Networks
💡Fresh Start
Highlights
Relocation can be a disruptive experience even when it's a desired change.
The speaker moved to Mauritius for a job, leaving behind family and friends.
The initial excitement of relocation can fade, leading to feelings of routine and demotivation.
Relocation can lead to predictable patterns of adjustment challenges.
Being in a new place can cause feelings of loneliness, fear, and confusion.
The first night in a new place can be filled with dread and discomfort.
Relocation can stir up memories of past losses and make adjustment more difficult.
Relocation stress can manifest as anxiety, similar to how it affects animals in studies.
Relocation can lead to personal growth, making individuals more flexible and resourceful.
The speaker learned to enjoy their own company and find peace in solitude.
Relocation can strengthen emotional, physical, and financial independence.
Adjusting to new ways of working can be liberating and lead to professional growth.
Relocation offers opportunities for new relationships and deepening existing ones.
The process of moving can inspire others to make changes in their own lives.
Relocation can force one to live in the present and experience life moment by moment.
A fresh start in a new place can provide the momentum for personal change.
Relocation is rated as one of the most taxing life events, following death and divorce.
Best practices for managing relocation include embracing challenges and maintaining relationships.
Relocation can lead to personal growth and healing, despite the initial discomfort.
Transcripts
have any of you cried yourself to sleep
after moving to a new place yeah well
you would be in good company here today
because my big question is why is it so
disruptive to close all things in one
place and start a new life in another
even if this change was something we
desired and actively pursued searching
for the answer to this question led me
to my experience of relocating to
Mauritius almost your'e ago I had left
behind a thirty-year life of family
friends and a busy career to start a job
in a country I had never even visited
before eight months into my new life the
honeymoon phase was over what had
initially been an exciting challenge had
just turned into routine and the novelty
of my surroundings was no longer
sustaining me I was feeling tired
depressed demotivated and mostly
confused about what was happening to me
because I had wanted this move I
realized that if this change was having
such a big impact on me it was likely
that there might be others who could
relate to what I was going through and
who might currently even be experiencing
some of these adjustment challenges in
doing the research for my presentation I
was surprised to find that they are in
fact predictable patterns to the woes
grows and blows of relocation and that
it's likely that most of us will go
through them when we move to a new place
so today I will be taking a look at what
we may expect when we move to a new
place and also consider some ways in
which we might deal with the impact of
this on our lives
why is relocation to a new place so
stressful one of the reasons is that at
home we are creatures of habit we like
the safe and the known moving strips us
of the familiar trappings of our life we
may become completely disorientated and
sometimes feel completely overwhelmed by
the sheer newness of everything as we
try to adjust we may long for the
predictability and a sense of control
that we live behind and we may even
start doubting the wisdom of our
decision to relocate first night I spent
in Mauritius was possibly the worst of
my life I hardly slept waking every
couple of hours with the feeling of
utter dread in my stomach what on earth
had I done giving up a successful and a
happy life to settle on an island in the
middle of nowhere where I knew no one
but brick we have feeling stretched
alone and scared in a new place it's
just about impossible to connect with
net craving for adventure and
independence that brought us here in the
first place these early days of
relocation can also be a time of
loneliness and fear we are worried that
we won't be able to cope with our work
we worry about making new friends and
that the life we live behind won't be
the same in we return that family and
friends will have forgotten about us
Nina's also sometimes the pressure to
give something back to those at home
because of the opportunity granted us
because we were the chosen ones
others the first time I went back home I
didn't know what to expect how would I
feel when I meet up with my old friends
would we still have something left to
say to one another would they want to
hear about my new life
would I still even care about this
during these early days a sense of
isolation and emotional numbness they
permeate our days leaving us feeling
confused and disconnected the only
solace may well be contact with family
and friends from our old lives giving us
the strength to carry on when I arrived
in Mauritius my colleagues and I were
accommodated in Ennis a residence and in
those days the Wi-Fi there was very
unreliable that I happen to discover but
the bathrooms in the sky room for some
reason had the very best Wi-Fi in the
building during my first trip in
Mauritius I spent many hours sitting on
a clothes toilet talking with people
back home but then wondering why on
earth my voice had such a strange a
career into it leaving home
they sometimes bring up memories of
unresolved losses from the past
this can make adjusting to the new place
even the harder it can feel like there's
a kind of noise in our heads which makes
meeting obligations and commitments in
our new context seems surprisingly
different difficult sometimes even
insurmountable we may feel vulnerable
and helpless as if hit by a self-imposed
earthquake why bring what isn't
happening to us and we may fear that we
will never get our happy confident
selves back again all these unsettling
experiences can be thought of as
anxieties
a common outcome of relocation it is an
overwhelmed and easy and prehensile and
worrisome state of mind which makes us
feel inadequate and unable to cope it's
interesting to note that monkeys who
were subjected to the stress of
relocation in a research study suffered
just as we do exhibiting increases in
neurotic behavior elevated levels of
cortisol which is the stress hormone and
sleep disturbances so it is not a
figment of our imagination that moving
is demanding and exhausting and it will
probably not work to simply pull
ourselves together and get over it
fortunately there is light at the end of
the tunnel and if we embrace or at most
survive challenges of relocation it can
launch us onto an exciting part of
expansion there are ways in which moving
to a new place and strengthen us
increase our resilience and make us more
resourceful than ever before the growth
of relocation one such positive outcome
is that in order to deal with the
anxiety and helplessness of being out of
our comfort zone we become more flexible
we develop new skills and resort to
different approaches even though these
novel behaviors might be uncomfortable
or scary at first level of discomfort
associated with my own growth process
took me completely by surprise before
moving to Mauritius I had longed for a
new challenge that would force me to
know myself better and develop new
skills I couldn't believe my luck when I
was actually offered my career
job the grow seemed such a noble and
amazing thing to be able to do but I
never dreamt it would be so difficult
and it's such unexpected ways the
lessons I have learned have terrified me
challenged me and almost defeated me but
ultimately they pushed me to grow and I
feel different on the inside now as with
all major transitions moving also
provides a powerful opportunity to heal
parts of ourselves that don't emerge
unless we are in the midst of
significant change in my own place
living alone away from my family
initially made me quite anxious I hated
that feeling that I could fall over and
die in my apartment and no one would
even know eventually out of desperation
I trained myself to look in the mirror
and say but you are not alone look there
you are there is somebody here with you
now I'm learning to enjoy my own company
and sometimes even relish the peace and
quiet of my apartment rather than
feeling afraid of the isolation or
wondering where all the other people are
having fun without me
relocation offers further occasion for
growth by teaching us to be more
independent emotionally physically and
financially it increases our resilience
and as we find ways to thrive in the new
place we feel more confident of our
ability to cope we understand what is
important to us and what we need to make
our lives work the emotional
decluttering that happens when we no
longer define ourselves in terms of our
previous lives creates internal space
which allows for new qualities
to emerge we are already rebuilding
ourselves as part of the adjustment
process so it becomes easier to update
our ways of learning and working to be
more efficient or relevant my previous
position was in a traditional
hundred-year-old
University and I often felt a pressure
to limit myself to conform to the status
quo but upon starting my new job I was
experiencing change on so many levels
that it seemed a relatively simple thing
to also adjust the way I work this has
been a liberating an exciting process
and I have grown professionally as a
result so there definitely are ways in
which moving can help us to become
stronger and the evidence suggests that
after we have grown and stretched and
adjusted to our changed circumstances we
can expect some happy times and start
experiencing what I call the glows of
relocation one of these is in the area
of relationships strangers who start to
live together in a different place often
form lifelong friendships because of
their shared vulnerability especially if
the going is tough being a newcomer in a
community also offers the potential for
new friendships and new professional
connections we also learn to each are
tall away from our usual support
networks we are more likely to ask for
help and become more open-minded about
accepting invitations from new friends
all of which makes our lives richer and
fuller furthermore our increased need
for support during relocation may lead
to a deepening of existing relationships
I can honestly say that I would not have
survived the first six months in
Mauritius with a long and emotional
watts
positions with family and friends and
other parts of the world they provided a
space where I no longer had to hold it
all together
where I gave myself permission to feel
and to be comforted when a friend from
my past life understood what I was going
through it cemented the bonds between us
and these relationships are now an even
greater source of pleasure in my life
sometimes the boldness of my move to
Mauritius has inspired others back home
to make changes in their own lives being
a role model in this way makes all the
discomfort and stress seem worthwhile
and it really helps me to trust myself
and my decisions going forward
a further glow of the relocation process
relates to the way it forces us to
experience life moment by moment moving
is such an all-consuming phenomenon that
it leaves little energy or time for
anything but the next job that needs to
be done the big question is about where
our lives will go after the space
whether we will succeed or fail remain
unanswered I am myself currently
learning to move away from my personal
and loans lack when will my husband join
me in Mauritius what will happen if he
doesn't what will happen if he does what
will happen to me in my old age how will
I stay financially secure will I ever
settle property in Mauritius and what on
earth would I do if I went back home
instead I am learning to remain in the
present experiencing the richness of
staying focused on what is in front of
me and trusting that all will be well
and finally another wonderful outcome of
relocation is the Fresh Start that it
gives us to be surrounded by new things
and different people is interesting
stimulating the internal energy
generated provides momentum for personal
change and we have the opportunity to
rebuild our lives according to her own
needs and goals away from the
expectations and constraints of our
previous lives talking about constraints
from previous lives I love swimming and
I've often dreamt about being one of
those old ladies who goes swimming every
morning regardless of the weather but I
also happen to hate cold water which was
always a big problem that home
fortunately now in Mauritius a wonderful
temperature the sea makes it possible
for me to be that crazy lady and my
dailies films have become a news source
of joy in my life so this story will
hopefully have a happy ending
nevertheless the stress associated with
moving can do damage to our health and
well-being
relocation is commonly rated as lacks
third most taxing event following death
and divorce so I would like to end by
sharing with you some best practices
towards consciously managing the process
so that the discomfort of relocation can
also bring you equivalent levels of
growth and healing
number one remember every day how
courageous you are cultivate a sense of
adventure and explore your new
surroundings take the risk of getting
involved but also have a safe place to
retreat you when you've had enough
secondly be gentle with yourself and
don't be afraid of strong emotions they
are quite normal but will change as you
settle be patient and accept help and
maintain those important relationships
back home never compare your current
life with things back home rather focus
on the present find small things to be
grateful for and set a time every day to
do something you love or spending time
in a beautiful place cultivate a kind
and positive attitude towards everyone
around you but don't compromise to fit
in being yourself will more quickly
attract like-minded people to you and
you will make friends more easily and
finally gently and fully breathe the
loss of the life you once lived
unless we let ourselves feel the sadness
of things left behind and let them go it
can be difficult to adapt to the new
environment this takes time and it must
happen at our own pace it is not a race
ladies and gentlemen relocation is
disruptive for all the reasons discussed
here today but it is disruptive also in
the very best sense of the word sad
lonely distressed phase usually paves
the way for better things to come
in short relocation can feel like one of
the worst times of our lives but it may
also launch us to the very best thank
you
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