Anger Management Tips for Parents: How to Handle Anger in Parenting

Summary

Dans cette émission, Avital aborde la gestion de la colère en tant que parent, soulignant que l'expression authentique des émotions est importante. Elle distingue entre ressentir de la colère, ce qui est naturel et légitime, et agir sur cette colère, ce qui peut être nuisible. Avital encourage à prendre soin de soi, à attendre que la colère passe et à communiquer de manière respectueuse, en prenant en compte les perspectives des enfants et en offrant des excuses si nécessaire. Elle met l'accent sur la croissance personnelle et le modèle d'autorité responsable que nous devons offrir à nos enfants.

Takeaways

• 😀 L'colère est un sentiment naturel que tout le monde peut ressentir et il est normal de vouloir exprimer ses émotions.
• 🔍 Il est important de différencier entre ce que nous ressentons et la manière dont nous nous comportons. Il est acceptable d'être en colère, mais il n'est pas approprié de transmettre cette colère à autrui, surtout aux enfants.
• 👶 Nous devons enseigner aux enfants que, bien qu'il soit normal de ressentir des émotions négatives, il n'est pas acceptable de les exprimer de manière violente ou blessante.
• 👉 Il est crucial de prendre la responsabilité de nos émotions et de ne pas blâmer les autres pour nos réactions émotionnelles.
• 🌱 La colère peut être une opportunité de croissance personnelle, permettant de devenir la personne paisible que nous voulons être.
• 🤔 Il est essentiel d'écouter le message de la colère sans devenir son messager, en se demandant pourquoi elle est apparue à un moment donné.
• 💡 Lorsque l'on est en colère, il est important d'arrêter et de se calmer avant d'agir, en utilisant des techniques telles que l'arrêt, la relâche et la respiration.
• 🚫 Il est préférable d'éviter de dire des mots blessants ou toxiques dans un moment de colère, en se retirant ou en demandant de l'aide si nécessaire.
• 🕒 Une fois que les émotions se sont estompées, il est plus efficace de discuter des problèmes avec les enfants de manière calme et constructive.
• 📝 Exprimer sa colère de manière saine, comme par l'art, la journalisation ou la danse, est une bonne façon de la gérer sans la transmettre aux autres.
• 🙏 Il est important d'apporter des excuses si l'on a réagi violemment ou a blessé quelqu'un par inadvertance, montrant ainsi aux enfants comment prendre en charge ses erreurs et apprendre de celles-ci.

Q & A

Le sentiment de colère est-il considéré comme normal dans l'éducation des enfants selon le script ?

Oui, le script indique que la colère est un sentiment naturel que tout le monde peut ressentir de temps en temps et que reconnaître et accepter ses émotions, y compris la colère, est important.

Peut-on dire aux enfants 'tu me rend fou' ou 'je suis très en colère contre toi' ?

Non, le script suggère de différer entre ce que l'on ressent et la façon dont on se comporte. Il est préférable de dire 'je me sens très en colère en ce moment' plutôt que de dire 'tu me rend fou', car cela implique que l'enfant est responsable de nos émotions, ce qui n'est pas le cas.

Comment le script aborde-t-il la façon de gérer la colère envers les enfants ?

Le script recommande de ne pas agir sur la colère envers les enfants, mais plutôt de prendre soin de ses émotions et de s'adresser à la situation une fois calmé. Il suggère également d'utiliser des techniques telles que 'Stop, Drop, and Breathe' pour se calmer.

Le script met-il en avant l'importance de l'authenticité dans l'expression de la colère ?

Oui, le script soutient que l'authenticité est importante et que cacher ses émotions ou se taire sur la colère peut être nuisible, mais il insiste sur la façon de communiquer ces sentiments sans blesser les autres.

Comment le script définit-il la différence entre ressentir de la colère et agir sur cette colère ?

Le script explique que ressentir de la colère est normal et justifié, mais agir sur cette colère, en particulier en la projetant sur les autres, n'est pas approprié. Il est important de prendre en charge de ses émotions et de les exprimer de manière constructive.

Le script suggère-t-il des méthodes spécifiques pour apaiser sa colère ?

Oui, le script suggère de s'arrêter, de se retirer momentanément de la situation, de respirer profondément, et d'attendre que la colère passe avant de discuter avec les enfants de la situation qui a déclenché la colère.

Quels sont les conseils donnés par le script pour s'exprimer une fois que la colère a passé ?

Le script recommande d'exprimer ce qui a provoqué la colère de manière claire et calme, en utilisant la communication non violente et en établissant un lien avec l'enfant, plutôt que de le blâmer ou de lui faire des accusations.

Le script mentionne-t-il l'importance de l'auto-réparation après une émotion de colère ?

Oui, le script souligne l'importance de s'excuser et de prendre en charge de ses actions si elles ont blessé l'enfant, en reconnaissant que sa réaction n'était pas appropriée et en s'engageant à apprendre à gérer sa colère de manière plus respectueuse.

Le script traite-t-il la colère comme une opportunité de croissance personnelle ?

Oui, le script considère la colère comme une opportunité de devenir une personne plus paisible et de prendre en charge de ses émotions de manière plus constructive, ce qui est essentiel pour le développement personnel et pour être un modèle pour les enfants.

Le script encourage-t-il à discuter avec les enfants de la colère et de ses causes ?

Oui, le script encourage à écouter les enfants et à discuter avec eux des situations qui ont provoqué la colère, pour comprendre leurs perspectives et apprendre ensemble de ces expériences.

Le script met-il en évidence le rôle des parents en tant que modèles pour leurs enfants en ce qui concerne la gestion de la colère ?

Oui, le script souligne que les parents doivent être des modèles de leadership en prenant en charge de leurs émotions et en apprenant à gérer leur colère de manière respectueuse et constructive, ce qui est essentiel pour l'éducation des enfants.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Gestion de la colère parentale

Dans le premier paragraphe, Avital aborde le sujet de la colère des parents envers leurs enfants. Melanie pose la question de savoir si il est acceptable d'exprimer sa colère envers les enfants. Avital soutient que la colère est un sentiment naturel et légitime, mais il est important de distinguer entre ce que l'on ressent et la manière dont on se comporte. Elle insiste sur le fait que les parents doivent prendre en charge de leurs émotions et ne pas projeter leur colère sur les enfants, mais plutôt reconnaître et gérer leurs propres réactions émotionnelles. La colère est vue comme une opportunité de croissance pour devenir une personne plus paisible.

05:03

😡 Les défis de la maîtrise de la colère

Le deuxième paragraphe traite des défis de la maîtrise de la colère et des stratégies pour gérer les 'tantrums' adultes. Avital partage des idées pour gérer la colère, telles que l'arrêt temporaire de l'action, la prise de soin de soi, et l'expression de la colère de manière saine. Elle mentionne la séquence 'Stop, Drop, and Breathe' de Dr. Laura Markham et suggère d'exprimer la colère de manière créative ou de parler à quelqu'un avant de s'adresser aux enfants. La clé est d'attendre que la colère passe avant de communiquer avec les enfants de manière efficace et constructive.

10:04

🤗 Exprimons nos émotions de manière respectueuse

Dans le troisième paragraphe, Avital insiste sur l'importance d'une expression respectueuse des émotions une fois la colère passée. Elle recommande de s'adresser aux enfants de manière calme et de les écouter pour comprendre leur point de vue. Avital encourage les parents à s'excuser si leur colère a blessé les enfants et à prendre des mesures pour éviter de répéter les mêmes erreurs. Elle souligne que les parents doivent être des modèles de leadership pour leurs enfants, en prenant en charge leurs émotions et en travaillant sur leurs réactions face à la colère.

Keywords

💡Colère

La colère est un sentiment naturel que tous les individus peuvent éprouver. Dans le script, il est souligné que la colère est un sentiment légitime et que se sentir coupable ou se blâmer pour cela n'aide pas. Le script met en évidence la différence entre ressentir de la colère et agir sur cette colère, en insistant sur le fait qu'il est inapproprié de projeter sa colère sur autrui, en particulier sur les enfants.

💡Authenticité

L'authenticité est un concept clé dans le script, qui est mentionné dans le contexte de l'expression de la colère. L'auteur soutient que ne pas exprimer sa colère ou de prétendre ne pas être en colère est comme se taire et supprimer ses sentiments, ce qui n'est pas un bon exemple pour les enfants. L'authenticité est importante pour être honnête avec soi-même et avec les autres.

💡Responsabilité

Le script insiste sur l'importance de prendre en charge ses propres émotions. Il est expliqué que les autres ne nous rendent pas colériques; c'est notre interprétation de la situation qui est à l'origine de notre colère. Par conséquent, la responsabilité est un mot-clé pour comprendre que chacun est responsable de ses réactions émotionnelles et ne doit pas blâmer les autres pour ses propres sentiments.

💡Modèle

Le terme 'modèle' fait référ aux exemples que les parents donnent à leurs enfants. Dans le script, il est question de ne pas utiliser les enfants comme boucs émissaires pour notre colère, mais plutôt de prendre en charge nos émotions et de montrer aux enfants comment gérer la colère de manière saine et positive.

💡Communication non violente

La communication non violente est une méthode de communication qui vise à exprimer ses sentiments et besoins de manière respectueuse. Dans le script, cette approche est suggérée comme une manière de gérer la colère et de s'adresser à ses enfants de manière constructive, en évitant de les blâmer ou de les shaminer.

💡Émotions

Les émotions sont au cœur du script, qui les considère comme éphémères et qui passent avec le temps. Il est important de reconnaître que les émotions, y compris la colère, sont normales et peuvent être exprimées de manière saine sans nuire à autrui.

💡Régulation des émotions

La régulation des émotions est la capacité à gérer et à contrôler ses réactions émotionnelles. Dans le script, il est question de techniques telles que 'Stop, Drop, and Breathe' pour aider à gérer la colère et à éviter de réagir de manière impulsive.

💡Calm

Le calme est présenté comme un état d'esprit souhaitable dans le script, qui est à la fois un objectif et un résultat de la gestion de la colère. Il est question de trouver le calme dans les moments de colère et de l'utiliser comme opportunité de croissance personnelle.

💡Tantrum

Un tantrum est une explosion de colère, souvent incontrolable. Le script utilise le terme pour décrire les réactions de colère, qu'il s'agisse des adultes ou des enfants, et comment gérer ces explosions de colère de manière plus saine.

💡Résilience

La résilience fait référ à la capacité à se remettre de situations difficiles ou à surmonter des obstacles. Dans le contexte du script, la résilience est liée à la capacité de gérer la colère et de se remettre de moments de tension émotionnelle.

💡Compassion

La compassion est la capacité de comprendre et de partager les souffrances d'autrui. Dans le script, la compassion est encouragée pour soi-même et pour les autres, en reconnaissant que tout le monde peut ressentir de la colère et en offrant des excuses et des réparations lorsque nécessaire.

Highlights

It's okay to feel angry and to express it as a natural human emotion, but it's important to differentiate between feeling and behaving.

Authenticity is important, but silencing oneself or suppressing feelings is not healthy or a good model for children.

We should teach children that it's okay to feel various emotions, but not to act out negatively on others.

We must take responsibility for our feelings; external triggers do not make us angry, it's our interpretation that does.

Telling children they made us mad is not advisable; instead, we should express our feelings without blaming them.

Anger can be a growth opportunity to rise above our reactive emotions and become a peaceful person.

In moments of anger, we should resist the urge to react loudly and instead find quiet ways to manage our emotions.

We should allow ourselves to receive the message of anger without becoming its messenger.

When anger arises, ask why it came and what boundaries were crossed to understand and set limits for the future.

Managing anger is challenging, but there are strategies like stopping ourselves, redirecting anger, and taking breaks.

Expressing anger in a healthy way, such as through art or journaling, can help us process our emotions without harming others.

Waiting for feelings to pass is crucial, especially for those who are like 'hurricanes' in their emotional reactions.

Changing the atmosphere, like going for a walk or watching a movie, can help diffuse anger and emotions.

All emotions are transient, and it's important to wait to express ourselves when we are calm and can choose our words wisely.

Parenting is not like dog training; children can be taught effectively when we are calm and not in the heat of anger.

Expressing ourselves mindfully through nonviolent communication is essential for maintaining a close and connected relationship with our children.

Apologizing and taking responsibility for our behavior when we lose control is a crucial part of modeling emotional regulation for our children.

Bringing in remorse and reform shows children that we are taking action to change and improve our emotional responses.

Children deserve to see a model of leadership that takes responsibility for emotional outbursts and works towards positive change.

Transcripts

- Do you ever get angry at your kids?

Good, then I'm not alone.

And so does Melanie.

Let me read you an email from here.

She wrote, "Dear Avital,

"thank you so much for all that you do.

"Your work has changed our family life forever.

"I'm wondering about feeling angry.

"I know that we're not supposed to yell at our kids,

"but do you think it's okay to say 'you're making me so mad'

"or 'I'm so mad at you'?

"If not, why not?

"I think authenticity is incredibly important,

"and I think not saying I'm mad when I am

"or pretending I'm not is like silencing myself

"and suppressing my feelings.

"That can't be a good model for my kids, can it?

"isn't feeling angry just a human emotion

"that children need to witness as well?

"Looking forward to hearing your perspective on this.

"Melanie."

(upbeat music)

Welcome to The Parenting Junkie Show.

I'm Avital, and this is the place to be

to love parenting and parent from love.

Today we're talking about managing our adult tantrums,

whether our anger is justified,

and what to do about it.

Here's my thinking on this.

And I invite you to watch my video all about anger.

But basically I think that anger is a natural thing

that all of us are gonna feel from time to time,

and depending on your temperament and how you were raised,

your body and your words are gonna

come out differently when you're angry.

And it might be something that you

really struggle with like I do.

I really struggle with a temper

and with reactive angry emotions.

Anger is a natural feeling and you

do have the right to feel your feelings.

Your feelings are justified.

It is okay for you to be angry,

and beating yourself up about it

or feeling guilty about it certainly won't help.

But, let's differentiate between what you feel

and how you behave.

If we feel angry, that's okay and justified.

However, acting out our anger,

unleashing it on someone else,

vomiting whatever we have inside us

when we're angry on our children, not okay.

The same goes for children as well, right?

We wanna teach our children that

it's okay for them to be mad or sad or jealous.

But it's not okay for them

to hit or grab or yell at someone.

The other thing to know about feelings

is that we have to take responsibility for them.

Other people don't make us angry.

And we don't get mad at other people.

We get mad within ourselves.

There was an external trigger for it,

something stimulated our anger.

But it's our own interpretation of that external situation

that made us angry.

However, the fact that we're feeling angry

and that we get angry doesn't give us license

to blame or shame someone else's behavior.

You can disagree with your children's behavior,

you can think that they need guidance or consequences,

or a lot of teaching around what they've done,

that it wasn't okay.

But they are still not responsible

for your emotional reaction.

So, no, we wanna try and shy away

from telling our children that they made us mad

or that we're mad at them.

We need to start taking responsibility for our feelings

and saying I'm feeling very angry right now

is very different from saying you're making me very angry.

It might sound like just a semantical difference,

but I think it's actually quite an essential difference

in how we're treating the other person

and what we're putting on them versus

what we're putting on ourselves.

Anger is a growth opportunity.

Anger is that moment that we can step into being

the peaceful person that we want to be.

It's very easy on the yoga mat or in meditation

or when you're on a retreat.

It's very hard and very meaningful

when we can rise above and become peaceful

in a moment of being triggered.

When our prefrontal cortex is actually offline

and our body is actually being driven

by our reptilian brains, by a reactive brain,

that's when we want to rise above.

The moment that anger wants us to get really, really loud

is the moment that we get really quiet.

It's in the resistance to the tyranny of anger

that we can grow into the peaceful people

that we want to be.

It's in distancing ourselves from the anger

and realizing that it's not true to say I am angry.

It's not that I am anger.

We don't allow it to be come us.

We in fact, differentiate from it

and realize oh, this is anger trying to control me.

This is anger trying to give me a message.

So how about we allow ourselves to become the recipient

of anger's message but not the messenger for anger.

In other words, we allow anger

to speak to us but not for us.

When we allow anger to speak to us we listen,

and we say, huh, why did anger come to visit

just at that moment?

What boundaries were being crossed?

What story was I telling myself?

How was I allowing for myself to be treated in a way

that I don't want to be treated?

How was I disrespecting myself

and trespassing over my own limits and boundaries?

That's listening for anger and understanding

and drawing important conclusions for the future.

Have you ever found yourself in the throws of anger?

Do you find managing your temper a challenge?

If so, I would love to hear.

Let me know at theparentingjunkie.com/blog,

just in the comments section there,

let's have a conversation around

the role of anger in parenting and

what it feels like for you.

So if you find yourself in that very moment

that anger has come to visit,

you're super triggered,

you're so angry you want to hurt someone,

your children probably, and you wanna hurt them bad,

you wanna yell at them.

You wanna tell them how bad they are.

You want to cause them pain.

You wanna unleash your anger.

What can you do in that moment?

How can you calm yourself down?

How can you stop yourself from releasing that venom?

That poison?

That vomit onto someone else?

Here are some ideas.

The first step is that we have to stop ourselves somehow.

And Dr. Laura Markham recognizes this as a first step

in her Stop, Drop, and Breathe sequence.

And I'll link to the video about that below.

But the first step of stopping ourselves,

we wanna gag ourselves, we wanna hold back our arms,

we wanna kind of be a limitation for ourselves.

My three-year-old son once said to me,

"I really wanted to hit but my skin stopped me."

And it was such a great analogy of having your skin

actually pull you back.

He actually succeeded in self regulating.

Regulating his emotions so that

he wasn't unleashing them on his baby brother.

His skin was stopping him.

How can you help your skin to stop you?

In that very moment you can redirect your anger

and rather than saying words that are hurtful and toxic

and that you can't take back later,

how about you say something

that doesn't make any sense whatsoever?

Just yelling or making noises that express that energy

without saying something hurtful.

How about you excuse yourself, you pull yourself back

and you say, "I need a break."

Or you say,

"I'm too upset right now.

"I need to go and calm down.

"Please go and play in the playroom until I'm calm.

"I need a few minutes to myself,

"and we will talk about this later.

"This isn't your fault but I can't handle this right now.

"I need to calm down.

"I'll see you soon."

If you have another adult at home or even an older child,

you can ask them for help.

You can say, "I really need a break.

"Can you guys play together?

"I need to go calm down."

Try to inhibit yourself the way you would

if you had guests over or you were being on camera

or if you were bing watched by strangers in the street.

Is this about suppressing your emotions?

Not at all.

It's about listening to them but not acting on them.

You're allowed to feel angry.

Remember, you're not allowed

to unleash toxicity on other people, right?

And I do, too.

I do it the whole time.

So let's give ourselves compassion for that

because of course, there is always repair,

and there's always apologizing.

Step number two is to wait for the feelings to pass.

And this is very hard if you are a hurricane like me.

Harville Hendrix talks about hurricanes and turtles.

Hurricanes, when they're angry,

they blow really big and really loud

and they sweep everybody up around them

in that tantrum that they're having.

Turtles retreat to their shells,

and they actually close off and ignore and stonewall

and gaslight and do all sorts of behaviors

that stop other people from allowing any kind of engagement

or penetration into their emotions.

So, if you are a turtle, this is a good phase for you.

You wanna retreat from the anger

and you want to wait it out.

But if you're a hurricane this is very challenging.

This is the place where we actually

don't act on our feelings.

We don't say what we wanted to say.

Instead, we wait.

Now, what can you do during this incubation period?

Well, you can express your anger in a healthy way,

through art, through journaling, through dance.

Let it out definitely, just not on your children, hey?

And not on yourself.

Let it out by talking to a friend or a therapist,

calling your spouse, writing it down.

Do something to let it out,

but don't let it out on your children.

Now if you're stuck with your children

and you can't leave them alone because they're little

then change up the atmosphere.

Go watch a movie.

Go on a walk, get outside, go upside down,

literally changing perspective and changing atmosphere

is going to really really help you

to let your emotions move through you.

Now, what you need to realize is that

all emotions pass.

All emotions are transient.

So the fact that it feels like you have to act on it now,

that's just the urgency of that triggered state.

But it's not true when you don't have to listen to it.

You can say to yourself, yes, this is important,

and no I won't let it go,

but I'm only going to talk about it when I'm calm.

When I'm calm I'll be able to choose my words wisely,

and I'll be so much more effective.

Sometimes we think that parenting is like dog training,

that if your dog pees on your couch

you immediately have to respond or they'll never learn.

You can't sit the dog down for a conversation

two hours later when you're calm and say,

"You know what, that peeing on the couch really has to stop.

"I don't like that."

Right?

But with children you can.

It's really a wonderful thing.

Furthermore, if you are angry when you respond,

you're not gonna respond effectively.

Your children are gonna get defensive, scared,

and their brains will shut down

and they'll go into survival mode

and they won't hear you anyway.

It's simply not a teachable moment.

It's well worth the wait.

And finally, you get to express yourself.

Number three is express.

Express what was making you angry,

but not about saying I'm so angry

and you made me mad and it's your fault

and you're not okay,

but saying,

"You know, I got really upset

"when I saw this and this happen,

"and here's why, here's what I feel about it."

It's about getting close and cuddling and feeling calm

and having a bit of a laugh.

It's about holding your child's goodness to light

and saying, "I know that you're such a good kid,

"and I know you don't mean any harm by this,

"but this didn't feel quite right to me.

"Can we have a conversation about that?

"Let's talk about it."

And it's about listening to their side

and understanding that we may

have missed an entire perspective.

In fact, by definition we missed

an entire perspective on what happened.

So we wanna express ourselves in a mindful way,

through nonviolent communication and real connection

and at a time and place and in a way

that feels good, close, and connected with our child.

This would also be the time to apologize,

because probably, if you got really triggered and angry,

you made a violent face or you hurt your child

or you said something that you do regret,

and this is the time to take responsibility

for our behavior, saying, "That wasn't okay, and I'm sorry."

"I'm really sorry for losing my cool with you

"and yelling at you and I do not mean what I said.

"It was not okay what I said.

"And I'm gonna work very hard to teach myself to calm down

"when I'm angry and to speak respectfully."

That sense of pride when you've managed

to navigate a situation that used to trigger you,

and today, for some reason, you managed

to rally your resources and navigate it peacefully,

that sense of pride is growth.

That's where we become really

the peaceful people we wanna be.

The peaceful ninjas we are.

And that's what our children deserve, too.

They deserve to see a model of leadership

that takes responsibility for emotional outbursts

and for bad behavior that takes responsibility

and it takes action in trying to make changes

and really reform.

So if we bring in remorse and we bring in reform

and show our children we're taking that two-pronged approach

to our anger problems, then I think that we're doing

the very best that we can.

- If this spoke to you, I would love for you

to tag me over on Instagram @PARENTINGJUNKIE.

You could also slam the like button on this video

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And I'd love to hear from you,

how anger plays a part in your parenting over on the blog.

Meanwhile, you can dive deeper into this topic

at The Parenting Junkie Show podcast

anywhere you get your podcasts

and share this episode with anyone you think

might find it helpful.

You just grab the link and send them

an email or a text message.

Keep on loving parenting and parenting from love.

(light music)