How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere

Summary

In today's tech-driven world, many people struggle with starting conversations due to anxiety. This video breaks down a five-step framework to improve your social interactions and avoid common mistakes. Key steps include mental preparation, engaging openers, building deeper connections, maintaining interest, and ending on a high note. Emphasizing confidence, active listening, and genuine interest, the video provides practical tips to help you connect authentically with others, enhancing your personal and professional relationships.

Takeaways

• 😟 One in five people suffer from anxiety, making starting conversations challenging.
• 📱 Social media and dating apps have made starting conversations a lost skill.
• 🌉 Think of conversations as building a bridge to create authentic connections.
• 🧠 Step 1: Mentally prepare by visualizing a successful conversation.
• 👀 Step 2: Start with a relevant observation to the situation instead of generic openers.
• 🗣️ Use the REAL technique: Relate, Engage, Active Listening, and Let Them Shine.
• 📚 Discuss deeper topics like travel, hobbies, recent books, and personal goals to keep the conversation interesting.
• 😃 Step 5: Leave on a high note with a specific compliment and an invitation for future interaction.
• 📆 Follow up within 24 hours with a message mentioning something specific from the conversation.
• 🧩 BetterHelp can help build confidence and communication skills through therapy.

Q & A

What is the primary reason many people feel nervous or intimidated when starting conversations with strangers?

One in five people suffer from anxiety, and the rise of technology, social media, and dating apps has made starting conversations with strangers a lost skill.

What is the first step in the five-step framework to improve conversations?

The first step is to check out the landscape, which involves mentally preparing and visualizing a successful conversation before it starts.

Why is it important to have good posture during a conversation?

Good posture, such as standing or sitting up straight, gives you confidence and helps you feel and appear more confident.

What should you avoid when starting a conversation to make it more engaging?

Avoid using generic, boring openers like commenting on the weather. Instead, make an observation relevant to the situation.

How can referencing something from a person's social media or dating profile help in a conversation?

Referencing something from their profile shows interest and provides an instant connection point, making the conversation more personal and engaging.

What is the REAL technique mentioned in the script, and what does each letter stand for?

The REAL technique stands for Relate, Engage, Active listening, and Let them shine. It's a method to build a deeper connection during a conversation.

What common mistake should be avoided to keep the conversation flowing and interesting?

Avoid turning the conversation into a self-centered monologue. Instead, find common ground, show genuine interest, actively listen, and let the other person express their feelings and passions.

What deeper topics can help expand a conversation beyond small talk?

Deeper topics can include travel experiences, unique hobbies or skills, recent books or movies, personal goals or achievements, and interesting facts about your city or job.

What is the peak-end rule, and why is it important in conversations?

The peak-end rule states that people remember experiences based on the most intense point (the peak) and how it ends. Ending a conversation on a high note ensures the interaction is remembered positively.

How can you leave a conversation on a high note?

Give a specific compliment based on the conversation, plant the seed for a future interaction if desired, and express that you enjoyed the chat before leaving. This ensures the conversation ends positively and memorably.

Outlines

00:00

😨 Overcoming Anxiety in Conversations

The speaker discusses the common anxiety associated with starting conversations in today's technology-driven world, highlighting how social media and dating apps have eroded our ability to engage with strangers. They emphasize that avoiding five major mistakes can help improve interactions and potentially open doors to friendships, job opportunities, and romantic relationships. The first step is to mentally prepare by visualizing a successful conversation and maintaining good posture to boost confidence.

05:01

🧠 Preparing Mentally for Conversations

The speaker advises that mentally prepping before starting a conversation is crucial. This involves visualizing a successful interaction and maintaining a positive mindset. Confidence is key, and adopting good posture can help. The speaker reassures that feeling nervous is normal and encourages treating new acquaintances as potential friends or partners without overstepping boundaries. The importance of situational awareness and being present in the moment is emphasized.

10:01

👋 Starting Conversations Effectively

The speaker addresses common mistakes people make when initiating conversations, such as using generic openers. Instead, they suggest making relevant observations to engage the other person. This approach shows presence and interest, which helps in forming a connection. The speaker provides examples, like commenting on a unique drink at a coffee shop or referencing something from the person's social media profile to create an instant connection without appearing creepy.

🗣️ Keeping Conversations Engaging

To keep conversations interesting, the speaker introduces the REAL technique: Relate, Engage, Active Listening, and Let Them Shine. Relating involves finding common ground, engaging means showing genuine interest, active listening requires remembering key points, and letting them shine encourages the other person to share their passions. These steps help deepen the connection and avoid turning the conversation into a self-centered monologue.

🎯 Moving Beyond Small Talk

The speaker discusses the importance of moving past small talk to form deeper connections. Suggested topics include travel experiences, unique hobbies, recent books or movies, and personal goals. The goal is to show genuine curiosity and avoid turning the conversation into an interview. Keeping topics positive and fun ensures the conversation remains engaging.

🔝 Ending Conversations on a High Note

The final step is to end the conversation positively, leaving a lasting impression. The speaker explains the Peak-End Rule, where people remember the most intense moment and the ending of an interaction. To ensure a positive end, they suggest giving a unique compliment and expressing genuine enjoyment of the conversation. If interested in future interactions, plant the seed for a follow-up meeting. Leaving while the energy is high prevents the conversation from becoming dull and ensures a memorable interaction.

Keywords

💡Anxiety

Anxiety refers to the feelings of nervousness and worry that one in five people experience daily. In the context of the video, anxiety is highlighted as a common barrier to starting conversations with strangers, exacerbated by modern technology and social media.

💡Social Media

Social media platforms are online tools that facilitate communication and networking. The video mentions social media as a factor that has contributed to the decline in face-to-face conversation skills, making it harder for people to initiate and maintain real-life interactions.

💡Situational Awareness

Situational awareness involves being mindful of one's surroundings and the context of a conversation. In the video, it is recommended as a mental preparation step before starting a conversation, helping to calm nerves and set a positive tone.

💡Positive Visualization

Positive visualization is the technique of imagining a successful outcome to boost confidence. The video advises visualizing a successful conversation to help reduce anxiety and improve one's mindset before engaging with others.

💡Unique Openers

Unique openers are conversation starters that are specific to the current situation and more engaging than generic comments like 'nice weather.' The video suggests using observations about the surroundings, such as a barista's drink or background music, to make the conversation more interesting and relevant.

💡Active Listening

Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to what the other person is saying. The video emphasizes this as a critical part of building a deeper connection, showing genuine interest, and remembering key points to revisit later.

💡Confidence

Confidence refers to the feeling of self-assurance that arises from appreciating one's own abilities or qualities. In the video, confidence is discussed as essential for initiating conversations, with tips on improving posture and mindset to project confidence even when feeling nervous.

💡Building Connections

Building connections is the process of establishing meaningful relationships with others. The video frames conversations as opportunities to create authentic connections, likening it to building a bridge, with steps to lay a strong foundation and support beams for the interaction.

💡The REAL Technique

The REAL technique is a framework for effective conversations consisting of Relate, Engage, Active listening, and Let them shine. This method helps maintain a balanced interaction by finding common ground, showing interest, listening attentively, and allowing the other person to share their passions.

💡Peak-End Rule

The Peak-End Rule is a psychological concept that suggests people remember experiences based on the most intense moment and how they end. The video advises ending conversations on a high note with a unique compliment and planting seeds for future interactions to ensure a positive and memorable conclusion.

Highlights

One in five people suffer from anxiety, affecting social interactions.

Technology and social media have led to the decline of conversation skills.

A five-step framework is introduced to improve conversations.

Step one: mentally prepare and visualize a successful conversation.

Confidence is important; posture can enhance it.

Start conversations with relevant observations instead of generic openers.

Reference common experiences to build connections.

The REAL technique: Relate, Engage, Active listen, Let them shine.

Avoid self-centered monologues; focus on mutual interests.

Transition from small talk to deeper conversations by discussing meaningful topics.

The peak-end rule: end conversations on a high note for lasting impressions.

Provide genuine compliments based on the interaction.

Suggest future interactions casually to maintain interest.

Follow up within 24 hours to reinforce positive connections.

BetterHelp offers therapy services to improve communication skills and self-awareness.

Transcripts

if I told you to start a conversation

with everyone you met for the next 24

hours how would you feel nervous

intimidated well you're not alone

because one in five people now suffer

from anxiety and are struggling with

these feelings every single day you see

in this Modern Age of Technology social

media and dating apps actually starting

conversations with strangers is a lost

skill that's long gone so just like most

people you're most likely just making

these big five mistakes that are ruining

your interactions and if you ignore them

these could actually cost you potential

friendships your dream job opportunities

dates and so much more so in this video

I'm going to break down a simple

five-step framework that you can use to

avoid each mistake and to have amazing

talks with anyone and I'm going to keep

it simple I want you to think

differently about conversations instead

of a regular chat all right think of

every interaction as a chance to build

an authentic connection between you and

the other person think of it like

building a bridge that connects you to

the other side right and that's why step

one of the five-step framework is to

check out the landscape just like you

wouldn't start building a bridge without

first checking out the landscape you

shouldn't just jump into a conversation

without some mental prep or at least

situational awareness so here's what

you're going to do first just for a

second visualize a successful

conversation having a good time right

take a second and be like okay this is

going to go well I'm going to make this

person laugh we're going to have a good

time because when you hold that positive

mental image it's going to calm your

nerves a little bit and look everyone

gets gets nervous talking to new people

especially if you're not used to it

that's normal so don't think that you're

a loser don't think that you're stupid

that's just how today's society is

acting because it's not normal to talk

to people in person anymore and everyone

you meet is a potential great connection

you guys might be strangers now but this

person could literally become a

potential best friend a business partner

or even of course a romantic connection

right so when you see them act like

you're going to become good friends

don't go overboard and pretend like you

already know them you know everything

about them that's a little creepy but

remind yourself that nothing bad is

going to happen you're just having a

conversation you're just exchanging

ideas a technique that's known to work

is using great posture to your advantage

it's proven that standing or sitting up

straight gives you confidence so when

you're talking to someone remember not

to slouch keep your shoulders back keep

your chest out there's no need to be

unnatural and robotic right it's more of

a a subtle reminder that you're a strong

person and that you're confident but

remember that confidence isn't about

feeling 100% ready because at the end of

the day no one is ever 100% ready you

don't know what you're getting yourself

into when you're talking to a new person

it's about taking that first step even

when you're nervous okay now that you're

mentally prepped let's move on to

actually starting the conversation step

two is where you start laying the

foundation of your conversation bridge

and it's actually where most people mess

up big time you know they use generic

boring openers and it kills the vibe

from the start I mean how many times

have you heard someone come up to you oh

nice weather right it's boring man no

one cares everyone has looked outside

everyone knows what the weather is like

instead here's what you should do open

with an observation that's relevant to

the situation okay let's say you're at a

coffee shop and the Barista is making a

really crazy you know fancy drink make a

comment about the drink make a comment

about the Barista or make a comment

about the music that's playing in the

background and the reason why is that it

shows that you're present it shows that

you're observant and it instantly makes

the conversation more interesting also

you're both looking at the Barista

you're both listening to the same music

so so that is something that you have in

common even though you just met this

person and you have no idea what they're

all about or what their values are and

if the music comment for example starts

that conversation it's perfect right

because then you can pivot into asking

them what kind of music they like and by

the way there's an easy way of saying

that without being so generic like for

example what kind of genre is your

favorite that's kind of Corning but if

you say you look like you'd be into

Morgan Wallen did I get that right it

doesn't matter if you got it right or

wrong you immediately start building a

deeper connection with that person even

if they say no I don't even know who

Morgan Wallen is then you can just ask

all right well who's your go-to then and

that's a much better transition into

that topic remember the key is to keep

it natural keep it casual you're not

interrogating them right you're just

starting a friendly chat just like

laying down a smooth solid foundation

for that conversation Bridge also if

you're transitioning from online to

in-person interactions this is very

relevant nowadays right maybe you met

someone on Instagram or a dating app

right try reference referencing

something from their social media

account that you've seen or from their

dating profile because it shows interest

it gives you an instant connection point

just don't go overboard you know you

want to make sure that you look

thoughtful not like a stalker so a

couple of things that will absolutely

help you talk to strangers is one

building confidence in your

communication skills and two knowing

your core values and sticking to them

and the best way to do that best way to

work on those things together at the

same time is by talking to a

professional therapist sharing your

thoughts getting in the habit of having

open and honest conversations and our

sponsor better help is the easiest way

to get connected to a therapist who can

help you achieve those two things

simultaneously you sign up online you

get connected to a therapist specialize

in the area that you want to improve on

whether it's social anxiety relationship

issues past traumas or maybe you just

want to open up and talk to someone men

don't typically do that and it's really

really important that you do your

therapist will guide you through your

emotions through your feelings but

honestly and most importantly this is

something that most men don't even think

about but your therapist will guide you

to find and to build your core values

who are you as a human being what do you

stand for what are you all about you're

going to find out if you're a family guy

if you're an emotional person if you

have a growth or a fixed mindset these

are all incredibly important for you to

figure out as early and as soon as

possible so you sign up online they

match you with a therapist according to

your needs and then you can schedule

sessions as a phone call video chat or

even messaging if you prefer that so you

don't have to go in person it's on your

schedule it's the most practical way of

talking to a professional and getting

real advice about what's going on in

your life and you can always stop it if

you don't like it or you can swap to a

different therapist if you don't like

your first one which better help offers

free of charge if you're not happy with

yours for whatever reason so click that

first link in my description it's

betterhelp.com alexcosta and you'll even

get a discount on your first month but

now that you've started this

conversation most people struggle to

keep it going

enough to make a real connection right

how do you get deeper how do you make a

real connection out of small talk and

this opener and this is where things get

really interesting because step three is

all about building the support beams of

your conversation Bridge like be before

I dive into that by the way let's first

talk about the biggest mistake that

people make at this stage and that is

turning this interaction into a

self-centered monologue it's like when

you turn the conversation into

everything about me me me me so instead

it's actually important that you keep

the real technique in mind during your

interactions and here's how it works

first R stands for relate so as you chat

find common ground it's the same as

connecting the beams on both sides of

your conversation bridge for example if

they mention that you're they into

fitness they really like being healthy

and fit and you just started a new

workout routine or a new workout class

share your experience right you can say

something like oh I just started that

hit class that everyone's been talking

about here in New York City it's kicking

my ass but in a good way have you tried

it it's an easy easy way to relate to

that person and their values next e is

for engage so as you should already know

but you need to show genuine interest

during the chat unless you don't have

interest and at that point you should e

is for exit so make sure that you ask

follow-up questions to strengthen the

connection that you guys have a is for

active listening pay attention to

details don't just ask a question and

then kind of zone out while the person's

talking to you and you're just looking

at the ceiling looking around looking

with people going by right try to

remember the key points that they

mentioned

because you might want to Circle back to

that later and that's what creates that

true bond that true connection it shows

them that you care shows them that

you're listening and shows them that you

understand what they're talking about L

is for let them shine give them space to

express their feelings their passions if

they light up talking about something

encourage them to share more this rise

in energy level it shows that this is

something that this person really cares

about and it sets the stage for

something really important that happens

at the end of every interaction which

I'm going to explain at the end this

video because it's a really really

interesting technique but here's the

thing even if you've mastered the real

technique re e a l there are still two

more critical steps that can make or

break your entire conversation in fact

most people completely Overlook these

and it actually costs them potential

relationships life opportunities because

communication is everything so if you

want to know the secret to leaving a

lasting impression and making sure that

your conversation isn't forgotten as

soon as it's over you know that they

forget about you you're going to want to

pay close attention to the next two

steps so now that we've approached and

we built a strong foundation between us

right there's the support beams we're

building this bridge this analog is

getting old look it's time to get things

to the next level in fact step four is

where many people slip up and they cause

the conversation to kind of fizzle out

have you ever had that you're talking

it's going well and then it kind of just

like starts to die out and you're like

should I leave now what's going on we

started off well but I don't know how

it's going now it's like the crucial

phase where you either expand a deeper

connection or you get stuck in this

small Small Talk Loop and it's not

exciting at all it's the same

conversation that we've had a hundred

times about the weather about some

sports game or whatever it's so boring

you know it's interesting so a

psychologist named Nicholas Epley

actually found that people enjoy deeper

conversations way more than small talk

but most of us don't get there we don't

realize it so we stick to shallow topics

thinking you know this is my safe area

I'm going to stick to my safe area it's

like ordering a plain vanilla ice cream

or a vanilla latte when there's so much

more out there right try something new a

new flavor to get excited by So to avoid

this mistake and to keep things flowing

here are some deeper topics to have in

mind just to get things going obviously

you can talk about travel experiences if

you've been somewhere or if you're going

somewhere in the future that usually

gets you to connect and you can get to

understand a little bit more about that

person you can talk about your unique

Hobbies or unique skills or of course

that person's Hobbies or skills your

recent books movies or shows that you've

liked that just came out in the movie

theater personal goals or any recent you

know achievements without being braggy

without acting like a dick interesting

facts about your city or your job

anything that's recent that's going on

in your life but look the the key thing

is you're not interviewing them for for

a podcast or for a job so show genuine

curiosity about their experiences and

and what they're saying ask for their

opinions seek their advice you're trying

to connect with this person on a deeper

level you're not just vomiting a bunch

of things that you you heard on on

YouTube from this random guy on uh Alex

C the channel also make sure that the

topics that you discuss that they're

positive and that they're fun if you

feel like the conversation is starting

to drag first Don't Panic just change

the topic to something more fun

something more light-hearted now here's

where things get really interesting you

might think that by just having a great

conversation that that's enough but

there's actually a psychological trick

that can make or break how someone

remembers your entire interaction and it

all comes down to how you end things so

that's where step five comes in this

final step is about leaving on a high

note and making sure that your

conversation bridge is strong enough to

make sure that this interaction is not

forgettable right it's not like oh we

just talked about small talk for 20

minutes and then they left I don't even

remember this person's name I just know

the weather and to understand how

important this step is let me tell you

something scientists actually found this

pretty fascinating thing called the peak

and Rule basically people remember

experiences based on two key moments

moments the most intense point which is

the peak and How It Ends how it wraps up

this means that the way that you

conclude a conversation can make or

break how someone remembers your entire

interaction so if it started off really

well and then it just died off they're

going to remember that it just wasn't

that great but if it started off really

well and it started to di off and you're

like you know what I'm going to make it

more light-hearted and then I'm going to

leave that's the way to do it so to make

this better to make this easier I'm

going to give you a three-step process

that Masters this Rule and by the way

I'm giving you these rules as a beginner

guide right I don't want you to sit

there and look at your notes when you're

having a conversation three-step rule

okay cool let me look at real not it's

not about that it's just about getting

it started for your first conversations

over the next few weeks and then you can

let that go and it's just going to be

ingrained into your mind first when

you're wrapping up the conversation

start by giving a specific unique

compliment based on what you've

discussed so it could be you know hey I

got to say like I I really like the

passion that you have for photography

like you have great energy I can really

feel it really nice to meet you and

leave this creates that positive

emotional Peak right and the person is

going to remember that and if you want

to see this person again you can just

plant the seed for a future interaction

for a future meeting if it's something

that you want to pursue right so here's

the key make sure that it's relevant to

what you've talked about so you don't

want to come off as random or pushy for

example if you've been chatting about

coffee you might say you know I'm

definitely checking out this new coffee

shop that you mentioned next week if you

want to come let me know your Instagram

I'll hit you up I'll say send you a

message right maybe we can meet there

this leaves them with this like sense of

excitement for what's to come and it's

something that you already talked about

you talked about coffee so it keeps

things relaxed it was related to what

you're talking about and it's so low

effort you don't even really have to

think about it and to end it honestly

just Express how much you've enjoyed the

conversation be honest let them know

that you need to head out hey you know I

got to go I can't emphasize this enough

do not overstay your welcome don't start

the conversation off strong talk talk

talk talk talk connect and then let the

conversation die down until it becomes

boring make sure to leave on a high note

and it can be so simple just say hey

great chat I got to run now but let's

definitely continue this another time

and that's it it ends the interaction on

a high note it makes you look like you

got place to be you're busy you're not

just like lingering right it allows you

to leave while the energy is still up

still high as opposed to letting you

drag for too long and then you just kind

of like okay this isn't working I'm

going to leave that's that makes it

weird makes it cringey by the way if it

went really well and you want to meet up

again I highly recommend and this is for

romantic situations or going on a date

or whatever or business relationships

send him a follow-up message within 24

hours and in the message mentioned

something specific that you guys talked

about it shows that you were really

listening and it reinforces that

positive interaction that you've had and

guess what now you built a fully

functional conversation bridge to

interact with anyone anywhere anytime

but what if while you're having this

conversation a girl in the room keeps

looking at you check out this video and

I'll show you again exactly what to do