How to have a FULFILLING SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, or: in praise of 24-hour diners

Summary

Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the key to a fulfilling sexual relationship, emphasizing the importance of having similar libidos with your partner. He argues that sexual desires are hard to change through therapy or conversation, and mismatched libidos often lead to long-term frustration. He likens the situation to arriving at a closed restaurant: insisting on being served is unreasonable, but taking your needs elsewhere is practical. Early in a relationship, it's crucial to establish mutual sexual expectations to avoid future dissatisfaction.

Takeaways

• 😀 The key to a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has a similar libido.
• 😀 Libido compatibility is crucial as it generally doesn't change much over time.
• 😀 Therapy and conversations can't fully resolve libido mismatches in a relationship.
• 😀 Significant differences in sexual desire can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction.
• 😀 Men typically have a higher libido than women, though this is not always the case.
• 😀 Men often view sex as a drive, while women may see it as a mood.
• 😀 It's important to establish expectations around sex early in a relationship to avoid future issues.
• 😀 Comparing a relationship to a restaurant, it's unreasonable to expect service after closing time, just as it's unreasonable to expect sex when one partner isn't in the mood.
• 😀 If a partner's sexual needs aren't met, they may look elsewhere, which can affect other aspects of the relationship.
• 😀 Maintaining a balance and understanding in sexual dynamics is essential for a long-term, satisfying relationship.

Q & A

What is the primary way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship according to Dr. Orion Taraban?

The primary way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has more or less the same libido as you do.

Why is it challenging to change sexual desire through therapy or conversations?

Because sexual desire is something that generally doesn't change significantly, even with therapy or conversations. If one partner wants sex significantly more than the other, it is likely to lead to frustration.

What is the analogy Dr. Taraban uses to describe wanting sex from a partner who is not in the mood?

He compares it to showing up at your favorite restaurant a minute after they close and expecting to be served, which he describes as ludicrous and entitled.

What does Dr. Taraban suggest men do if their partner is not in the mood for sex?

He suggests that men should respect their partner's decision, understand that they need to find satisfaction elsewhere, and communicate this in a non-petulant way.

What is the significance of establishing consequences early in a relationship?

Establishing consequences early on is important because it sets the precedent for how sexual desire and refusal will be handled, making it easier to navigate these issues later in the relationship.

How does Dr. Taraban describe the difference between men's and women's sexual desires?

He states that, in general, men want sex more often than women do, with men's desire being a drive and women's desire being a mood.

What metaphor does Dr. Taraban use to explain how men should handle sexual refusal?

He uses the restaurant metaphor, suggesting that if a man is turned down for sex, he should understand it as a restaurant being closed and take his appetite elsewhere without resentment.

What potential impact does refusing a regular customer have on a restaurant, according to Dr. Taraban?

While refusing one meal may not bankrupt the restaurant, it risks alienating a regular customer, which can jeopardize future business. Similarly, in a relationship, consistently refusing sex can jeopardize the relationship.

What is the 'price of sex' negotiation in early relationships?

In early relationships, both partners tacitly negotiate the 'price of sex,' meaning the level of attention, affection, and commitment expected in exchange for sexual activity.

What does Dr. Taraban say about the relative value of sex in a relationship?

He explains that if a man continues to give the same level of attention and affection without sex, he inadvertently increases the relative value of sex in the relationship, making it a more valuable commodity.