Escaping Porn Addiction | Eli Nash | TEDxFortWayne
Summary
TLDREllie Nash's TEDx talk candidly addresses the stigma surrounding porn addiction. He shares his personal journey from childhood trauma to adult struggles, highlighting the shame associated with this addiction. Nash emphasizes the power of storytelling in combating shame and the healing that comes from sharing one's hardships. His narrative illustrates the transformative potential of open dialogue and community support in overcoming addiction and the psychological burdens it carries.
Takeaways
- 😔 The speaker, Ellie Nash, openly shares his struggle with porn addiction, aiming to destigmatize the issue and promote healing through open discussion.
- 😳 He reveals his 'number-one goal' to his employees, which was to never watch porn again, demonstrating the personal nature of his commitment to change.
- 🤔 Ellie discusses the societal shame associated with porn addiction, highlighting its invisibility compared to other addictions like alcohol or gambling.
- 😢 He reflects on the impact of shame on psychological health, suggesting it is a significant barrier to addressing and overcoming addiction.
- 👶 Ellie's story begins with a childhood marred by fear and sexual abuse, which he suggests may have contributed to his later struggles with porn.
- 🏠 He associates feelings of safety with his grandmother's home, indicating the importance of a safe and nurturing environment in early life.
- 🔍 Ellie describes his initial encounter with porn through mail-order catalogues, which provided a temporary sense of peace but also led to feelings of guilt and shame.
- 🏥 A health scare involving a corneal ulcer leads Ellie to make a commitment to stop watching porn, showing that sometimes a personal crisis can be a catalyst for change.
- 🤝 He emphasizes the power of sharing personal stories in changing societal perceptions and reducing stigma, citing examples like Ryan White and child sexual abuse survivors.
- 👫 Ellie's journey towards recovery involves connecting with others who have similar struggles, illustrating the importance of community and support in overcoming addiction.
- 🎤 The speaker's decision to share his story publicly, including on a TEDx stage, underscores the transformative power of openness and vulnerability in personal growth and advocacy.
Q & A
What was Ellie's number-one goal when asked by his employees about his 10-year goal?
-Ellie's number-one goal was to never watch porn again.
How did Ellie's colleagues react to his admission about his goal of not watching porn?
-Ellie's colleagues were shocked, with one mumbling in disbelief and the other's expression shifting from shock to judgement and disgust.
Why does Ellie believe that shame is a significant factor in addiction?
-Ellie believes that shame and addiction are inseparable, and according to some psychologists, shame is the single biggest cause of most psychological problems.
How does Ellie describe the societal response to different addictions, particularly sex and porn addiction?
-Ellie notes that while people openly discuss other addictions like alcohol or gambling, there is a significant stigma and shame associated with sex and porn addiction, making it less likely for individuals to publicly acknowledge their struggle with it.
What role do personal stories play in changing societal perceptions and stigmas, according to Ellie?
-Ellie believes that personal stories humanize those with the issue, allowing for a change in societal conversations and stigmas, as exemplified by the story of Ryan White and the subsequent change in perceptions about HIV.
What was the pivotal moment in Ellie's life that led to his commitment to stop watching porn?
-The pivotal moment was when Ellie developed a corneal ulcer and believed that his excessive porn watching was the cause. He made a deal with a higher power to stop watching porn if his eye healed.
How did Ellie's relationship with his wife-to-be initially affect his struggle with porn addiction?
-In the beginning of their relationship, Ellie felt a sense of safety and peace similar to what he felt at his grandmother's home, which led to him not watching or even thinking about porn for a couple of months.
What was the turning point that led Ellie to finally seek help for his porn addiction?
-The turning point was a disagreement with his girlfriend, which led to Ellie feeling uncomfortable and reverting to watching porn. The shame he felt this time was greater due to the risk of jeopardizing his relationship, prompting him to confess to his therapist.
How did Ellie's involvement with a support group help him in his journey to overcome porn addiction?
-The support group allowed Ellie to share his story and connect with others who were struggling with the same addiction. This connection helped shift the shame and provided insights into the reasons behind his use of porn.
What was the significance of Ellie sharing his story on a larger platform, such as TEDx?
-Sharing his story on a larger platform was significant because it not only helped Ellie personally by turning his shame into a tool for healing but also had the potential to help others by spreading awareness and understanding about porn addiction.
What message does Ellie hope to convey to the audience with his story?
-Ellie hopes to convey that sharing one's hardships can move individuals through shame and into healing, and that everyone has a powerful story to share that can help others overcome their struggles.
Outlines
😔 Overcoming Shame: The Struggle with Porn Addiction
Ellie Nash begins by sharing a personal story of confronting the shame associated with porn addiction. In a meeting with employees, he reveals his top 10-year goal to abstain from watching porn, which shocks and judges his colleagues. He discusses the societal stigma around porn addiction and the lack of public acknowledgment compared to other addictions. Ellie emphasizes the role of shame in psychological problems and how sharing personal stories can humanize and reduce stigma, citing examples like Ryan White and the change in perception around HIV.
😢 Childhood Trauma and the Descent into Addiction
Ellie recounts his childhood, growing up in a large family in Brooklyn, New York, and the sense of fear and unease that pervaded his early years. He found solace in his grandmother's home, a place of safety that was later lost as she fell ill. The narrative shifts to a painful memory of sexual abuse by an older boy, which shattered his sense of security. Ellie then describes how he found temporary peace in viewing mail-order catalogs, which led to an obsession with images of women and a cycle of shame and self-loathing associated with pornography.
😖 The Cycle of Shame and Failed Commitments
Ellie shares his struggle with the commitment to stop watching porn, which was repeatedly broken, even after a health scare with a corneal ulcer that he initially attributed to excessive porn viewing. Despite the fear and the commitment made to various deities for recovery, his addiction persisted. He highlights the difficulty of discussing this issue, even with a therapist, due to the overwhelming sense of shame. It wasn't until a significant relationship was at risk that Ellie finally revealed his secret and sought help, leading to a lunch meeting with another porn addict who provided a sense of understanding and relief from shame.
😇 Healing Through Connection and Sharing Stories
Ellie discusses the transformative power of connection and sharing stories in overcoming shame associated with porn addiction. He describes meeting with a successful professional who also struggled with the same addiction, leading to a profound conversation that shifted the shame. This experience introduced him to a support group where he began to understand the reasons behind his addiction and to appreciate the community's openness. Ellie's narrative culminates in his decision to share his story publicly, first in small settings and eventually on a larger platform, with the hope of turning shame into a tool for healing for himself and others.
🙌 Embracing the Journey Toward Healing and Acceptance
In the final paragraph, Ellie reflects on his journey and the importance of asking for help. He recounts an opportunity to share his story at a company storytelling event, which he initially passed on due to resistance from the facilitator. However, this experience galvanized Ellie's resolve to share his story on an even larger stage, such as TEDx, to challenge the stigma and shame associated with porn addiction. He concludes by expressing gratitude for the opportunity to share his story with an accepting audience, viewing it as a crucial step toward achieving his goal of abstaining from porn and encouraging others to share their stories as well.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Pornography
💡Shame
💡Addiction
💡Healing
💡Stigma
💡Humanize
💡Ryan White
💡Therapy
💡Support Group
💡Storytelling
💡Acceptance
Highlights
Ellie Nash openly shares his goal to never watch porn again, revealing the personal struggle with porn addiction.
The initial shock and judgment from colleagues when Ellie discloses his goal highlights the stigma around porn addiction.
Ellie emphasizes the connection between shame and addiction, particularly the societal shame associated with porn and sex addiction.
He points out that unlike other addictions, there is a lack of public acknowledgment of sobriety from porn and sex addiction.
Ellie discusses the broader impact of shame, referencing psychologists who consider it a primary cause of psychological issues.
The narrative shifts to societal progress in reducing shame around topics like domestic violence and HIV, suggesting a path forward for porn addiction.
Personal stories, such as Ryan White's, are highlighted as instrumental in changing public perception and reducing stigma.
Ellie shares his own childhood trauma and how it led to a sense of safety being shattered, setting the stage for his later addiction.
The speaker describes an early experience of finding temporary safety and peace through viewing mail-order catalogues.
Ellie's struggle with the shame and guilt associated with his porn addiction, and his repeated failed attempts to quit.
A health scare with a corneal ulcer leads Ellie to make a desperate promise to quit porn if his sight is saved.
Despite the initial success in quitting, Ellie's addiction resurfaces, illustrating the complexity of overcoming addiction through willpower alone.
The importance of seeking help and community support is underscored through Ellie's experience in therapy and joining a support group.
Ellie's transformational realization that his addiction could be a source of connection and healing rather than shame.
The decision to share his story publicly as a means to combat shame and help others, starting with small steps and building up to larger platforms.
Ellie's TEDx talk represents a significant step in his journey to turn shame into a tool for healing and helping others with similar struggles.
The powerful conclusion where Ellie receives a text from someone who has been inspired by his story to quit porn, demonstrating the impact of sharing personal struggles.
Ellie's final message encourages the audience to share their stories as a means to overcome shame and assist others in their struggles.
Transcripts
sharing our hardships
moves us through shame and into healing
both for our cell
and others about a year ago I'm sitting
in my conference room with a couple of
my employees and one of them asks me
Ellie what's your goal do my goal for
this meeting I asked this is no I'm
talking about your 10-year goal
I looked him straight in the eye and I
said my number-one goal is to never
watch porn again both of them were
shocked I'm sure it wasn't the response
they were expecting the first one kind
of mumbled something like it's porn
really that bad when I turned to look at
the other the other guy his face went
from shock to judgement then to disgust
almost if to say what's wrong with you
what sort of pervert are you how much
porn must you have watched for your
number one goal to be to never watch
porn again why is there so much shame
around porn addiction I mean anyone who
understands addiction understands that
shame and addiction are inseparable but
if we were to stack the different
addictions and rate the one that has the
motion
certainly we put sex addiction and
included in that porn addiction at the
top all of us certainly me I've been at
dinner and a friend would say I'm not
drinking anymore others would say I
don't gamble anymore but I haven't met
one person who publicly acknowledged
that acknowledges effect that they're
sober from porn and/or sex addiction
so now you guys have met someone
fortunately you know the thing about
shame is that shame is much bigger than
addiction according to some
psychologists shame is a single biggest
cause of most of our psychological
problems so it's certainly an issue
that's worth addressing and if there's
an idea that can make a dent in the
amount of shame we feel certainly it's
an idea worth spreading fortunately
there are many subjects that were once
steeped in shame and stigma and today
are much less so domestic violence even
HIV child sex abuse and many others and
what I've seen and I think you'll see if
you look at it is for a conversation to
change it needs people to share their
stories so we're able to humanize people
who once had this issue take Ryan
White's many of you may know Ryan White
was a 14 year old kid living in Kokomo
Indiana who got HIV from a blood
transfusion he completely shattered the
stigma of what we thought someone who
had HIV was 14 year old kid who got it
from a blood transfusion that's not what
we thought the bill that Congress passed
that funds the help awareness around
AIDS is actually called the Ryan White
Care Act
it's those personal stories that really
allow us to change conversations and
change stigma my own life several weeks
ago you know I grew up Jewish and
Orthodox and I know many rabbis until a
few weeks ago I didn't know of one who
publicly aknowledge acknowledged being
sexually abused as a child and several
weeks ago there was an article in a
newspaper in Utah where a rabbi publicly
acknowledged being abused over a 10-year
period by his nanny he credited his own
willingness to step forward to hearing a
leer Iseman the Olympic gymnast who
testified against her abuser in court to
him doing the same several weeks later
the second rabbi I know stepped forward
the rabbi in Utah was invited to speak
on a podcast and his host a rabbi in
Brooklyn became the second rabbi I know
publicly acknowledged being sexually
abused sharing stories changes the
conversation porn kicked my ass but
before I tell you how I met porn let me
bring you back to who I was I was I grew
up one of nine children in a small
community in Brooklyn New York from a
very young age I felt a lot of fear I
felt on edge something was going to go
wrong always the one place I didn't feel
this way in the home of my grandmother
as soon as I stepped through the
threshold of her apartment it just
seemed like the noise stopped I wasn't
worried about something else happening I
was just present and I looked forward to
those times we went to her home
unfortunately over the years she grew
ill and our visits to her home became
less and less frequent as did my feeling
of safety the very next time I remember
feeling safe again was when an older boy
in the community five or six years older
than I was
took a little a lot of interest in me he
took me to baseball games took me to
synagogue he taught me to play computer
games and one day he brought me into his
bedroom locked the door and used my
eight-year-old body to bring himself to
orgasm and in that day again my safety
was shattered the next time I remember
feeling that feeling that familiar or
not so familiar feeling of safety that
feeling that I was once again in my
grandma's home so sitting on my couch
and I heard a clink in the mailbox stuff
were delivered I ran over and I saw a
catalogue with a picture of a
nice-looking woman on it so I flipped
through it and I made my way to the
lingerie section and as soon as I saw
those pictures I just felt this piece
come over me I was present I was
completely there and through this magic
mailbox came all sorts of things it
became somewhat of a somewhat of an
obsession of mine to check the mail one
day Victoria shared her secret with me
right through that mailbox
and then the highlight of my year became
some of you may know this the Sports
Illustrated Swimsuit Edition so much
peace so much safety but despite the
fact that I felt good when I was engaged
in viewing these catalogs
I felt really bad afterwards I felt like
I was doing something wrong and I wanted
to stop and I promised myself that every
year for my birthday every year for my
birthday I promised myself I'm done I'm
done watching porn and every year on my
birthday I broke my promise to myself
and it's not because I wasn't committed
I really really wanted to as a matter of
fact when I was 22 years old I woke up
one morning with an eye and irritated I
was bothering me pretty badly
so I made an appointment at the eye
doctor and I went to Mount Sinai Medical
Center on Miami Beach when I sat down in
the chair and the doctor rolled over his
stool and looked at my eyes through his
machine a look of concern came over his
face he said Ellie you have a corneal
ulcer I've looked at your chart you're
allergic to some antibiotics ulcers are
notoriously resistant to antibiotics
that's not a good thing they can cause
blindness what I'm going to need from
you is to come to my office every single
day for the next 14 days so we can
monitor how your eye how the ulcer is
reacting to the antibiotics his
treatment working I left his office and
sheer terror I was convinced I was
losing my eyesight and I was further
convinced that the reason I was losing
my eyesight was because I was misusing
my eyes I was watching way too much porn
in that moment I made a deal and I made
a commitment with the universe with God
with karma with whoever had this power
that if somehow someway this ulcer would
clear up I would never watch porn again
the second day I returned to the doctor
no improvement when I left his office my
commitment was that much stronger that
much more firm I was never going to
watch porn again
if this ulcer would clear up the third
day I came back to the doctor he looked
at me and he said I got good news
he thought he was sharing one piece of
good news with me but who's really
sharing two he shared with me that the
ulcer was responding to the antibiotics
and I'd be okay
although he did want to see me didn't
want to continue to see me but the
second piece of good news was that I was
done with porn I had a deal it was over
I was never watching porn again I left
his office ecstatic I've never felt so
good my friends I did not last one week
away from porn because it's not about
commitment it's not about willpower it's
not even about consequences I was in a
place where I was too uncomfortable to
even ask anyone for help to even talk to
anyone about this you know if someone
called me today and said hey Ellie I
just went to an eye doctor and I think
I'm losing my sight because I watched
too much porn one of the things I would
do is laugh and tell him that you're not
going blind because of porn if that was
the case you'd have a lot of blind
people I mean the statistics are pretty
staggering there's a website fight the
new drug org an organization which
combats pornography and every year they
published the Year in Review of porn so
what a 20-18 look like 2018 Year in
Review so a hundred million people
logged on every single day to see the
nearly 5 million videos that were
uploaded in 2018 5 million videos that's
one video every 60 seconds or so which
would mean that if I was to start
watching the first one today I would
never have to watch the same one twice
for a hundred and fifteen years and
that's just one website so a lot of
people are watching porn but I wasn't
comfortable talking to anyone so much so
that eventually when I got into therapy
and I spoke to my therapist about
everything my childhood sexual abuse my
relationships or lack thereof my goals
my wishes my desires my work I didn't
talk I need to tell him anything about
porn I didn't tell him anything about me
trying and for
for so many years with it was too much
shame five or six years into therapy
I began dating a girl who would one day
become my wife when I met her she remind
me of my grandmother and there's just a
similar feeling of safety of peace and
for the first couple months I was with
her not only did I not watch porn I
didn't even think about it
it just it felt like the obsession just
evaporated it was gone about three or
four months into our relationship we got
into a disagreement I felt uncomfortable
and I did what I've been doing for years
when I felt discomfort I watched a
little bit of porn but I felt different
this time I felt so much more shame and
I knew that there were a lot more at
stake before it was just about me and I
had reason to stop and I tried to stop
but this was going to jeopardize a
relationship and as and I certainly
didn't tell her about it and as that
secret kind of grew between us and
pushed us further away I saw what I was
risking and I walked back into my
therapists office and I told him the
truth I'd been hiding a secret keeping a
secret from him so watching a lot of
porn I really wanted to stop to my
surprise my therapist suggested I meet
with someone of all people
another porn addict I thought I'd get
some advice from him some suggestions
but no he said the first thing I want
you to do is meet this guy so I went to
lunch I didn't think I want to be clear
I did not think I was a porn addict at
that time I wasn't even sure that I
thought porn could be an addiction I've
since learned better on both fronts but
I went to lunch with this gentleman when
I sat down with him I was surprised to
find someone who was not only very
articulate and very easy to relate to
he's also very accomplished very
professional successfully he ran a
company with a couple hundred people and
as we spoke he shared his story with me
and I found myself sharing more details
than I've ever shared with anyone in my
life and in the process
I felt the shame shifting and if we
understand the science of shame we
understand why that was happening in
that conversation dr. Bernie Brown the
famous researcher shame researcher
explains shame as a fear the fear of not
being worthy of connection so when I'm
sitting at lunch with someone and of all
people I'm connecting over porn
addiction the thing that has brought me
the most shameless a McClay for healing
he introduced me to a support group of
many others who were also struggling
with this addiction and I was surprised
that the people I met in their
successful doctors attorneys people who
had their lives together outside of this
one area not all of them but a lot of
them and I learned a lot about why I was
using porn and I began asking my
questions like my questions more like
why was I using porn right what are the
reasons I'm going there verse like why
can't I get rid of porn right the focus
didn't come on poor the focus moved from
porn to my own stuff and a lot of ways I
felt grateful for my addiction I began
to love it
except I hated one thing I hated that it
was a porn addiction like why couldn't I
get another addiction why of all things
was it this and I kind of wondered you
know what are ways we can change us I
have a mentor and a teacher who says
that if we see a problem but we don't
see the solution we're the problem but
if we see a problem and we see the
solution you got yourself a calling so I
knew the solution the solution was for
everyone in the support group just to
share their stories publicly and if they
did that everyone would know what a porn
addict is and we'd be fine but they
didn't so I said you know what I'll
start doing it and I began sharing in
small ways sometimes one-on-one and like
I did in the conference room with a
couple employees that day someone better
and someone worse
but I was enjoying what I was doing and
I said you know one day I'm going to do
this in a more significant way about six
months ago the opportunity presented
itself
our company every year has a evening of
storytelling seven or eight employees
get up share their stories share their
message
and it really creates a strong family
environment a family culture creates
trust in there and six months ago I
raised my hand and said I would like to
share my story I would like to share
so the facilitator asked me what's your
message what's your topic said my
message is the importance of asking for
help when we're in trouble and my topic
is porn addiction you should have seen
his face do you think you're gonna talk
about porn addiction from that stage I
said yeah absolutely that's my story
it's a Tele you're the CEO of this
company people look up to you people
respect you you are not talking about
porn addiction we went back and forth
and eventually the evening came and I
did not talk about porn addiction the
next morning and over the next few days
I just felt if he may be a little
shameful and I told myself that I'm
going to share this from a much bigger
stage I'm gonna share it from the
biggest stage I know I'm gonna share it
from the TEDx stage not only for the
audience there or the audience here but
also that that my story is on the
Internet that internet that magic
mailbox which kicked my ass for so many
years instead of being a vehicle of
shame like it was for me when I'll be a
vehicle of healing for myself and others
because it truly is that when we share
our hardships it moves us through shame
and into healing both for ourselves and
others
not long ago I received a text message
it read since our conversation I've been
clean for three months I haven't watched
any porn I don't remember the last time
I was clean for a week I thanked him for
sharing this with me because it feels
really good when my story is not only
accepted by someone but they find it
useful it helps them he followed that up
with another text message and he said
I'll never forget who got me started and
I pinch myself when I hear these things
because who got him started was someone
who for so many years was so ashamed of
this part of himself so ashamed of the
porn addiction but one day I got so
desperate that I asked for help and I
was introduced to a community of people
who shared their stories so freely
and willingly with me and in the process
taught me such an important message
probably the most important message of
all my story is not only something not
to be ashamed of it might just be
something to be proud of so I ask you
here consider doing the same talk about
porn addiction consider consider doing
the same there is no one here who has
not experienced shame there's no one who
has not overcome struggle and there's no
one who does not have a powerful story
to share because I can tell you this
from my own experience there's no better
feeling than turning top then turning
shame upside down smashing it upside the
head and using it as a way to help
others my name is Ellie Nash I'm a porn
addict and I want to thank you because
there's no better way I've found than
this sharing my story in front of an
accepting room accepting audience to hit
or to give me the best chance of
achieving my number one goal to never
watch porn again thank you so much
you
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