why going NO CONTACT with AVOIDANT can BACKFIRE

Summary

In this video, a therapist and doctoral psychology student discusses why the 'no contact' strategy can sometimes backfire, particularly for avoidant attachment styles. While it’s often used with the intention of making a partner change or return, the therapist explains that it can create feelings of rejection, uncertainty, and emotional instability for avoidants. This can worsen the relationship, leading to resentment, frustration, and even a deeper disconnect. The video emphasizes that communication, understanding, and compromise are more effective in fostering healthy change and relationship growth than using control tactics like no contact.

Takeaways

• 😀 No contact can backfire if used as a strategy to regain control in a relationship, especially with an avoidant partner.
• 😀 The avoidant partner may not yearn for you after no contact, but instead feel rejected or manipulated, making them less likely to reconnect.
• 😀 Cutting off communication can create a sense of uncertainty, making the avoidant partner feel unsafe and less likely to open up.
• 😀 No contact might make the avoidant partner feel suffocated, as they value their independence and need the freedom to leave without punishment.
• 😀 The strategy of no contact may be perceived as immature or manipulative, undermining trust and confidence in the relationship.
• 😀 Avoidants often feel uncomfortable when faced with ultimatums or control tactics, and no contact can exacerbate this feeling.
• 😀 Using no contact as a tool for change can make the relationship feel like a game, leading to frustration and a lack of compromise.
• 😀 The no contact rule can foster resentment in the avoidant partner, especially if they don't get a chance to explain their side or express their feelings.
• 😀 No contact can lead the avoidant partner to feel emotionally distant, reducing their affection and commitment over time.
• 😀 Healthy relationships thrive on communication, empathy, and compromise, not on rigid strategies like no contact meant to change the partner's behavior.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the transcript?

The transcript discusses why the 'no contact' strategy can sometimes backfire, particularly when dealing with avoidant partners in relationships.

Why does the speaker believe 'no contact' can backfire with avoidant individuals?

Because avoidant individuals may perceive no contact as rejection, punishment, or an attempt to control them, which can make them withdraw even more instead of wanting to reconnect.

When might 'no contact' work effectively according to the speaker?

It can work if both partners truly need space after a genuine breakup, or when the goal is emotional healing rather than using it as a manipulation strategy to make the partner change.

How can using 'no contact' as a control tactic damage a relationship?

When one partner uses no contact to gain control or force the other to change, it can create resentment, distrust, and a sense of emotional instability in the relationship.

What effect does 'no contact' have on an avoidant person’s sense of safety?

It can increase their feelings of uncertainty and emotional unsafety, making them less likely to open up or re-engage with the relationship.

How might avoidant individuals interpret the no contact strategy?

They may see it as manipulative, immature, or as a sign that their partner lacks communication skills and emotional confidence, which can discourage future connection.

What does the speaker say about the importance of communication and compromise?

The speaker emphasizes that open communication and compromise are usually better for resolving conflict than resorting to strategies like no contact to provoke change.

How does the speaker differentiate between genuine breakup space and strategic no contact?

Genuine space occurs when both partners agree the relationship has ended or needs distance, while strategic no contact is used to manipulate or influence the other partner’s behavior.

What emotional response might avoidant partners have if they feel controlled through no contact?

They may feel suffocated, frustrated, or even resentful, leading them to pull back further and question the stability of the relationship.

What is the long-term risk of using no contact to manage an avoidant relationship?

The strategy can create cycles of separation and reconnection without genuine conflict resolution, potentially leading to ongoing instability and emotional disconnection.

How does the speaker suggest avoidants might react if they recognize the no contact strategy?

Many avoidants, aware of online relationship strategies, may feel irritated or dismissive when they sense their partner is using no contact as a tactic rather than a genuine emotional boundary.

What final advice does the speaker give about handling avoidant partners?

The speaker advises focusing on communication, understanding, and mutual compromise instead of using manipulative strategies like no contact to force change.