Stripping Down the Hookup Culture: The Need for Emotional Visibility | Erin Miller | TEDxQueensU

Summary

The speaker explores the paradox of online dating, where despite the ease of connection, true intimacy is elusive. Highlighting the rise of hookup culture and the decline of traditional dating, they discuss the impact of technology and social media on relationships. Emphasizing the importance of vulnerability and presence in fostering deep connections, the talk calls for a cultural shift towards authentic intimacy, especially among younger generations, and the need for education on emotional literacy and communication.

Takeaways

• 💡 Online dating is a popular and growing industry, with 49 million singles participating and contributing to a $1.8 billion annual market.
• 🚀 The script highlights the excitement and risks of online dating, including the potential for misrepresentation and inappropriate exchanges.
• 🔍 There's a cultural shift towards casual dating, with apps like Tinder contributing to a 'hookup culture' that lacks deep emotional connection.
• 📉 The divorce rate in the U.S. and Canada is alarmingly high at 52%, and there's a trend of young people marrying later or not at all.
• 👶 The importance of being present and showing up in relationships is emphasized, with a personal anecdote about the speaker's mother's advice on the cruelty of ignoring others.
• 📚 The script suggests that the digital age is enabling a hookup culture that is devoid of intimacy, impacting the way people connect and relate to each other.
• 💔 It points out that empathy, vulnerability, and compassion are not being exercised in relationships, leading to a lack of deep connections.
• 🌐 The speaker discusses the impact of social media and technology on youth, noting that American children interact with devices from a young age and spend significant time on social media.
• 📉 The rise of casual sex and hookup culture is linked to psychological issues such as increased depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem.
• 🌟 The potential of post-millennials (Generation Z) to embrace individual uniqueness and differences is highlighted, suggesting they could lead towards a more emotionally literate society.
• 🛑 The script calls for a change in the current social climate, advocating for models of authentic intimacy and the importance of teaching emotional literacy and communication skills.

Q & A

What is the general sentiment towards online dating at the beginning of the script?

The script starts with a light-hearted and somewhat excited tone about online dating, suggesting that it's a common and initially exciting experience for many people.

Why does the speaker mention the term 'psychopath' or 'Craigslist killer' in the context of online dating?

The speaker uses these terms to humorously illustrate the potential risks and red flags one might encounter while dating online, emphasizing the importance of being cautious when interacting with strangers.

What is the significance of the phrase 'white picket fence and 2.5 kids' in the script?

This phrase is a cultural symbol representing the idealized American dream of a happy family life. The speaker uses it to express the initial optimism and romanticized expectations that can come with online dating.

How many singles have reportedly tried online dating, according to the script?

The script states that 49 million singles have dabbled in online dating, indicating its widespread popularity.

What is the annual revenue of the online dating industry mentioned in the script?

The script mentions that the online dating industry is a 1.8 billion dollar a year industry, highlighting its economic significance.

What cultural shift is the speaker referring to in relation to dating apps?

The speaker refers to a cultural shift where dating is becoming more casual, and fear of missing out (FOMO) is prevalent, leading to a rise in dating apps and a change in traditional dating norms.

What are some of the modern dating trends mentioned in the script?

The script mentions trends such as 'pocketing' and 'cookie jarring,' which are part of the new casual dating culture that has emerged with the popularity of dating apps.

What is the current divorce rate in the U.S. and Canada according to the script?

The script suggests that the divorce rate in the U.S. and Canada is at an alarming high of 52 percent, and it is suspected to be rising.

What advice did the speaker's mother give her about relationships that had a profound impact?

The advice was that the cruelest thing one can do to another human being is to ignore them, and conversely, the greatest kindness is to be present and show up in relationships, regardless of the emotions felt.

How does the speaker describe the impact of technology on youth and their understanding of authentic intimacy?

The speaker suggests that while technology provides vast knowledge, it also exposes youth to a casual attitude towards sex and relationships, potentially leading to an intimacy crisis and a lack of understanding of authentic intimacy.

What challenge does the speaker issue at the end of the script?

The speaker challenges the audience to defy the current social climate of hookups and emotional invisibility by forging new models that demonstrate authentic intimacy, emphasizing the need for action to prevent an emotionally bankrupt society.

Outlines

00:00

😀 The Reality of Online Dating

The speaker humorously introduces the prevalence of online dating, highlighting the initial excitement and potential pitfalls, such as receiving inappropriate pictures. They discuss the industry's growth, referencing the number of singles involved and the billion-dollar market. The cultural shift towards casual dating is noted, with terms like 'Netflix and chill' becoming the norm. The speaker also touches on the impact of dating apps on traditional courtship and commitment, citing high divorce rates and a decline in marriage among young adults. A personal anecdote about the importance of presence in relationships is shared, emphasizing the advice given by the speaker's mother about the cruelty of ignoring others and the kindness of being present.

05:01

😔 The Decline of Empathy and the Rise of Emotional Invisibility

This paragraph delves into the consequences of modern dating trends, such as quick judgments and a lack of depth in relationships, facilitated by apps like Tinder. The speaker warns of a future where traditional romance might be replaced by casual encounters and unplanned pregnancies. They discuss the societal shift towards emotional invisibility, where people are less likely to invest in deep connections. The dangers of internet and social media addiction are mentioned, along with the fear of authenticity due to potential condemnation. A memoir story about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Loretta Scott King's first meeting is shared to illustrate the importance of looking beyond first impressions.

10:01

👶 The Impact of Technology on Youth and the Need for Emotional Literacy

The speaker addresses the challenges faced by the post-millennial generation, characterized by their acceptance of diversity and individuality. However, they also face an 'intimacy crisis' due to the casual attitude towards sex and relationships fostered by hookup culture. Psychological effects of multiple hookups, such as increased depression and anxiety, are discussed. The influence of technology on youth is highlighted, with children spending more time with devices than with parents or teachers. The speaker calls for more education on emotional literacy, communication, and boundaries, as well as a media literacy approach to pornography, which often misinforms young people about intimacy.

15:01

🌟 The Challenge to Foster Authentic Intimacy and Emotional Connection

In the final paragraph, the speaker issues a challenge to defy the current social climate of hookups and emotional invisibility. They emphasize the importance of modeling authentic intimacy for future generations and the need to educate about emotional literacy and communication. The speaker reflects on the societal changes and the burden on young people to navigate complex issues without proper guidance. They conclude with a call to action, urging the audience to consider the legacy they will leave and to take steps to promote genuine connection and understanding in relationships.

Keywords

💡Online Dating

Online dating refers to the use of internet services to find and interact with potential romantic partners. In the video's context, it is presented as an exciting yet sometimes superficial way of meeting people, which is a part of the broader cultural shift towards casual dating. The script mentions the experience of matching with someone and the anticipation of meeting offline, highlighting the initial excitement and the eventual challenges that come with it.

💡Hookup Culture

Hookup culture is a social environment where casual sexual encounters are the norm, often replacing more traditional forms of dating and courtship. The video discusses how this culture has emerged due to the ease of meeting people online and the fear of missing out (FOMO), leading to a decrease in commitment and an increase in short-term relationships. It is contrasted with the traditional values of romance and commitment.

💡Emotional Visibility

Emotional visibility in the video refers to the willingness to be authentic, open, and emotionally present in relationships. It is presented as a counterpoint to the emotional invisibility that can result from hookup culture, where people may hide their true feelings or avoid deep connections. The script emphasizes the importance of emotional visibility for building meaningful relationships and avoiding emotional bankruptcy.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, without trying to impress others by adopting a false or exaggerated persona. In the context of the video, authenticity is linked to the ability to form deep and meaningful connections. The script points out that people often hide behind social media personas, which can hinder the development of genuine relationships.

💡Intimacy

Intimacy in the video is described as the deep emotional connection that comes from being vulnerable and present with another person. It is contrasted with the superficial connections often formed in hookup culture. The script discusses how the pursuit of authenticity and emotional visibility can foster intimacy, which is essential for healthy relationships.

💡Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

FOMO is the anxiety that an individual might miss out on rewarding experiences that others are having. In the video, FOMO is cited as a driving force behind the casual dating culture, where people may engage in multiple relationships to avoid the feeling of being left out or missing out on potential connections.

💡Digital Age

The digital age refers to the current era dominated by digital technology and the internet. The video discusses how the digital age has enabled new forms of communication and connection, such as online dating, but also how it can contribute to the erosion of traditional dating values and the rise of hookup culture.

💡Cultural Shift

Cultural shift denotes a significant change in the beliefs, behaviors, and attitudes of a society over time. The video describes a cultural shift towards casual dating and away from traditional courtship and commitment, largely influenced by the digital age and the prevalence of online dating apps.

💡Emotional Invisibility

Emotional invisibility in the video is the state of not showing one's true feelings or emotions, often as a result of fear or the desire to avoid vulnerability. It is presented as a consequence of the hookup culture, where people may prioritize casual encounters over deep connections, leading to a lack of emotional intimacy.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to expose oneself to the possibility of being hurt or rejected by sharing one's true feelings and experiences. The video emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in forming deep connections and contrasts it with the emotional protection that can come from the casual nature of hookup culture.

💡Media Literacy

Media literacy refers to the ability to access, analyze, evaluate, and create media in a variety of forms. In the context of the video, media literacy is suggested as a necessary skill to navigate the influence of pornography and social media on young people's understanding of relationships and intimacy.

Highlights

The speaker begins by engaging the audience with a question about their experiences with online dating.

A humorous anecdote about receiving an unexpected revealing photo during online dating sets the tone for the talk.

Online dating is a $1.8 billion industry, indicating its widespread popularity and impact on modern relationships.

The speaker discusses the prevalence of dating apps and the cultural shift towards casual dating.

The emergence of 'hookup culture' and its implications on traditional courtship and commitment are explored.

Statistics on the high divorce rate and the decline in young marriages are presented, suggesting a societal change.

The speaker argues that the digital age enables hookup culture, which lacks the intimacy of deep connections.

A personal story about the importance of showing up in relationships is shared, emphasizing empathy and compassion.

The rapid judgment of people on dating apps is compared to not reading beyond the cover of a book.

The speaker predicts a future where romance and traditional dating may become extinct due to current trends.

The dangers of internet and social media addiction are highlighted, with over 210 million people affected.

The speaker discusses the fear of authenticity in the age of social media and its impact on relationships.

A memoir story about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Loretta Scott King illustrates the power of emotional connection.

The importance of vulnerability for deep human connection is underscored by referencing Dr. Bernie Brown's research.

The speaker challenges the audience to move society from casual sex to emotional visibility and connection.

Generation Z is described as kind and accepting, but potentially the first to not know how to court a potential mate.

The impact of social media and technology on youth, and the need for education on emotional literacy and boundaries, is emphasized.

The speaker calls for a change in the current model of relationships, urging the audience to take action for a better legacy.

A final challenge is issued to the audience to rise to the occasion and redefine what authentic intimacy looks like.

Transcripts

[Music]

so show of hands in the room how many of

you have tried online dating come on get

them up I can kind of see you

I'm imagining most of you have tried

online dating and it's exciting at first

right match with a cute guy and you

check out his profile and there's no red

flags that he's a psychopath or the

Craigslist killer so that's a positive

so you decide to go for it

right maybe if you give him your phone

number cuz maybe at the off chance

you'll actually meet offline everything

seems to be going really well and the

next thing you know you're driving down

the interstate thinking about your newly

found love interest listening to love

ballets on replay other people do that

right and you think wow this could be it

this could be my person like the search

is finally over like I can see like a

white picket fence and 2.5 kids kind of

search is over right and then it happens

you get a text message you look down at

it just to see it's from your guy and

you open it up to see a beautiful

picture of him smiling back at you

wearing nothing but a smile

it's all fun and games till they send

you a picture of themselves in their

birthday suit welcome to online dating

49 million singles have dabbled in

online datings so it's no surprise it's

a 1.8 billion dollar a year industry and

growing I mean now we can shop for

potential mate as easily as a pair of

designer shoes need a date for tonight

so about a billion other people and

they're all on dating apps everywhere

you look you see another one you've got

zoosk

plenty of fish bumble hinder harmony

match.com hoozy what see I mean they're

everywhere these apps are direct results

of a cultural shift we're dating is

becoming more of a casual activity and

FOMO fear of missing out is running

rampant Netflix and chill is becoming

the new dinner and a movie rather and

things like pocketing and cookie jarring

and casts bringer like the latest dating

trends we have to be made aware of and

we do even at what are those what are

those things

ladies and gentlemen gone are the days

of traditional courtship romance and

commitment welcome to hookup culture we

have new models now so say hello to a

culture of free choice personal

fulfillment and an anything-goes

approach interestingly enough the

divorce rate in the u.s. in Canada

is at an all-time alarming high of 52

percent and I suspect rising and less

and less young people are choosing to

marry early if at all a Gallup poll

conducted in June of 2015 looked at the

number of married u.s. adults between

the ages of 18 and 29 they found that

there is a decrease from 30 to 15

percent over the last decade so I ask

you why didn't run in women say that

today it's harder now than ever before

to date well I believe I believe the

answer to that is simple this abundant

digital age that we live in is actually

enabling hookup culture which by its

very name we know is complete

the void of intimacy the intimacy only

found in deep connection with others

when I was a little girl I got into a

fight with my mother over something so

monumental that to this very moment I

have no recollection of what it was

about but clearly was important and I

remember I did not speak to her for

three solid days not for lack of her

trying and on the third day she took me

by the hand walked me into the kitchen

and sat me down looked me in the eye and

gave me a piece of advice that would

shift my perspective on relationships

forever

she said Erin Elizabeth now you know

when the mom uses the middle name like

they are not messing around

she said the cruelest thing that you can

ever do to another human being is to

ignore them conversely the greatest

kindness you can ever give to another

human being is to be present and to show

up in your relationships regardless of

the emotions you're feeling I share this

with you because today it's never been

easier to connect with somebody

conversely it's never been easier to

disconnect from somebody when mother

said that people can be cruel she wasn't

kidding

empathy vulnerability compassion the

three single most important ingredients

found in connection are not being

exercised regularly in our relationships

thanks to the likes of tinder we're

judging people so quickly that we are

simply glancing at a cover of a book

without ever reading what's written

inside the pages meaningless

relationships and cheap thrills are

becoming our new norm and things like

romance and dating they're becoming

extinct can you imagine two generations

from now your grandchildren looking up

at even saying how did you and Grandpa

meet and your response saying well and

involved tender a one-night stand and an

unplanned pregnancy

a far cry from the likes of the notebook

but that's where we're headed that's

where we're headed people are becoming

more jaded cynical closed hearted and

simply unwilling to put in the effort to

cultivate these deep and lasting

relationships because let's face it

today the risk is not worth the reward

so what I do know is that if we don't

show up in our relationships we will

become emotionally invisible and if we

become emotionally invisible

we will definitely breed an emotionally

invisible Society it is estimated that

over 210 million people suffer from

Internet and social media addictions

worldwide so it's no surprise that they

compare the feeling of meeting somebody

online with the feeling of experimenting

with drugs for the first time people are

actually addicted to that is that high

that next hit of dopamine when finding

love online but the crash is usually

always impending because people aren't

allowing themselves to be authentic and

how can they be we showcase our entire

lives via Instagram snapchat Facebook

myself included right so but people are

afraid they're afraid to be authentic

because a fear of condemnation I mean I

only post about the good stuff my life

saw sunshine and roses right I don't

talk about the sheer terror I felt when

I lost my last business venture

unexpectedly or the fact that I have

extreme mom guilts because my son is

growing up in an environment without his

father I certainly don't talk about my

constant body image issues and the daily

battle I have with my scale but that's

me

those are my truths and I hide

when you think about things like this it

makes the hug up seemed like a really

attractive option because there's safety

and anonymity that does not bode well

for a process that requires radical

authenticity I want to share with you a

story from a memoir that I came across

while I was preparing for my talk which

seemed to scream relevancy to me it all

started when a mutual friend played

matchmaker sliding the number of a young

girl studying voice at the University of

Boston across the table and into the

hands of an eager young man who studied

getting his PhD at the Boston School of

Theology

the eager young man immediately called

her and asked her if he could meet her

in person she accepted reluctantly and

said he could take her for lunch her

first impression of him over the phone

was that he was the prim and proper

black-suited and boring type but on a

cold Thursday in January the young man

showed up in his green Chevy it wasn't

love at first sight much as she had

anticipated he was not that impressive

he was quite short he looked quite young

and he was indeed the black-suited and

boring type but something happened not

long into their date her view of him

changed completely she realized that he

wasn't anything other than a man of

substance and the longer he spoke the

taller he grew in stature and the more

mature he became in her eyes this is the

love story between dr. Martin Luther

King jr. and Loretta Scott King the

founders of a well documented legacy of

using non-violence to affect legislative

change

legacy of activism social reform the

civil rights work that continues today a

legacy that began in 1952 between a man

and a woman who chose to be emotionally

invisible to one another

dr. Bernie Brown a brilliant researcher

out of the University of Houston focuses

her work around vulnerability and the

implications to us as people if we

desensitize ourselves towards it she

states that staying vulnerable is a risk

we have to take if we want to experience

deep human connection that we must allow

ourselves to be seen and have the power

to be imperfect that by dodging

vulnerability we not only chien

ourselves of intimacy but also making

relationships work it is the birthplace

of creativity of love and of joy but how

do we move an entire culture that is

saturated in this casualness towards sex

in relationship towards that of

emotional visibility and connection the

post-millennial gems ears people born

between 1997 and 2016 their beautiful

culture and generation and not just

because my son is part of this

generation this generation is been

characterized by multiple researchers as

being kind they're the first generation

that is totally accepting of gender

equality race color religion their

politically neutral there is the closest

we have come as a society that actually

embraces and celebrates individual

uniqueness and differences how

incredible thought is that knowing that

future generations will grow up in a

world where they're more likely to be

accepted than rejected by their

and brothers and sisters and this

generation generation Z they're forming

their view on love and relationships

right this minute the frightening fact

is that current social trends are

potentially creating the first

generation in history that has

absolutely no idea how to court a

potential mate let alone find the

language to do so intimately journalist

Sabrina while asserts that this hookup

culture is creating such a casual

attitude around sex that teens today are

actually facing an intimacy crisis that

will undoubtedly follow them into

adulthood further studies even show that

there are psychological issues

associated with multiple hookups a

recent study done by journalists or by a

psychologist Seth Schwartz in Psychology

Today shows the direct correlation

between multiple hookups and

psychological effects such as increased

levels of depression anxiety and release

levels of self-esteem happiness and

self-worth on another note according to

CNN the impact of social media and

technology on youth today is

immeasurable by the time American

children reached the age of five more

than 50 percent regularly interact with

a tablet or device and by middle school

teens are spending more time with social

media than with parents or with teachers

upwards of six hours a day but

technology is not going to slow down nor

should it

young people today have unlimited

knowledge of their fingertips and that's

a great thing I wish I had that growing

up I would have gladly traded in my

County library's card catalogue of the

Dewey Decimal System for a piece of that

action right but what they don't have is

a clear picture of what authentic

intimacy should look like let alone the

tools the skills are the language to

navigate and discuss complex and often

sexually stigmatized issues we need to

implement a lot more education we need

to teach them about emotional literacy

communication boundaries and we also

need to implement a media approach and

media literacy approach to pornography

which sadly serves as a number one

contributor to our children's sexual

education today I imagine being a young

person today is extremely exciting but

also very scary and confusing decades of

slow cultural change from gay rights to

gender equality and a booming

internetting it seemingly peaking right

in front of you you've got things like

the me2 movement non-binary gender

awareness political debates over

bathrooms easy access pornography

alright they're just as you're starting

to get your first crush and pass math

class but you're expected to understand

everything that's going on and navigate

successfully that's quite a heavy burden

to place on such small shoulders without

a guide when I was packing for my trip

two days ago

my brilliant boy who's four going on 18

said to me mama where are you going I

said well buddy

his name is Kingston

mommy's going to Canada to do a

presentation he says oh you're going to

work I said okay sure mommy is going to

work

I said Kingston do you know why adults

go to work he looks at me hands on hips

and says Zell mom they go to work so

they could learn stuff to teach children

from the mouths of babes right I was

driving the other day listening to the

greatest love of all by the late great

Whitney Houston and I the line I believe

children of the future teach them well

and let them lead the way

it hit me like a ton of bricks because

isn't that what it's all about what kind

of legacy are we gonna leave do we live

passionately do we love fully did we

lead by example

did we make an impact so here's my

challenge to you today we need to defy

the current social climate of hookups

and emotional invisibility and forge new

models models which demonstrate what

pure authentic intimacy looks like if we

don't we must be willing to root to

understand that we are facing the

ever-present reality of becoming an

emotionally bankrupt society where

future generations they're never going

to experience romance courtship or the

pure joy and belonging only found in

deep connection with others we need to

exercise our emotional muscles and show

up in our relationships both online and

off we need to be an empathetic and make

others feel understood we need to listen

actively ask questions take

responsibility for our behaviors and

most importantly be compassionate and

treat others with compassion

people today are starving for intimacy I

see it I see it every day but at some

point we have to realize that we can't

blame society because you and I we are

society so we have to take action if we

want to change the current model a model

which isn't working for anybody we have

to take action and the words of Rabbi

Hillel over two millennia ago if not you

who and if not now when

when it comes to our legacy we could not

afford to wait for one will you rise to

the challenge

you

[Applause]