The Simple Trick to Stop Caring What People Think

Mark Manson

20 May 202108:24

Summary

TLDRIn this video, Mark Manson humorously explores the common desire to stop caring about what others think, explaining that it's a natural human trait rooted in our need for social connection. He delves into the reasons behind our need for validation, tracing it back to evolutionary survival. Manson argues that instead of trying to eliminate this need, we should focus on finding better people to seek validation from. Ultimately, the key is having something more important to care about, which will naturally diminish the power of others' opinions over us.

Takeaways

😀 Everyone has a fantasy of not caring what others think, but it's a common struggle.
🧐 We care what others think because we're not psychopaths; it's part of being a good human.
🤝 Social validation is natural and has both positive and negative effects, leading to connections like friendship and empathy.
🐒 Human intelligence evolved due to our highly social nature; social rejection is perceived as dangerous because of our evolutionary past.
👥 Humans evolved in tight-knit tribes where social rejection could mean death, which explains why rejection feels so painful.
🌍 Modern life offers the ability to change your social circle and find new groups to seek validation from.
🔄 The problem isn't caring about validation, but seeking validation from the wrong people—surround yourself with people who respect you.
🔥 You will stop caring what people think when you have something more important to focus on, like a meaningful cause or goal.
🎯 The more you care about something worth being ridiculed for, the less you'll worry about others' opinions.
📝 Ironically, once you stop caring what people think and focus on important goals, people start respecting you more.

Q & A

What is the common fantasy that Mark Manson discusses in the video?
-Mark Manson talks about a common fantasy where people wish they could stop caring about what others think of them, developing perfect confidence that is unaffected by external opinions.
Why does Mark Manson argue that caring about what others think is not entirely negative?
-Mark explains that caring about what others think is a fundamental part of being human and helps build positive traits like empathy, compassion, and friendships. It also plays a role in human survival, as social connections are essential.
How does Mark Manson link human evolution to the need for social validation?
-He explains that humans evolved in small, close-knit tribes where social rejection could be life-threatening. This has ingrained a need for social validation in our nervous system, equating rejection with a survival threat.
What is Mark's perspective on 'not giving a shit' about others' opinions?
-Mark clarifies that it’s not about completely ignoring others' opinions, which would make someone a psychopath. Instead, the goal is to manage whose opinions you care about and focus on those who matter and add value to your life.
What does Mark suggest people do if they find themselves caring too much about what others think?
-Mark suggests that people should change the social groups they seek validation from. Instead of trying to impress selfish or petty individuals, they should surround themselves with people they respect and admire.
What does Mark mean by 'changing your tribe' in modern life?
-He means that in today’s world, people are no longer bound to a single group. If one group rejects or doesn’t respect you, it’s possible to find another group or community that is a better fit.
How does Mark answer the question, 'How do I stop caring what other people think?'
-He explains that people will stop caring when they find something more important to focus on. When a person is driven by a meaningful purpose or goal, external opinions lose their significance.
What is the 'harsh truth' that Mark shares in the video?
-The harsh truth is that if you care too much about what others think, it’s likely because you don’t have something more important in your life to focus on or care about.
What example does Mark use to explain why external validation doesn’t always matter?
-He uses the example of saving a baby from a burning building. In this situation, a person wouldn’t care what others think about their decision to save the child because the task is far more important than the opinions of bystanders.
What is Mark's final piece of advice for people who care too much about others' opinions?
-Mark advises people to find something they are willing to be ridiculed for or something so important that it overshadows the need for social approval. This, he says, is when people will start respecting you.

Outlines

00:00

💭 Embracing the Fantasy of Not Caring

Mark Manson introduces the concept of a common fantasy: the desire to not care about what others think. He humorously dismisses misconceptions about this fantasy, explaining that it's universal and rooted in our wish for unshakeable confidence. Despite this aspiration, reality often pulls us back, and we continue to struggle with insecurities. He addresses the popular question of why we care so much about others’ opinions and promises to provide a short, long, and surprising answer to this question.

05:00

😅 The Reality Check on Why We Care

Manson reveals the short answer: we care what others think because we’re not psychopaths. Empathy and social concern are what make us human. He stresses that caring about others’ opinions, while sometimes stressful, also brings the joy of relationships and compassion. Rather than eliminating this concern, the goal should be managing it better, as it’s part of our natural human condition, stemming from millions of years of evolutionary survival in tightly knit social tribes.

👥 Evolutionary Roots of Social Anxiety

Manson dives into the evolutionary explanation, describing how human intelligence and sociability evolved as survival mechanisms. In early human tribes, rejection from the group meant death, so we evolved to equate social rejection with extreme threat. This deep-rooted fear explains why social rejection feels as painful as physical trauma today, even for minor incidents like rejection at a school dance. Ultimately, social concern is hardwired into us for survival.

🌍 Modern Life and Choosing Your Tribe

Manson shifts to the advantages of modern life, emphasizing that today we can choose our social groups or 'tribes.' Instead of trying to stop caring about validation, we should focus on whose opinions we care about. People who struggle with social validation often surround themselves with toxic individuals. Manson suggests finding people who are worthy of admiration and respect. The key isn’t to stop caring but to care about the right people’s opinions.

🔥 The Harsh Truth: Care About What Matters

In his 'harsh truth' segment, Manson argues that caring too much about what others think usually indicates a lack of something more meaningful to focus on. He uses the example of rescuing a baby from a burning building to show that when something truly important is at stake, social judgment fades into the background. The lesson: when we deeply care about something significant, we stop caring about superficial judgments. Ironically, this is when others begin to respect us the most.

✌️ Final Thoughts and a Call to Action

Manson concludes with a call to action, encouraging viewers to reflect on what is so important in their lives that they are willing to face ridicule for it. He suggests that if one cannot answer this easily, it might be the root of their problems. He wraps up by urging viewers to like, subscribe, and engage in the comments, emphasizing his usual weekly content.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Fantasy

In the context of the video, 'fantasy' refers to an idealized mental scenario people often imagine, such as not caring about what others think. The speaker, Mark Manson, explains that we all share a common fantasy of being impervious to external judgment and achieving a perfect state of confidence. However, this fantasy is contrasted with the reality of human insecurities.

💡Social Validation

Social validation is the act of seeking approval or acceptance from others. Manson highlights that humans naturally crave validation from others, as it is deeply ingrained in our evolutionary need to belong to a tribe or group. In modern society, he argues that many people seek validation from the wrong sources, leading to stress and anxiety.

💡Tribe

The concept of 'tribe' in this video is used metaphorically to describe the social groups or communities individuals belong to. Historically, humans survived in small, tight-knit tribes, and social rejection from these groups meant danger or even death. Manson uses this analogy to explain why people care so much about the opinions of others and how modern society allows us to choose our 'tribe' or community.

💡Rejection

Rejection refers to the act of being dismissed or ostracized by others, which Manson explains is deeply painful for humans due to our evolutionary history. In ancient tribes, social rejection posed a real threat to survival. This feeling has persisted into modern times, which is why being rejected by others, whether in personal relationships or socially, feels so intense.

💡Confidence

'Confidence' in this video refers to the state of being self-assured and unaffected by the opinions of others. Manson discusses how people often fantasize about achieving unshakable confidence but are quickly brought back to reality when they face their own insecurities. True confidence, he argues, comes from having something more important than external validation.

💡Insecurity

Insecurity is the feeling of self-doubt or lack of confidence that arises when people worry about how they are perceived by others. Manson emphasizes that insecurity is a natural part of being human and that everyone experiences it, but the goal should be to manage it by focusing on more meaningful aspects of life rather than seeking constant approval.

💡Social Rejection

'Social rejection' is the experience of being excluded or disapproved of by others. Manson explains that human brains equate social rejection with a threat to survival because of our evolutionary history. This is why even small rejections, like being turned down for a dance, can feel as painful as more severe physical or emotional traumas.

💡Evolutionary Superpower

Manson describes 'evolutionary superpower' as the unique ability that humans have to be highly intelligent and social creatures. He explains that while humans may not be physically superior to other animals, our ability to form complex social bonds and communicate is what has enabled us to thrive and survive. This social nature explains why we care so much about the opinions of others.

💡Harsh Truth

The 'harsh truth' refers to the uncomfortable reality that if someone cares too much about what others think, it's likely because they don’t have something more important to focus on. Manson explains that when people lack purpose or something meaningful in their lives, they become overly concerned with the opinions of others. He encourages viewers to find something worth being ridiculed for, as this can shift their focus away from social validation.

💡Something Worth Caring About

This phrase refers to the idea that individuals need to have a meaningful goal or cause in their life that is more important than seeking approval from others. Manson uses the example of saving a baby from a burning building to illustrate that when someone has a critical task or belief, they will naturally stop caring about what others think, because their focus will be on something much bigger.

Highlights

Mark Manson introduces the common fantasy of not caring what others think.

Explains why people wish to be impervious to others’ opinions and to have perfect confidence.

Describes how caring about others’ opinions is a natural human trait, distinguishing us from psychopaths.

Discusses the benefits of caring about others’ opinions, like empathy, friendship, and compassion.

Emphasizes that the real question isn't how to stop caring, but how to manage caring effectively.

Details the evolutionary background of humans’ sociability and why social rejection feels like a threat.

Illustrates how our ancestors needed social acceptance for survival, creating a strong need for validation.

Highlights the modern benefit of being able to choose or change our 'tribe' for social validation.

Encourages people to seek validation from better individuals rather than petty or selfish ones.

Mentions the idea that caring too much about others’ opinions may stem from a lack of personal purpose.

Uses a thought experiment about saving a baby in a burning building to show the power of focusing on meaningful goals.

Explains that having something worth being embarrassed over can diminish the need for social validation.

States that when people focus on meaningful pursuits, they tend to earn more respect from others.

Challenges viewers to identify what they care about deeply enough to be willing to face ridicule for.

Ends with a call to action, asking viewers to comment on what matters to them enough to be worth potential embarrassment.