"Don't Care What Others Think" is Terrible Advice, Do This Instead

Summary

In this video, the speaker challenges the common self-help advice of 'stop caring what others think,' arguing that this is both impossible and counterproductive. Drawing from personal experience and philosophical insights, especially René Girard's concept of mimetic desire, the speaker emphasizes that our desire for recognition is natural and essential. Rather than rejecting it, the key is to channel this desire towards healthy recognition—seeking approval from those who share our values. By focusing on what truly matters to us and aligning with people whose opinions we genuinely respect, we can achieve fulfillment and authenticity.

Takeaways

• 😀 It's impossible and counterproductive to completely stop caring about what others think. Instead, we should focus on how to properly direct this desire for recognition.
• 😀 The advice to stop caring about others' opinions is often based on mimetic desire, where we imitate others' desires and let them dictate our actions.
• 😀 Social recognition is a fundamental human need, and trying to completely ignore it often leads to new forms of social validation within alternative communities.
• 😀 A common pitfall when rejecting social expectations is that people often seek validation for their nonconformity, which defeats the purpose of not caring about opinions.
• 😀 Humans are social creatures, and our desire for recognition is as necessary as basic needs like food and sleep.
• 😀 The key is not to abandon the desire for recognition, but to channel it in a healthy, productive direction.
• 😀 Identifying what you truly want to do, independent of social pressure, is crucial to living a fulfilling life.
• 😀 Finding something you love to do makes failure less painful, as the experience is rewarding in itself, even without external success.
• 😀 The pursuit of recognition should come from healthy sources—people who share and affirm your values, not from everyone in general.
• 😀 To live authentically, seek recognition from those whose values align with your own. This ensures you're pursuing something meaningful and not chasing external validation for validation's sake.

Q & A

What is the main point of the speaker's critique of the advice to stop caring about what other people think?

The speaker argues that the advice to stop caring about what others think is both impossible and counterproductive because human beings are inherently social creatures with a natural desire for recognition. Instead of ignoring others' opinions, the speaker suggests that we should learn to direct our desire for recognition in healthy ways.

How did the speaker's experience with dropping out of college and starting a tech startup influence their perspective on social expectations?

The speaker explains that they initially dropped out of college to build a tech startup because of social expectations, not personal desire. This led to a painful failure and a realization that the desire to conform to external expectations was a major factor in their unhappiness, ultimately pushing them toward philosophy.

What is 'mimetic desire' according to René Girard, and how did it impact the speaker?

Mimetic desire, as described by René Girard, refers to the idea that many of our desires are shaped by imitating others. The speaker struggled with mimetic desire, realizing that they pursued a startup not out of true passion but because it was socially expected, which led to their failure and dissatisfaction.

What did the speaker's social experiments, like facing inward in an elevator, aim to demonstrate?

These social experiments, such as facing inward in an elevator or lying down on a busy street, were intended to expose the discomfort that arises from caring about others' opinions. The aim was to show that people often overestimate the importance of others' judgments, but these exercises also revealed the complexity of human social nature.

What philosophical insight does Plato offer that the speaker finds relevant to this discussion?

Plato distinguishes between the three parts of the soul: the rational, the spirited, and the appetitive. The speaker emphasizes that the ideal is for the spirited part (the desire for recognition) to be guided by reason, so that it seeks recognition for virtuous pursuits, rather than falling into unhealthy desires for status or wealth.

What does the speaker suggest is the healthiest way to pursue recognition?

The speaker suggests that the healthiest way to pursue recognition is by seeking the approval of people who share and respect the same values as you. This ensures that the pursuit of recognition aligns with your personal goals and beliefs, rather than external, superficial validation.

How does the speaker describe the difference between their past work in tech and their current work in philosophy?

The speaker contrasts their past work in tech, which they found unfulfilling and driven by social expectation, with their current work in philosophy, which they are passionate about. Even if they fail in philosophy, they feel they have succeeded because they are dedicating their life to something they truly enjoy.

What is the danger of communities that claim to reject social expectations, according to the speaker?

The speaker warns that communities rejecting social expectations often create their own hierarchies and status symbols. For example, in alternative communities like those around certain philosophies or countercultures, members still end up seeking validation and recognition, just within a different set of values.

Why does the speaker believe it's important to understand what you actually want to do, absent from others' opinions?

The speaker believes that finding what you truly want to do, independent of social pressures, is crucial for personal fulfillment. Knowing what you love allows you to pursue it with passion and purpose, avoiding the regret of dedicating yourself to a pursuit that you don't truly care about.

What does the speaker mean by a 'hydraulic view of human nature'?

The 'hydraulic view of human nature' is a metaphor for how human desires work: if one outlet is blocked, the pressure will find another way to express itself. In this context, if the desire for recognition is suppressed in one area, it will manifest in other, potentially unhealthy ways. The speaker suggests that we should direct this desire in productive, meaningful ways.