What can BDSM teach us about affirmative consent? | Candace Liger | TEDxGreensboro

Summary

This powerful speech delves into the concept of consent, moving beyond its sexual context to explore bodily autonomy, boundaries, and the importance of ongoing communication. The speaker uses personal stories, such as athletic 'butt slaps' and lessons from the BDSM community, to highlight the depth of consent. They emphasize the significance of clear negotiation, aftercare, and harm reduction while addressing societal issues like rape culture. The talk encourages us to be more 'consent conscious,' create safer spaces, and engage with empathy and understanding in all interactions.

Takeaways

• 😊 Consent is powerful, liberating, and not limited to sexual contexts. It applies broadly to various interactions.
• 💪 Consent is an ongoing conversation, not just a simple yes or no. It involves constant check-ins and respect for boundaries.
• 🌿 Consent is about bodily autonomy, and understanding when it's safe to say yes or no, with no assumptions made beforehand.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Full-body awareness and paying attention to physical signals are important for understanding how we feel in various situations.
• 📏 Negotiation is key in establishing clear consent, especially in the kink and BDSM communities, where play involves power dynamics and trust.
• 🧠 Consent frameworks, like Planned Parenthood's FRIES (Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific) and trauma-informed kink practices, help create safer interactions.
• 💔 Trauma affects how people experience pleasure and safety, and being trauma-informed in consent dynamics helps reduce the risk of re-traumatization.
• 🛏️ Aftercare is essential post-consent, helping participants return to emotional and physical balance. It's not just for physical activities but for processing the whole experience.
• 🥇 During the pandemic, consent expanded beyond physical touch to include boundaries like social distancing, showing how flexible consent can be.
• 🍃 Empathy is vital in consent interactions. Understanding how others feel and ensuring communication is clear makes consent respectful and considerate.

Q & A

What is the speaker's main goal in delivering this speech?

The speaker aims to raise awareness about consent, particularly outside of the context of sex and assault, by emphasizing the importance of bodily autonomy, communication, and empathy. They also want to educate about BDSM and kink as consensual practices that center on negotiation and respect.

How does the speaker define consent?

The speaker defines consent as giving ourselves, and possibly others, permission to experience something together. It goes beyond sexual encounters and includes communication about physical, emotional, and psychological boundaries in various contexts.

What role does the speaker play in consent education?

The speaker is a consent educator, fitness trainer, performance artist, and body enthusiast. They teach others how to recognize, negotiate, and establish consent in different environments, including dance fitness classes and BDSM/kink dynamics.

What is the significance of aftercare in the BDSM/kink community, according to the speaker?

Aftercare is essential for helping individuals return to emotional and physical balance after a scene. It involves comforting practices like rest, snacks, or conversation, and is emphasized with the same importance as consent. Proper aftercare helps prevent psychological distress and maintains well-being.

How does the speaker connect their experiences in fitness training to the broader concept of consent?

The speaker draws parallels between inviting participants in their dance fitness classes to move freely and the idea of consenting to movement. They emphasize the importance of bodily autonomy and creating a space where participants feel empowered to say 'yes' or 'no' to physical actions.

What key lesson about consent does the speaker take from their BDSM and kink education?

One of the key lessons is that consent in BDSM/kink dynamics involves negotiation, clear communication, and establishing boundaries. Consent is an ongoing process rather than a single agreement, and it is centered on creating safe, consensual, and sometimes playful interactions.

What does the speaker say about the concept of 'no' in relation to consent and rape culture?

The speaker explains that 'no' has been overused to the point of exhaustion due to rape culture, which often disregards personal boundaries. They argue that 'no' alone isn't enough to establish a culture of consent and that affirmative, enthusiastic consent ('yes') should be centered instead.

How does the speaker address the issue of consent during the pandemic?

The speaker notes that the pandemic has made boundaries more visible in everyday interactions, such as maintaining distance, wearing masks, and requesting consent before getting closer to others. This experience has further highlighted the importance of consent in various social contexts.

Why does the speaker emphasize sober play in BDSM and kink?

The speaker encourages sober play because it allows participants to fully remember and engage with the experience. Playing without alcohol ensures that everyone involved is fully aware of their actions and choices, promoting safety, respect, and genuine connection.

What is the significance of the 'Yes Means Yes' law mentioned by the speaker?

The 'Yes Means Yes' law, passed in California in 2015, requires affirmative, enthusiastic consent rather than assuming consent unless a 'no' is given. The law promotes a culture of checking in, pausing, and ensuring that all parties are willing participants in any interaction.