Who do Narcissists WANT to be with?

Summary

In this episode of 'Mornings with Lee Hammock,' the self-aware narcissist discusses who narcissists are attracted to and what drives their relationships. Lee debunks the myth that narcissists always pursue weak individuals, emphasizing that while looks may matter, a person's energy and personality are key factors. He explains that strong boundaries and self-awareness can prevent toxic relationships, while vulnerability and people-pleasing tendencies may invite abuse. Lee encourages personal growth and setting boundaries to repel narcissists, offering advice for both victims and narcissists looking to change. His goal is to help viewers win in their healing journey.

Takeaways

• 🎤 The video discusses the types of people narcissists are attracted to and challenges common misconceptions about their preferences.
• 💭 The speaker, a diagnosed narcissist, shares personal insights, emphasizing that attraction isn't solely based on weakness or manipulability.
• 🤔 The speaker contemplates the unconscious factors that may influence who a narcissist is attracted to, such as vulnerability.
• 👤 Looks do matter to narcissists, but they are not the only factor; personality traits like humor are also highly valued.
• 😂 The importance of shared laughter and a sense of humor is highlighted as a cornerstone in the speaker's relationship.
• 🔄 The speaker suggests that the dynamic of a relationship with a narcissist is significantly influenced by the second-level traits of the person involved.
• 🚫 Strong boundaries and the ability to say 'no' are key in preventing toxic relationships with narcissists.
• 🛡 The speaker metaphorically compares self-improvement and boundary setting to bug repellent, which can deter narcissists.
• 🌟 Personal growth and self-awareness are positioned as the best defenses against forming unhealthy relationships with narcissists.
• 📢 The video serves as a call to action for both those involved with narcissists and narcissists themselves to recognize and change harmful behaviors.

Q & A

What does the speaker say about the typical perception that narcissists are attracted to weak people?

The speaker challenges the perception that narcissists consciously seek out weak or easily manipulated people. While some may assume that narcissists want weak individuals to control, the speaker argues that they do not intentionally pursue such people on a conscious level, although it may happen unconsciously.

How does the speaker describe their personal attraction as a diagnosed narcissist?

The speaker explains that they are attracted to personality traits such as humor and compatibility. They mention that their wife, for example, shares a similar sense of humor, which is important in their relationship. Looks matter, but personality and energy play a more significant role in long-term attraction.

How do strong boundaries influence a narcissist's relationship with someone?

The speaker states that if someone has strong boundaries and is not easily manipulated, the relationship with a narcissist is unlikely to last long. However, if the person struggles with boundaries or is a people pleaser, the relationship could become toxic and narcissistically abusive.

What advice does the speaker give for avoiding a toxic relationship with a narcissist?

The speaker advises individuals to focus on self-improvement, establishing strong boundaries, and controlling how they react to a narcissist. They emphasize the importance of working on oneself and not trying to change the narcissist, as this helps protect against entering or staying in a toxic relationship.

What metaphor does the speaker use to explain how strong boundaries work against narcissists?

The speaker compares strong boundaries to spraying 'off spray' to repel ticks or mosquitoes. Even though the bugs may bite, they do not stay latched on, similar to how narcissists might attempt to engage with someone, but strong boundaries prevent them from sticking around.

What type of person might be more susceptible to a narcissistically abusive relationship?

According to the speaker, individuals who are empathetic, have difficulty saying no, struggle with self-love, or frequently give people the benefit of the doubt may be more susceptible to entering a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

How does the speaker view their role in helping others through their content?

The speaker explains that they create content to help people recognize narcissistic behaviors and protect themselves. They want people to 'win' in their relationships by setting strong boundaries and avoiding toxic dynamics. The speaker also acknowledges getting narcissistic supply from seeing others succeed.

Does the speaker believe that narcissists always target people in vulnerable positions?

The speaker acknowledges that some narcissists may act predatory and target people in vulnerable states, such as after a breakup or a loss. However, they emphasize that even in these situations, strong boundaries can prevent the relationship from becoming toxic.

What role does empathy play in a narcissist's attraction to someone?

The speaker suggests that narcissists might be drawn to highly empathetic people because they tend to offer support and care, which narcissists can exploit. However, if these empathetic individuals also have strong boundaries, the relationship is less likely to turn toxic.

What does the speaker suggest people do if they feel they are a 'narcissist magnet'?

The speaker recommends that people who feel they are frequently attracting narcissists should focus on strengthening their boundaries. By becoming more assertive and less susceptible to manipulation, they can deter narcissists from latching onto them for long periods.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Who Attracts Narcissists?

The speaker begins by addressing the audience and introducing the topic of attraction for narcissists. They clarify that contrary to popular belief, narcissists are not necessarily attracted to weak-minded individuals. The speaker shares personal insights as a diagnosed narcissist, explaining that they have not consciously sought out vulnerable or easily manipulable people. They acknowledge the possibility of unconscious attraction to vulnerability but emphasize that it's not a conscious pursuit. The speaker also discusses the role of physical appearance in attraction for narcissists, suggesting that while looks can matter, they are not the primary factor. They argue that an individual's energy and personality traits, such as a sense of humor, are more significant in determining attraction.

05:00

🛡 Building Boundaries Against Narcissistic Abuse

In this paragraph, the speaker delves into the idea that the nature of the person, particularly their boundaries and self-awareness, can determine the trajectory of a relationship with a narcissist. They highlight that while narcissists may be attracted to individuals in vulnerable states, it's the individual's inner strength and ability to set boundaries that ultimately shapes the relationship. The speaker advocates for self-improvement and boundary setting as a means to prevent toxic relationships. They also discuss the predatory nature of some narcissists who target vulnerable individuals, but stress that having strong personal boundaries can act as a deterrent, similar to a repellent that may not prevent all encounters but can limit their negative impact.

10:02

📢 The Importance of Self-Growth and Setting Boundaries

The final paragraph reinforces the message of self-improvement and boundary setting. The speaker emphasizes the importance of working on oneself to become the best version possible, which they refer to as the best 'narcissist repellent.' They discuss the concept of 'supply' in narcissistic relationships and how understanding and controlling what one provides to a narcissist can help in managing such relationships. The speaker also encourages viewers to subscribe to the channel for more content and mentions the availability of courses and support groups to aid in healing and understanding experiences with narcissistic relationships.

Keywords

💡Narcissist

A narcissist is someone who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. In the video, the speaker identifies as a diagnosed narcissist and explains how narcissists are often attracted to specific personality types or energies. Narcissism, in this context, is linked to behaviors like seeking control, validation, and emotional manipulation.

💡Supply

Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, admiration, and validation that a narcissist derives from others. In the video, the speaker mentions how narcissists seek 'supply' from their partners, such as emotional validation or admiration. It’s a central concept in understanding the narcissist's behavior and motivation.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the personal limits people set to protect themselves from harm or discomfort. The speaker emphasizes the importance of setting strong boundaries when dealing with a narcissist. If a person has weak boundaries, they are more likely to become involved in a toxic or manipulative relationship.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The video explains how highly empathetic individuals are often targets for narcissists, as they are more likely to give the narcissist emotional support and attention, making them vulnerable to manipulation.

💡Manipulation

Manipulation refers to controlling or influencing someone in a deceptive or unfair manner. Narcissists often engage in manipulation to maintain control over their relationships. The speaker discusses how narcissists may unconsciously or consciously seek out partners they can manipulate more easily.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability refers to the state of being open to emotional harm. The speaker describes how narcissists are often attracted to individuals in vulnerable positions, such as those who have just experienced loss or emotional upheaval, as they can more easily exploit their emotional state.

💡People pleaser

A people pleaser is someone who has a strong desire to make others happy, often at the expense of their own well-being. The video suggests that people pleasers are particularly attractive to narcissists because they are less likely to set boundaries and more likely to prioritize the narcissist's needs.

💡Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment is a type of attachment style characterized by a fear of abandonment and an excessive need for closeness. The speaker mentions that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to end up in toxic relationships with narcissists because of their fear of rejection and tendency to cling to partners.

💡Predatory behavior

Predatory behavior refers to actions intended to exploit or take advantage of others, especially those in vulnerable states. The speaker explains how some narcissists engage in predatory behavior, targeting individuals who are emotionally weak or in difficult life situations to exploit their vulnerabilities for personal gain.

💡Self-love

Self-love is the practice of taking care of one's own well-being and happiness. The speaker stresses the importance of self-love as a way to protect oneself from narcissistic manipulation. Strong self-love and self-awareness act as a barrier, helping individuals maintain boundaries and avoid toxic relationships.

Highlights

Narcissists don't consciously pursue people they consider weak or easy to manipulate.

Attraction is often unconscious, driven by seeing someone in a vulnerable state.

Looks do matter to narcissists, but personality traits like humor and compatibility are important too.

Strong boundaries and the ability to say no can deter narcissistic relationships from lasting.

People who struggle with boundaries, have people-pleasing tendencies, or anxious attachment styles are more likely to end up in toxic relationships.

Narcissists may target people in vulnerable situations, such as after a breakup, loss, or emotional turmoil.

Self-work, strong boundaries, and understanding personal value can protect against narcissistic abuse.

Being emotionally vulnerable doesn’t always mean a person will fall into a toxic relationship, especially if they have strong boundaries.

Narcissists often seek people who can fulfill a specific need or provide supply in their life.

Healing and focusing on personal growth is the best way to prevent being targeted or hurt by narcissists.

The more self-aware and boundary-driven a person is, the less likely they are to be stuck in a narcissistically abusive relationship.

Narcissists can detect and take advantage of people in vulnerable or low self-esteem moments.

If a person finds themselves constantly attracting narcissists, they need to work on self-love and setting boundaries.

Narcissists can leave quickly if they recognize that a person has strong boundaries and isn’t easily manipulated.

Empowerment through knowledge and self-awareness helps individuals break free from toxic narcissistic relationships.

Transcripts

[Music]

what is going on beautiful folks welcome

to another episode of mornings with Lee

hammock your favorite self-aware

narcissist today we're GNA be talking

about who are narcissists attracted to

who who do we want who who do who do we

want who do we who do we want to take

home to Mama or

Dy who a narcissist attracted to Y this

one of the main questions I do get

everywhere um and my mind is all over

the place with it like seriously um

before we hop deep into today's episode

y'all if you have any question want to

do 101's coaching support group my

newsletter events and everything you can

find everything at mentalillness

nnet okay mentalillness Donnet it's on

the bottom of the screen right now I'll

leave it up just so y'all can copy and

copy it if you need to and whatnot um

but yes who are narcissists attracted to

who do we want y'all I I know what

people are going to say people like well

narcissists want a weak person they want

somebody they can run over top of uh

they want somebody that can they want a

yes person they want this they want that

but I really feel like as a diagnosed

narcissist I've never let's say it like

this I've never consciously pursued

someone because I thought they were

weak-minded or something like that you

or I thought they were easy to

manipulate I can get to all types of

Supply from them you know I I don't

think I've ever done that on a conscious

level now could I have done that on an

unconscious level seeing this person was

vulnerable and what not in a vulnerable

state and things like that uh yeah

probably you see what I'm saying but you

really never know what you do it

unconsciously until you until it comes

to a conscious level you know what I

mean it's the type of stuff that happens

but I feel like who I'm attracted to of

course like I know people going to say

looks matter to a narcissist so much is

it can it be true for a lot of

narcissist yes absolutely looks can

matter but they don't necessarily matter

you know looks can matter but they don't

necessarily matter and this is not me

trying to be disparaging towards anyone

because I know when I say this type of

stuff people automatically hop in the

comment section like oh yeah I know

looks don't matter because my partner

left me for a well my partner did my

partner did this my partner did that I

was just like look I'm not disparaging

anyone right I'm not doing anything I'm

not saying anything wrong like this is

the mindset of a narcissist like just

because you're a narcissistic person

might have cheated on you or left you

for someone that's you feel like is less

conventionally

attractive I I I get it how you want to

attack people but like said I I also in

my growth journey I try my hardest not

to do that anymore because you can't

control your you can't you can't really

control how you were born your face your

looks whatever you know mean especially

if you didn't know that your this person

was married or had a was in a

relationship uh you see what I'm saying

that that attack doesn't seem that

warranted unless they become you know a

flying monkey

or contribute to the abuse then I say

take the gloves off um that's how I feel

but looks don't always matter y I feel

like there's an energy that you that

people give off that might attract

narcissist I know people see me close my

eyes like this like well why you closing

your eyes I'm trying to get deep into my

mind right when I do this it's kind of

like I'm live meditating and going

through my mind like going like kind of

going through the cupboards of my mind

trying to find like what was I attracted

to I'm opening the cabinets of my mind

like where is it like like you know it's

like you looking for a snack in a

refrigerator at 3 o'clock in the morning

you know it's you know something is in

there but you don't know I'm just like

I'm looking for that that attraction

snack I'm looking for you

know um looking in the cupboards of my

mind but I just always felt like there's

always an an energy people give off to

me to make me attracted to him yeah

looks looks do matter a lot but it

really is it really is you know me once

I feel like you fit me personality wise

like you funny you have this stuff going

for you you have you have you I look for

sense of humor we got to be at a lab

like that's why my wife is a um she's a

funny woman I I love she she gets my

sense of humor she reciprocates it we we

we laugh a lot and I feel like that's

what the one of the strongholds of our

relationship is that we find very

similar things funny you know and she's

always laughing at my jokes I'm funny um

but once you get past that level I feel

like who you are who you are determines

the way the relationship goes I feel

like most narcissistic people right are

looking for the same things B on a base

level they are looking for the same

things that everybody else is looking

for but who you are the you as the

person that ends up with the narcissist

right who you are typically determines

the way the relationship goes right is

if I meet you you meet me you have

everything I'm looking for in a person

but then but then but on the second

level the second

layer you have strong boundaries you

don't you don't put up with no BS you

don't you're not easy to manipulate then

our relationship probably won't last

that long but if you you have a problem

saying no if you have a problem with

boundaries if you have a pro like if

you're a people pleaser or you might be

anxious and have an anxious attachment

style did you see what I'm saying then

our relationship might end up being a

toxic narcissistically abusive

relationship so it's kind of like who

you are on the second level determines

where things go who you are that's why I

always that's why you hear me in my

support groups when I do my zoom

meetings when I'm doing my oneone

coaching when I'm in my even in my

videos I'm always talking about working

on you how do we spot a narcissist how

we get them to change you have to work

on you control the controllables you

can't you you can't change this person

so you only thing you can change is you

how you how you perceive them how you

react to them how you treat them that's

what you can control how you set your

boundaries that's what you can control

like because narcissist yeah is there

are there some predatory narcissists out

there right that are attracted to people

who are going through who are attracted

to people in vulnerable times yes you

see what I'm saying you see what I'm

saying I say like in these spaces in

these situations there are a lot of

narcissists that are just attracted to

people who or in vulnerable positions

like you just got out of a relationship

you're going through something you might

be um a highly empathetic person you

might be there for them like they they

like y'all might just be friends and you

might be there for them and y'all end up

sleeping together or y'all end up

getting taking things to the next level

what not y'all end up dating you might

just be there for them and then again if

even in those situations right there who

you are still determines the way the

relationship goes next because even if

you're in a vulnerable situation and

this person is being predatory towards

you right they're praying on you because

um they see you in a vulnerable state

you just lost a parent you just lost

your pet you just broke up you just got

out of a relationship whatever the

situation is you just got divorced they

are being predatory towards you right

they like they're being predatory

towards you in this situation and

whatnot right so this type of Stu so

even if you so if you a vulnerable state

but you still have those strong

boundaries and things like that it might

not go that far but if you being

vulnerable and you are highly empathetic

you are struggling with selflove you

have problems saying no you uh give

people the benefit of the doubt too much

like then you might end up in a toxic

narcissistically abusive relationship

you know what I mean this is the space

that I tell people you working on you

becoming the best version of you is the

best um is the best uh narcissist

repellent right not necessarily

repellent but it it just like it's kind

of like

uh you having strong boundaries and

stuff like that it's kind of like you

know that that

um like you know if you have pets if you

have a pet or if if you are just a human

being right like you spraying like that

that off spray you know to keep ticks

and stuff like off of you like you spray

you have to off spray you spraying it on

you the stuff still might bite you right

the tick might bite you the mosquito

might bite you but it doesn't stay

latched on because that because you have

that shield on you right it's kind of

like having a like a flea collar like

they still might bite you but they die

or they get off of you very quickly

because you're not appealing to them

anymore you see what I'm saying just

like spraying off spray on you go out

there like the bug spray you spray bug

spray doesn't mean that the bugs are not

going to bite you it just means they're

not going to bite you and stick to you

like like a tick bite you when you have

like tick repelling on you they're

like you they might bite you but they

don't stay latched it's kind of similar

to that right there so regardless of

whether or not because I if you attract

a lot of narcissists you can keep them

away from you like they might get into

they might come into your life but they

get out of your life very quickly

because you have those strong boundaries

because you know what you have going on

because you know how to protect yourself

in these situations like these type of

stuff these things are absolutely

extremely important on this healing

process that's why I tell so many people

like you as you as you heal as you grow

as you are moving forward in your life

you can win y'all because so many people

I'm a narcissist magnet why because you

don't have that off you don't have that

uh that offs spray on you you have to

get that offs spray that narcissistic

repellent you have to get those strong

boundaries you have to be able to say no

when the red flags pop up and stuff like

that you have to be able to protect

yourself in things like that you have to

you know I mean this is the this is the

situation so many people fall into like

I be rooting for y'all and that's the

reason I do a lot of these videos I be

rooting for y'all and I also I do these

videos If a narcissist is watching this

video they see this stuff and they be

like damn well I got you know I I do

that stuff that Lee's talking about I

need to change my behaviors that's why I

do what I do that's why I talk the way

that I talk because i' be rooting for

y'all i' be wanting y'all to win so damn

much y'all it's crazy you know I mean in

these morning videos they my morning

videos are on point you know I I I talk

a lot in these morning videos but the

way the stuff I talk about is geared

towards helping people in just in the

situation they're not really topic

focused they have a title but they're

not extremely topic focused because the

goal is to just chat we chatting this

morning you know I mean we're super

chatty right now and being super chatty

I be rooting for y'all asses like well

Le is out here doing this and now I be

wanting y'all to win you can't name

somebody who wants you to win more than

Lee wants you to win you mean you can't

name one in this space in this field

right here of narcissistic toxic

relationships Lee had make be helping

more people and he's a diagnosed

narcissist he loves helping people Lee

you get supply from doing this yeah I I

I get some narcissistic Supply from

people winning I like to see y'all win

is that an issue with

y'all well Le I'm not giving you no

Supply I'm not going to win I'm going to

lose on purpose hey hey by all means

[Laughter]

um Le I'm I'mma Hurt You by about losing

y don't do that um but yeah narcissistic

people y'all who do we want whoever's in

front of us who do we pursue you see

what I'm saying they have you have to

bring a benefit into their life you have

to serve a purpose in their life you

can't just be platonic you mean what

purp like well how do I get rid of this

person find out what type of Supply did

they get from you cut it off that's the

simplest way that's the most efficient

way find out what this person is getting

from you what validation that they're

getting from you and turn off the SP it

SP it SP it is it spit or SP

It Anyways y'all make sure you tune in

make sure you subscribe to the channel

if you haven't already um um and as

always mental illness is

out peace thank you so much for making

it to the end of my video I extremely

grateful for you have no idea if you

haven't already make sure you go ahead

and subscribe to the channel helps reach

more people and click on the screen to

watch another video or to browse through

another playlist there's also a link on

the screen to check out my courses and

my support groups to help you heal and

understand what you've been through

thank you so much again I will see you

in the next video peace