‘I was afraid I’d be rejected if I told people of my abuse’ | Philippines | Invisible Asia
Summary
TLDRThe speaker recounts childhood sexual abuse by an older neighbor, the societal stigma that prevents boys from reporting such abuse, and the internalized pressure to be strong. He discusses the impact on his mental health, including panic attacks and depression, and his journey to understand his sexuality. The narrative concludes with a call to support others facing similar struggles and prevent suicide, offering comfort to his younger self.
Takeaways
- 😢 The individual experienced sexual abuse as a child by an older neighbor.
- 🏠 The abuse occurred when the neighbor's family members were not present.
- 🔨 The abuser used various objects to inflict physical harm.
- 👩👧 The victim's mother intervened to protect them, suffering injury in the process.
- 😞 The victim grew up harboring resentment towards their father due to the abuse.
- 🗣️ There is a societal stigma attached to male sexual abuse and rape, which often goes unreported.
- 💪 Boys are expected to be strong and self-protective, which can hinder them from seeking help.
- 🏫 The victim sought refuge in a seminary to escape their past and home life.
- 😔 Mental health issues, including panic attacks, anxiety, and depression, arose during the victim's time in the seminary.
- 🌈 The victim explored their sexuality and identified with the LGBTQ+ community.
- 👨🏫 As a teacher, the individual has lost students to suicide due to gender identity issues and family rejection.
- 🤗 The individual wishes to have been able to support and connect with those students to prevent their tragic ends.
- 👶 If given the chance, the individual would offer comfort and protection to their younger self.
Q & A
What was the age difference between the narrator and the older male neighbor?
-The older male neighbor was five or six years older than the narrator.
How many times did the older male neighbor invite the narrator into his house?
-The older male neighbor invited the narrator into his house three times.
What was the narrator's initial willingness to give himself entirely to the older male neighbor?
-The narrator felt willing to give himself entirely to the older male neighbor after the third time of being invited.
What was the older male neighbor's reaction when the narrator was ready to do whatever he wanted?
-The older male neighbor did not engage in any sexual activity but instead spat on the narrator and hit him with various objects.
How did the narrator's mother protect him during the last encounter with the older male neighbor?
-The narrator's mother covered and protected him, and when she tried to cover him, the stick broke on her, indicating the severity of the neighbor's actions.
Why is foreign sexual abuse and rape often unreported according to the narrator?
-Foreign sexual abuse and rape are often unreported due to the stigma society attaches to it, especially for boys who are expected to be strong and not show weakness.
What was the narrator's experience with his parents when he told them about his sexual abuse?
-The narrator's parents dismissed his experience, saying 'boys will be boys' and that they would not get pregnant, showing a lack of understanding and support.
Why did the narrator enter high school seminary?
-The narrator entered high school seminary as a means to escape his unpleasant home situation and past.
What mental health issues did the narrator face during his second year in seminary?
-The narrator faced panic attacks, anxiety, and depression during his second year in seminary.
What was the narrator's behavior regarding sexual exploration during his time in seminary?
-The narrator was addicted to the thought of having sex with his peers and was adventurous, even craving to satisfy himself sexually.
Why did the narrator decide to share his story?
-The narrator decided to share his story because he had lost students to suicide due to gender issues and family non-acceptance, and he wished he could have spoken with them to prevent such outcomes.
What would the narrator say to his five-year-old self if given the chance?
-If the narrator could see his five-year-old self again, he would embrace him and assure him that he is there for him, he will be fine, and he will be safe.
Outlines
😢 Childhood Sexual Abuse and Its Impact
The speaker recounts their traumatic childhood experience of sexual abuse by an older neighbor. The abuse occurred when the neighbor's family was absent, and it happened multiple times. The victim felt compelled to submit completely after the third incident. The abuser used various objects to inflict pain, and the victim's mother intervened during one of the incidents, suffering injuries in the process. The speaker grew up harboring resentment towards their father and discusses the societal stigma that discourages boys from reporting sexual abuse, viewing it as a sign of weakness. The cultural expectation for boys to be strong and self-reliant further complicates their ability to openly discuss emotional and psychological trauma. The speaker also shares their journey of seeking escape through a high school seminary, which they initially perceived as a haven but later realized was not the solution to their mental health struggles. They experienced panic attacks, anxiety, and depression during their second year, necessitating therapy.
🌈 Coming to Terms with Identity and Preventing Suicide
The speaker reflects on their sexual exploration and addiction to the idea of sex with peers, which led them to seek out the person who first introduced them to sex. They discuss their involvement with the gay community and the realization that sharing their story might help prevent suicides among students struggling with gender identity issues. The speaker expresses regret over not being able to connect with students who took their own lives due to familial rejection. They wish they could have shared their own experiences to provide comfort and support. The speaker concludes with a message of hope and safety, imagining what they would tell their younger self to help them cope with past traumas and to encourage open dialogue about their experiences.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Sexual abuse
💡Stigma
💡Emotional problems
💡Psychological problems
💡Coping mechanisms
💡Seminary
💡Depression
💡Suicide
💡Acceptance
💡Resilience
💡Therapy
Highlights
Narrator recalls being abused by an older male neighbor when they were young.
Abuse happened multiple times, with the neighbor using various objects to harm the narrator.
The narrator's mother protected them, suffering injuries in the process.
The narrator grew up with a deep resentment towards their father due to these experiences.
Sexual abuse and rape are under-reported due to societal stigma.
Boys are often expected to be strong and not show vulnerability, which can prevent them from reporting abuse.
The narrator's experience led them to seek refuge in a high school seminary.
The narrator experienced mental health issues, including panic attacks and depression.
They sought therapy to address these issues.
The narrator struggled with sexual addiction and had a desire to re-experience their past trauma.
They explored the gay community in an attempt to find pleasure and cope with their past.
The narrator shares their story to help prevent suicide among students facing similar issues.
They express regret for not being able to connect with students who committed suicide.
The narrator wishes they could have told their younger self that they are not alone and that they will be safe.
The narrator's story serves as a message of hope and support for others experiencing gender and identity issues.
Transcripts
[Music]
so
we had a neighbor an older male i think
it was
five or six seven years older than
me whenever his mom or his siblings
were away he would invite me in his
house
and there he would ask me to do things
that i've never did
it happened three times after the third
time
i felt i was willing to give myself
entirely to him
i remember lying down
sorry ready now you can do whatever
you want me to do then he passed by
and the only thing he did was to
spit on me
whatever material he would see in front
of him
like a wooden stick he would grab it his
belt that has
a sailor
sailor encore design he would
hit that on us i remember the last time
he really hit me hard my mother covered
me
protected me and when my mother tried to
cover me
the stick broke on her
so that was how hard
his meetings were yes i was
i was a better child i grew up
i grew up hating my father very much
[Music]
foreign
sexual abuse and rape is really highly
unreported because of the stigma
that we as a society attach to it
if you are a boy and you are being
abused it is a sign of weakness
and stupidity our culture says
that to be a boy you have to be strong
you have to protect yourself all the
time you are
to be the hero not to be rescued
so these are the pressures that we have
put on our voice
so therefore when it comes to issues of
abuse emotional problems psychological
problem
boys are not really trained to tell this
openly to us
when we told their parents about the
sexual abuse experience
of their children boy children they said
oh mom never mind
because they are boys boys will be boys
they will not get pregnant
[Music]
i only realize now that one of the
reasons why
i entered high school seminary was i
wanted to escape
on a lot of things to escape our
evidence
unpleasant situation in at home
i wanted to escape probably the
childhood past i thought the seminary
was a
was a state of heaven everything was
nice
pleasant spiritual
but i realized it was not heaven
i realized i well i had
i had a lot of mental problems
during my second year i had to see a
psychotherapist
because i was i was having
panic attacks i was having anxiety
i was depressed i don't know why
i was feeling all those
i was successful because i was
i was addicted to the thought
of of having sex with
my peers i was adventurous
you know i wanted to try there were
nights
that i would crave to satisfy
myself sexually it came to a point that
i would like to look for
that guy i encountered when i was five
years old
so i felt i was just seeking for
pleasure
and the only person
who i could think of
was that person who introduced me to sex
i went to experience the
the gay varsity i experienced hanging
out
with other gay men
i am deciding to tell or share my story
because i have lost
a few students to suicide
because of gender issues
because their parents their family did
not accept them
i had that resentment i had the regret
that how i wished i was able to know
what they were going through how i wish
i was able to tell them also
that i am going through the same
dynamics i really wish
i i had a chance to
you know to be able to speak with them
and probably prevent them from
thinking of committing
suicide instead
[Music]
if i would see again the five-year-old
little airy i would come to him right
away
and embrace him
and tell him it's okay
i am here for you i am here for you now
you will be fine
now and you will be safe with me
we'll face these issues
we're going to tell your story
[Music]
you
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