Stop Rejecting How Your Development Shaped You | Naftali Moses
Summary
TLDRIn this powerful narrative, the speaker shares a transformative journey of self-discovery and acceptance. From grappling with identity in a complex family dynamic to the pursuit of an ordinary life, the story highlights the emptiness of living inauthentically. A pivotal moment of clarity leads to a commitment to living true to oneself, embracing the extraordinary. The speaker's tale is a testament to the significance of being genuine and the profound impact it has on personal fulfillment and relationships.
Takeaways
- 🌟 The speaker emphasizes the importance of slowing down in life to truly connect with oneself and let go of habits that no longer serve personal growth.
- 🔍 The desire for love is a driving force in the speaker's life, and they encourage listeners to question what love truly means to them.
- 📚 The story of Joseph from the Bible is used as a metaphor for the speaker's own life, highlighting the significance of dreams and the pursuit of one's true self.
- 👨👩👧👦 The speaker's upbringing in a unique family dynamic, with a Hollywood actor father and a Bohemian mother, shaped their early understanding of identity and truth.
- 🏠 The family's transition to a more religious lifestyle and the impact of this change on the speaker's identity and sense of belonging is discussed.
- 🤔 The speaker grapples with the concept of being 'normal' and the pressures to conform to societal expectations, leading to a rebellious phase in their teens.
- 🚫 A critical view of certain religious institutions and their teachings is expressed, with the speaker advocating for personal exploration and questioning of beliefs.
- 💔 The emotional turmoil and identity crisis experienced by the speaker due to complex family dynamics and personal insecurities are shared.
- 💡 A pivotal moment of realization for the speaker came when they understood the importance of being true to oneself, rather than living a life defined by the expectations of others.
- 🛑 The speaker's near-fatal attraction to a 'normal' life led to a transformative decision to embrace their extraordinary self and pursue a life of authenticity and purpose.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the speaker's story?
-The main theme of the speaker's story revolves around self-discovery, embracing one's uniqueness, and the journey to find true love and purpose in life.
Why does the speaker feel grateful for being sick?
-The speaker is grateful for being sick because it allowed him to slow down, reflect on his life, and face the deep questions and desires that have been with him since childhood.
What significant event does the speaker discuss from his childhood?
-The speaker discusses his realization of being 'sick' as a child and his deep desire for love, which was a driving force throughout his life.
How does the story of Joseph relate to the speaker's own life?
-The story of Joseph, a dreamer who faced adversity and eventually rose to prominence, is paralleled with the speaker's own journey of facing his dreams and the challenges that came with them.
What major change did the speaker's father undergo that impacted the family?
-The speaker's father converted to Judaism, which led to significant changes in the household, including adopting a kosher lifestyle and becoming more religious.
What was the turning point for the speaker when he was 16 years old?
-The turning point for the speaker at 16 was his confrontation with a rabbi about the teachings of the institution he was part of, leading to his realization of the need to question authority and seek his own truth.
Why did the speaker feel like an outsider in his community?
-The speaker felt like an outsider because he was part of an Orthodox Jewish community but did not agree with its teachings and practices, leading to a sense of alienation.
What was the speaker's approach to relationships before his transformation?
-Before his transformation, the speaker's approach to relationships was transactional and superficial, focusing on appearances and societal ideals rather than genuine connection and self-acceptance.
What life-changing decision did the speaker make at 21 years old?
-At 21 years old, the speaker decided to commit to being true to himself and living a life of authenticity, rejecting the pursuit of being like everyone else.
How does the speaker describe his relationship with his parents after his transformation?
-After his transformation, the speaker began to embrace his parents' uniqueness and extraordinary qualities, recognizing the value in their non-ordinary lives and the lessons they taught him.
Outlines
🌟 Self-Reflection and the Quest for Authenticity
The speaker begins by expressing excitement over a significant personal revelation they wish to share, which they believe will resonate with the audience. They hint at a transformative journey that started from a young age, driven by deep questions and desires. The speaker acknowledges a recent illness that forced them to slow down and confront their true self, leading to a desire to share their insights on the importance of periodic self-reflection and letting go of life's acquired habits. They introduce a personal narrative that parallels the biblical story of Joseph, drawing connections between Joseph's dreams and their own life's aspirations, suggesting that our deepest desires can guide us to our true selves.
👨👩👧👦 Family, Fame, and the Search for Truth
The speaker delves into their family background, contrasting their father's former life as a Hollywood actor on the popular TV show 'General Hospital' with their mother's free-spirited Bohemian nature. They describe their father as a powerful, intense figure, and their mother as emotionally intuitive and genuine. The narrative continues with the family's religious transformation, with the father converting to Judaism, which brought the family closer. The speaker, as the youngest of seven brothers, struggled with identity and belonging, especially after being removed from their Orthodox Jewish school environment due to a perceived misalignment with their family's values. This led to a period of confusion and a search for truth and identity.
🔥 Rebellion and the Path to Self-Discovery
In this paragraph, the speaker recounts their teenage years, marked by rebellion and a quest to fit in and be like everyone else. They describe their struggle with the absence of women in their life, leading to an early and damaging introduction to pornography. As they grew older, their resentment towards their parents and the institution that had shaped their early life grew. The speaker emphasizes the importance of rebellion with a purpose, a rebellion that seeks truth and evolution. They share their experiences of partying and seeking relationships as a means to feel ordinary, but ultimately realizing the emptiness of this pursuit.
🏫 From Academic Charades to Genuine Learning
The speaker reflects on their academic journey, from homeschooling to college, where they initially focused on appearing smart rather than truly learning. They share their realization that simply passing tests did not equate to knowledge or understanding. This led to a shift in perspective, where they began to value genuine learning over academic performance. The speaker also touches on their desire to pursue a career in physical therapy, driven by an interest in psychology and a desire for control, but acknowledges the emptiness of this pursuit when compared to their deeper needs and values.
💔 The Monster Within and the Pursuit of Ordinary Life
Here, the speaker describes a pivotal relationship that began with the hope of achieving an ordinary life but quickly turned into a realization of their own 'monstrous nature.' They recount how they tried to shape their partner into their ideal, disregarding their own values and beliefs in the process. The relationship ended in heartbreak and a near-death experience, leading to a profound awakening. The speaker came to understand that living a life that rejects one's true self leads to misery and emptiness.
🌱 Embracing Authenticity and the Transformation It Brings
In the final paragraph, the speaker决心接受自己的非凡和独特性,开始转变自己的生活。他们意识到,只有通过接受和拥抱自己的真实身份,才能找到真正的爱和满足感。这一年,他们开始转变,重新审视父母,认识到自己的非凡,以及自己生活中的目的和方向。他们强调,真正的爱情存在于你真实自我的另一面,只有通过最高的善意和承诺,才能实现自我转变。
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Desire for Love
💡Authenticity
💡Dreams and Reality
💡Rebellion
💡Self-Acceptance
💡Transformation
💡Ordinary vs. Extraordinary
💡Insecurity
💡Pursuit of Truth
💡Divine Intervention
Highlights
The speaker shares a crucial moment in their development that has the potential to enlighten the audience's lives.
A personal story is introduced, which may be familiar but is presented with new depth and meaning.
The importance of slowing down in life to connect with one's true self is emphasized.
The speaker discusses the transformative power of facing one's deepest desires and questions.
A reflection on illness as a blessing in disguise, providing an opportunity for introspection.
The concept of love as a driving force in the speaker's life is explored.
The story of Joseph from the Bible is used as a metaphor for the speaker's own life journey.
The challenges faced by Joseph, including betrayal by his brothers, mirror the speaker's own struggles.
The significance of dreams and their interpretation in both Joseph's story and the speaker's life is highlighted.
The speaker's journey from feeling like an outsider to embracing their uniqueness is shared.
The impact of the speaker's parents' conversion to Judaism and its effect on their upbringing is discussed.
The speaker's struggle with identity and belonging in the face of a complex family background is revealed.
The transformative power of questioning societal norms and expectations is explored.
The speaker's realization of the emptiness in pursuing a life that mimics others rather than embracing one's own path.
A pivotal moment of clarity where the speaker chooses authenticity over a life of lies and societal expectations.
The speaker's newfound commitment to living a life true to themselves and the positive changes that followed.
The conclusion that real love and fulfillment come from being true to oneself, not from conforming to societal ideals.
Transcripts
today is really exciting something very
important I want to share with you
something crucial to my development and
I think it'll really shine a light on
your life change my life I know it'll
change yours a lot of this has to do
with a story I haven't told you maybe
you've seen it before in my darkness
that's partially
true a lot of it is but I believe this
the fundamental stuff the really deep
questions I had the desires I had ever
since I was a little boy things that
were so me I knew all
along I've been sick the last couple
days and I'm honestly grateful to God
for that slowed me down sat me down and
allowed me to face what I really need to
face I really want to share that with
you I want to share how significant it
is to have periods of your life to where
you slow down to where you sit down to
where you dive deep to where you start
to connect to what's really you and
start to let go of all of those habits
that you've picked up over your life the
things that set you free probably
wondering what this is I'm just going to
burn it out
cuz it smells
[Music]
nice sure you guys are very familiar
with the content of the videos at this
point today is going to be really really
important because it's actually one of
the biggest issues that we have nowadays
and it goes across the board in all
areas of your
life what drove me my whole life is the
desire for love now you're probably like
well that drives me too this is a very
deep question to ask yourself what is
love I remember even as a little kid if
there was a girl I liked I'd like write
her a note or something and blush turn
another kind of color who I was as a
teenager was not
that I also remember how much people
would tell me that that's not real and
so then you hear that real what's real
and that's still what drives me reality
the desire to find what's true that's
what lights me up and sometimes our
deepest deepest desires feel like some
of the grandest fantasies that's exactly
what you need to find what's true in
those fantasies so I want to bring up a
story of Joseph and I'll go ahead and
tie it into my story Joseph is the
youngest of 12 or the second youngest of
12 he's a dreamer I think anybody who's
had a family don't do this of course
this is what he does he is of the most
favored of all of his sons of the loved
wife Joseph was born to he goes up to
his family and he goes hey guys here is
my Messianic dream where I'm the star
and it's shining real bright and you
guys are all surrounding my star with
the sun and the moon the next
dream get the kids together get the
family together let me share it with
them I promises will end well gu the
brothers together and he shares my
sheave was standing in the middle as all
of your sheaves were bowing to mine 11
others of course the brothers go about
doing what brothers do and his father
says hey Joseph go investigate your
brothers so he gets up and he walks all
the way to where his brothers are and of
course the brothers conspire to kill him
because of their Envy they throw him in
the pit they look at him and they go
what's become of your dreams now boy you
know it's a deep dialogue that we all
have with ourselves what's become of
your dreams now when the people you love
turn their back on you when you share
those dreams when you open up well let's
see what becomes of those dreams are
they delusion are they real well we'll
find out so from one pit to the next to
working as a servant in Po's house to
then having Po's wife throw yourself
onto you as you're throwing into another
pit not for for a couple years for 13
years where are your dreams now boy 13
years go by he interprets a few dreams
those dreams that he interpreted because
he is a dreamer at the fundamental
essence of what we all are he's brought
up to pharaoh and on his knees he
interprets Pharaoh's dream and of course
the one that could I guess reveal the
secrets changes their name and so he
went from Joseph to Oat Pena in English
it means revealer of Secrets
fundamentally you know there's there's a
lot about us that has discovered through
these dreams and sometimes a lot of our
deepest desires feel like dreams that we
want to manifest so I want to tell you
the story of my life and giving you the
understanding of the Joseph story I
deeply relate to it I never thought of
it until now but I can I can see a lot
of how that shines a light on me I am
the youngest of my brothers and I want
you guys to not only just listen to what
I have to say but also be able to see
that this is true for you too if you're
listening to this something about me you
connect with and I want to break those
projections too because I'm just like
you we wouldn't find any relatability if
I wasn't maybe I'm the ideal that you
want to be or or the person that you are
that you want to come closer with but at
the end of the day we're all humans and
and that's what brings us together what
really drove me as a young boy was love
and then after people criticize that and
judge it enough you question whether
real love exists and that's a journey in
it of itself but if you want to know the
one thing that I wanted to be like was
like everyone else nothing drove me more
than this deep insecurity of trying to
hide who I am I want wanted to be like
everyone else growing up if you want to
know something about my mother and my
father my father used to be a Hollywood
actor and he was in a very popular TV
show called General Hospital for years
he amassed a lot of Fame and Fortune my
mother was a Bohemian
hippie Moroccan Bohemian hippie that
moved out to Los Angeles and my father's
a very interesting character a very
intense figure a powerful figure a
leader a genius an excellent mind a very
present
individual my mother is a I mean like
the embodied the feminine in every way
possible genius in her own emotions and
her capacity she she knows what she is
and there's so much greatness in that
who she is of course but she had her own
existential crisises and my dad being
the guy he is was more than likely
pulled to somebody that's driven by
truth now my father was never a Jew my
mother was born Jewish but not religious
so she married a non-jew and and Jewish
culture it's not a great thing to do it
just shows you how disconnected your are
from the values years go by struggling
marriage a hard home to build cuz you
know my dad is like you know what he
already had two children from a previous
marriage and this one's falling apart
just like every other one and he said
well guess better to keep her around my
mother always Lov my father because he
was such an honest man even when he was
a Silverback Gorilla made a steel she
saw that he had a heart with his
children and he said the truth always
and I think a lot of us think how can
you build with somebody and it's like
well be very simple it's who they are
not just what they identify with there's
no shortage of people that identify with
things and that's weak that's empty that
doesn't get anybody anywhere but they
both had a deep deep desire for truth
and what was right what who they were
and what they needed to do for the
highest possible purpose so my father
converts to Judaism partially for his
own Journey my mother was somebody who
inspired him because she led by example
she never asked him not a day in her
life she never said I need you to be
Jewish she started upholding her own
standard she wanted more children after
their first son together they had
another shortly after well 7 years later
and that was my older brother one of my
mentors in in so many ways H God bless
him I'll share a lot about him in this
because that man really helped me in my
life he really helped me in my life with
so many things he helped me use my brain
he helped me show me how to solve
problems I couldn't do that for the life
of me parents become super religious my
father converts Judaism my whole
household is a different kind of house
it's a kosher home abbreviations my
parents are closer together than they
ever have and my mother wants more
children they have my older brother
followed by another boy after that who
shortly passes away followed by twins
I'm the youngest of those Twins and my
older brother Dan is also an hour older
than me some would say that he's not
older he's my twin but I respect the
hour difference it shines a light on
where I am and understanding that for
myself growing up you don't know how
your parents were before you just see
how they present themselves and they
become exactly that but you become so
confused about who you are and I was the
youngest of seven
boys horny like a silver back gorilla
and emotionally intuitive like my mother
but I couldn't see these things so I was
put in Orthodox Jewish school and if you
guys want to know something about me I
had my sideburns that you grow out and
curled up and put the yamaka on the
middle of the head and that was my life
yet my parents were so unique I used to
think they were just like everybody else
in the community cuz that's who I was
hanging out with I was hanging out with
everybody else I grew up till about
sixth grade and my parents sit me down
they go hey aali Dan the list of my
other brothers you've been lied to
everything that you're learning in
school is a complete and total
catastrophe and actually the exact
opposite of what we agreed to set you up
with you know what happens to a kid when
they hear that and everybody has that
moment when they're a kid it can create
traumas complex traumas too traumas to
where you start looking for control but
even in your own value system and that
was for me personally I started looking
for control even in my own value system
There Was Fear it hit parents arguing
every day about what's the truth what's
right this institution is lying to us us
it's not following exactly what we
believed it was following it's not the
word of God it's not the truth I'm of
course there taken out of school I
didn't have any friends I am the
youngest of Seven Brothers I don't have
any sisters I see my mother in panic and
flight ORF flight every day and I see my
father trying to hold all of this
together in the midst of it one of my
older brothers is overseas somebody I
looked at as a hero and he's now so far
away from me and of course they're
saying hey it's because of the
institutional thing that this happened
so I'm grabbing the back of my hair but
I didn't even know how to express those
kind of emotions as a kid so I just let
it turn out how it did which was
survival hiding my biggest dream of
being like everyone else is now starting
to be shattered it's becoming further
away from me as I grow up to become a
teenager I mean another side note is is
that my whole life women were not part
of it they were not part of it it was
hang out with the guys go to a all boys
Jewish school hang out with the guys and
even if you're at the all boys Jewish
school remember the girls are in another
level so you have to go upstairs if you
want to see them and if and then if you
actually want to start seeing the other
girls well then they sep SE at them from
schools once you're in high school and
so there creates this like
burning scarcity around that and that
that was a lot of whatshap me and again
that now compounded with the complex
trauma of what I need to identify with
what are my beliefs what are my values
what is true oo big question to have
when it comes on your lap when you're 10
years old coming out of sixth grade me
and my brother would climb the tree we
would just do something you know my
parent my dad would be like hey read
these books you know you're homeschooled
but all all we'd really see is our
parents argue and you know that opened
up a door for pornography and that was a
whole catastrophe because you know my
experience with women not only not
having them in my life the first time I
experienced them was under the basis of
porn and that'll mess you up big time I
know crazy come a long way that's
exactly what I really want to share is
that you guys can come and even a long
way yourself it's just a question of
your willingness and your intention and
the courage that you have in your life
so I grow up and become a teenager a
very rebellious one the one person I
hated most my mother so yes classic
mommy issues my biggest desire was how I
can be like the rest of the world how I
can hide I want to go to prom I want to
be the high school jock I want to be the
guy that everybody goes hey there he is
here comes trouble a lot of this nature
started to manifest as I got older when
I was 15 was when I really started to
have a lot of resentment not only
towards my parents but towards the
institution I was put in sure I wasn't
in the Jewish schools but I was still
part of the Jewish Community my
rebellious nature existed and this is
something I really want to speak to you
guys about which is the importance of
that Rebel but the rebel with a cause
the rebel with intention the rebel with
belief the reel evolutionary who
successful brings peace I was 16 years
old just started going out to parties
meeting girls oo starting to feel a lot
like I'm becoming like everyone else I'm
becoming the thing that I need to be
finally I could survive I can get what I
needed one of the biggest things that
really messed me up when I was younger
is is hey if I'm not part of the
community if I'm not part of the schools
they have a status quo of how things
work right and so being an individual
comes at a cost right if I'm not part of
their system then I have to be something
that exists without the system someone
of true faith and of course I'm the most
rebellious I'm the least agreeable and I
don't agree with what the things were
saying and here's how it goes a lot of
me I guess was developed because of an
understanding of embracing my life for
its unordinary it's not like anyone
else's it's not a normal life and that's
the lie that I wanted to believe because
it could keep me
comfortable I remember I was invited to
this Jewish seminar of sorts where they
were talking about don't speak or touch
the girls until you're married and um I
look around all I see is a bunch of
horny men and I get up and I go whoa
whoa whoo where where does it say you
can't touch girls actually where does it
say you can't sleep with them cuz of
course there's one thing I loved and it
was women and the Revolutionary although
he may come from a wrong place or may he
may say the wrong things at times he may
fight the wrong battles but do you
really believe in what you fight for
where you're coming from is it good is
it coming from a place that's genuine
sincere driven
true and I remember I tell the rabbi I
was like Hey should show me where that
is where you can't and of course anybody
who's challenged any institution or any
Authority knows how this goes you're
alienated and so of course he couldn't
show me that and I get up and I go I
could tell you actually The Exchange I
go hey where does it say that he goes
well you know it's actually a fence that
we later came up with that says that and
I said well wait can you show me in the
Bible in the Torah where it says those
exact words or is this just your self-
referencing system of course very
emotional 16-year-old hardly ever read
books and that was partially part of my
development is that I was so invested in
reality and my ability to play with it
didn't have social media at the time
that was when I started becoming more
like everyone else is when I became
hooked on that I eventually looked at
Rabbi in the eyes and I said hey so what
you're telling me is is that when people
are ready according to how you say ready
is then you'll set them up with girls
that you have access to after separating
them from boys their whole life you're
telling me this is going to end well is
this a pimping system and at 16 quite
vulgar quite rebellious the school gasps
I walked out and I guess that was the
beginning of me realizing you know if if
I want the things that I want in my life
I'm going to have to be the difference
you know there's nothing fun about that
realizing that you have true desires
things that you really want and you know
you look out on the world and well
that's all there is and so I became
afraid I said hey if I'm not part of
this community I guess I'll become like
the rest of the world and so what it was
was Finding who I can meet at the party
I put on The Masks there was no
sensitivity there was no softness I was
trying to see who I can get so that I
can create that life that I wanted that
life of ordinary go to the high school
prom meet the pretty girls go out with
them maybe this will turn out well say
the right things get their number go to
the right party then see the next person
say the right things get that person's
number it was like codes and bars and
feelings were never a part of my life no
not until very recently really not until
I started doing this and an
understanding of I could never be like
anyone else years go by I experienced
the 21st century relationship made me
really good at understanding that
there's nothing there for you especially
if you're not there for you my whole
life struggling fighting and fighting
until eventually I could just find my
way out and it was in this one
relationship that I was in in 2019 into
2020 I was 20 years old and I found her
blank like a white sheet of paper she
could be everything that I need to hide
all of what I am every day of my life I
rejected my parents they're too much
they're too intense why can't they just
be normal I looked in the mirror and I
said why do you feel this why do you
feel that why can't you just be normal I
look around I go in fact actually be
like everyone El
else love is there look they're meeting
each other what about you were we alone
criticism criticism criticism so much of
me rejecting
myself a little bit before that you know
I graduated my high school home school
situation it's a very a hes School
charter school program I don't know how
to put it I then go to college and I
just said for the first time I'm done
passing test and I don't know if you
guys want to know this about me my whole
life I believed I was an idiot
it that was another product of my
survival wasn't be smart look smart I'll
get you further and yet you'd be shocked
how many people are fooled by looking
smart I didn't remember anything in high
school I couldn't even pronounce
mitochondria right I said mandria and
I'd get an A+ on a test I remembered
five pages of Spanish that I don't even
remember to this day but hey it got me
an A+ even my teacher called me out on
my [ __ ] I didn't care I needed to
learn how to survive and that's been my
whole life how to survive being like
others is the best form of survival in a
world where the fat people are broke and
and there's broke people looking rich
like think about that you better you
better start being real there's a lot of
necessity for it you know speaking of my
older brother throughout this point in
my life he was somebody who I'd cry to
when trying to learn how to do math i'
I'd beg him and he'd be acing everything
he had like a computer brain every
single thing that I had a problem with
he was amazing at you know practicing
piano I was hated you know I hated my
piano teacher you know I hated my mother
had so much emotion and I didn't know
what to do with it and it just
ultimately felt like you know I was
better out there conquering the world
and I was in the own confinements of my
home anytime I brought a girl home my
mother would have so much to say about
her and of course that' make me hate her
more you know I'd make women these
deification of something that they weren
so that I could run from myself and all
of the things that I hold against women
whole different
conversation you know my brother was so
essential somebody who uh he helped me
learn how to use a camera solve a
problem use a spreadsheet develop a
website you know those kind of things he
was excellent at and I had no ability
there I believed I was stupid you know I
I couldn't do math I could pass to I had
this impostor that was dragging around
with me everywhere sure I graduated at
16 because I really wanted to get out so
I could go to college and that's what
everybody believes is their dream and as
I went to college I realized do I want
to keep passing tests or do I want to
learn something for the first time in my
life I remember I'm in school and I said
you know what I don't care if I fail the
test I want to learn something I'm in my
econ class I'm raising my hand i'm
talking with the teacher I'm flirting
with the girls I'm I'm teasing the
classroom I'm I'm sharing my mind and I
said you know what I won't even do the
homework I just want to learn something
for the first time in my life I finished
that semester
my teacher pulls me out of the room and
he goes look there's only one reason why
I'm pass letting you pass this class you
failed every test but how does that make
any
sense he like you were participating in
the group I could feel your intellect
you had curiosity you were driven you
contributed you you had a lot to
understand about Ecom and I was like
well to be honest with you passing tests
and learning things are very different
and I don't know how I'm going to get
through college if I'm trying to learn
something and not pass a test and he
laughed and he goes hey C minus you
passed of course the next few semesters
I realized it was biology my god I've
tooken that thing so many times just to
show you the scam of high school I felt
like an idiot the whole time of course
raising my hand interacting with the
group failing all the tests failing all
the tests cuz now I was actually
learning something I was actually
enjoying my biolab they were talking
about human behavioral characteristics
that show up in mammals and I was like
oh this is my let's go I love psychology
this is all I really craved ever since I
was young and this one point in my life
I realized you know I wanted to be a
physical therapist when I was 22 I don't
know whose idea was that pretty bad idea
promise you not what you want to start
with you know if it was up to me when I
was 16 I'd be a garbage man I looked at
the hourly rate that was that's how I
determined My Success you know it's like
let's look at how much you can make an
hour as I go to walk to my Biol lab I
walk all the way off the college campus
I walk all the way to my house I'm 17
years old I'm unemployed I don't have a
job I can no longer hide behind the
guises of Academia as a broke individual
who drinks and parties all day but it's
okay I go to college don't worry it'll
all be fine I walk all the way home I
pick up my controller I kicked my feet
up on the table and I played video games
for 24 hours I realized you know I
there's nothing I could learn here I
just better act like I know a thing or
two became an excellent actor definitely
got it from my father and I said well
what do I know I'm in good shape I guess
I could teach people how to get in shape
I like psychology I guess I'll learn it
cuz you know you can get a lot of
control from that my deep desire for
control came from that I like an
understanding of philosophy and belief
because I I do believe in something
Beyond myself so I always kept those
things at Bay I went out every night I
trained the people that I did increased
my rate I kept doing that for years
experienced the 21st century
relationship to realize nothing to offer
there until eventually I became 20 years
old I was 20 years old I met this one
girl and this is when I was able to
realize my monstrous nature she was a
blank sheet of paper I made her
everything that I needed this was my
golden ticket to an ordinary life I
could be just like everyone else I could
disregard my faith I could disregard my
values I could disregard my parents I
could disregard my family I could hide
behind the guises of the societal ideal
and I'm going to go for it sure I could
have my own gym business and I could
train as many people as I can and I can
make more money than anybody else could
this was my opportunity to see if you
really want something bad enough go for
it are you just willing to see if it's a
delusion or not my deepest desire as a
young boy was true love well this is it
I'm going to die on this hill and I made
that relationship a grand Entourage to
everyone that I was happy that this is
the ideal this is what you want
of course years go
by or actually a year and a half goes by
and I realize everything that I am I am
losing I had my wish come true Nali
you'll be just like everyone else your
gifts gone your upbringing gone your
beliefs
gone your roots gone I ended that
relationship nearly did it that close I
want you to think of it this way if
there was a switch to where I could die
I would have switched it and this had
nothing to do with the relationship the
relationship was just the sum total of
all of my Pursuits and their emptiness
it was the pursuit of somebody who was
driven to be like everyone else not
driven to be himself with purpose and
there was that switch and I'll tell you
how I used to live my life and it's how
you live your life and how you live your
life and every single person on planet
Earth lives their life until they wake
up to an understanding why it's
important to be themselves to be real to
be truthful to discover why you're here
to what's
true you want to know what it
is well here it is I was praying
for death everything in my life was an
opposition of who I am and I couldn't
wait to check all the boxes and after I
did there was nothing to experience I
wanted to go that's the way a majority
of people live their lives they live
their lives as a life quiet misery as
they check a bunch of boxes and after
they do they go did it now I'm ready for
heaven they're living for a life that's
not even this one you really want to see
a philosophy see how much they believe
in heaven in relationship to what's
reality which is right in front of them
it'll show you a lot about them most
people's whole faiths and belief systems
exist in rejection of who they are and
they wonder that this is going to turn
out well I promise you if your whole
life is about a rejection of who you are
so that you could be seen a certain way
to everybody else you are living to die
and at 21 years old I realized that for
the first time in my life being gaset in
the kitchen I remember this whole
conversation talking about how if she
said the right things I'd be with her
but I realized my greatest nightmare was
starting to become true all of who I am
was dying I was erasing it every second
I stayed there through the grace of God
I leaped for that switch of death that
switch of I want to erase everything
that I am there's too much
responsibility in that there's too much
personal in that I'll be seen by the
world I'll be rejected by everyone as I
am and as I Sprint for that switch it
was like I got shot by a shotgun before
I could reach that I know a lot of us go
oh well that's too bad you were so close
no it's called divine intervention saved
my life I was this close to staying with
my ex do you want to know what saved me
God because that's the only thing that
could answer these kind of questions
something was guiding me in my life and
for the first time I could experience it
it was funny I was actually losing my
hair in the relationship and I was like
a big indicator of like oh God this is
killing me we were having this argument
we realized we weren't compatible that
this wouldn't work progressively getting
worse and worse till eventually her
father gives me a call and her father
goes you son of a [ __ ] I'm goinging
kill you do you want to know when he
gave me that call when I took my dad's
car back from my own home that I sh
shared with this girl and I drove it all
the way back to my house when I got back
to my house I look for my
keys and I'm like where are they so I'm
like I need to call my brother by the
way I had nothing left I felt as weak as
I ever felt in my life I look at my
phone one voice know girlfriend's father
listen to it you I'm going to kill you
what are you doing to my daughter
something I realized I've only taken
care of that girl although I had my
insufficiencies I never mistreated her I
drive back like I'm and Batman Begins
vein popping out of my arm I get all the
way to the house I park the car I open
the door and I look at her and I go oh
he's calling me on speaker starts
cursing at me and I go what are you
telling your family she goes I love you
neali
but I could in that moment I felt it I
saw her mask come off I saw reality slow
down I saw an A or B option for the
first time in my life a embrace the LIE
eat of the fruit B live a life as true
as you can as much as that hurts it's
the only thing that matters make the
highest possible commitment to the
highest good and let that transform you
I could see the sweat on my forehead
zoomed in to a 100x I could hear a tree
fall in a forest all the way out in
Indonesia something resided in me it was
the commitment that I made for the rest
of my life that I can never be like
anyone else and in fact every time I do
not only do I hurt myself I hurt the
people I love most that is the beginning
of my story I said goodbye I'm going to
grab everything that I need in the next
10 minutes and you'll never see me again
what do you think I was saying goodbye
to ladies and gentlemen I was saying
goodbye to the part of myself that died
to be like everyone else the next year I
started transforming instantly I started
looking at my parents embracing they're
not ordinary I started looking at myself
realizing that I'm not Ord AR I started
looking at my life and what exactly it
aimed forwards up to this point and I
realized that through and accepting that
everything in my life is different and
not the same and that I'm not supposed
to be the same I got to see how
extraordinary my parents are how
extraordinary I am the gifts that I have
and what I need to do with my life real
love is on the other side of you being
real just remember that
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