3 Tips For Communicating With An Avoidant Partner
Summary
TLDRIn this video, licensed therapist Brianna McWilliam offers three essential tips for communicating with an avoidant partner. She guides viewers on how to take personal inventory, express oneself honestly without being defensive, and maintain boundaries. McWilliam also advises on when it might be time to end a relationship that isn't serving one's needs. She emphasizes the importance of deep structure communication, rephrasing language to be non-accusatory, and keeping dialogue empathetic and validating. The video is aimed at helping individuals with insecure attachment styles build deeper connections or decide to let go of unproductive relationships.
Takeaways
- 🧘♀️ **Personal Inventory**: Before communicating with an avoidant partner, it's crucial to do a personal inventory to understand your own emotional motivations and subconscious agendas.
- 🗣️ **Deep Structure Communication**: Aim for emotional contact rather than defensive verbal responses when communicating with an avoidant partner.
- 🔄 **Reframe Your Language**: Use 'I feel' statements to express your needs honestly without being accusatory or overly reliant on the partner's actions.
- 🤔 **Assume Partner's Perspective**: Consider how your partner might experience your statements and identify any subconscious agendas that might be driving your communication.
- 💬 **Honest Dialogue**: Keep the conversation going by expressing empathy, validation, and curiosity, while avoiding statements that may trigger an avoidant partner.
- 🚫 **Avoid Triggering Statements**: Certain phrases can be particularly triggering for avoidant individuals, such as 'I know what you're really feeling' or 'If you loved me, you would...'
- 🤝 **Co-creative Problem Solving**: Invite your partner to collaborate on finding solutions that satisfy both parties' needs.
- 🕒 **Respect Ambivalence**: Understand that your partner's ambivalence may be their truth, and it's essential to respect their emotional state.
- 💔 **Honoring Boundaries**: If your partner cannot respond honestly, it might be time to honor your boundaries and consider if the relationship is still serving you.
- 🌟 **Internal Work**: Recognize that both partners need to work on their internal emotional spaces and that it's not solely the responsibility of one person to change the dynamic.
Q & A
What is the main focus of the video script?
-The main focus of the video script is to provide tips for communicating with an avoidant partner in a relationship, particularly for those who struggle with insecure attachment styles.
What is the first tip given for communicating with an avoidant partner?
-The first tip is to do a personal inventory before communicating with an avoidant partner. This involves exploring a step-by-step process for deep structure communication to avoid miscommunications.
What is meant by 'deep structure communication'?
-Deep structure communication refers to the emotional contact that one is looking for, as opposed to the defensive verbal responses that usually come out of our mouths during conversations.
How does one begin the process of deep structure communication?
-One begins by writing out the specific statement they want to communicate, then considering what they hope to accomplish with that statement, their intentions behind it, and how they think their partner might experience it.
What is the second tip for communicating with an avoidant partner?
-The second tip is to rephrase language in a way that is honest but not accusing or overly reliant. It involves expressing needs in a general way rather than focusing on specific lacks or deficiencies.
How can one express their feelings without sounding critical or needy?
-One can express their feelings by using an 'I feel' statement that focuses on desires and appreciations, avoiding blame, and inviting a co-creative process for problem-solving.
What is the third tip for maintaining dialogue with an avoidant partner?
-The third tip is to keep the dialogue going in an empathetic way, which includes mirroring validation, expressing empathy, and showing curiosity about the partner's feelings and needs.
Why is it important to avoid certain statements when communicating with an avoidant partner?
-Certain statements can be particularly triggering for avoidant individuals, as they may feel like accusations or ultimatums, leading to defensiveness or withdrawal from the conversation.
What should one do if their avoidant partner is not responding honestly?
-If an avoidant partner is not responding honestly, it's important to honor one's boundaries, possibly reduce contact, and do a personal inventory to decide if the relationship is still a good fit.
What is the role of personal boundaries in the context of this video script?
-Personal boundaries are crucial in ensuring that one's emotional needs are respected and that they are not compromising their own well-being in an attempt to accommodate an avoidant partner.
How does the video script suggest handling the situation if the avoidant partner continues to maintain emotional distance?
-The script suggests that if the avoidant partner continues to maintain emotional distance, one should address the conflict both internally and within the partnership, and consider if the relationship is serving their needs.
Outlines
🗣️ Communicating with an Avoidant Partner
The paragraph introduces the topic of communicating with an avoidant partner, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's own feelings and communication style. It outlines three tips for effective communication: taking personal inventory, expressing oneself honestly without being defensive, and knowing when to end a relationship. The speaker, Brianna McWilliam, a licensed therapist, provides a framework for 'deep structure communication' to minimize misunderstandings and suggests a step-by-step process for self-reflection before communicating with a partner. This includes identifying what one wants to say, the desired outcome, the underlying emotional motivation, and considering the partner's perspective.
🔄 Rethinking Communication and Letting Go of Outcomes
This segment delves deeper into the communication process, advising the audience to be less attached to the desired outcomes and more focused on the act of expressing oneself honestly. It discusses the importance of reframing language to be honest but not accusatory, shifting from a complaint to a desire for more of something positive. The paragraph provides a blueprint for constructing 'I feel' statements that are appreciative, expressive of feelings, thoughts, and the importance of the issue, while inviting a co-creative problem-solving process. It also cautions against making ultimatums and emphasizes the attractiveness of independence and self-possession in communication.
🚫 Setting Boundaries and Respecting Personal Freedom
The third paragraph addresses the importance of setting boundaries and respecting personal freedom in a relationship. It advises on how to handle situations where a partner may not respond honestly, suggesting that one should honor their boundaries and not revert to anxious behavior. The speaker recommends reducing contact if the partner's response is ambivalent and encourages self-reflection to determine if the relationship is worth continuing. The paragraph also highlights the importance of not over-explaining one's actions or absence to maintain a strong position and to communicate effectively without appearing needy or controlling.
🤝 Fostering Empathy and Curiosity in Dialogue
The final paragraph focuses on maintaining an empathetic dialogue, which includes mirroring, validating, expressing empathy, and showing curiosity. It explains each component as a way to keep communication open and honest. Mirroring involves reflecting the partner's message accurately, validation acknowledges the receipt of the message, and empathy recognizes and experiences the partner's emotions. Curiosity is about seeking to understand the partner's needs and offering support. The speaker also warns against certain statements that can be particularly triggering for avoidant individuals and emphasizes that emotional honesty does not always lead to agreement, suggesting that both partners need to work on their internal spaces independently and together.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Anxious
💡Avoidant Partner
💡Communication
💡Personal Inventory
💡Deep Structure Communication
💡Emotional Honesty
💡Boundaries
💡Empathy
💡Validation
💡Curiosity
Highlights
Three tips for communicating with an avoidant partner are discussed to help build a deeper connection or decide to end a relationship.
The importance of taking a personal inventory before communicating with a partner is emphasized to avoid miscommunication.
Deep structure communication is introduced as a method to achieve emotional contact without defensive verbal spew.
A step-by-step process is suggested for getting at the deep structure communication to understand one's subconscious motivations.
The need to assume your partner's perspective and consider their potential reactions to your statements is highlighted.
Rephrasing initial statements to be more emotionally honest is recommended after going through a self-awareness process.
The concept of detaching from the outcome of communication and focusing on the process is explained.
A blueprint for expressing oneself honestly and non-defensively is provided, focusing on 'I feel' statements.
The difference between expressing a need and making an accusation in communication is discussed.
The importance of being silent after expressing oneself to allow the partner to respond without pressure is mentioned.
Holding boundaries and knowing when to call it quits in a relationship is explored.
The significance of not reverting to old patterns after setting boundaries is explained.
The strategy of reducing contact to evaluate the relationship and one's own needs is suggested.
Four steps to keep the dialogue going in an empathetic way are introduced: mirroring, validation, empathy, and curiosity.
Triggering statements to avoid when communicating with an avoidant partner are listed to prevent negative reactions.
The myth that emotional honesty always leads to understanding and agreement is debunked, emphasizing the need for independent work on internal space.
The video concludes with an invitation for viewers to share their thoughts and explore further content on the topic.
Transcripts
if you tend to feel that you are anxious
or it's like there's a needy mess inside
and
no one ever taught you how to
communicate your feelings without
overwhelming or scaring a partner off
especially avoidant one an avoidant one
then you're going to want to stick
around for this segment
because today we're going to talk about
three tips for communicating with an
avoidant partner
and how to know when it is time to
really call it quits
so through these three tips we're going
to talk about how to take a personal
inventory
before you go in guns blazing we're
going to explore a blueprint for
expressing yourself
honestly and non-defensively we're going
to talk about how to hold your
boundaries and determine if it's time to
call it quits
and i'm also going to give you four
steps to keep the dialogue going in an
empathic
and equally validating way now if you've
been feeling kind of twisted
or muzzled in your relationship because
of a debilitating fear of scaring your
partner off
then the goal of this video is to give
you a road map to help you build a
deeper connection to your partner
or to finally let go of a relationship
that is no longer serving you
so definitely you want to stick with me
until the end welcome to my youtube
channel
my name is brianna mcwilliam and i am a
licensed and board certified creative
arts therapist
author and educator with more than 15
years in the field
helping adults struggling with insecure
attachment go
from self-doubting to self-sovereign so
they can attract those soul-shaking
passionate partnerships
that they want without having to talk in
circles around their feelings
for hours or even years on end with no
tangible result
today i'm going to be sharing a clip of
a live stream event that took place
inside my
private facebook groups which people can
access once they've purchased one of my
online courses
if you're interested in finding out if
you might have insecure attachment
check out the link in the caption of
this video you'll be able to take an
easy
four question quiz and find out your
attachment style
plus a detailed explanation now if you
like what you see in here
and you haven't yet make sure that you
like subscribe and ring the bell for
notifications
i put up videos once or twice a week and
sometimes i will do occasional live
streams
through my youtube channel and i
wouldn't want you to miss out
so this one i'm going to call three tips
for communicating
with an avoidant partner how can i
communicate with my avoidant partner
without coming across as critical or too
needy
and scaring them off now my first tip is
that
before you go in gun guns blazing you
need to do your own personal inventory
first so before communicating with a
partner
that especially has an opposing
attachment style than you
i recommend exploring a step-by-step
process for getting at what i'm going to
call the deep structure communication
so as to avoid as many miscommunications
as possible
so deep structure communication is the
emotional
the emotional contact that you're
looking for not the defensive
verbal spew that usually comes out of
our mouths
so first you want to ask yourself what
are you imagining that you are going
to say to them so i would have you write
out the specific
statement fantasy in your mind right
what's the first thing that comes to
mind
then you want to think about what do you
hope that that statement is going to
accomplish
so this is the action or behavior that
you hope your communication is going to
inspire in a partner you really have to
ask yourself
are you trying to maneuver them in some
way
and then you want to ask yourself this
is number three
what do you intend now this is more the
emotional motivation behind your
communication
this is where we start getting closer to
the deep structure communication
so what emotional need do you think
that that desired action you're trying
to get them to take
will fulfill what would that gratify for
you
does that gratification stem from some
place deeper within you that
you might benefit from looking at first
okay
then assume your partner's perspective
and take a guess at how they might
experience the statement you're planning
to make
and i would have you write down all of
the possibilities
then go through each one and notice your
emotional investment
in each possibility because that's going
to inform you of any subconscious agenda
that you may have
which your partner will pick up on
okay and you're gonna write down all the
emotions that are coming up for you
each and every one in detail
lastly i would have you consider now
having gone through this process
how might you rephrase that initial
statement to be more emotionally
honest and i would have you write down
those new possibilities
and i would have you repeat steps one
through five
until you feel like you have become
totally aware of your subconscious
motivations and agendas
and then proceed with what feels like
the most authentic action to take and or
statement to make
and realizing that you may not get the
outcome you want
the outcome that you might still be
hoping for and you're still allowed to
hope for it
but you might realize that maybe you
won't get that response
but also understand that that is not
nearly as important as the process that
you just went through
okay because now you are less attached
to the outcome
now that communication in and of itself
may be what you need
right being able to say what it is that
you really want and need
and how they respond may become
irrelevant in
comparison to the importance of the
process now the second tip
is to rephrase your language in a way
that is honest
but not accusing or overly reliant
now it's more about what you are wanting
in general
than about how you are getting or not
getting something from that person
specifically
so a lot of partners communicate their
needs from a defensive position and they
do not
realize it so then when they try to
offer an emotionally honest
i feel statement for example it comes
across as
critical so for example you're a rotten
jerk
now someone says well you need to
express that as an i feel statement
okay i feel mad that you're a rotten
jerk
okay that's not a proper i feel
statement
a proper i feel statement follows a
particular blueprint
the first thing i would have you do is
notice your complaint and usually you're
noticing a lack of something
when you notice a lack of something
shift the focus to realize that when you
notice a lack of something what you're
actually experiencing
is a desire for more okay so
instead of i don't have enough of you
say oh
i love this and i would like more of
very different vibrational signature
okay
then you express appreciation so this is
how it might sound
in your mind you think i'm not getting
enough of and so then you utter hey you
know what i would like more of
something you express appreciation
because you do it so well you express
how you feel
i feel so great you know wonderful
xyz whenever that happens then you
express what you think about that
feeling
and you know what i really enjoyed that
feeling i think it's great
then you emphasize how important that is
to you
and it's important to me that i feel
that more often in this relationship
you might also express curiosity how do
you feel about it
and then invite a co-creative process
for problem solving
because you know i'd love your input
maybe together we can come up with some
solutions that would satisfy both of us
okay so i'll give you another example
let's say this is a more contentious
situation
i feel disrespected and i don't like
feeling that way
then i feel angry because i worry that
i'm losing my connection with you and
that feels
unsafe in relationships i love feeling
reassured and close to a partner and i
like
knowing and feeling that my partner
wants to spend time with me
it's important for me to experience more
of that in this relationship
because i really like what we have when
it's good it's great
and i'd love to explore the
possibilities with you and want to know
more about your feelings and input about
it
and then be silent be
silent don't guide them on how to answer
you
beyond that don't try to fill up the
space with anxious chatter
or try to anticipate their answers the
less you say
the more impact you will have and your
job
is just to keep a poker face and show no
emotion at this point
and why is that because here you're
letting them know
that you are opting into this
relationship
it is your choice to stay in it or to
leave and you are making that choice
based on a knowledge of who you are
and what you want and they can either
join the party or not
now this allows you to appear
independent and self-possessed which is
actually really attractive
but if you push it too far and you say
something like
if you don't do this then i'm gonna
leave you
now that sounds like a tantrum it sounds
like an ultimatum
it comes across as controlling or
petulant and it's going to have the
opposite effect
now it might sound like i'm splitting
hairs here because it seems like the
same sentiment
is being implied but i
assure you how you deliver this makes a
world of difference in communication
because implying that you can leave
anytime you want is very different
than making a show of threatening to
leave in order to get a reaction
okay now in this case you are respecting
their separateness
and an ability to decide for themselves
if closeness if the closeness that you
want is the closeness that they choose
for themselves
as well which means that they won't feel
like their personal freedom is being
encroached upon
now in essence you just created an
opening for them to provide an honest
answer
and if they can't respond to you
honestly then that's really important
information for you
and you'll be able to tell that they're
not able to respond honestly because
they will deflect
get mad try to say that you're making
everything about you
they might get passive aggressive or
find a way to leave the situation
without acknowledging what you said at
all
or sharing anything about their feelings
and if that's the case
then it is time for you to honor your
boundaries and stick to your guns
so if instead however you slump into an
anxious mess
and you start beating yourself up for
thinking that you somehow could have
controlled the situation better if you
had only done or said something
differently
realize that you are now in survival
mode
okay you are in a survival mode response
and then what happens is you wind up
texting them 24 to 48 hours later saying
sorry
i guess i got a little intense there huh
probably too much too soon
no worries i get it and then
you go back on everything you just said
now if you do that i love you so much
if you do that you will have violated
your own boundaries
you will have destroyed their respect
for you and you will let them know that
you are a pushover
which means that they are driving the
boat and if they like that
you will forever be at their beck and
call and more boundary violations are
sure to follow
if they don't like that then they'll
probably ghost you or they'll find a way
to sabotage or peace out of the
relationship
as soon as possible now if they respond
in a way that falls into an ambivalent
gray space
they're either testing your resolve or
they just genuinely don't know yet
if you are certain yourself then it is
time to make yourself scarce
and this is not because you're trying to
punish them or force an answer
but because you need to do a personal
inventory
and decide if you have reached a
threshold where ambivalence just doesn't
cut it anymore
and they may genuinely not be the right
fit for you
and so what does that look like well i
recommend cutting back your contact with
them by
50 and to see them maybe once or twice
in a two-week period
go on a vacation with your friends
meditate make art
go on a hike sequester yourself in
nature go smash dishes or throw axes at
your local wrecking club
ask yourself how long you are willing to
wait
for clarity or certainty and put a
number on it
and know what you want before they say
anything
do not volunteer information about your
life or your plans
do not over explain your absence you do
not owe them
explanations the more you explain
yourself
the more you weaken your position and it
appears as though you are putting on a
show
to get their attention so in this case
less
is a thousand times more and they will
get the message
and you will finally get the truth
now the real question is can you handle
the truth
can you handle the truth what if
ambivalence is the truth
now my third tip is to be sure that you
keep the dialogue going in an
empathetic way and that includes four
steps
now if they decide that they are going
to engage you with an honest dialogue
i invite you to try to keep it alive by
expressing
mirroring validation empathy
and curiosity so mirroring is a process
of
accurately reflecting back the content
of the message that is sent
by your partner and so this is in
essence paraphrasing
so this is what i hear you saying let me
know if i'm way off base here
validation so validation is
communicating to
the sending partner that the information
has been received
right and you mirror it back in a way
that makes sense to you
so that means that you're able to see
this information from your partner's
perspective
okay and letting them know that it you
accept it and that it is valid
so you might say something like well it
makes sense that you would feel that way
and i can see why you're struggling with
this
okay now if we are to express empathy
this takes it to a deeper level of
communication that attempts to
recognize reach into and experience the
emotions
your partner's emotions as opposed to
just
reflecting on it as a cognitive exercise
okay so
um well you know while i don't
necessarily feel the same way about that
specific thing
i really know what it's like to struggle
with feelings
when around something that's important
to me
and i can empathize with you on that
level and then express a curiosity you
know i would like to know
what support that you need from me um
and i'll do my best because i care about
how you're feeling
and you know please let me know how i
can help you
now i would add since we're framing this
in terms of approaching an avoidant
partner under no circumstances
should you respond with any of the
following statements and these were
identified as particularly triggering
for avoidant individuals on a survey
that i conducted with over 200
respondents
there are five of them the first one is
i know what you're really feeling why
won't you acknowledge the truth of what
we really are
why oh number two you wouldn't say need
or do that if you really loved me
number three nothing is wrong i'm fine
number four
if i have to ask it doesn't count number
five
needing privacy means that you are lying
or cheating on me
now before i wrap up this question i
just want to emphasize one
important myth that a lot of individuals
fall prey to
and that is that people tend to believe
that emotional honesty is going to lead
to understanding
and that understanding leads to
agreement but the truth is
that is not always the case okay you can
understand someone and completely
disagree with them
and if your partner has an attachment
style that is in conflict with yours
particularly an avoidant partner what i
like to call a rolling stone
then it's likely that they will find new
ways to create and maintain
the same amount of emotional distance
and proximity between you
okay now if that is the case
then it requires addressing the conflict
between you
not just on the level of communication
but also independently
you both need to be working on the
internal space
it is possible that as you are working
on your own internal space you can raise
your vibration high
enough that they feel inspired to join
you there but it's not your
responsibility
okay it's something that they have to
assume for themselves
and you have to honor your boundaries
around that
okay this is a deep emotional wound that
both partners need to be in dialogue
with
on their own as well as in the
partnership
okay so i hope that those help
and again if any of this resonates with
you i would love to see a comment there
um even if it's on the replay you can
type hashtag replay
and um you know if there's more content
to be explored around this we can
explore that
you
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