The Commitment Process (For A Man) With John Gray

Summary

In this insightful discussion, John Gray, author of 'Mars Venus on a Date,' shares his five stages of dating, which offer clarity and guidance for navigating relationships. Gray emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and maturity in moving through stages like attraction, commitment, and deep intimacy. He suggests discussing the commitment stage to ensure both partners are aligned on exclusivity and intentions. Gray's wisdom helps individuals recognize and avoid common pitfalls in relationships, fostering healthier connections and potentially leading to lasting love.

Takeaways

• 📚 John Gray's book 'Mars Venus on a Date' is recommended for gaining clarity on the stages of dating.
• 💡 The stages of dating are generally experienced naturally, but awareness of them can help navigate relationships more effectively.
• 🧘‍♂️ Personal growth and self-awareness can accelerate the progression through the stages of dating.
• 💑 The transition from attraction to commitment is a critical stage where discussions about exclusivity and intentions are important.
• 🚫 Gray suggests that men should be clear about their commitment before becoming physically intimate to avoid confusion for women.
• 🔮 The concept of 'ritombara pragya' from the Vedas is introduced as a state of awareness that recognizes truth, which is important in relationships.
• 💔 Sometimes, even soul mates might not be recognized as such because one or both partners are not ready or have not grown enough.
• 💬 Communication is key, especially when it comes to discussing the pace and exclusivity of the relationship.
• 🌱 The natural progression of stages in a relationship can be compared to the growth stages of a plant, unfolding organically.
• 🌟 John Gray emphasizes the importance of love and positivity in relationships, as opposed to using negativity to achieve one's desires.

Q & A

What are the five stages of dating mentioned in John Gray's book 'Mars Venus on a Date'?

The five stages of dating as outlined by John Gray in his book are: 1) Attraction, 2) Uncertainty or Doubting, 3) Commitment, 4) Deep Intimacy, and 5) Engagement or Acting as if Married.

According to the transcript, is it necessary to discuss the stages of dating with someone you are dating?

It is not always necessary to explicitly discuss the stages of dating. It is more about being aware of where you are in the relationship and acting appropriately. However, during the commitment stage, it is important to discuss expectations and intentions.

What does John Gray suggest about the relationship between personal growth and moving through the stages of dating?

John Gray suggests that the more mature and self-aware you are, the quicker you can move through the stages of dating because you have a clear understanding of who you are and what you want in a relationship.

How does John Gray describe the importance of knowing oneself in the context of dating?

John Gray emphasizes that knowing oneself is crucial in dating because it allows individuals to recognize the right partner and avoid unnecessary doubts and questions. It also helps in navigating the stages of dating more effectively.

What is the significance of the commitment stage in John Gray's dating model?

The commitment stage is significant because it is where individuals discuss their intentions and expectations for the relationship, such as exclusivity and the desire to progress towards a deeper commitment.

Why is it important to discuss the exclusivity of a relationship during the commitment stage, as per John Gray?

Discussing exclusivity during the commitment stage is important to avoid confusion and ensure that both partners are on the same page regarding their physical and emotional investment in the relationship.

What does John Gray suggest about the role of self-awareness in recognizing a soul mate?

John Gray suggests that self-awareness is key to recognizing a soul mate. When you know and love yourself, you can more easily recognize and appreciate the right person for you.

How does John Gray define 'ritombara pragya' in the context of relationships?

In the context of relationships, 'ritombara pragya' refers to a state of awareness that recognizes truth, which allows individuals to see the reality of their relationships and make decisions based on truth rather than partial truths or lies.

What does John Gray advise regarding the use of negativity in relationships?

John Gray advises against using negativity to get what you want in a relationship, as it disconnects you from your soul. Instead, he encourages using love and positivity to achieve desires within a relationship.

What is the role of heart openness in determining if someone is the right partner, according to John Gray?

Heart openness plays a crucial role in determining if someone is the right partner. When your heart is open, you can better recognize if the person is the one you want to share your life with, as you are more connected to your true feelings and intuition.

How does John Gray's advice on dating stages apply to people who have been in long-term relationships or marriages?

John Gray's advice on dating stages can help people in long-term relationships or marriages by providing insights into the natural progression of bonding and by highlighting potential pitfalls to avoid, thus strengthening and maintaining a healthy relationship.

Outlines

00:00

📚 Understanding the Stages of Dating

The speaker discusses the relevance of John Gray's book 'Mars Venus on a Date' and its five stages of dating. A coaching client found the stages insightful, providing clarity on dating dynamics. The stages are not necessarily to be discussed with a partner but rather understood to navigate relationships effectively. The speaker emphasizes personal growth and self-awareness as key to quickly progressing through these stages. He shares his personal journey of recognizing his soulmate and the importance of being emotionally ready for a fulfilling relationship. The conversation touches on the idea that love at first sight is possible but not common, and that personal growth is crucial for recognizing and maintaining a healthy relationship.

05:02

💑 Navigating Commitment and Intimacy

This paragraph delves into the third stage of dating, commitment, and the importance of discussing expectations and boundaries, particularly regarding physical intimacy. The speaker stresses the need for a woman to feel a commitment from her partner before engaging in sexual activities, as it can affect emotional clarity and relationship progression. The discussion also covers the impact of sexual frequency on men's interest in their partners and the importance of self-awareness and communication in maintaining a healthy relationship. The speaker advocates for women to find partners who respect their boundaries and are willing to communicate openly about the relationship's direction.

10:04

🧘‍♂️ Spiritual Insights on Love and Relationships

The speaker shares his insights as a former monk and his studies in Buddhism and Hinduism, particularly the concept of 'ritombara pragya,' a state of awareness that recognizes truth. He discusses how external influences like media can distort our perception of truth and affect our relationships. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being connected to one's soul to navigate relationships with love and positivity. He also touches on the idea that negativity in relationships is a form of lying, as it does not represent our true loving nature. The conversation concludes with the importance of self-awareness and emotional maturity in recognizing and maintaining a soulful connection with a partner.

15:06

🌱 The Natural Progression of Love

In the final paragraph, the speaker reflects on the natural progression of relationships through the stages of dating, using the analogy of a plant's growth. He acknowledges that while the stages are a natural part of bonding, being aware of them can help couples avoid common pitfalls. The speaker shares his personal experience of dating and how his relationship with his wife evolved gracefully through these stages without刻意 discussion. He emphasizes the value of his wisdom in guiding others to recognize and navigate the challenges that arise in each stage of a relationship, ultimately leading to a successful and fulfilling partnership.

Keywords

💡Mars Venus on a Date

This is the title of John Gray's book that serves as a reference point in the video. It discusses the stages of dating and relationship development from a gender communication perspective. The book is recommended by the speaker for coaching clients, emphasizing its practical application in understanding dating dynamics.

💡Stages of Dating

The stages of dating refer to the sequential phases that relationships typically go through, as outlined in John Gray's book. These stages include attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. The video discusses whether these stages should be consciously navigated or if they naturally occur, highlighting the importance of awareness in relationship progression.

💡Personal Growth

Personal growth is a central theme in the video, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and maturity in navigating relationships. John Gray shares his experience of how personal growth has facilitated his ability to quickly and effectively move through the stages of dating, underscoring the idea that knowing oneself is key to healthy relationships.

💡Commitment

Commitment is one of the stages in the dating process discussed in the video. It refers to the point at which a couple decides to be exclusive and work towards a long-term relationship. The video stresses the importance of discussing commitment to ensure both partners are on the same page and to avoid misunderstandings about exclusivity.

💡Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is highlighted as crucial for understanding one's own needs, desires, and boundaries within a relationship. It is depicted as a prerequisite for entering into a healthy relationship, as it allows individuals to know what they want and need, and to communicate these effectively to their partners.

💡Soul Mate

The concept of a 'soul mate' is discussed in the context of recognizing when someone is truly right for you. It is suggested that true recognition of a soul mate comes from a place of self-love and openness, allowing for a deep and meaningful connection that goes beyond superficial attraction.

💡Intimacy

Intimacy in the video refers to the deep emotional connection and understanding that develops between partners. It is presented as a stage in the dating process where partners overcome personal issues and learn to communicate and resolve conflicts effectively, leading to a stronger bond.

💡Pitfalls

Pitfalls are the potential problems or mistakes that couples might encounter during the different stages of dating. The video advises being aware of these to navigate relationships successfully. For example, in the commitment stage, men might become less attentive, which can lead to women feeling unappreciated.

💡Love at First Sight

Love at first sight is mentioned as a possible experience in the dating process, where individuals feel an immediate strong attraction or connection. The video suggests that while this can happen, it is not the norm and that deeper relationship stages still need to be navigated for a lasting bond.

💡Self-Love

Self-love is a recurring theme in the video, emphasized as essential for recognizing and maintaining healthy relationships. It is suggested that one must love and accept oneself to be able to love and accept a partner truly, which is key to overcoming relationship challenges and achieving deep intimacy.

Highlights

John Gray's book 'Mars Venus on a Date' is recommended for coaching clients seeking clarity on dating stages.

The five stages of dating provide clarity and understanding in relationships.

Conscious choice or natural progression through dating stages varies by individual.

Awareness of the dating stages can prevent common pitfalls in a relationship.

Personal maturity and self-awareness can accelerate progression through dating stages.

John Gray shares his personal experience of recognizing a life partner after self-discovery and growth.

Love at first sight is possible but not common; it's essential to be ready for a soul mate.

The importance of discussing commitment and exclusivity in a relationship.

The impact of frequency of sexual intimacy on relationship dynamics.

The role of self-love and personal growth in recognizing and maintaining a healthy relationship.

Deep intimacy involves overcoming personal issues and taking responsibility for one's feelings.

The concept of 'ritombara pragya', a state of awareness that recognizes truth, in relationships.

The importance of being open-hearted to know if someone is the right soul mate.

The natural and graceful progression of a relationship through the stages of dating.

John Gray's insights on avoiding common pitfalls during the stages of commitment.

The value of Gray's work in making an impact on relationships and personal growth.

Transcripts

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so this one i wanted to bring up because

i wanted to bring

to the attention of this audience um a

question that was written in about your

book

mars venus on a date which by the way

john i recommend to my coaching clients

and one of my coaching clients we were

having a um

conversation the other day and she said

oh she said these five stages that john

talks about these stages of dating

that john talks about in this book she

said this gave me

so much this has given me so much

clarity so

so here's a related question from monica

she says hi john thanks for taking our

questions in your book mars venus on a

date you talk about the stages of dating

and i'm wondering if this is something

to discuss with someone

i am dating if that's the first question

if a man consciously chooses to move

through the stages of

through the stages with a woman or if it

is something that just

naturally happens you know everybody's a

little bit different

you know it'd be like you know some guys

are like

hey let's read this book together and

and check this out

and and you know it's different

temperaments like that structure

uh in most cases it's just going to be

if a woman reads the book she's aware of

the pitfalls of every stage and how to

make sure it's happening and to kind of

know

where she is as the relationship is

unfolding

i think that the more heartfelt we are

the more mature we are

and you can move to those stages very

very quickly because you have

you already have a sense of who you are

you know for me i give an example

after 34 years of marriage with bonnie

uh

you know i know who i am and i know

all my buttons that can be pushed i know

how to let them all go

so for me to start a new relationship

you know i gave myself a year to grieve

and i said okay now start a relationship

and boom

i found the person and i don't i don't

have all those doubts and questions

because i know who i am i know what i

want i know just what i want and i found

it right

away i mean it's just like my friends

say how are you doing it's oh i have a

great life and

how do you find that yes well i'm a

relationship expert you know i should

you know if you if you know who you are

you know

uh yeah and and you you see what happens

when our buttons get

pushed we get upset and then we become

judgmental or critical or doubtful of

others

when you know who you are you find the

right person right away

because they will mirror who you are and

you love who you are so you will love

them

but that's you know i've been doing this

50 years almost 70 years old and

personal growth is my thing so it's very

easy for me now to do all this stuff

only because i've been doing it for so

long so

having said that having said that

uh what is my what is that the question

here remind me of the question

the question is are the stages of dating

is it something to discuss it's

something natural okay love at first

sight for example

you know you might be right when you

have love at first sight and

and that can happen that's just feeling

strong attraction or it's a real soul

knowing

uh it's not that common but it can

happen

uh you know my kids bonnie

i think in our last year we were talking

a lot about our relationship to the kids

and

and one of my daughters said to bonnie

did you know

that dad was the one when you first

right away and bonnie said the first

time i saw him i know he was the one

really and and then they said to me dad

did you feel that i said

i said she's the one i want to have sex

with tonight

that's an honest response

actually i did say sex with the kids i

said she's the one

she's the person i want to spend the

night with

[Laughter]

so that's what i knew but ironically

even though we had such a beautiful

connection

right away we ended up breaking up and

it wasn't until i got married to

somebody else learned a lot of lessons

made a lot of mistakes did some healing

and then came back knowing she was the

one so

and she she was the one she still is the

one in my heart

so there's this

thing we have to recognize that i can

share from my own experiences you could

be with your soul mate and not know

you're with your soul mate

because you're not ready for them you

haven't grown enough to recognize the

one you don't love yourself

enough to actually stay with somebody

who truly loves you who's right for you

because you know not all of our thinking

is correct and we're

down on ourselves hard on ourselves

doubting ourselves so back to the

question i'm just trying to answer

questions today

so the the question is so do you go

through those stages mainly you go

through them being aware

of where you are in the whole thing

without trying to explain to where your

partner is in the whole thing

but the third stage first is attraction

then comes doubting then comes

commitment

then comes deeper intimacy your stuff

comes up and you're able to overcome it

then comes proposal and then you act as

if you're married but without all the

pressures of being married

then you get married so that's them in

short and every stage has

its own challenges so the one i'll talk

about right now that you do need to

you know clearly talk about the others

you just need to understand and act

appropriately rather than make the

common mistakes people make

but when it gets the commitment that's

where you need to discuss that i'm not

willing

uh to be physically intimate with you

until we get to know each other enough

to where i know that you're committed to

me and you're not going to be having sex

with other people if i'm having sex with

you

because you should in my opinion it's

extremely confusing for a woman

and not confusing for a man but

subconsciously confusing for him he

doesn't know when he's confused or not

but he'll just feel like i don't know if

i want to be with her you know

and then i don't know what went wrong

you know what

i'm ready to move on he doesn't he's

just sort of lost in the whole thing

women will often feel confused you know

they feel like i i don't know is he

right is he wrong

what does he love me to see that's when

you want to all talk about the

relationship but there's a place where

he wants to have sex with you and you go

you know i want to have sex with you but

i know

for me you're taught i'm being the woman

here for me it just doesn't work for me

to have sex if i

if if the man i'm having sex with is

having sex with anybody else

so i want to feel that as long as we're

having sex together that we have

a commitment and a promise to each other

then we're not going to have sex with

with other people and in the beginning i

still need to go really slow with it i

don't have a whole lot of sex

i mean i want to but i know that i need

to have it just occasionally maybe like

once a week where it generally works for

me

and but i also need to feel that you're

not having sex with anybody else in

between or that you're not having sex

with yourself

that's really what works for me i like

to feel that the energy is building up

now that's pretty bold to say he may not

agree to that but that's

you really want a relationship that's

why i tell women find a guy who wants

you

more than you want him and he'll be

willing to play by your rules

uh but if you're trying to please a guy

you're going to be afraid to even say

something like that

and it really is kind of weird today to

say something like i'll grant it but

i'm trying to populize this research

that shows that if men have sex if men

ejaculate

more than once a week they lose interest

in the woman they're having sex with and

are more interested in other women

and that's what causes us to become so

confused is we

you know we start to compare as soon as

a man's testosterone levels go down a

woman's estrogen levels go down that

means she's in a little stress state

whenever we're in stress we always start

comparing and comparing is the thief of

our happiness

there's always better on the other side

of the fence you know

if you're feeling stressed if you're not

feeling stressed

and you understand that the grass is

greener on the other side of the fence

is actually

what you become when you're stressed

then you don't pay much attention to

that and you focus on the good that you

have

but that takes maturity and that's why

there's stages of this whole thing

because you

before you can get to that level you

have to have deep intimacy where you

know yourself and you're able to share

yourself with your partner

so that's where your stage four is where

your partner triggers you and you have

all these

you know judgments or disapproval or

arguments that come up and you're able

to

dissipate them very quickly by taking

responsibility

for going deeper and recognizing how you

contribute to problems

rather than them being the problem you

are responsible for how you feel

and that's the deep intimacy that you

start to experience

you overcome that now you wake up one

morning you go he's the one for me

because you connected with your soul

through the relationship

then you can see if they're your soul

mate or not and sometimes

you get to that level of intimacy and

they're not the one for you

you love them but you realize they're

not right for you and that's okay too

how do you know if somebody's right

really right for you as a soul mate

your heart has to be fully open so how

do you know somebody's not right for you

your heart has to be fully open because

when your heart's open it's not like

they opened your heart

you opened your heart in relationship to

them

and were able to know if they're the one

that you want to share your life with

they could be the one you want to

grow in love with for a while and move

on there's no

there's no just because you love someone

you have to spend your life with them or

they're the right person for you

but if you open your heart then you know

knowing is something that comes to us

when our heart is open and it's just

no reasons even there may be reasons

that help you open your heart

but knowing is unknowing like if i have

a cold glass of water refreshing glass

of water

i know it's for cold it's just a knowing

well we all have that capacity

when our heart is open you know that

and i know when i i you know i have this

whole background of being a monk and

studying uh buddhism and hinduism and

all these different things is a phrase

in the vedas

which is a state of awareness which they

call ritombara pragya

which is that state of awareness that

recognizes truth

and we're not in that state of awareness

and we're constantly being pushed out of

that awareness if you watch tv

now if you watch theater our tv where

you know that what you're watching is

made up

then that doesn't cause us to start

believing lies

because we already know it's a lie it's

made up so that's healthy to do is to

have drama that's made up and it's not

real

so always in the greek days there was

laughter and there was drama

as part of catharsis which was

healing we listened to things and we

believe them and they're partial

truth they're lies anything's a partial

truth it's the sin of a mission

something else is not being expressed

so when you believe what's not true you

go further and further away of knowing

within yourself what's true and we lose

that we watch these lies and believe

these lies and act on these lies

and the same thing happens in our

relationships i'll put in here

and it wasn't the question but in our

relationships

when you use negativity to get what you

want

you're not connected to your soul the

soul uses love to get what you want

and when you use negativity basically

you're lying because you're not

negative you're a positive being and

it's a partial truth it's what you feel

but it's not the complete truth

you know you can be angry with somebody

go i'm angry about you but now i realize

that

you know you didn't mean to say that or

you really do care so i'll let it go

so i care about you so now you've you've

gotten to the complete truth which is

yes i was angry but now

it's an incomplete belief or feeling it

needs to get back to love and then

it's forgiveness and that's that's the

total truth

we want to learn how to get to the real

truth of life and that's by getting to

the truth of who we are which is we're

loving human beings but we do

interdepend on each other we're

dependent we need love we need support

we need to be loving

otherwise we're not being our true self

yeah that was beautifully said

and you know coming back just for a

second to the five stages in your book

which by the way everyone i really

highly recommend

um the stages in your book when i

thought back on this

when my husband and i were dating and

one of the distinctions

because i didn't get married till i was

43 so i dated a lot of different people

and i didn't have the easiest time

finding what felt like the right

relationship for me

which is part of the reason i do the

work that i do because i'm really

passionate about

how good that can be when you find the

right person

um and how hard it can feel when you

don't have the right person

and so um but one of the things i

noticed was that with my husband and i

we never

discussed you know the stages of dating

or anything like that but things just

felt like they

naturally gracefully progressed

in a way where it didn't feel like there

was struggle it didn't feel like there

was a drama

and it just felt like the relationship

just like

naturally it wasn't push me pull me one

person

way into it more than the other

naturally and gracefully evolved and yet

when i look in the book i can see you

know i can see how yep that's what was

happening then that's what's happening

then

we were naturally and gracefully moving

through those stages and i do think

your uh your wisdom about some of the

pitfalls to watch out for

since a lot of the women are out there

dating is so incredibly valuable

yeah so you answered the question better

than me but having heard what you just

said

the answer is i i came up with those

five stages because

you can see that people who get married

have good relationships all went through

them

and i can see at the it's a natural

unfoldment of the stages of a plant

developing for example it goes through

stages

and it's not like you're saying okay now

we're gonna we're gonna force this stage

and we're going to force this stage

it's a natural unfoldment of typically

what happens when people bond

and the bonding grows at the same time

what i did is said

be aware of what stage you're in then

you know what your challenges are

you also know what your pitfalls are so

that you don't fall into them because

like in the stage of commitment often

one of the pitfalls there

is men have a tendency to say okay now

that we're having sex

i don't have to work so hard to make you

love me

and so they they tend to become a bit

more passive and a woman will tend to

feel like oh he's becoming passive i

should work harder

you know now that we're in a committed

relationship i'll give more in the

relationship

and by giving more he ends up going

further the other direction so that

would be a pitfall

in that situation that you want to look

out for

and and so many people naturally move

through them and they're able to

overcome those pitfalls and people that

don't end up

happily married or if that's their goal

they don't

uh they don't make it because they hit

one of those pitfalls

and did made a mistake and so here's how

you can correctly

evaluate what's going on at from someone

from a wisdom point of view

rather than falling into the pitfalls so

i point those out

thank you so much john and thank you so

much for your generosity and for

being willing to field all of these

questions

and you're so generous with your wisdom

and i really love what you've shared

because i know that your work is making

such an impact in the world and

for this audience we're really honored

and we want to express our gratitude and

appreciation for

your generosity really means a lot

you're very very welcome thank you so

much thanks for being the ambassador of

love

thank you thank you all right take care

bye bye for now

bye-bye bye everybody

[Music]